Authors: Mercedes Keyes
"Oookay, so…when you say, 'highsex lifestyle' and 'quite a few women'—what exactly are you saying?"
"Look, I need you to let me explain from the beginning. Please."
"I'm listening."
"Where this is going, I need to warn you that it's…it's pretty bad. Umm, and I need you to understand that I regret it all…but I can't change it, and I can't make it go away."
"You're beating around the bush, Shawn!"
"Dammit, I can't help it! I need the fuckin' bush right now!"
"Wait a minute! Don't talk to me that way! Who are you cursing at? You gonna start throwing that word around, I'm out of here!"
"I'm sorry. This is not easy for me, okay?"
"Not easy for you! Well, shame on me for putting you through it! How 'bout I rewind the tape? Head across the road and stay there! And you stay here and leave me the hell alone—will that be easier for you?"
"Dammit, of course not! Come on, Sylvia—God! Give me a chance, will you? I need you to stop threatening to destroy this relationship!"
"This relationship was under threat the moment you chose not to come clean from the beginning!" Sylvia blasted back from across the room. "You knew then, when you stood your nekkid ass in that room and held me to staying by your side, talkin' that mess about love wasn't enough! You damn straight it ain't! Be honest with me, I'll be honest with you! But don't get frustrated with me because I don't like standing up looking like the next fool in line for you! I'm not going through it again!" she finished with her temper high, not for a moment did she care if he didn't like it.
Shawn rapidly scraped his fingers through his hair over his scalp in frustration. "Sylvia, please…I'm asking you…to…to just…just give me a chance to explain myself. Just give me that. I want to tell you everything, but…it's not easy because…it's something I'm not proud of. And…I don't…I don't wanna lose you." He gazed at her, into her eyes, praying that she believed that. Sylvia glanced away, shaking her head, calling herself all kinds of fool.
Lord, I knew a good-looking man ain't about nothing but problems! Why the heck did I do this to myself?
She shook her head thinking, she couldn't look at him and keep her senses. "Alright…I'm listening."
"Will you come sit down?"
"No! I don't wanna sit down! Either talk, or I'm leaving!"
"Okay…from the beginning. I left school. I went against my parent's advice to attend college; I argued with them and ran off. Took my art supplies and camera, thinking my talent would carry me when I made it to L.A. and showed people what I could do. They weren't impressed, and I admit, I wasn't as good then as I am now. Anyway, I took my savings with me, and went through it in about four months. I was broke, hungry, and on the verge of being kicked out because I couldn't pay my next month's rent. I owed on utilities and, ummm, it was bad—hard."
"Why didn't you go back home?" she turned back to him to ask.
"Because I was stupid! My pride wouldn't let me! I'd said some things and I just couldn't humble myself and return, admitting they were right, my parents—so I stayed. I painted houses, I washed windows, and then had to chase down the guy to get paid." He sighed. "I then took a job in a restaurant, bussing tables, then waiting them. That's where I met Jesse."
"Who is Jesse?" she asked.
Shawn blew out again, stalling, thinking, fighting with his emotions; he sat down.
"Some people might have considered him the wrong person to have come into my life, but…he…he was like a brother to me…you know, the big brother I never had." Shawn started swallowing back moisture in his mouth, feeling his eyes burn just thinking about Jesse.
Sylvia was stunned by his actions and covered her mouth, she had to steel herself not to go to him, feeling that he kept her on a constant emotional roller coaster. Sometimes feeling she wanted to tell him to go to hell
,
and in the blink of an eye, she was longing for him. Crazy…he made her crazy, now she was fighting softening, seeing the battle he was up against with something from his past.
"Aaah, shit." He gasped, sitting back roughly, pushing at his eyes and then clamping his hands over his head, giving himself a moment. He missed Jesse right then, missed him like hell.
"I loved him…and my stupid ass…I got him killed," he paused a moment, thinking about him, thinking about that day, then stood and left the room because telling her this was opening up a maelstrom of raw emotions he thought deeply buried. Sylvia stood in the kitchen with her mind working, wondering what to do now. Suddenly Shawn showed up again, his eyes red, holding a photo album. He walked over to her and laid it on the counter, and tapped a picture with his index finger. "That's Jesse."
