Book of Jim: Agnostic Parables and Dick Jokes From Lucifer's Paradise (4 page)

V

1

As he entered the black hole by way of head, he left by way of ass.  The fall was quick and he landed hard. 

He was at the gates of a gothic mansion and its grounds.  There was a party.  Limousines and Ferraris drove up the drive and expelled a lace-and-kerchief congregation.  They were pale and beautiful, dressed for grotesqueries and talking French.  Above the mansion a purple moon glowed.

A woman stepped out of the shadows and into the purple glow of the moon.  She wore a top hat and pantsuit and waved an ivory cane.

“Cherry?”

“Jim, you made it!”  Cherry kissed him through the bars of the gate.  “I wasn’t sure you got my text.”

“You texted me?”  Jim took out his smart phone and saw that he had missed her text.

“Listen, I’m in a hurry.  I’ve got to run.  But I’ll make sure you’re on the list!” And Cherry ran off.

Jim climbed over the gate and walked up the drive.  He felt strange in his presence, for he wasn’t pale and beautiful, nor did he drive a Ferrari.  Nevertheless, he walked up the drive to the mansion with the beautiful people and the Ferraris.

At the door to the mansion he saw the bald bespectacled man, who
was
kind.

“You!” he said.  “Do you have any idea what you just put me through?  They shot me out of a cannon!  I tried to transcend the essence of my being, but I just kept flying till I hit the brick wall at the edge of
paradise
.  Einstein tells me it’s all bullshit anyway, and then I get sucked into a black hole.  My back hurts, I missed an important text, I may or may not be conscious, and it’s all because of you.  You
fucker
.”

The bald bespectacled man said, “Hello, Jim.  You’re on the list.”  And he unchained the velvet rope that Jim might pass.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

And Jim became disarmed, for the bald bespectacled man
was
kind.  “Well what is this place anyway?” he said.

“It’s the devil’s soiree.  She throws it once a century.  She calls it
Frankenmasque
.”

“Lucy’s here?”

“Among others.”

So Jim crossed the threshold and entered
Frankenmasque
.

2

It was a grand entrance.  Winding stairs chased macabre paintings up the stone walls.  The carpets were red.  A chandelier dropped dim light from the high ceiling.  The pale and the beautiful mingled.

Jim looked for Cherry but he didn’t see her.  He looked for the devil too, but he didn’t see
her
.

Now he felt more keenly the strangeness in his presence, for he beheld that the pale and beautiful people were also
sophisticated.
  They drank wine with thumb and finger, spoke a great deal of French, and their laughter was jaded and ironic.

He thought, If there
were
a set of infinite Jims, I bet one of them would know how to talk to these people.   Being not that Jim, he waited from a corner for something to happen.

Then the double doors beneath the winding stairs came open and there was an announcement.  The pale and beautiful and
sophisticated
people filed through the doors and Jim followed.

In the next room there were many masked women.  One by one they touched and took away the beautiful people until there was only Jim.  The last masked woman touched him and he went with her.

3

They came to a small room.  In its center there was a single chair bolted to the ground.  The chair was equipped with restraints.  An empty conveyor belt came in through one wall and left out another.  The masked woman pointed to the chair and said,

“Sa-swa.”

“What are you going to do to me?” said Jim.

“
Frankenmasque
.  Voo lemur he.  Sa-swa.”  She pointed to the chair.

“What is
Frankenmasque
?”

“Loo par-tea do diable.”

“Diable.  Yeah, I know it’s Lucy’s party.  But what’s with the chair?”

“
Frankenmasque.
  Sa-swa.”

So Jim sa-swa’d.  The masked woman secured the restraints over his wrists, and over his ankles, over his chest.  She flipped a switch on the wall and the conveyor belt moved.  It carried into the room an assortment of human legs.

“Key pray-fairy voo?”

“Are those the legs of the beautiful people?”

“We.  Key pray-fairy voo?”

“Uh, that one.  Pray-fairy.”  He pointed with
his head to a milky white leg.  There was a black stiletto heel still strapped to the foot.  “That’s a nice one.”

The masked woman removed from the belt the milky white leg and she held it up.  With her face she made a question mark.  Jim nodded.  She went to the chair, pulled a lever, and Jim’s left leg popped off.

“Fuck!” he said.

She replaced his left leg with the milky white leg with the stiletto heel.  His own leg she placed upon the belt.  She flipped the switch and the belt carried his leg away, and it brought some new legs
in
.

“Key pray-fairy voo?”

“Uh, no pray-fairy,” said Jim.  “Listen, I think there was a mix-up somewhere.  I’m really not up for this shit right now.”

She held up a leg dressed in slacks and a loafer.  “Pray-fairy?”

“Fine.  Whatever,” Jim said.

The masked woman popped off his right leg and replaced it with the slacked and loafered leg.  She placed his right leg upon the belt, flipped the switch, and the legs were carried away.

Now the belt brought into the room the assortment of arms.  Jim chose for his left arm a plain and hairy arm, for it was near to his own.  For his right arm he chose a tanned and muscular arm, which had around the bicep a
gnarly
tattoo.

His own arms were placed upon the belt.  They became
among
the assortment and were carried away.  Jim had now a milky leg with a stiletto heel, a leg of slacks and loafer, a left arm like his own and a right arm with muscles and a
gnarly
tattoo.

Now the belt brought into the room the assortment of torsos.  Jim said, “Wait.  Hold up a minute.  Just, like, hold up.  Are you really gonna rip out my chest?  My heart’s in there.”

