Boating for Beginners (18 page)

'You're so right,' agreed the rabbit of romance. 'We explain how evil the world is, though myself I don't think it merits destruction, but I suppose our God knows best. Then we say how we eight were saved because we were the only worthwhile people, and we were saved in your ocean-going ark.'

'No,' interjected Noah, 'not ocean-going ark. Just ark, and we say we made it out of gopher wood.'

'But I thought it was fibre-glass with a reinforced hull.'

'It is, it is,' Noah said impatiently, 'but we're creating a text full of mystery and beauty and we're supposed to be a simple civilisation. All archetypes are simple civilisations. How can we say, «And God spake unto Noah and told him to build an ocean-going ark from fibre-glass with a reinforced steel hull»? It reads like an enthusiast's magazine, not the inspired word of God. Gopher wood is much more poetic. Try this,' and Noah cleared his throat: '»Make yourself an ark of gopher wood; make room in the ark and cover it inside and out with pitch.'»

'But pitch is so smelly,' protested Bunny.

'There isn't any pitch really; I've pine-panelled most of the inside.'

'What colour is the bathroom?' asked Bunny.

'Pink with marble fittings and a double head shower.'

'Oh good. Now, we say it's made of gopher wood and we all get on with the animals and float away when the rains come, and no one else survives. Then what happens? How do we land? Where do we land?'

'That's the part I've been wondering about,' admitted Noah. 'I've got a generator fitted that should last us a few months so I can monitor the flood rate on computer, but I can't say that can I... ? What I think I'll do is find somewhere high up and pretend that's where we dock.'

'Well, why don't we actually dock somewhere high up — we can always walk down again. I'll want to stretch my legs after all that time. I'll get the map and we'll see where there is some.'

Together Noah and Bunny searched through the map until they found Ben Nevis. 'Not tall enough,' said Bunny. They continued their search until they came to Mount Ararat.

That's tall,' admitted Noah, checking its details in his atlas. 'We could say we stopped there even if we decide not to. I was hoping the marina might clear in time.'

'That still leaves the problem of how we know that the flood waters have subsided,' continued Bunny. 'Now what would a simple people use?'

'A dipstick?' suggested Noah.

'It would have to be very long,' countered Bunny. 'I know; what about a bird? We could say we sent out a bird and that it kept coming back until it found a perch somewhere else. That's very romantic. Readers will enjoy that. We could use a pigeon.'

'Brilliant,' clapped Noah. 'But we'd have to write in another word, even if we did use pigeons,' and he explained to Bunny about God sending Lucifer in a new hat and to tell him not to take any pigeons.

'Well, put down dove then, that's a pretty bird. Yes, we'll send forth a dove, and then when it's all dried out we set up house and live happily ever after.' Bunny sat back, pleased, though it did seem a bit far-fetched even by her elastic standards.

'Yes, I suppose so. At least it will give us a break from the narrative. We can write about what we did later on, later on. But I still feel we need something to round it off, like you • do at the end of your stories. There we are beginning a brave new world, walking down the mountain, the only people saved. It needs an extra, a field of poppies maybe, or a galaxy of stars.'

'I suggest,' said the rabbit of romance slowly, 'a rainbow.'

'A rainbow,' repeated Noah. 'Perfect. We go walking off all fresh and hopeful and we look up and see a rainbow. We can pretend we didn't have them before. No one's going to argue, are they?'

He scribbled something on his piece of paper. 'It can be God's friendly gesture, a kind of playful reminder. I can't think of how to phrase it now, but when my hamburger's settled I'll get it out. You don't think it's too way-out for the reading public?'

'If they've swallowed it this far,' declared Bunny, 'they'll love the rainbow. Now that we've got that out of the way, can we decide who'll take which bedroom because I don't want to be too near the animals on account of my asthma, and I'd quite like a portside cabin, if there's one free, if possible near the bathroom...'

'Darling,' thought Noah, falling in love. 'I'll even let you have your sofa back.'

