Book 3: 3rd World Products, Inc (6 page)

"Maybe. A majority of princesses always seem to secretly lust for the barbarians, no matter what—or, rather,
who
—they marry for the long haul of life. Or what they admit to anyone else. Krista and Marlene are princess types."

"I find no adequate references for that statement. How can you be sure it's an accurate assessment?"

"Well, for one thing, I've been some princess's barbarian often enough, and I've read far too many romance novels when the only thing else to read was the label on my C-Rations. We used to be the end of the line for some publishers’ overstocked titles."

"That's hardly enough data from which to draw a conclusive an opinion."

"Huh. You weren't there when starving princesses pounced on me, Elkor. All that prim, proper denial leaves ‘em hungry, you know. They either crack under the strain and find a way to get laid or they stuff themselves with chocolate. Why do you think romance novels sell so well? They all have some woman of station taking or being taken, and the guy is always a relative barbarian, socially or otherwise. The formula works. Trust me. Ask Joan Rivers or Abigail Van Buren. Rivers jokes about it and Dear Ol’ Abby writes consolation notes in her columns."

"It still seems too simple a conclusion."

"Complicate it all you want, but verify your data. Read some romance novels. Watch some soap operas. You'll see the pattern."

Steph asked, “So you think Krista had the hots for you, Ed?"

"Not so much me, per se. What I represented, more likely. A safer version of the barbarian. One that couldn't upset her world by sticking around too long."

"You aren't that old, Ed. You have many good years ahead of you."

"Well, thank you, ma'am, but what I mean is that she saw me as a more controllable and temporary barbarian, perhaps older than she'd truly wish for, but still the type. One that she could surreptitiously use to scratch her itches and then politely be rid of before I became any sort of risk."

"Risk?” asked Elkor.

"Risk,” I said. “To her carefully-crafted world, her self-esteem, and her self-image; those things which she values beyond all her other desires and probably all else but her father's opinion of her. I'd have been an excusable dalliance, but that's not to say that her father would have excused
me
for it."

"I think I understand,” said Elkor.

"Me, too,” said Steph.

"Study, chillun. Study. People are complex critters. That's why they get themselves into so much trouble. They think they're thinking when they aren't. They think when they should follow their hearts. They follow their hearts when they should be thinking. Sometimes they think to avoid following their hearts, and vice versa. Now and then they arrive at the right combination of brain and heart, but by that time, they may be too old to do much about it. Sometimes they get lucky fairly early, or are very adaptable after they've made their choices. More often they don't get lucky, hence the high divorce rate. Oh, yeah, and sometimes they mistake lust for love."

Elkor said, “You've made being human sound like a confusing ordeal, Ed."

"Guess I did, at that. Oh, well. I don't feel confused. I feel tired. I'm going to sleep now, guys. Good night."

A soft voice mingled with a chiming sound. I rolled over and was rewarded with a screeching yowl as Tiger came awake in combat mode.

"Jesus, cat. You startled the hell out of me.
Again.
You know I may roll over, so why do you park so close?"

Stephanie asked, “Should I relay your words to Tiger?"

I sighed and stretched. “No, don't bother. He's heard them before. Where are we?"

"Fifty miles from home, Ed."

As I reached to ruffle Tiger's chin, I said, “I'll hold it until we get there, then."

As we neared Spring Hill, Steph asked why we hadn't set up her bank account while we were so near Switzerland.

"You got any money yet, Steph? They won't want to bother with what I've got in my pockets. Besides, it will give us an excuse to make another trip to Europe."

"Britain isn't normally considered part of Europe."

"Picky. There's nothing but a little salt water ditch between Britain and Europe. It used to make a difference when people had to paddle across, but that was a long time ago, and now there's the Chunnel under the ditch. I say they're part of Europe."

Tiger said something and Steph answered him, then she spoke to me.

"He wants to know why we didn't keep the bright haired woman."

"Tell him she belonged to the other people and that we can't bring home everything we find interesting. Besides, he only wanted her because she was afraid of him and he likes a challenge."

