Instead, he was a man worth dying for.
Pulling his shirt over her head, she paused as she caught his scent on her skin. It sent a rush through her body. There was nothing she loved more than that warm, masculine scent.
All he had to do was look at her and she was his.
Strange how she seldom saw his scars now. It was only when he slept in her arms that they were apparent to her. While he was awake, she was more focused on his eyes and quirky expressions and personality. So much so, that she barely noticed his physical appearance.
She turned the water on and regulated it. A smile curved her lips as she remembered Darling pinning her to the wall last night while the water poured over them.
Maris was right. He did have more stamina than anyone she’d ever heard of. Even after he’d fallen and bled all over this shower,
he’d been unwilling to stop long enough to bandage his hand. Instead, he’d laughed about it and told her not to fret.
“I can’t feel pain and pleasure at the same time. So I’d rather focus on the latter and deal with the former when I have to.”
The man was nuts.
Trying not to think about Darling’s lunacy, she stepped inside to bathe.
Zarya lost track of time while she savored the warmth of the water, and washed her hair. She was just about to finish when the door opened behind her.
Ready to fight, she turned to confront her intruder.
Darling stood there, ogling her.
“Oh gods…”—she covered her heart with her hand—“you scared me. You need to make some noise when you move.”
“Sorry.” He leaned down to kiss her bare shoulder.
“So what did the doctor say?” she asked him.
Darling straightened, his features deadly earnest. “I’m going in for surgery day after tomorrow.”
Her heart clenched at those words and the fear they gave her. Why would he choose to do it so soon? “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes.”
Worry ran rampant through her. Maris had told her that Darling didn’t do well under anesthesia. His body barely tolerated it.
“Are you doing this for you or for me? Because you know I don’t care about it at all. I think you’re wonderful just like you are.”
His features stern, he pulled the washcloth from the bar, then turned her around so that he could wash her back. She didn’t know why he liked doing that, but it always felt really good.
He made small circles over her back, then trailed the cloth down her spine. “It’s not for you, Z. I mean… some of it is. I hate that this is what you have to look at when you hold me. I know
how awful I appear and I applaud you for not cringing every time you see me. But honestly,
I
can’t take it anymore. I can’t stand to look at myself. Every time I catch my reflection against anything, I get severely sucker-punched over what I see there.”
Darling swallowed. “Believe me, I know removing the scars won’t fix the rest. I know they’re superficial. My voice and vision will still be screwed up. And the memories will always be there, stabbing me.” He flinched as if one of them hit him just from mentioning it. “But the scars bring it home and kick it down my throat. I’m ready to move forward, and I can’t do that when all I see is a victim every time I look in the mirror.”
She wanted to tell him he wasn’t a victim. That he’d never been a victim, but that wasn’t true and she knew it. The worst tragedy of all was when someone this strong, this capable, was held down and unable to protect himself while others abused and violated him. Like her with this damnable collar on. To know that you were fully capable of protecting yourself and to be unable to do so…
That was its own special kind of hell and it did untold damage to the psyche.
In her mind, she saw the photos Maris had shown her from Darling’s medical report.
Saw the way Darling had looked hanging in front of her that day when she’d thought he’d killed Kere. What had been done to him disgusted her. And she was an outsider to it. He’d been the one who had to endure the true, unvarnished degradation and horror of his torture.
The one who couldn’t even sleep for it.
All she wanted was to heal him.
His breathing ragged from the pain of those memories, he returned the cloth to her hand. He glared at her throat with so much animosity and fury that it actually scared her. She wanted to say something to soothe him, but fear froze her vocal cords.
This wasn’t the man who made love to her for hours on end.
This was the feral warrior, Kere, and by the look on his face, it was obvious he wanted blood.
Her
blood.
With a twist to his lips that was truly terrifying, he reached for her throat.
He’s going to kill you…
Just as she started to punch him to protect herself, he broke her slave’s collar in half. Her jaw went slack as he stepped away and angrily tore the collar into pieces, then tossed it into the trash can next to the tub.
“What are you doing?” she asked, confused by his actions.
Those blue eyes scorched her with his repressed insanity. “I spent too many years imprisoned here. I refuse to do that to someone else, especially you. I don’t want you to stay with me because you have no choice. I want you here because you want to be with me.” A tic worked furiously in his jaw. “I told Gera not to prep you anymore unless you requested it.”
His gaze dropped to her breast before his features softened to the teasing countenance she’d come to cherish most. “Although I did like the flavored body paint.”
She smiled at him. “As long as you’re the one who applies it and not some strange woman I’ve never met before, I have no objection to using it.”
He gave her a lopsided grin. “Gera’s having your clothes sent up, and she assured me that you would have things appropriate for public wear. You’re free to come and go as you please. Your apartment’s just as you left it. I’ve been paying the bills for it, and they’re all up to date. But I did have the door rekeyed for you as a safety precaution since I didn’t know who might have access to it. I left the new keys and a link for you on the table by your bed. The link’s yours to keep. I went ahead and programmed my number so
that you can call if you get locked in here again, and I set Sorche’s as your first contact and Ture’s as your second.”
She didn’t miss the fact that he hadn’t set himself in as a contact. Was that a presumption that she didn’t want him there or did he not want to be listed?
“Lastly, there’s a transport in the hangar for you to use as you wish. It’s in your name, so don’t be afraid that someone will report it stolen if you take it. Or you can use a public transport. Your cards are with the keys and link if you need money.”
Unsure of his mood and the source of his sudden charity toward her, she stepped out of the shower and turned the water off. She reached for a towel, then wrapped it around her body. She moved to stand in front of him.
