Read Bound for Nirvana: (The Bound Trilogy Book 3) Online
Authors: Kendra Leigh
Thoughts of Ethan splintered through my mind, my heart shattering into tiny pieces as I pictured him pacing the rooms of our home, frantic with worry. I wondered if he knew what I knew, and if he did, would he hate me, be disgusted by what we’ve done? I pushed the thoughts away, hating the way they felt and the fresh wave of fear they incited. What terrified me the most was that I would never be able to think of him or love him in the same way again.
Without further thought, I opened another bottle of vodka and began to drink, gulping the pungent liquid until my vision blurred and my eyes closed. I needed to sleep. Needed to seek a place where I could forget—oblivion. A place where all this would go away, back to… before. But as my mind began to shut down and I was finally on the brink, I suddenly began to panic again, petrified that sleeping would erase all the memories I had of before. That when I awoke, all I would remember was this—sheer, miserable, heart wrenching hell. I opened my mouth to speak before sleep finally took me, the barely coherent words a softly whispered prayer.
“I’d rather be dead.”
In my cataleptic state, I had a distant awareness that the light outside had come and gone several times, days fusing with nights. It didn’t matter. I knew that in my devastated, isolated, fucked-up world it would always be dark, no matter the time of day.
Over the days, I sank deeper into the murky recesses of my mind, engulfed in the all-consuming agony of grief. Other than the occasional gulp of water, nothing but vodka had passed my lips, leaving me unable to form coherent thoughts, and my body barely able to function. If life came with a self-destruct button, I’d pressed it. I existed, but only just, as if I were suspended between life and death in this otherworldly place, teetering on the edge of insanity. Coveting it—yearning for it.
Dreams had been subdued by the vodka, just fragmented threads of garbled thoughts, really—not much more than unsubstantial floating vapor.
Until finally, the vodka was gone. And the nightmares began.
Tilting my little hand, I leaned over the arced wall of the bridge, allowing the last pebble to roll off and topple down into the pond.
Splash!
Mommy checked the fingers on her watch again. She looked upset and it made my tummy hurt.
I wanted E.
“When will E be here, Mommy?” My voice was meek, puerile—that of a child.
“Soon.” Her long mahogany hair was blowing in the wind, like the tail ends of a kite. It was funny.
Something caught my eye, and I looked over her shoulder hopefully, to see if I recognized the person coming into view. He was moving fast toward us, his menacing gait spine-chillingly familiar. It was him. I looked down at my shoes quickly and hurried to Mommy, burying my face inside the warm safety of her coat. I could hear shouting, him cursing, telling Mommy she was a cheating bitch.
I wanted E.
Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my arm, my shoulder being tugged and yanked. The bones in my fingers felt like they were being crushed as he grabbed it in his big, gnarly hand and began to tug me away from Mommy. His walk was far too fast, much faster than my run, and I was struggling to keep from falling, my legs moving frantically as he dragged me along.
I shouted for Mommy, her sweet voice trying to soothe me when she called, “You’re okay, honey. It’s going to be okay.”
My feet seemed to be getting tangled, like my silly rag doll’s, as they tripped over each other, the toes of my lovely, red shoes scraping over the stones on the footpath. Above the noise of my pounding feet, I could hear him, his booming voice shouting cruel words at Mommy and making her cry. Fear tugged at my senses, the horrible clawing feeling that something really bad was going to happen.
I wanted E.
Then suddenly, I could hear them—the spotted beasts. Although I could barely keep up with him, I snatched a quick look over my shoulder. They were barking and growling, straining against their leash, and I prayed that it would hold because if they caught me this time, I feared they might eat me alive.
As panic overwhelmed, I tried to run faster, but it hurt too much. My arm hurt from him dragging me, my legs burning from the frantic speed, my chest aching, because there just was no puff left. I thought my heart was bursting.
I wanted E.
Suddenly, the pain in my arm and shoulder became unbearable, a tearing, burning pain as he tugged me away from Mommy’s helpless, reaching hands and flung me with all his might into the road. I could hear Mommy screaming, and out of the corner of my eye, a car careening down the road toward me. Suddenly, I felt a shove in my back, my neck jolting painfully as my feet left the ground and I soared through the air.
I hit the floor, my hands first, sliding and slapping against the concrete, and then my face, my chest, my knees, colliding heavily, scraping through the dirt. My teeth bit painfully into my lip and suddenly my mouth was filled with a warm, nasty, salty taste. My first taste of blood.
Then I heard the loud booming, crashing noise as it pierced the air, people screaming, the sound of footsteps running. I couldn’t hear Mommy anymore.
Every bit of my body felt broken, but worse than the pain was the fear that settled inside my soul. Too afraid to look up—too terrified to see. I just wanted to curl into a tight little ball, like the spiders did when E tried to pick them up. Because somewhere deep inside, I knew that after today, nothing would ever be the same.
Pulling my knees to my chest, I folded my arms around myself. My hair was cold and wet, matted to my face, the wind an icy blast, but inside my clothes my skin was hot and clammy with a fine sheen of sweat.