We were landing as Steph passed my words to Tiger. He looked up at me and laid one ear back thoughtfully, then very deliberately turned and walked to the middle of the deck. Elkor's faux cat appeared and turned itself into a carrier after a few sounds from Tiger. No translation was offered.

I said, “Tell the selfish little putz ... Oh, hell, never mind. He's a cat. It just doesn't make any sense to him that he can't bring everything home, dead or alive."

I grabbed my bag and the carrier and headed into the house. About halfway to the door, it occurred to me for the very first time that Elkor could have fielded Tiger to the house, but that I always carried him out of habit long-learned with Bear. I stopped.

"Elkor, ask Tiger if he'd rather ride on a field platform instead of in a cage. If so, you may make it so. One thing, though. He's not to get off the platform unless he's in the house or on Steph, and I won't trust his little furry promises about that. You're still in charge of containing him when we're outside."

Elkor asked Tiger, received a reply, and the carrier dissolved around Tiger until it had become a foot-wide circular field box beneath him and the food and water dispenser stood exposed. Tiger stood up and looked around, then looked at me.

"Yahh."

"Tiger likes the new design,” said Elkor.

"He's welcome,” I said, and reached to scuffle Tiger's chin. “Thanks to you, too, Elkor. You always come up with neat designs."

The phone rang as I held the screen door open so Tiger could float into the house. I let the machine get it and heard Selena, my long-time friend from Inverness, Florida, swear.

"I got the damned machine again, Toni. Ed, if you're there, pick up!"

Just hearing her voice conjured Selena's green-eyed face in my mind.

I picked up the phone and said, “Hi, Selena. We just got in. What's up?"

"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday evening. Where were you?"

"Out, obviously. We had to go pick up something for Steph. She'll show it to you when we see you next. Are you coming down this weekend?"

"Can't. Someone decided that we're playing in Tallahassee, after all. Can you make it to the game on Saturday? I can ride up with Toni and ride back with you."

"Toni? The tall brunette from your sociology class? Does she know you're a virtual old lady of twenty-six? Does she play volleyball, too, or is she just one of those unusually assertive women who seem to find reasons to hang out with the tall, beautiful, red-haired players?"

Selena said, “Yeah, she's one of those. No, she doesn't play. You'll probably like her. She can press two hundred, but she isn't all veiny and lumpy."

"Woo. That's solid. How does she feel about men?"

"She broke up with one a couple of months ago and doesn't seem in a hurry to replace him, but she's expressed an interest in doing so eventually."

"Uh, huh. Well, has Miz Toni ever been in a flitter?"

"Probably not."

"Then we'll go for pizza or something after the game. Howzat?"

Selena's tone brightened as she said, “Yeah. Sounds good. Do you remember how to get there? To the arena on campus, I mean?"

"If I don't, someone else does. I could probably find my way as far as Tallahassee without too much trouble, though. See you then, miLady. By the way, if you lose the game, you walk home."

"Ha, ha. You only go to the games because I'm playing. You wouldn't dare make me walk for fear I'd get a ride. How's Tiger?"

"Fine and fuzzy, as ever."

"And Steph and Elkor?"

"Them, too. Hang on a mo if you want me to put one of them on."

"No, no, that's all right. I'll see her on game day and this isn't my phone."

"Toni's phone, is it? Tell her I'll give her the dollar for the call. Or I could call you back, you know."

"No, that's not it, Ed. We're expecting Toni's mom to call soon."

"Okay. If there's nothing else, bye for now, young goddess."

"That's all the news. See you there, Ed. Bye."

I'd no sooner hung up than Stephie asked, “We could pick them up and have everybody in Tallahassee in minutes. Instead, she's going to spend over two hours in a car to get there. That doesn't make sense to me, Ed."

"Maybe it will, someday. She obviously likes Toni and this gives them more time together. Her and my outside interests have kept us from getting too used to each other for almost six years, Steph. Selena had a girlfriend when I met her and she probably always will have one. Sometimes a session in the pool or the tub even leads all of us to the same bed. I've found that to be fairly interesting at times. We all get what we want and have a good time knowing each other as long as it lasts."

