Bound Beneath His Pain: A Dirty Little Secrets Novel (12 page)

“You can’t avoid him forever,” Taylor says softly, staring at me through my Mac computer the next morning. “He’s going to want to talk to you again.”

Sitting behind my rustic whitewashed desk in my home office, I agree. “Oh, I know.” The light purple walls surrounding me should soothe me and improve my mood, as should the wall of bookshelves with all my favorite reads. Even the sun shining through the wall of windows should make me smile. I couldn’t ask for a better Sunday, but without booze, there’s no changing my mood today. “At least I have all day today to figure out how to talk to him without nearly breaking into tears.” Yesterday, after work, I told Taylor every single detail of what had happened with Micah. Yet for some reason, we’re still talking about him the next day. And I know why that is. I like this guy. A lot. And that
really
sucks, since it can’t work between us. “God, you should have seen me. I almost broke down right in front of him.”

“Well, he hurt your feelings, so it’s totally understandable,” Taylor says with a soft voice. “Besides, your gentle heart is why I love you so much. Don’t ever change, especially for some guy who doesn’t deserve a single one of your tears. You can’t help how you feel.”

I push my chair back and prop my feet up on the edge of my desk. “Yeah, I know, and that’s the problem.”

“Why?” Big bouncy curls frame Taylor’s face today, and her eyes are shiny and bright. “Because you like him?”

“I like the guy who isn’t leaving me in the morning.” I sigh, rubbing my temple, fighting off the looming headache. “Hell, I even like the guy he showed me when I was about to walk out the door, yesterday in my office. But the thing is, I don’t see that guy all the time.” I pause, collecting my thoughts before I start rambling. “The only person who can take care of me is
me,
and allowing anyone into my life who can’t understand that a woman would want him there in the morning seems…well, stupid, to put it simply.”

Taylor frowns. “Yeah, I hear you, but sometimes you can’t help falling for someone you shouldn’t. It just happens and there’s nothing you can do about it, no matter if it’s the right or wrong thing to do.”

She’s talking about herself, I know that, and I hate that my issues are reminding her of her problems with Shawn. I scrape my hand across my eyes, suddenly feeling tired. “I don’t even know why I allowed this to happen in the first place. You know me, and you know how much I dislike this type of guy. I guess a part of me thought he wasn’t that guy or that he’d change for me or…Hell, I don’t know what I was thinking.” I pause, trying to figure it all out in my mind. “But even if Micah hadn’t left me like he did, I still want a normal life. I want morning coffee together, date nights, and meals around the dinner table. The
real
romantic stuff.”

Taylor gives me an empty, distant stare. Of course she understands, because she’s gone through that with Darius, and she went through that confusing time with me when I got a little lost before I started working at Richardson.

I couldn’t stand the way people looked at me when they would attend Darius’s fancy dinner parties at the house, which had nothing to do with a party and everything to do with business. It was so pretentious, even many of Darius’s business partners’ daughters wanted to befriend me, but it wasn’t because they really liked me. They saw my status in high society and what my friendship could do for them. I never wanted to be a socialite. I wanted people to like me for
me.

Taylor sighs, breaking me away from my thoughts. “So, it’s complicated?”

“Very,” I agree. Because I don’t get why this guy is bugging me so much. Heck, my last boyfriend, who I dated casually for a month, didn’t affect me like this. When I broke up with Jon, I was over it by the next day, because it was
my
choice to end the relationship. I liked Jon and we’re still friendly if I see him, but the spark wasn’t there and I had to stop pretending that it was. I
chose
to end things with Micah too, so why is he still on my mind?

And yet I know the answer.

I like this guy.
Really, truly like him.

We stay silent a moment. Two best friends, who are hours apart, yet somehow she’s making me feel better because I can see and talk to her.

I finally break the silence. “God, this is so depressing.”