She turned and looked at the photo. There with a handsome black man was a very young Shawn; much skinnier, not as muscular, but he was very toned and fit looking. She'd seen these pictures when cleaning his home months earlier. They were in a restaurant, arms across each other's backs and smiling brightly for the camera. Shawn's hair was really long, and the black man had a small, neat, well-shaped afro. There were other pictures of them together. Shawn with his hair cut, some pictures he was smiling, some not. There were many of the two of them together. Sylvia looked up at him as he sat across the room at the table, his elbows on his knees, his hands hung between as he hung his head.
"How, Shawn…how did you get him killed?" she asked.
He looked up and said right out, "We made money doing porn, Sylvia. Having intercourse with women in front of a camera."
"Porn?!"
"Yes."
"You did
porn!
"
"I did porn. I did porn for nearly two years with Jesse. Chocolate-Vanilla Swirl team—that was us. It pulled me out of the shit…" The thought of that ironic statement made Shawn sit back and chuckle to himself. "Well, out of being broke and hungry. No way near being out of the shit."
"I can't believe you did porn. You did porn! How could you do that?" Sylvia stood away from the counter, her eyes wide, her jaw locked open incredulous. "Oh, my god—porn! How could you?"
"Survival! I did it to survive! A big head! One at one end and one at the other!"
"Don't be vulgar!" Sylvia snapped.
Shawn leapt to his feet. "I'm just telling you the truth, okay? Sorry I'm not interpreting it in a way that best appeals to you!" he yelled.
"You know what…screw this…you have everything else! I'm outta here!" She went to charge past him, heading for the door.
"Oh, so you're just gonna run out? Just like that?" he shouted, growing more afraid, which came out as anger.
"Goodbye!" she shouted, snatching up her purse and keys, heading out the door. Shawn couldn't just stand there and let her leave.
"Don't do this, Sylvia—please!" he called, heading out the door behind her, going down his steps to follow her across the road. She ignored him and continued on. He knew if she went in that house, after all he did to make it secure, he wouldn't be able to get in. He ran past her to block her way from the kitchen door.
"Get out of my way!" she ordered through a tight jaw.
"No! Come on, Sylvia! God—let me finish!"
"You are finished! So are we—now move!"
"No! Hell no! You're gonna hear me out, dammit!" he returned, panicking.
She turned and tried to run for her front door; he took off and passed her again. Angry that he wouldn't let her pass, she launched her purse at him and shouted, "Get out of my way and let me in my house!"
Shawn deflected the purse, it hit the ground, spilling out all of her contents. "Let me go in with you so I can finish!"
Sylvia ignored him and turned to sprint back across the road to his house, her plan was to lock him out to get away from him. "
Sylvia!" Shawn bellowed her name, just as she stopped from running in front of an oncoming truck. The driver swerved to miss her and screeched to a halt, sliding over the gritty country road, frightened out of his wits, he shouted at her, "Lady, are you fuckin' nuts? Trying to get yourself killed?
Jesus Christ!
"
The adrenaline rush of horror of what could have happened, caused instant dizziness, dropping her to her knees. Shawn was there in a flash, picking her up, his heart was pounding, the pulse in his neck was surging like crazy. The truck driver shook his head, slammed on the gas and spun his tires, kicking up dust—he was out of there. Shawn carried Sylvia into his house and went straight to his bedroom with her, her arms were around his neck as he lowered her to the bed.
"Are you crazy!" he ground out through gnashed teeth, shaking so bad from it, he had to sit down as she turned away from him, dizzy with her own heart feeling as if it would burst from her chest. "You could have been killed! Darting out into the road like that!" His face was red, his body charged with fright and excitment.
"I asked you to leave me alone! Why couldn't you just leave me be and let me in my house!" she sat up, crying out. He grabbed her by the upper arms and slammed her onto her back on the bed, scaring her as he got to his knees over her and said right into her face, close enough so she could count his lashes.