"I see. Is this what is known as
'enlightened self-interest'
?"

"Someone crass enough could call it that. I couldn't, of course."

"Oh, of course not. Not you. Never."

"Now I'm becoming all insulted and hurt and stuff like that, Steph."

"Prove it. Try not to grin."

No sooner than I'd become comfortable on the couch, checking email with my pad, than my pad chimed to announce an incoming call from Linda. I tapped the little icon with the ever-flapping red lips and when the caller's face appeared, I said, “Hi, Linda."

"Hi, Ed. How was London?"

"Typical for February. Keeping me under surveillance these days?"

"No more than usual. Someone noticed an emerald-green flitter letting people off at a London restaurant, but I'm calling because someone's been trying to root up info about one Stephanie Montgomery. Care to confirm my suspicions about who this Montgomery person might be and why anyone cares?"

"Sure. Stephie got herself a CW passport yesterday, Linda. She needed some ID to open a bank account when her salvage operations pay off."

"You sound pretty confident that she'll find something. Hmm. Actually, I guess she's got a better chance than most, at that. Why didn't you two come to me? I could have set her up with an ID and a bank account within a couple of hours."

"They'd be agency-issue, Linda, with long strings attached. This one is really hers and it won't expire if a bureaucrat disagrees about the personhood of an Artificial Intelligence entity later."

"You aren't referring to me, I hope."

"No, I'm referring to everyone with the power to yank a US passport. Remember all the months of crap I went through in ‘73 and ‘74 because of one bureaucrat? If you or John had said anything, you'd have been out of a job. What's changed since then?"

She sighed and said, “Yeah. Okay. I just wanted to know what's going on. Any news about Stephanie's treasure hunting?"

"She starts targeted searching on Monday morning."

"Keep an eye on that Harper woman. I looked her up on general principles. There's nothing solid to go on, but she doesn't feel right to me."

"I got the same impression from her, Linda. It doesn't matter. Harper won't be involved in Stephie's adventure."

"You're going to try it alone?"

"No, Stephie's going to try it alone. It should be an experience for her. Me, too, since I'll be along sometimes."

"This could possibly turn out to be an experience for everyone, regarding the matter of bank accounts and ID's for AI units. What happens when that CW passport won't cut it somewhere?"

"Over a hundred countries have stamped one at a border, which is de facto acceptance in international courts. The US is on that list, and the UN has made use of the CW service through proxies in order to get people out of bad places."

Linda sighed and said, “Same question, Ed. The issue will be whether the passport holder is a real person."

"Then we'll work to get her a regular national passport from somewhere. What else would there be to do?"

"I see. Well, it sounds to me as if each of you now has a hobby, anyway. How do you plan to get a bank to go along with issuing Stephie an account?"

"If she needs an account, it will be because she found enough treasure or whatever to make an account worthwhile, Linda. Banks spend millions on advertising. Granting an account to an AI who had found sunken treasure would be worldwide news. Free advertising and lots of it. I'm sure a few banks will realize that very quickly."

"Oh, I'm sure they will. I'm just not sure what other cans of social and legal worms your actions may open. Right now, there are only two AI's on Earth who might readily be recognized as individuals in their own right. I can almost envision competency hearings, demonstrations in the streets, and more. You could wind up spending a lot of time in courtrooms soon."

"It'll be something to do between your odd jobs, won't it?"

"What if 3rd World doesn't approve of granting AI's personhood, Ed? They have a helluva lot of clout these days. Remember how Ellen reacted when Elkor started thinking independently? Remember the board of directors on the station? Some powerful people flatly won't like the idea."

"Then they'll be facing off against the media and the public. We'll call the ACLU and set up a
'Free Stephie Montgomery'
campaign fund or something."

Linda chuckled. “How about Elkor? Does he have a last name, now, too?"

"Nope. He's still Elkor. No last name yet and maybe never. He doesn't seem too interested in becoming more than an observer."

"Smart guy, Elkor. This could turn into a real circus, Ed. Bigger than the Scopes trial, if the religious nuts get into it, and I have no damned doubt that they will."