“Maybe depressing is a good thing, though,” Taylor says with a soft smile. “Maybe it means that things aren’t over like you think they are. Maybe it’s that Micah needs to do something to deserve you. And maybe it’s about damn time you met someone who you can’t walk away from so easily.” She pauses then half shrugs. “I sincerely doubt that Micah’s dated a lot of women who expect
more
out of him. You’re kinda one of a kind because of your past. So, maybe, all you need to do is give him the chance to catch up with you. Who knows, maybe he’s looking for a little
real
himself.”

Now it’s my turn to shrug and say, “Maybe,” for the thousandth time in the last few seconds. Because now I’m beginning to wonder if I’m being too hard on Micah. He tried to apologize. Why didn’t I let him?

Taylor adds, “Listen, I know he scares you. I know this is one of the most intense relationships you’ve ever had. But you’re either in this all the way, or you’re not. You can’t keep waiting for him to drop the ball on you and turn out to be the biggest asshole of all time.”

I sigh, my face warming. “I guess you’re—”

My cellphone ringing on my desk breaks my eye contact with her. One look at the screen tells me I have to go. “Babe, I gotta take that, it’s Liv.” I yank my feet off the edge of the desk. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

Taylor blows me a kiss.
“X
and
O.”

“Back atcha.” I end FaceTime, grab my cell, and press the
Talk
button. “Hi, Liv.”

“Yes, it’s Sunday and I shouldn’t be calling,” she says, voice chipper. “But you’ll be happy about this call. Promise.” She pauses. “Well, you’ll be happy about the first part anyway.”

I don’t pretend to know what she’s talking about, but I do know something. “You’re right, you shouldn’t be calling because
you
shouldn’t be working.”

“Please.” Liv snorts. “Like you’re not totally sitting behind your computer right now trying to find the Lowes a house.”

“Okay, you win. Point for you.” I laugh softly, pulling one leg underneath me, staring off at the high-rise next to my condo. “What’s up?”

“Kevin called me because he couldn’t get ahold of you.”

“Shit! He called me?” I never heard the phone ringing this morning, but I also hadn’t checked to see if anyone had called either after I got out of the shower. God, I gotta get my head back in the game. “What did he say?”

“His clients have agreed to let the Lowes see their house.”

“That’s fabulous news!” I exclaim, bouncing in my seat. Mainly because it means I won’t have to spend hours today looking at MLS listings and I can curl up with a good book, reading the afternoon away.

“I know, right? Awesome stuff.” I can hear the smile in Liv’s voice when she adds, “So, I’ve been chatting with the Lowes over email this morning and I’ve scheduled you to meet them at Kevin’s house on Monday morning at nine. Okay?”

“You’re the best.” I glance away from the high-rise to Union Square, seeing all the people looking like blurry ants. This deal
needs
to work out and I’m crossing my fingers that it does. I grab my mouse and hit the
Send & Receive
button, then I delete the couple of spam messages in my inbox. “So, if we’re looking at the house on Monday, I’m wondering if you should—”

“Already on it,” Liv quips, and I can hear her fingers typing on the keyboard. “I’m sending all the information on the property to your email right…now.” The pride at being such a badass assistant echoes off her sassy tone, as her email is delivered to my in-box. “Okay, so for the second thing…” She hesitates, drawing in a long breath before getting very serious. “Micah stormed into our office a couple minutes ago. I think he thought you were here or something, because he looked so disappointed when he saw me. I told him you never work on Sundays, and that I only dropped in quick to get the details on the property for you. After that…well, let’s just say it didn’t go over well. He looks horrible.”

“What do you mean,
horrible
?”

“Like someone gave him the cutest puppy ever.” Liv pauses, for dramatic effect, I’m sure. “And then went serial ax murderer on it. Seriously, he looks like he didn’t sleep at all last night.”

“Weird.”

“Mmm-hmm,” she adds, then her voice lifts. “Remember when I said you must have the secret to snag a billionaire?”