The masked woman said, “We.”  Then she ripped out his chest. 

“Jesus!”

“Key pray-fairy voo?”

Upon the belt lay only the torsos of women.  The breasts all jiggled as Jell-O cakes
jiggle
.

“Seriously?”

“Mall chance.”

“Well, give me some perky ones.”

The masked woman gave Jim a torso with perky breasts.  His own torso was placed upon the belt, and it became
among
the assortment.  The belt carried it away, and with it Jim’s heart.

Now the belt brought into the room the assortment of pelvises.

“Not my fucking balls.  You just got my heart, lady.  Let me have my balls.”

“
Frankenmasque
,” she said.  “Key pray-fairy voo?”

Jim chose for his balls the biggest balls on the belt.  His own balls were placed upon the belt, and they became
among
the assortment.  The belt carried them away, and with them Jim’s dick.

Now the belt brought into the room the assortment of heads.  But before Jim could make the final objection, he beheld among the heads
one
that was familiar.  He said,

“Is that the beard of Billy Mays?”

The masked woman popped off Jim’s head and replaced it with the head and beard of Billy Mays.  Jim’s head she placed upon the belt, and it became
among
the assortment.  The belt carried it away, and with it Jim’s brain.

He watched it go.  Jim watched his head leave the room.  But he remained.  He looked at the masked woman through the eyes over the beard of Billy Mays.

“Why am I me without my head?”

“
Frankenmasque
,” she said.

4

So Jim came to the ballroom in the mansion of the devil.  His left leg was milky and wore a stiletto heel, and his right leg was longer and loafered.  One arm was like his own and the other was muscular with a
gnarly
tattoo.  His breasts were perky and his balls were big, and the beard that he wore
was
the beard of Billy Mays.

The pale and the beautiful were likewise rearranged.  Feminine eyes dared over masculine shoulders and uneven legs bore lopsided bodies.  They wore no masks, for each was a phantom in a piecemeal shell of others.  They mingled, danced, drank wine from trays with thumb and finger, and they laughed the jaded laughter.

Jim looked for his head but couldn’t find it.  He thought, If I see French coming out of my head’s lips, I’m gonna break my own damn jaw.

Then he felt a hand touch the elbow of the arm that was like his own.  He turned and beheld a thinly matched fellow with the head of a dark-eyed young woman.

“Jim?” the creature said.

He looked closer and saw in the dark eyes a spark.  “Cherry?”

“We’re not supposed to do this – like, acknowledge each other – but I figure it’s your first time.  It’s kinda freaky, huh?”

“Yeah.  Kinda freaky.  How did you know this was me?”

“It’s the way you’re looking around for your head.  It’s like, you’re really confused, a little bit concerned, but you’re alright about it at the same time.  It’s hard to explain.  I like it though.”  She ran her fingers through the beard of Billy Mays.  “And you
would
go for this beard.”

“It’s a pretty awesome beard,” Jim said.  He stroked the beard with the arm with the
gnarly
tattoo.  “But is it
my
beard?  I mean, am I me and I’m thinking with somebody else’s brain, or are these somebody else’s thoughts and I’m just sending them through?  I can’t shake the feeling that one of these assholes is messing up my head.  Like, I’m gonna get it back and think I’m from Madrid or something.”

“Honey, your head was messed up before you got here.”

Then the lights became dim and everyone became silent.  A balcony above the ballroom floor began to glow, there was a warbling
whoomf
, and Lucy appeared.  She held to her face a glittering masque.

“Welcome to
Frankenmasque
,” she said.  “So many new faces tonight!”

This was met with jaded laughter.  Jim didn’t get it.  Then he got it.  He didn’t laugh.  He stroked the beard.

Lucy spoke with the airs of ritual, but her tone had a lightness that undercut the airs.  Initiated pockets of the crowd replied in rote.

“
Hearts of beasts and Grendel eyes, hearts that beat and wrestle whys.
”

“JAY SHWEE LOO EGGMAN!”

“
What are you wearing under all that skin?  Where do you end and I begin?
”

“JAY SHWEE LOO EGGMAN!”

“
Holes that bleed and poles that breed, coals that burn with awful need.
”

“JAY SHWEE LOO WALRUS!”

“
Why are you hiding under all that skin?  Open up and let me in.
”

“GOO GOO G’JOOB!”

The lights went up and Lucy vanished.  Cherry put her thin fellow’s arm through the arm that was like Jim’s own.  She whispered,

“You’re never who you were, Jim, and you’re never who you’re going to be.  This is just the madness between.”

And
Frankenmasque
began.

5

He found a corner to lean upon and he observed from a distance the phantom squall.  It was a dance without rule or rhythm.  All the superfluities of personhood were mashed up and splayed across the ballroom floor.  Consciousness lurked in the eyes that flashed in the twirl.

There was another man who leaned upon the corner.  He was
entirely
a man, and he leaned with cool confidence. 

Jim said to him, “Looking for your head?”

“My head is on my shoulders,” the man said.

“How’d you manage that?”

“Crashed the gate.  Here for a friend.  We never leave a man down.”  The man sized Jim up with a glance.  “You got a name, darling?”

“It used to be Jim.  I’m not really sure anymore.”  Jim played with his perky breasts.  “I always kind of figured I was my head.  Or at least my heart.  Hell, balls ought to have
something
to do with it.  You wouldn’t happen to know the ontology of balls, would you?”

“I wouldn’t.  But I know a man has to fight for his name, and a man that used to be Jim is currently a bitch.  So which is it, darling?”