So it was settled, and when the dawn came rosy-fingered through the window they were sitting side by side on the carpet talking about their lives and almost forgetting that today the world would start to end. Such is the power of love...

The hoopoes were chattering in their usual exuberant after-breakfast way as Gloria and Desi carried them up the drive to Noah's house.

'I'm going to miss these things,' said Gloria regretfully. 'They're good company; a bit noisy, but cheerful.'

Desi didn't have time to reply because Shem came rushing out onto the drive waving his arms. He didn't look well. 'Desi, where've you been?'

'Oh, out and about,' said Desi airily. 'I'm staying with friends for a few days, so I'll go and pack a few clothes. Take care of this girl and her birds will you?' and before Shem could stop her she'd rushed inside.

On the bathroom landing she met Bunny Mix in her boudoir slippers carrying a Swedish bath mitt. 'Oh, my dear,' greeted Bunny. 'How lovely to see you. I've come to watch the photographers. You know how much I enjoy the press and the lights. After all, it's my natural habitat.'

'What's she doing here?' Desi wondered to herself as the rabbit swept into the bathroom. 'I thought Noah had decided to chloroform her.'

As she thought this she smelt the unmistakeable aforementioned odour, and ducked just in time to stop Shem ramming a soaked handkerchief over her mouth. He fell over and knocked his head against the bannister. No one else was around and the rabbit was singing in the bathtub so Desi hauled him feet first into the airing cupboard and shut the door, being careful to drop the chloroformed hankie in with him. 'Now,' she thought, 'clothes, and get out of here. Rita and Sheila are probably already sound asleep.'

From her bedroom window she could see Gloria and the hoopoes waiting patiently on the lawn. Noah himself appeared, gave Gloria some money, and picked up the cage. He seemed in a good mood, and Bunny was singing in the tub. Maybe there was a new twist in the plot. For a moment she believed that it had been changed, that they weren't going to be drowned after all; then she remembered Shem and the chloroform, grabbed her holdall and sprinted down the stairs. Noah had disappeared and Gloria was sitting on the front step.

'I'm worrying about my mother; she's going to drown,' said Gloria as Desi appeared.

'So are all our mothers. So are we if we don't get out of here,' and she shooed Gloria ahead of her.

Noah liked the hoopoes too. He decided to keep them as cabin birds — they might even prove lucky mascots. He hadn't had a pet since he was a little boy and that had only been a goat somebody had forgotten about. He'd never had anything exotic, though Bunny had once offered him a gazelle to remind him of her. It struck him that she must have been keen on him for some time. It suddenly added up — the books she had dedicated to him, her gazelle, the flowers she had sent round late at night, and the unsigned card he had received each Valentine's Day. He'd been a blind fool, but then he hadn't known she could be so inventive, so witty. Clearly she was one of those women who thrived on adversity. Not like Grace. Grace had loved life simple; always came out in spots when she got upset. But the time for thoughts of Grace was over. Firmly Noah took down the picture of her which he kept over his safe and put it in the bin. When a man starts a new life he mustn't look back; he must look forward, go forward, he must... and he walked straight into his beloved Bunny fresh from the bath. She'd redone her make-up and it would have been an understatement to say she glowed.

He took her hands. 'Will you marry me just as soon as it dries out?' Bunny fell into a dead faint which she later called a swoon, and Noah was forced to drag her to the couch.

As he did so Ham came in, looking puzzled. 'Dad, do you know that Shem's asleep in the airing cupboard?'

'I don't care if he's dead in the airing cupboard,' panted Noah. 'Give me a hand with your new mother.' Together they laid Bunny out as elegantly as a father and son can and propped themselves against the sideboard for a rest.

'Did you say the airing cupboard?' repeated Noah.

'Yes, on his own, fully clothed.'

'I don't understand you boys,' muttered Noah. 'I've given you all perfectly good beds and you still fall asleep anywhere. You were by the pond the other night. I opened the library window and saw you flat out by the pond.'

