Authors: Eliza Jane
Zoey
missed the next two days of school, which made it easier that I didn’t have to see her, yet did nothing to remove her from my thoughts.
After I football practice, I took a cold thirty
-
second shower and left with my clothes clinging to my still damp skin. I needed to get out of there
—
I couldn’t take one more minute of
the laughter, the practical jokes
, the guys who were once my
teammates and friends now just felt like intruders.
It was annoying to be around people who thought they knew me so well, only they didn’t.
I was supposed to go to work, but my truck would
n’t
seem to head in that direction. I drove around for a while and ended up at the cemetery. I hadn’t been to John’s gravesite since the funeral. I was too chicken to go see it now, and just sat in my truck. I pulled some napkins from the glove box and tried writing a few things, but nothing came out right.
By the third day of
Zoey
being gone, I wondered if something had happened, and found Morgan at first break. She was standing with Jordan under the oak tree, the once blue streak in her hair now a freshly dyed bright pink.
They both turned and stared
as I walked across the commons towards them
.
“Hey Morgan.”
“Hi,
”
she drew it out, suspiciously.
“I worried if you knew where
Zoey
was?”
Morgan’s
eyebrows shot up
and Jordan looked like someone had taken his lunch
. “I just
—
we have an assignment due in Global Studies,” I lied.
“Oh,” she said, looking more relaxed. “She said her mom’s been sick. But I could pass a message along if you needed me to.”
I nodded. “That’s okay, thanks.”
I hadn’t missed football practice in four years, but a
fter school, I made an excuse with Coach Dickey that I had a migraine and
needed
to miss practice, then I drove to
Zoey
’
s
.
When I pulled up to her house, I almost chickened out. It seemed
more sad
than usual, dumpy and old. I hadn’t noticed that before.
I walked up the rickety front steps and
noticed the paint peeling from the front
door. I
knocked and
waited a few minutes
,
sens
ing that I was being watched
.
It was p
robably
Zoey
, swearing under her breath that I had come. And just when I thought no one would answer, the door inched opened.
Zoey
pressed her face into the open space and glared out at me. “Yes?”
“Hi.” She made no move to open the door or invite me in. So this is how it was going to be.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“You weren’t at school. And Morgan said your mom had been sick. Is everything okay?”
“J
ust go away
, Matt
.” She moved to shut the door, but I wedged my
shoe
in the door jam.
“Wait,
Zoey
.”
“Sorry
—
you can’t be the hero
and save the day
this time.
”
She pushed the door
shut
, and I pulled my foot back just in time from being crushed.
The door
closed
abruptly in my face, but I couldn’t erase from my mind the hollow look in
Zoey
’s
eyes, the fractured sound of her voice. She needed help and once again I was stuck
trying to think of a way
to get
her to
let
me in.
I balled my fists at my sides and walked back to my truck. I hit the gas and sped off, not sure where I would go.
When I pulled up to my house, my mom’s car was in the driveway.
Shit
.
I walked into the kitchen and set my bag in a chair.
“What are you doing home?” she asked.
“I was coming down with a headache, so coach let me out of practice.”
She stopped loading the dishwasher and just looked at me. “Mom, we need to talk.”
“What’s up?”
“Come sit down.”
I pulled her by the hand and sat her
down
at the kitchen table.
I turned a chair around and straddled it, facing her.
She wiped her dishwater hands on her jeans, and waited for me to start. I wasn’t sure if she was nervous or just drying them. “Don’t tell
me that
you got a girl in trouble, Matthew.”
“No, Mom, it’s nothing like that.”
Her shoulders visibly relaxed. “Okay.”
I took a deep breath.
“Why don’t we ever talk about John anymore?” I could tell that’s not what she wanted to hear and was fighting an urge to go back to loading the dishwasher. She shifted in her seat.
I took her hand.
“Mom?”
She didn’t answer, but I read the expression on her face. It was just too hard to remember.
“I don’t want to act like he wasn’t in this family. I don’t ever want to forget him.”
She nodded. “I can try, if that’s what you need.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, still holding hands. “Remember that time when I was ten and fell off my bike after trying to keep up with John and his friends and he tried to give me stiches himself rather than telling you guys?”
She nodded. “He was always a little reckless.” As soon as she said it, her smile faded a bit.
“I’m just glad you walked into the bathroom before he actually sewed my forehead with
pink
thread. I would probably have a Frankenstein scar if you hadn’t caught us.”
She squeezed my hand,
then
let it go.
“Mom, there’s something else too.” I swallowed. “There’s this girl.”
“
So there is a girl
.”
“
Yeah.
But it’s complicated
.