“Yes, I recall such a statement,” I muse.

“Well, apparently, it’s not a secret, it’s a drug, because that guy is jonesing for you.”

I’m wondering how I can hate to hear something and love it at the same time, when she continues. “But I thought I would warn you, because it kinda seemed like he planned—”

A loud knock bangs on my front door.

“To come to my house?” I finish for her.

“Glad to know my instincts are still sharp,” Liv mutters, dryly. “Good luck.”

“It’s not luck I need,” I tell her, dead serious, hearing another loud knock. “It’s willpower.”

I raise my hand to knock again when Allie’s door suddenly flies open. Regardless of my mood, my mouth twitches. She looks cute this morning. Her hair is resting on top of her head in a loose bun, and she’s wearing black yoga pants and a tight soft pink T-shirt, detailing the tempting curves of her breasts.

She looks fresh, natural.

Blood rushes to my cock, throbbing to be inside of her, making everything inside of me okay. I slowly glance up her body to look at her face again, finding her glare. That I can handle. I feel better being with her when she’s angry than not being near her at all.

She crosses her arms, not allowing me inside. “Care to tell me how you got into my building?”

I suspect she’s considering all the ways I had gotten past her security guard without notifying her; bribery being the biggest contender, I’m sure. “I own the building,” I offer.

“Of course you do,” she grumbles, suddenly beginning to examine me from head to toe, taking in my black Holt T-shirt, black baseball cap, and workout pants. While I see the quick flare of heat in her eyes as she lingers a little too long over me, it’s when she looks into my face that her hard exterior softens slightly. “Are you okay?”

“No.” Lack of sleep and a hangover being the cause. Which is still a surprise to me. I’m a drinker, but I never get drunk. Anything that steals my control is weakness in my eyes. Last night marks the first night I’ve been drunk since Harvard, and the last thing I remember is Levi depositing me into the backseat of the Bentley.

We stay in a staring contest, while she’s still not moving away from the door. I finally sigh. “Can we talk?”

Her eyes narrow a little, but she slowly opens the door and lets me inside. I enter through the threshold, surprise rushing across me. She doesn’t live like a woman who has the money I suspect she does in her bank account.

Simple, yet tasteful; her condo is a lot like the woman herself.

I remove my shoes at the door, as she’s walking toward her open concept living room. My sock-covered feet slide on her hardwood floors, when I follow her in and take a seat next to her on her couch. Her leg brushes against mine, and I see the way she stiffens and understand why. The same jolt of energy passes through me, too.

This
thing
between us it’s infectious. I can’t deny it either. Fuck, if I could, I wouldn’t be here. All I know is I can’t survive another day like yesterday. Something’s gotta give.

I clench my fists, digging my fingers into my palms, trying to ignore the urge to bring her closer to me. It’s not so much a
want
as it is a
need.
She’s too far away from me right now. My mind is spinning, as I’m fighting to find the right words to say to her. She wants me to be this different guy. One I don’t know. But I want to be him for her, too. The one who knows how to do relationships.

I know how to fulfill desires. I know how to handle a woman’s body. But I don’t know how to deal delicately with a woman’s heart. “I shouldn’t be here,” is what finally comes out of my mouth.

“You shouldn’t be here?” she asks, incredulous. “That’s the first thing you say to me? Oh, my God, Micah. You’re seriously unbelievable.” She rises to her feet, arms flailing in the air. “I mean, you want me, you get me, you have me, then you leave me, but regret it later. Now you want to talk to me, but you shouldn’t be here.” She folds her arms, glaring. “Do I have that right?”

I nod.

She snorts and shakes her head in clear disbelief. “To be honest, Micah, this has all gotten a bit too complicated for me. I told you yesterday that it wasn’t going to work, and clearly it’s not.” She turns to move toward the door. “I think it’s best if you go—”

“Stop.”

