Authors: Mercedes Keyes
"Okay daddy, sure." They picked up her friend Tia - and headed for the mall. While there, he sat in the food court eating so they could shop in the area, full sight of him. Once he was done, the rest of the time was spent escorting a high strung, giggling, chirpy, nine and ten year old from shop to shop. He was caught up himself in looking at things that he might get as a gift for Sylvia. Besides his daughter, she was heavy on his mind; for one, hoping she was there to meet him on the chat. Time flew as he patiently trailed them carrying packages and of course getting distracted with bits and bobs on the way - the minutes, hours spent were getting away from him. He had to spoil her, indulge her, it was one of the ways he grappled with his guilt over leaving her here while he'd returned to Wisconsin. Besides, she was happy, laughing, full of joy, skipping about, her face full of light and animation, he needed that, needed to see her that way. Next thing he knew, it was mall closing time, 9:30. Realizing how quickly things had gone on, made him panick a bit. He had one hour to be online for Sylvia; he still had to take Tia home.
Hustling the girls on, he got them back to his car, stuffing their purchases inside, explaining, "I have to get back to the condo by 10:15..."
"Why? What's the hurry?" Angela asked seated, seatbelt back on, her friend in the backseat listening.
"I have a meeting online with someone, that's all."
"Who?"
"Nosey." He called her.
"Sounds like it's private, you know what that means?" Her friend Tia suggested with the flexing of her brows.
Shawn made a face in the mirror, even more anxious to drop her off, she'd set Angela's wheels to turning now.
"Is it business daddy?" Angela asked.
"I bet it's pleasure." Tia added, nodding her head as if a sure thing.
By the look on Angela's face, Shawn could see, that wasn't something she cared to hear. "Never you two mind that, it's well past your bedtimes, I've kept you out too late as it is." He said trying to steer the topic away from his affairs. After droping Tia off, they were quiet a moment until he asked, "You two get everything you needed?"
"Yep, we did, thank you daddy."
"No problem, you enjoy your desert?" It was inane idle chit chat, but it needed it as a distraction, he could still see her wheels turning.
“Mmm yeah, mom would never let me eat anything like that this late at night. She says it’s not good to get into the habit of eating food after 6pm; going to bed on it can make you fat.”
“Well your mom is not here. Every now and then can’t hurt. Anyway, how are things otherwise?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“Okay? You guess?”
She shrugged, having no reply. He let it pass, moving on to other topics, “How are you doing in school?” That made her smile.
She giggled, they had a game, a little something between them on how to discuss school, “Fine,” she answered.
Shawn smiled. “Fine, how? Fine as innn…
A
bsolutely
the best? Fine as in,
B
uilding
B
ridges
to the best? Fine as in,
C
ontemplating
being the best?”
She giggled more. “Em-hm,” was her response.
“Em-hm, what?
A
bsolutely
?
B
uilding
B
ridges
?
C
ontemplating
? Or
D
istant
observations? Surely no
F
ierce
dislikes for any subjects?” She started laughing then. “Daddy…no, there’s no subjects I '
F
iercely dislike'”. She laughed out. “There’s one I’m '
A
bsolutely the best' at. Social studies—”
“Really? That was one I '
C
ontemplated' a lot with,” he admitted.
“Well, I’m '
A
bsolutely' the best at it. '
B
uilding
B
ridges' to reading, math, and music. And I’m '
C
ontemplating' science,” she informed him.
“Hmm? Sounds good to me. I think that’s pretty fair,” he finished in their special discussion on grades.
They sat in silence now as they grew closer to home, Angela noticed him watching the time on the dashboard, fighting with the speed limit and keeping himself from hurrying; which made her ask, “Why don’t you want to see me more, daddy?”
Shawn sighed deep, swallowing as he did. Keeping his eyes on the road, he reached his right hand over and cupped the silky back of her head. “Angela…I love you. There’s never a time, ever…that I don’t want to see you. You should be with me always, and I’m sorry for neglecting you. It’s just hard, pum’kin…” This part of the visit always hurt. Growing up as he did, it was the last thing he had wanted or planned for his life to be like, or that of his children…child, he amended in thought. He’d always wanted more, but after adjusting to the accident that was Angela, Deidre had wanted to wait until things were more steady with them to have more.
“I wish you didn’t move away. Now I hardly ever get to see you,” this came out as almost a whisper. He could hear the tears in her words.
Shawn swallowed the growing moisture in his mouth, his eyes watering against his will. They were almost at the condo. “I know, pum’kin, but California and I don’t mix. I’m in the house now and this summer, I want you to come and spend it with me, okay?” That brightened her up.
“Okay! I’d really like that!” she exclaimed.
“You sure you’d really like that?” he teased, trying to bring them back up. She nodded enthusiastically. “Uh, well, I would…if mom will let me.” She sank back in realization.
“Don’t you worry about that, she’ll let you. I won’t have it any other way.”
Trying not to fret it, he was going to be late signing on, but it couldn’t be avoided. He prayed she waited for him. Maybe she had work to do on her computer and was online anyway. He sure hoped so, but he wasn’t going to cut things short with Angela. His daughter was the very depth of him.
God, I have to get my life in order!
he instantly thought and immediately following the thought, Sylvia came to mind. He wanted her. He wanted her here, right now. He wanted to see her with his daughter.