I want to be with her, b
ut
she’s trying to deal with some family stuff
…and I don’t know how to help – or if I even should.
”
She nodded. “It’s hard for boys your age to figure out what girls need you to be. They just want to feel special – like someone cares.
Like s
omeone notices who they are, and what they need and steps up when the time’s right.”
I thought about what
Zoey
needed, even if she was too proud to ask for it herself.
“What kind of family stuff?” she asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“H
er mom needs some help.
Kinda
like you did after John…” I stopped myself there to choose my words more carefully.
I cleared my throat and started again.
“
C
ould
you
help me
to get her into see your doctor?
”
She squinted, studying me. “Are you sure you should get involved in this?”
“No. But I’ve got to try and help.”
“Okay.” She stood up and
fished through her purse, handing me a business card
. “This is
D
octor
Lowenstein’s
card.”
She called the Doctor’s office and due to a cancellation, he
happened to have
an appointment open that afternoon, if we could make it there in the next half hour.
I
t
felt like a sign
.
N
ow if I only I could get
Zoey
to listen to me. I
knew i
t was time to tell her my secret.
*****
Ten minutes later I was knocking on
Zoey
’s
door for the second time that day. She pulled the door open this time, glaring out at me. If it was possible, she looked more frazzled than she had a half hour ago. Her hair was falling
loose
from the pony tail, and she kept glancing nervously back behind her, as if she was waiting for her mom to come barreling into the room any minute.
“What now?” she demanded.
“There’s something I never told you.”
“As much as I’d love to share a moment with you right now, Matt
—
I can’t.” The sarcasm rolled off her and she made a move once to again to close the door in my face.
I stepped in past her before she had the chance to. I looked around. It was eerily quiet in the house and I wondered if anyone was home.
Compared with the bright sunlight outside, the house was dim and
in
need of a cleaning.
I heard a low moan from down the hallway and met
Zoey
’s
eyes. For someone who was normally always in control, I could instantly tell something was wrong.
Her face showed shame, failure and embarrassment.
Her mom’s muffled voice called from don the hallway,
“
Zoey
, there’s not someone here is there?”
Her eyes darted past mine to the hallway.
“Just a
sec
, Mom.
I’ll be right there.” Then she turned to me. “Why are you here?
To see me fail?
To watch the drama?
I’ll pop you some popcorn
—
you’ll have a front row seat.”
I stepped towards her and took hold of her
shoulders,
pull
ing
her
in
towards me. I thought she’d fight me, but she let me fold her into a hug. “
Shh
,” I breathed against her hair.
She tucked her head under my chin.
“You don’t
have to d
o everything alone,
Zoey
. I came to help.” She
stayed limp in my arms, not pulling away, but not wrapping her arms around me either.
We sat down on the couch, facing each other.
“Tell me why you haven’t been at school.”
She looked down and picked at her nails. I knew
Zoey
and knew she hated admitting weakness. “My mom’s really losing it
—
and I
couldn’t leave her alone
.”
I looked her
over
more closely and I wondered if she’d even showered in the last few days. “Things have gotten worse?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she whispered.
“
Zoey
,
there’s something I never told
.”
“Matt, I’m sorry – I can’t do this. I don’t have time to talk about us right now.”
I shook my head. “No, that’s not it. I never told you
abou
t how John died.” She looked up and her blue eyes pierced mine with trust.
“He killed himself
.” I had never sa
id those words out loud before and they nearly stuck in my throat.
“He couldn’t live with himself after the things he’d seen and done in Afghanistan.”
Zoey
reached for my hand and squeezed it. “And knowing that I might have been able to do something, to try and get through to him somehow, I’ll never stop wondering what if…”
“It’s not your fault, Matt.”
I nodded. “I know that. But, we
need to get your mom help, okay?”
She nodded.
“After John’s
…death
, my mom was a wreck. She went to this doctor.” I pulled the card from my pocket. “And it really helped. She got someone to talk to and some medicine that helped her deal with everything.”
Zoey
pulled back. “Don’t think we’ve tried that? My mom’s been on drugs before
—
they’ve never worked.”
“I’m no expert, and I don’t know if this’ll work
—
I only know that it helped my mom. Maybe they didn’t try the right drugs or
the right
dosage before
—
but
we can tell all that to the doctor.”
“We?”
“Your mom has an appointment.” I glanced down at my watch. “And we need to get going if we’re going to make it.”
She stood suddenly, stepping back from me. I didn’t know if she was angry
with
me for getting involved or
going to
thank me
for helping
. But her shoulders dropped and
she
released a breath she’d been holding
in
. “Okay
.” She shrugged, like she’d given up on summoning the energy to argue, the effort of it too much.