"Because—I—can't—let you gooo! Understand?" he bit out, shaking her with each word, pressing her into the mattress with the force of what he felt. "You—have become—the very air—that I breathe. And I - I can't let you go," he grated with tears in his eyes. "You wanna hit me? Hm? Will that make you feel better? You can hit me! Come on—get up - go ahead—hit me!" He moved up and back from her so she could sit up. "Come on, hit me, kick me, bite me, try to knock my ass out—go at me until you can't go anymore. I can take it. Come on, hit
me!
" he growled out, hoarse, slamming his balled fist into his chest with three hard pounds to illustrate how hard—enough to scare Sylvia as she sat up and backed away, staring at him, both of them were breathing hard. "I can take that, Sylvia…but I can't take not having you.
That
I can't take."
Shawn was sitting at the side of the bed, now quiet, with his head in his hands. His fingers threaded through his hair, elbows on knees working to get a grip of himself. Sylvia had her back against the headboard of his bed, leaving him alone to calm down. He'd scared her. She knew what he could do. Had seen what he could do. Today was the first time he'd been rough with her, her upper arms were throbbing from his grip. Yes he was highly strung right then, his emotions getting the best of him, but once again, she sat with the hardcore truth of just how potent a man's physical strength was compared to that of a woman. She couldn't even replay in her mind his picking her up, he'd done it so fast. He was very hard, solid and strong, and for once, she sat thanking God he was not a hitter.
Armundo had been.
She'd suffered quite a few black eyes from him, busted lips, and numerous bruises. Granted, she'd always fought back with everything in her, often leaving him scarred and bleeding, but it was a frightening and traumatic ordeal that she never wanted to go through again. Shawn was bigger and taller than Armundo had been. Armundo had only been 5'7, when they started out, maybe one hundred-sixty pounds. Yet he could toss her about like it was no big deal. Later on, always apologizing, always regretting, whether that be from his jail cell or not. Yeah, she called the police on him. In a heartbeat. They'd run the entire gauntlet in their marriage. She'd survived it all. Had become a stronger person, with full knowledge of what she wanted in her life, now that she'd been given another chance to become the woman she worked so hard to be. Her prayer now was that Shawn never became so angry that he could hit her. His next action made her wonder if he could read her mind, because he sat up and turned to look at her.
"I'm sorry I lost my temper with you. I would never hit you…you do know that, don't you? I know I was a little rough with you, it's just that…if that truck had actually hit you, I would have gone totally insane right then. I would never hit you, no matter what. I need you to have faith in me, at least on that one."
Sylvia nodded her head, she believed him.
"I love you, Sylvia. Almighty God knows I do. I want to build my entire life, or rather, what's left of it…with you. I've blown the first half straight to hell, all except for Angela. I have to do this half right—that's why I can't let you go. Because you…are what I've always wanted. And…my mom was over the roof when she heard that you were black."
That sat Sylvia forward. "What? That I'm black? Why?"
Shawn shook his head and chuckled. "It's a long story. I'll tell you about it later. She's got this health theory thing about people, races, and the dividing off of man. Believe me, she'll give it to you when she gets a hold of you." He smiled then turned on the bed, shifting his right leg on and reached over and took her hand in his. "Please…let me finish. Stay calm and listen, then you'll understand what's really going on. Please?"
Quietly, Sylvia nodded.
"Okay…I did porn with Jesse. He was killed—shot because we both refused to do a session with two little girls."
"Oh, my god! Oh nooo!"
"Yeah...it was bad. He made a stand, and of course, I wouldn't do it either; we ended up in a fight with the man over it all, because I didn't have sense enough to know that we needed to get out first. Jesse pulled his gun and started shooting to get this dude off of me, told me to run. I did, thinking Jesse would, too. He never made it. One of the little girls was killed as well. I was on probation for over two years behind it. My parents never knew because I wrote them letters, telling them lies about this success story I was supposed to be living in. Giving them every excuse imaginable to keep them from visiting me as they were pressing to do. I wouldn't give them my address, too scared they'd just show up and know the truth."