Zarya bit her lip in uncertainty. “Are we good?”
Darling ran the back of his hand along her jaw. There was a haunted shadow in his gaze that concerned her. “You want the truth?”
No. Not if it was bad.
But she wasn’t a coward either. “Always.”
His brows furrowed as that angry insanity flashed across his features. And as quickly as it flared, it settled down into a pained expression that showed how much anguish he still carried inside him. “You are my heaven… And you will always be my eternal hell.”
Those words stabbed her straight through the heart. “Darling—”
He put his finger over her lips to silence her. “When it’s just the two of us and we’re alone, I can forget what happened, and I’m better. Then just as I think I’m all right, it all comes barreling back and kicks me in the crotch again. I can hear you laughing out in the hallway when I needed you most. And honestly, it ravages me so deep inside that I feel like I’m going crazy from the anger and
hurt. I feel so betrayed, Zarya. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, I know you didn’t know, but my feelings don’t have ears and they don’t listen to my head. No matter what I do, I can’t reason it away. It just hurts and I don’t know if it’ll ever stop.”
Those words brought tears to her eyes. God, if she could only go back and change what had happened…
Like Hauk had said… Nothing ruined a life faster than one bad decision.
Darling swallowed. “I would give everything I have, even my soul, to let it go. I would. But no matter how hard I try, Zarya, it just keeps coming. And it lights a fury so deep inside me that all I can think about is hurting you in retaliation. It’s so demanding that it scares me. And it takes everything I have to stop from lashing out at you. I can’t keep those feelings or memories from returning. But I am trying to. I am.”
Those words made her heart ache. For all of his confessed rage, he’d kept it bottled inside to the point that she’d never suspected he had any inclination except to be kind to her.
It said a lot about him that he hadn’t once said or done anything mean.
He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “What about you? Do you still hate me?”
She shook her head. “I never really hated you, Darling. I was hurt by your rejection. Bitterly. But what I went through was nothing compared to you.”
“Are you sure?” His tone was strained and searching. “I get sick every time I think about the fact that I caused you to be thrown to a slaver. And when I consider all the things that probably happened to you there…” He clenched his teeth so violently that it made the muscles in his jaw protrude. “You’ve no idea how much I hate myself for it. How much it worries me that I abandoned you when I had no right to do that. I swear to the gods that I didn’t
want you harmed. I didn’t. It was a stupid, selfish thing I did and I’m so sorry.”
Her throat tightened as she heard the agony inside him. He’d had every right to strike out after what she’d done to him. Slapping him when he’d been tied up had been wrong on so many levels. “Baby, don’t take that onto your shoulders. You’ve been tortured enough. I wasn’t physically hurt at all.”
He narrowed his gaze at her. “Are you lying to me?”
She covered his hand with hers and held it tight. “No. I swear. No one touched me the entire time. I was too old for the slaver’s tastes. And he thought I was too skinny to get top credit so he didn’t want me to do anything or for anyone to bother me. He kept me isolated in a less-than-pleasant room, but I was alone there and it wasn’t so bad. Boring, but not bad. It’s why I was still there when Maris came to find me. The slaver was trying to fatten me before the auction.”
Darling saw the truth in her eyes. Relief poured through him. He’d mentally flogged himself with the fear of someone raping her because of his thoughtless words to Jayne. When he’d said them, he had no idea that Jayne would give her over to a slaver. At worst he’d thought jail. At best, he’d assumed Jayne would let her go. Never had the concept of slavery for Zarya entered his mind.
And even though Zarya hadn’t shown any signs of having been violated, he knew from experience that the aftereffects and emotions didn’t always manifest the same way. Sometimes there was shame that made you lock yourself away from the world. Other times it was anger that caused you to lash out at everyone. And sometimes it was a mixture of both, or nothing more than a cold emptiness that left the soul sick and numb for weeks on end.
Grateful that the gods hadn’t punished her for his stupidity, he pressed his forehead against hers and cupped her face in his hands. “I’m so sorry I did that to you, Zarya. It was wrong and I had no
right to treat anyone like that, least of all you. I was such a stupid dick for it. I was just—”
This time, she covered his lips with her fingers to keep him from speaking. “I know, sweetie. I do.”
But she didn’t know how much he hated himself for what he’d done. Not really. Out of nothing more than sheer selfishness, he’d put her in harm’s way. Twice.
How could I have done that?
To her.
He, who knew exactly what it felt like to have someone shove him aside while they wallowed in their own grief and pain, had done that to the one person in his life he’d sworn to love and protect.
I am my mother.
Even worse, he felt like his uncle. And that was what stung the deepest.
How could she forgive him when he couldn’t forgive himself?
“No, Z, you don’t know. There’s so much darkness inside me that sometimes I feel like it’s going to swallow me whole. It makes me want to lash out, and explode all over everyone around me.”
“But you don’t.”
“I have. And worse, I did it with you. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself had you been hurt. I swear to you I will never, ever do something like that again no matter how mad I get.”
She hugged him close and he savored his body against hers. “Had I been physically assaulted, I probably wouldn’t be so forgiving.” She nuzzled his neck. “It was extremely humiliating to be told how worthless and undesirable I am. I’m not going to downplay it. But I’ve had worse.”
“Yeah, well, he was a fucking idiot. I think you’re more beautiful than any woman I’ve ever seen.”
Zarya trembled as he took her hand into his and led it to his
cock that was already hard again. It was so erotic to have him hold her palm against his erection while he stared down at her with a hunger that was hot and tangible. “Believe me, no one has ever done this to me like you do. Every time I look at you, hear your voice, or smell your scent, I want to be inside you so badly it hurts.”