I’m not sure what she hears in my voice that makes her freeze on the spot. I’m not even sure what I’m feeling, but the tension in my chest is squeezing my lungs and I can hardly breathe. She’s not looking at me, just staring at the door. She’s not even moving. But all I can manage is “Please. Stop.”

She turns then, eyebrows drawn together.

I bow my head, unable to look at her, not wanting to show her weakness. Whenever she stares at me so intently, she bares me. She strips every layer, every shield, and I’m not even thinking of what I should or shouldn’t do. I only know that today I
needed
to come here. And now that I’m here, I can’t leave.

She finally gives a long-suffering sigh and approaches, stopping in front of me. “What do you want, Micah?”

Her soft pink-painted toes fill my vision. But I don’t need to see her. I
feel
her. I’ve felt her from the second I met her. The light of her warms the chill out of me. “You.”

“Why?”

I want to stay silent. I know I can’t. Not anymore. “It’s like you have this secret that I don’t know yet. That somehow if I spend a little more time with you, I’m going to be let in on it.” I lift my head and stare into her eyes, watching her hair gently fall off her shoulders to curtain her face. “Every time I shut my eyes, you’re there. Every time I try not to think about you, you’re all I can think about. You’re haunting me. Every minute, every second, there’s nowhere to hide.”

I see a crack in her hard stare, the warmth I crave slowly showing through. “Then why shouldn’t you be here?”

I’m desperate to reach out and touch her. Instead, I clench my fists on my legs. “Because you deserve better than me. Because—”

“If you think that, then why are you here?”

“I can’t stay away.” I could give her a dozen answers that I assume will appease her. But I want to give her the
one
answer that she deserves. She wants
real,
and in this conversation, I can give her that. I know I
need
to give her that. “I already told you, it’s like you have this secret that I need to find out. A secret that has sunk its claws into me and refuses to let go.” I’m not thinking consequences when I rise from the couch and stand in front of her. It’s like I’m pulled by my words, compelled to move like a magnet to the one thing it needs. “A secret that has crashed the world I control. A secret that has somehow slipped the firm hand I live by. A secret that has all but destroyed every barrier I’ve ever put in place.”

I take a step toward her, closing in and inhaling her sweet, flowery scent. She surprisingly stays put when I cup her face in my hands. “I feel…” I pause, trying to put everything I’ve felt this past day into words. “I feel better when I’m with you and unwound when I’m not.” I squeeze my hands around her face, hoping to protect this embodiment of perfection under my hands. “I’ve never needed anyone in my life, Allie. But I
need
you.”

She eventually blinks. “But I need more of you, Micah; this can’t work if you don’t give me
more
.”

I hear the waver in her voice, the uncertainty of her words, and step forward, closing my body against hers. “Tell me what you need from me and I’ll give it to you.”

She pauses, looking past all my defenses. Then, “I want you to be there in the morning.”

“Then I will be.” I stroke her cheeks with my thumbs, controlling the adrenaline pulsating through my veins, spiking my heart rate. “And if I can’t be, you’ll know it beforehand.”

Her eyes widen in surprise, telling me that she knows changing anything about myself is something I would
never
do, not for anyone. “Really? Just like that, you’ll do this for me?”

“I can’t allow you to run from me again.” Whatever she asked of me now, I’d likely give her. “If this keeps you from running, then yes, I can do it for you.” I drag a thumb across her bottom lip, watching my skin slide against hers before looking into her eyes again. “I
need
you in my life, Allie, and I can no longer pretend that I don’t.”

I’m lost staring at her, touching her, relishing in the silence of my mind. My chest no longer constricts and my muscles loosen. It makes all the reasons I shouldn’t be with her leave my mind for this moment. They won’t vanish. I
will
deal with them, including Darius. But right now I’m not thinking about what could break us apart, I’m only thinking about
her.

I lower my head to hers. “Now kiss me,” I demand.

And she does. Deeply.