Born of Woman (45 page)

Shock turned to pain—a sudden smarting sense of loss. Stupid and irrational, when he had just been wishing Susie gone. Of course she couldn't stay. Anne and Matthew would hardly allow an unmarried teenage mother on their premises. Relief slowly flooded in, confusing him still further. He sank down on the window-seat, tried to numb the shock, swell out the relief. No more taunts or temptations. No more Susannah Jane running pale fingers up and down his groin. His wife would be his own now. Susie had always been a rival, demanding Jennifer's attention and her company, changing her views, even her style of dress. He didn't want a wife in jeans and sneakers. One of the joys of Jennifer was her clothes—soft fuzzy fabrics he could fondle, old-fashioned frilly things which lay against her skin and were perfumed from it when she took them off.

He sprang to his feet. Supposing Jennifer had left as well, paid him back for pushing off himself. She might have gone with Susie, taken her to her parents' or a friend's. He dashed down to their bedroom, laughed out loud in relief. The room was full of Jennifer—her blue shirtwaister and white lace bra draped across the bed, her absurdly fluffy slippers moulting under the dressing-table, the silver-backed hairbrush tangled with her fine fair hairs. He spread out the dress and lay on top of it, buried his face in the bodice, sniffed her scent of talc and honeysuckle. He picked up her bra. The cups were bellying slightly, as if still moulded round her breasts. He kissed each cup, closed his eyes. She didn't always wear her bra—not now. That was Susie's influence. It drove him wild, the blur of her nipples beneath a blouse, the bounce and lurch of her bosom when she laughed. For weeks and weeks he'd had to look away, restrain himself, think of something else. Dared not touch her breasts. Lusted and slavered, but kept his bloody hands off. Hardly knew why, except it seemed so dangerous. Now, it was all changed. Couldn't explain that, either. Just knew he had to have her, knew it would be all right. He was stiff already. He would make love to her for hours—love her with every part of him—mind, body, soul, prick, art. Susie was gone—that would make it safer. And he could always bribe the boys to stay out late—give them money for a film or meal or something. He hadn't any money, but Jennifer would have some, even if it were only Anne's housekeeping. This was just what he had longed for—the house to himself and his wife in his arms again.

He turned his fists into breasts inside the bra-cups, swelled them out more fully. He longed to touch himself, spill out across the dress, but he must save it up for later. He stripped off his clothes, ignoring his erection. He was sweaty and grimy from eight days in the wilds. He had bathed in streams and ponds, but now he needed a good hot bath with soap and scrubbing brush.

He stepped into the steaming water, wincing as it stung his calves. His prick was still half stiff, still twitching for his wife. Jennifer was everywhere—in his head, across his body, running down the walls in tiny droplets, teasing in the fug and heat and steam. He stepped out again—he had heard a noise—car wheels in the drive, the scrunch of pebbles. He grabbed a towel, strode along the passage to the landing window. There
was
a car—Anne's car with Jennifer at the wheel. Jennifer alone.

He rushed downstairs, towel flapping, cold air on his thighs. ‘Snookie!' he shouted. ‘Darling.'

She jumped, said nothing, simply stared.

‘I'm back! I tried to phone, but … Aren't you glad to see me?'

‘Yes of … course I am. H … how
are
you? Is … everything all right?'

‘Yes, wonderful,' She hadn't kissed him yet, seemed more dazed than delighted. Perhaps he had taken her by surprise, startled her a bit. He clasped her in his arms, tried to hug her close.

She pulled away.

‘I'm sorry. Do I stink? That's living like a nomad for you! I was just stepping into the bath when I heard the car. Why not come upstairs with me while I scrub the grime off? Oh, Snookie, I've so much to tell you! I've only just got back and …' He broke off. She seemed tense and fidgety, was hardly even listening. ‘What's wrong? What's the matter? I suppose you're … angry still. Look, I know I shouldn't have disappeared like that, but once I'd phoned you and told you where I was, I thought …'

‘I'm not cross, Lyn—not now. I must admit I
was
, but …' She kissed him. The kiss was brief and skimped. ‘It is good to see you, especially looking so well and tanned and everything. It's just that …'

‘You look marvellous, too. I love the freckles! You've got at least a hundred new ones.' Her eyes were a bolder blue against her sun-tanned face and arms—the blue of borage, bugloss. She was minus her bra again. The breasts would not be freckled. Pale and full like moons. He could see the shaft of white swooping down between them, contrasting with the flushed brown of her neck. ‘I've brought you all sorts of things. Surprises. I've left them in the car. I didn't want the boys to see.'