'I wasn't asleep,' objected Ham defensively. 'I was trying to write a sonnet about the reflection of the moon in the water.'

'What on earth for?' asked Noah, wondering if he should bother.

'Oh well,' blushed Ham, pushing his fists into his pockets. 'I feel stifled. You always want to be the creative one and I'm just a man who sells pastrami. It can make a son seem inadequate. That's why I wanted my chain of motorway service stations. So that I could decorate them all nice, and folks would come in and say what a good eye I had for colour and shapes and then I'd be in the papers too. You're always in the papers.' Noah didn't know what to say, but he promised Ham that in the new world they'd start a newspaper together just as soon as there were enough people to read it who weren't close family.

Noah checked his watch. In a couple of hours the rain would come. Nothing spectacular till evening, but they had to be ready. 'Go and get your brother out of the airing cupboard and load your wives into their cabins. I'll take care of Bunny now.'

Ham nodded and went off, but after an hour he couldn't wake Shem and he couldn't find Desi.

'What if she doesn't get back in time?' he asked nervously, remembering that they had suggested she go away.

'She'll drown,' said Noah simply, 'and that will be a shame, but we can always write her in. Besides, seven is his lucky number, so it might be better for us in the long run.' And Noah continued to rummage for the magnetic domino set Bunny had persuaded him to take.

Afternoon came, and with it the first splatters of rain. Noah went out to the boat crew and told them to take the afternoon off. Soon the grounds were deserted, and the walkway down to the marina cleared of superfluous sightseers and autograph-hunters. It was just the family now, the way it was going to be for a long long time. For a while no one spoke, and there was only the fire crackling and the clock ticking and Bunny occasionally clicking her top teeth the way she did. She was the first to break the silence.

'Shall we read improving books or does anyone want to play charades? I don't mind going first.'

'We can't do anything till I've heard from the Lord,' said Noah, getting up. 'I'm going onto the roof terrace, and I may not be back for some time.'

'Well, we can start without you, can't we?' fretted Bunny, but Noah had gone. He came out onto the terrace and gazed at the leaden sky and the patches of cloud. Out beyond the grounds the hills were getting fuzzy and the river flowed greyer than usual. He leaned on the rail and sighed.

'Was it for this the clay grew tall?' he pondered and imagined how the house would look under water. He wondered if there would be anything left after the waters had abated. In a way it would be better if not. He had a notion that pain is mostly to do with memory, and the less there was to remind him, the easier it would be. The boys would settle in all right, and Bunny seemed fine after her first tantrum. It was himself he worried about. A buzzing caught his ear and he saw Lucifer heading for the terrace.

'Hello,' called the angel, getting out of the cloud. 'I've come to tell you that we're ready and the Great One sends his love.'

'Is that all?' complained Noah. 'Doesn't he want to know about my rewrite of Genesis?'

'He says that can wait. He's too busy getting the rainfall right.'

'Oh well, if that's how he wants to do it... but I must say it's a bit offhand,' sniffed Noah, feeling badly let down. At that moment a huge shadow covered the terrace, and they both looked up. It was the Cosmic Cloud.

'Have a good trip, mother,' said a voice that was rich and full, then the cloud vanished in a sweep of rain.

'There you are,' said Lucifer. 'He's not so bad, just moody. I'll see you later,' and the archangel shot off to do the Lord's work.

Noah couldn't help being tearful. He was torn between resentment and pride, as mothers so often are. He decided to go indoors and have a nice cup of tea.

For Noah the rest of the day swung between manic depression and hyperactive jollity, ending in Ham and Shem foxtrotting round the sitting room. They were due to get on the boat at midnight, resigned to Desi's disappearance and Shem's total loss of memory. The rain tapped relentlessly against the windows and the hoopoes hopped up and down nervously. They didn't like nervous people, and Bunny kept trying to make them eat bird-seed because she said it was unrealistic to expect them to find sausages and stuffed celery in the new world. They sulked on their green baize and plotted to bite her finger off the next time she came near. Noah was more sympathetic and sneaked them titbits.