He couldn’t help but wonder as he got comfortable and she got ready for bed, how Angela would receive her. He needed to test the waters a bit. He waited for an opening in her young chatter as she brought him up to date on the events of her life in school, and with her grandparents, which he just as soon not think about right now. Angela was leaping into bed with him following her there. Under the covers she went as he sat on the edge beside her hip. “Comfortable?” he asked. She nodded, grinning. Her hazel-blues shining brightly. Shawn couldn’t help it, he laid over her and hugged her to him, lifting her up in his arms as he did, pulling her from beneath the covers onto his lap.
“I love you and I miss you
so
much! Please believe me—I’m trying. I want to make things better for you, so that you can be with me as much as possible…do you believe me?” he asked at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. Her head nodded and he felt tears on his neck. “Oh, pumpkin’…don’t cry now…papa’s gonna work things out. I promise,” he soothed, stroking her long hair as she clung tightly to him, his arms wrapped securely around her. She pulled back to settle on his lap. “I don’t like it when we’re not together. Gran’pa Oscar says such mean things about you. He gets on my nerve. I don't like him, I don't like living there.”
“Don’t you mind the things he says. You know that I love you. You know that I would do anything in the world I could for you—”
“Can’t you move back here…to be with me?” she pleaded gently, knowing already how much he disliked living where money dictated so much in one's life. He sighed, looking down at her fallen expression. Her eyes were huge and sad. Her skin dewy, young, and fresh. Her small mouth pouty and full…rosy pink and soft.
Jesus Christ…look at my daughter…look what I did,
he thought proudly. It sucked being a father, divorced and away from your child. There was no fair end in that arrangement and he knew he hadn’t made it any easier by not sacrificing to stay near her, but he just couldn’t, he had needed to break all ties to California…for several reasons.
“I promise you…this summer, okay? You’ll love it where I am, and you get to visit my mom and dad…you love it at the farm, you always have. We’ll spend a good deal of time there, okay? Don't forget your Uncle Derrick and Tia Meribel.” She gave in, quickly nodding, then leaned away from him and off of his lap back into bed under the covers. He changed his mind about bringing Sylvia up. Maybe later…at a better time, but not tonight. Looking over at the clock on the table, it was 11:25pm - time in Wisconsin, 9:25pm. He sighed, wondering how would he make this up to her when it was he who pushed for them to meet online at 8:30…
God, why’d I do that?
He knew he’d be going to get Angela, why hadn’t he just agreed with her for the following night?
“School in the morning…get to sleep now.” He leaned down and kissed her brow. “Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.”
She grinned. “Goodnight, see you in the morning when the sun’s up bright,” she returned. He stood, smiling down. She yawned contentedly and turned on her side away from him.
Quietly he walked to the door clicking off the light, pulling her door to. From there, back downstairs to the table, there sat his laptop—in standby mode. He reached pulling his chair back, hitting the enter key as he sat and thought about the dinner he had with Sylvia just the night before. Imagining what it would have been like to have gone to bed with her and stayed the night. He had been hoping that would be how the night would end, but Sylvia was different. She was firm in her belief about sex and its place. Nor was she casual about who she went to bed with. It meant something serious to her. He knew from the beginning, he would have to be serious to get anywhere with her. Sitting there right then and entering his password to his desktop…he knew that he was. He wanted her now more than he ever did. He wanted a family setting. He wanted someone he could trust with his daughter. Someone with strong values and principles…and from what he’d observed so far…Sylvia Payne was that someone.
But she was black…and that’s where the difficulties may lie, or not. He double clicked on the yellow smiley face with the big red Y! behind it on his bottom tool bar. The ID/password entry form popped up. He signed in and a moment later, his friends list opened up. Quiet_Storm was in the list, but not darkened in. She wasn’t online and she hadn’t left an offline message, or it would have popped up. He sat back in the chair. His long, hairy legs stretched out beneath the small table, wearing only his sleeping shorts and tank t-shirt. His toes wiggling and flexing as he chewed on the inside of his lip. “Now what?” he thought out loud. “You could have left me a quick message, even a mean one. '
Oh no you did not— white man!
',” he mimicked what he thought she would say in a high pitch, then chuckled at himself. "I must be crazy," followed that chuckle. "About you, Sylvie," he continued seriously. “I couldn’t help it, Sylvia, I was with my daughter,” he spoke as if she were there to explain this to. “Ach, woman, you and your darn stubborn pride!” Sighing, he brought up his email…just as he thought, no email to him. Sitting forward, he began an email to her.
Sylvia stretched long and deep, so hard she shook a bit. She laid on her back trying to bring herself awake and turned, looking to see what time it was; she felt something poking her in the side. Looking down, it was a photo album…then she remembered and became alert, jerking her head up to look at the bedside digital clock. “11:45! Holy cow…nooo!”
She lunged up from the bed. “Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh noooo!” she cried, rushing to put her shoes on beside the bed. Her heart was pumping madly, actually feeling tears form in her eyes, not stopping for a moment to try and figure out why. She ran and grabbed her coat off of the kitchen chair, clicking off lights and stopping at the still playing stereo to shut it off. “I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry,” she breathed out loud, sniffing as she snatched on her coat. Opening his door and stepping outside, she shivered. It was freezing, the snow had stopped but there was enough of it on his steps and on the ground to layer up to four inches. She carefully trudged through it across the road and to her yard, yawning and shivering from the sudden wake from sleep and out into the cold. Her house was lit up and warm. She welcomed the feeling, though remorseful at having missed being online for him.
“Oh, Shawn…I didn’t do it on purpose, but I know you think I did,” she cried, going straight to her office room where she grabbed her chair and sat in it right up to her computer. Hitting the enter key and going through the steps to bring her instant messenger up. His name was on her list, but not bold. The smiley face was dull gray and sleeping. He wasn’t online.