‘The boys aren't here.'

‘So I gathered. Where are they?'

‘At Mrs Briggs's. They're … staying the night with her.'

‘What, all of them?'

‘Yes.'

‘That's wonderful! We'll have the whole house to ourselves. Oh, darling, I want to make it up to you. I've been a bloody misery. I didn't even
see
it—not till I was away. But now I'm going to …'

‘Look, I'm … sorry, Lyn, it's marvellous to have you back—honestly it is, but I'm afraid I've got to … go.'

‘Go? Go where?'

‘I'll be back as soon as possible, I promise, but it may not be till …'

‘But where are you going?'

‘S … Southwark.'

‘Whatever for? You don't know anyone at Southwark.'

‘It's Susie. She's … Oh, Lyn—it's all such a muddle.' Jennifer sank down on the stairs, kicked off her sandals. Lyn took her in his arms, slipped a hand inside her tee-shirt.

‘Lyn, don't—not now. I'm in such a state. Matthew phoned yesterday to say he and Anne are catching the overnight flight tomorrow and will be here first thing Sunday morning.'

‘They can't be. They've got at least another week in Japan. Even two. I remember Matthew telling me he had to …'

‘No. He's decided to cut it short. The Australian trip was a great success, apparently, but the man he wanted to see in Japan was rushed into hospital the day before he arrived there. Then Anne got ill and he's worried about some trouble in the office, so he's decided to cut his losses and come back.'

‘Oh, I see. I'm … sorry,' Lyn tried to concentrate. The stir of his naked prick beneath the towel kept distracting him, Jennifer's long freckled legs barely covered by her flimsy skirt. ‘But that still doesn't explain why you're rushing off to Southwark.'

‘No. Well, yes, it does. We've got to get Susie out, you see, before they return. Matthew mustn't see she's pregnant. You know how puritanical he is. The baby hardly shows at all yet, but it will do soon. So we made up this story about Susie's mother having had a stroke or something—all very sudden—and Susie as eldest child has to go back and hold the fort. Of course, she can't go home really. Her father would be even more shocked than Matthew, and her mother's no use at all, and she's no other relations and hardly any money and … Oh, Lyn, I've been so
frantic
. You see, we thought we had nearly a whole fortnight to sort things out, find her a room, or a friend who'd let her stay or … But then Matthew phoned, and we had just a couple of days to get her off the premises. I asked Mrs Briggs to take the boys—told her Susie's mother was seriously ill and she had to go back and nurse her. The boys all believe it, of course, and
they're
upset and … I loathe all this lying, but what else could I do, Lyn? Anyway, we spent all day yesterday searching for a bed-sit. They're all so expensive and slummy and … We didn't find a thing until this morning. It's a horrid gloomy basement in one of the grottiest parts of Southwark, but we were so desperate, we had to take it. At least the woman said Susie could move in straight away. The trouble is, she hates it. She's in a dreadful state. That's why I've got to go. I left her there, you see—in tears. She said she refused to stop without me. So I agreed to stay the first night with her, just to get her settled in—or till we thought of something else. I came back to get my night things and …'

The flood of words had suddenly petered out. Lyn tried to make his own voice calm and reasonable. ‘So you're spending the night with Susie in a Southwark bed-sit?'

‘Well, yes. No … I mean, I didn't know you'd be
here
, Lyn. You hadn't phoned or … I'm sorry, but it's all been such a panic and …'

Her voice ran dry again. Lyn didn't answer, just gripped her hand, interlaced their fingers. ‘I love you,' he said, at last. He had to fill the silence.

‘Oh, Lyn, I'm so glad you understand. I mean, if Susie wasn't pregnant, it would be different, but it's bad for the baby for her to get in such a state and …'

‘Come … upstairs. Just for a moment, Snookie.'

‘Darling, I can't. Susie's almost hysterical. I promised I'd come straight here and straight back. In fact, I don't know how I'm going to manage. I ought to clean the house and get some food in and … The place looks like a pigsty, and if Anne's unwell, she'll hardly want to …' Jennifer was buckling back her sandals, starting towards the kitchen.