I wanted the noise to stop.
I wanted to be safe.
I wanted E.
I tucked myself into a tighter ball and peeked through the narrow slits of my half-open eyes. But I dared not look up, or glance around, so instead I kept my gaze focused on my shiny, red shoes, scuffed at the toes.
I awoke to the sound of my own voice piercing the air with a spine-chilling scream, my arms and legs thrashing wildly in the air, using more energy than my body could afford. Tears coursed down my face, melding with the sweat which drenched me from head to toe. The stench of vomit clung to my hair and face from throwing up in my sleep.
Why wasn’t I dead?
My body was depleted, my bones and heart heavy and aching from decaying desolation. Somehow, I dragged myself to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Then, stripping out of my clothes, I stepped under the steaming hot spray. The water cascaded over my fevered skin which seemed to cling to my gaunt and wasting frame. Evil and ugliness had saturated my soul and broken through to the surface of my skin. I could no longer hide my shame under the fake exterior of a beautiful body. I took the soap and began to wash, but no amount of scented sanitizer could cleanse away the foul stink of my own self-loathing.
Exhausted from trying, I slid down the shower wall and sank to the floor, the powerful rush of the water drowning out the raw, strangled sound of my abandoned keening.
When I finally gained the strength to move, I emerged and after drying off found some old sweats of Alisha’s in a drawer, pulling them over my weary bones. As I brushed my teeth with the spare I always carried in my backpack, I gazed at the unfamiliar woman in the mirror. Her face was alabaster pale, her cheeks sunken and dark, haunted circles surrounded red-rimmed eyes.
I found myself wondering what Ethan would say if he saw my neglected state. And with the sound of his voice in my head came the desperate longing to see his beautiful face. I yearned for the feel of his skin against mine, the warmth of his breath on my face. And deep down in my soul, I knew that without him, my heart would no longer beat.
Until I met Ethan, I’d always imagined that Hell would be my final destination. But when he came into my life and I finally began to face my demons, I began to believe that maybe I was living life in a purgatorial state and that one day I would be granted absolution and my sins would be forgiven. That’s when I took my first breath. I began to imagine a celestial peace for my soul and that when my demons were finally silenced, I would reach my nirvana.
Now that would never be possible, because my sins were more evil than I could have ever imagined. When I look back now, it seems so obvious. The connection we had, the way we were drawn to each other. He was part of me. Part of my soul, part of my flesh—part of my
blood
. My sin was the simple act of falling in love. But it was a love that was immoral—forbidden. And it was a sin I would never—could never—atone for. So it seemed I was right all along, my destiny had been decided. I would always be bound for hell.
And right now—I welcomed it.
Pulling a blanket around my shoulders, I grabbed my backpack and slowly made my way outside. The sun was only just rising in the sky, the only evidence that I was witnessing the birth of a new day. An icy wind whipped across the gardens from the ocean, the salty sea air beckoning me with a claw-like finger.
It was all very different now to how I’d remembered it on Claudia’s wedding day: the warm sun on my face, the place buzzing with the sound of clinking glasses and laughter; my heart missing a thousand beats when I laid eyes on Ethan, watching from a distance as he strutted around wearing his seductive charm like a second skin. Now it felt cold and abandoned—desolate.
Mustering all my energy, I made my way across the lawn and through the iron gate. Cautiously, I descended the wooden steps to the beach, the image of Ethan with his arms snaked around my waist at the end of the jetty flashing through my mind. The feel of his warm, velvet kiss on my lips and the safety of his strong arms was as real as if he were there, and the memory almost brought me to my knees with grief. I closed my eyes to the pain and swiftly blinked it away.
The rain must have fallen heavily in the night because the expanse of sand wasn’t soft and rippled like it had been that day, but instead was a smooth, even layer with a firm, crunchy texture. As I walked across the beach, my bare feet rupturing the surface, I noticed my footsteps were the only ones to violate this otherwise intact carpet of sand. Other than the raucous cry of the seagulls and the crashing of the waves, my labored breathing was the only sound to infringe on the peace. I was a trespasser in this world—an interloper.
My inadequate energy supply had depleted rapidly, I could walk no further. Turning to face the ocean, I pulled the blanket tightly around me and sank down into the sand.
The ocean seemed perplexed by my presence, the waves rushing forward suspiciously and crashing against the shore in a portentous demand to know what I wanted. I shivered as loneliness folded around me like a heavy cloak, enveloping my heart in its icy clutch. But I embraced it readily, the familiarity of it almost comforting, because I knew it so well.
Glancing over my shoulder, I looked back at the beach and the path I’d taken, the single set of footprints almost an ironic representation of my life—like they were mocking the fact that, like most of my life’s journeys, I’d taken this journey alone.
For a few moments, I allowed my thoughts to wonder about how it might have been if I’d grown up with Ethan—mindful of the true nature of our relationship. I’d have felt protected, cherished, loved. It would have been a different love, but wonderful, and special, and everything it should have been.