Lyn pulled her down again. ‘Listen, Jennifer, we've got to get out of here. Not just Susie—all of us. I don't
want
you cleaning Matthew's house, as if you're his … galley-slave or something. I'm going to take a stand—demand that money he owes us, and get the hell out. While I was away, I suddenly realised how … wrongly we're both living. That book has ruined everything and we've got to put a stop to it.'

‘Oh, Lyn.' She was hugging him now. ‘I never thought you'd say that. I feel just the same myself. When I was up in Newcastle, I had a chance to think a bit, and it just seemed so … ridiculous to be living on top of Matthew when we could have Hernhope to ourselves and a life of our own and … I tried to phone you and discuss it. I wanted just to run away, there and then, like you do now. Look, let me just get Susie over this crisis, and then we'll leave. Oh, darling—I can't wait to see that house again. It'll be elbow-deep in dust, of course, but once we've …'

‘Look, I … didn't mean …
there
. Not Hernhope.'

‘Why not? What
did
you mean? I don't understand. I …'

‘Somewhere … else. Somewhere smaller.'

‘But why, Lyn? Why bother with another place when Hernhope's there and waiting?'

‘It's … not.'

‘What are you talking about?'

‘Nothing. There's … er … just a bit of a … legal problem still.'

‘There can't be! Anyway, does it really matter? Can't we just ignore it? Molly says …'

‘No, we can't ignore it, Jennifer'

‘Well, let's get some proper advice, then. Hire a lawyer or a …? I mean, surely someone can settle it after all this time?'

‘Well … maybe soon. But not soon enough for me. I've got to act immediately, while I've got the courage. I feel changed now, stronger. I've been steeling myself all week, working myself up to it. If I don't stand up to Matthew now, I never shall. Don't you see that, Jennifer? The minute he comes back, I'm going to put it to him, ask him for that money. I won't take ‘‘no'' this time.'

‘Oh, Lyn, I'm so relieved. I've been worried sick about the money side myself. I mean, I didn't mind until this Susie thing cropped up, but I can't pay rent out of air. As it was, I had to borrow from Anne's emergency fund and I've been lying awake at night worrying about how on earth I'd find the money every week. But if Matthew pays our royalties, then … You won't let him talk you out of it. You will be strong and …?'

‘I've said that, haven't I?'

‘You're marvellous, darling. I love you. When d' you think we can leave?'

‘As soon as you like. As soon as we've found a pad.'

‘We can have a garden, can't we? Just a little one.'

‘Course.'

‘We'll plant bulbs and things. A whole lawnful of daffodils.'

‘No, crocuses.'

‘Daffodils
and
crocuses.'

‘How about a rock garden?'

‘Oh, yes. All those lovely Alpine plants …'

‘Gentians. .'

‘Dianthus. .'

‘Yes and lots more crocuses. Those Cloth of Gold ones with the tiny browny stripes.'

‘Yes.'

‘Kiss me.'

‘Yes.'

It was a long, slow, careful, probing kiss. Jennifer pulled away, reluctantly. ‘I'm sorry, darling, but I must go back to Susie. She'll be wondering where on earth I am. I won't stay long, I promise—not all night. Not now. I'm sure she'll understand. I'll just go and explain what's happened and calm her down and then come back and …' Jennifer scooped the car keys off the floor, retrieved her handbag, made towards the door—paused—edged back again.

‘Lyn. .'

‘What?'

‘Could … Susie come?'

‘Come where?'

‘Well, with us. To our new place. Oh, I know I shouldn't ask you, but it
would
be a solution. I mean, not for long. Just until she's had the baby. That's only five months now—less than half a year. We could get rid of that dreadful hole in Southwark, then. Or just keep it for a month or two, until we've got our own place. Susie wouldn't mind so much if she knew it was only temporary. We could move her in with us as soon as possible and keep her sort of … in hiding until … Oh, I know it's a bit of a cheek, darling, when you've quarrelled with her and … everything. I wouldn't even suggest it, if I wasn't so worried about her. But what else can we do? I mean it would be different if she had money or a decent stable family. Even her boyfriend's left her, or she's left him, and she doesn't seem to have a …'