But I didn’t just love him. I was
in
love with him. With every breath and every fiber and every cell in my body, I was in love with him. And I would never—not ever—apologize for that.
But I couldn’t live with it.
Fumbling with haste, I pulled a notepad and pen from my backpack and scribbled down the words in my head, each flick of the pen eating away at my heart and my last remaining drizzles of energy. When I was done, I tore the page from the book and shoved it into the pocket of the sweatpants.
The freezing cold air stole the breath from my lungs as I undressed, and leaving the pile of borrowed clothes in a heap on the sand, I made my way to the inquisitive ocean. The wind lashed at me as my feet entered into the icy water, each gust like the stinging, brutal snap of a thrashing whip. This beating would be life’s final punishment—my last penance before I was plunged into bottomless perdition.
I was ready to satisfy the ocean’s curiosity.
And I was ready to take my place in Hell.
Terror consumed my soul as the freezing water rose to cover my body, squeezing the last breath from my lungs, the last beat from my heart.
Breathe! Breathe!
I breathed in, inhaling the freezing salty water into my lungs, the ocean opening up and swallowing me. The silence engulfed me as my mind and body began shutting down, and I surrendered to my fate.
Searching for my peace.
“Gonna kiss you if I catch you,” Ethan threatened as he chased me around the tree giggling. His face was marred with mucky smudges, his honey-blond hair tousled from the wind.
“Eww, no you’re not—won’t let you.” I let out a puerile scream and ran to the next tree, taking refuge as I used it as a barrier to catch my breath.
“I’ll give you ’till the count of three, then I’m coming.” His wicked grin revealed the gap where his baby teeth were making way for new ones. The Tooth Fairy had left him a dollar which he’d promised to share with me.
Thrilled by the threat of a chase, I made a face, scrunching my nose and pulling my tongue out before running off as fast as my feet would carry me.
Behind me, I could hear his voice getting further away as he counted, “One—Two—Thwee!”
I held my tummy as I started to giggle at the imperfect lisp in his speech caused by the missing tooth.
“Angel, watch out!”Ethan suddenly shouted.
It’s a trick, keep running.
“Angel!”
His voice sounded peculiar, earnest, so I stole a glimpse over my shoulder, my eyes widening as they fixed on the shape of two slobbering, spotted dogs hurtling toward me. Suddenly, the world seemed to collapse on my back, the ground rising up to meet me. My knee took the impact, the excruciating pain rippling through my tiny body. I screamed as the claws dug into my back, turning in vain to push the frenzied animal away.
It crouched on it haunches, its forelegs on my shoulders pinning me to the ground as it licked my face greedily, its tail wagging manically with fervent pleasure.
A man’s voice scolded the animal as it was pulled from my body, and suddenly I was folded into my mommy’s arms. I sobbed into her neck as Ethan looked on, his lower lip trembling, face etched with concern.
“You’re okay, honey, I’ve got you. It’s going to be okay.” Mommy’s voice was soothing, reassuring, her arms warm and safe as she held me tightly. The familiar scent of honeysuckle and jasmine filled my nostrils and the tears began to subside. Wiping a sleeve over my runny nose, I gazed over Mommy’s shoulder at Ethan.
“You okay, Angel?” His lip twitched into a cautious smile.
I nodded, splaying my fingers in front of my face and peeking through the gap. I didn’t want him to think I was a baby.
“I want E,” I said to Mommy, watching as his face broke into the widest grin, his chest puffing out with pride.
“Okay, honey. Let me just take a look at your knee. I think you might need a Band Aid.”
“I can do it! Please let me do it. I want to make Angel better,” Ethan shouted, beside himself with eagerness.
“Please, Mommy. Can Ethan do it?”
He tried hard, but he just couldn’t get it to stick, and his face grew redder with each failed attempt. I began to giggle, but Ethan glared at me, his countenance a blanket of hurt feelings.
“It doesn’t matter, silly.” I threw my arms around his neck and squeezed him until he pretended to faint. “Look…” I stuck my leg out to show him “…it’s mended now, anyway. It doesn’t even hurt.”
“Time to go, honey.” Mommy was calling me.
Ethan’s eyes filled with panic, his hand reaching out to clasp mine tightly.
“I don’t want you to go, Angel. Please don’t leave me.”
I squeezed his hand, reciprocating the silent declaration of love. “I have to, E. It’s time. Mommy’s calling.”
Kissing him chastely on the cheek, I turned to Momma, her hair billowing in the wind, an aura of bright radiant light banded around her.
“Angel?” Her voice was distant, flimsy as it resonated in the air toward me.
Turning, I ran toward her, reaching for her outstretched hand, an overwhelming sense of peace and safety washing over me like a warm, comforting blanket.
Before I left, I turned to catch one last glimpse of my love, my lips gently mouthing the words: I will always love you.
Ethan fell to his knees, the tears of abandonment and heartbreak streaming down his cheeks, and the desolate keening of his mournful cry fading on the breeze…