Boy in a Band (A Morgan Mallory story) (25 page)

             
"Come on,” I said, taking Ben’s hand.

We sat with Ann and talked
, and I could tell she liked Ben.

             
“I can see you’re in good hands,” he said finally. “I’ve got to get going.”

I walked him to the door
, kissing him goodnight.
Yes, something was missing
. He hadn’t pushed for more, almost had made it impossible for more.

“See you in the morning,” he said.

I shut the door feeling down. I was glad I had Ann, she seemed to enjoy talking with me.

             
“Mathew’s out, but guess you probably figured that out,” Ann said when I sat back down.

             
I hadn’t asked. I stayed up talking with her, hoping he would get home. When she turned on the news I figured it was time to go to bed. Brad had been in and out during the evening; Sara and Sam had already headed to bed.

             
“Maybe I’ll see him tomorrow,” I said when I decided to go to bed.

I was out early the next morning
. Mathew was apparently still asleep. He was doing gigs with the band at night, sleeping late. Two nights passed, and I had yet to see him. The memories were weighing heavily on me. I remembered the last time I’d slept in this room, not even seven months ago. The night I’d crawled into the bed after lovemaking, his smell still lingering on me. Maybe he was avoiding me because of Ben.
No, Ben didn’t intimidate him.
I’d gone into his room more than once. Even picked up a T-shirt and breathed in his smell. I’d handled his guitar, running my fingers along the strings. Sara caught me once, standing in the middle of the room.

             
“Morgan,” she said.

             
Her voice made me jump, and I turned to look at her.

             
“Hey-” I said, feeling like an intruder.

             
I stopped, realizing anything I said would sound stupid.

             
“It’s okay,” she said, “I don’t think he would mind.”

             
Then she disappeared down the hall. I wanted to see him I realized. I wanted to talk to him, catch up, feel like we were still close.

Sara, Ann, and I sat in the hot tub and talked that night
. It was dark, the night air somewhat cool. I looked up into the sky; the stars were bright as was the moon, which made me think of green men. We talked and laughed about the beach and ski trips. I thought about Mathew lacing his fingers in mine in Mammoth in the hot tub. I thought about having been with Ben all day, and how his behavior was starting to bother me. He seemed distant and aloof. I flashed back to the night with Gayle in this very spot. I thought about what had played out that weekend. How crazy it had gotten with the three of us. We were both nuts for letting it go there. I saw Mathew lying naked on the bed with the two of us. It was too much.

“I think I’ll go shower
,” I said. “I’m tired. I’m ready to get in bed and read.”

             
“You go ahead,” Ann encouraged.

             
“Sleep tight, Morgan,” Sara said.

I stepped out
, grabbed a towel, and headed inside. The shower felt good. I let the hot water run down my back for a long time. I dried off in the steamed-up bathroom and put on a nightgown and robe. My hair was wet, but I wasn’t up to blowing it dry. Sara was standing in the hall when I came out.

             
“Sorry. I know I took too long.”

“Mathew’s home
,” she said.

             
“Oh, that’s good” I said, heading to my room.

             
“Aren’t you going to go see him?” she asked. “He’s up.”

“Like this
? I don’t think so,” I said.

             
“Go,” she said.

             
Sara and Mathew were at odds more often than not, so I was surprised at her encouragement. I looked towards his room. The door was closed.

“Sara
, maybe in the morning,” I said, moving down the hall.

             
I read for a while before I turned off the light, just drifting off to sleep when I felt a presence. When I opened my eyes, Mathew was standing next to the bed. I propped myself up on my elbows, and he came and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Hi
,” he whispered.

             
“Hey, Mathew,” I said softly, bending forward to hug him.

             
He held me tight for a long while and I didn’t try and pull away.

             
“I’ve missed you,” he said softly, his hair brushing my cheek.

             
When he released me, he took my hands, and moved in closer as I leaned back in the bed against the pillows.

             
“Really missed you.”

             
“Mathew, I’m tired, I’m involved, and no doubt so are you. Go to bed. Let’s catch up in the morning.”

             
He hadn’t let my hands go, squeezing them instead.

“Morgan, I need you
,” he said in the dark.

He missed me
? He needed me? Had Mathew ever needed anyone? Did he miss my friendship or our crazy physical relationship?
Mathew hadn’t used these kinds of words with me. I wasn’t clear on their meaning, not from him.

             
“I’m with Ben and—”

             
“Do you love him?” he asked, cutting me off.

I thought about his
question:
love
, another word so foreign to our vocabulary.
Did I love Ben? Did I?
I’d never said it to him.
Why would it matter if I did or didn’t?
While all these questions raced through my mind, Mathew moved closer, pulling our hands to his chest.
Oh, Mathew, what is it about you? How can you suck me in so completely? Make me want to do things I know are wrong?
He brought my hands to his face and kissed them, his lips felt like fire. I pulled my hands away.

             
“I don’t know,” I whispered.

             
“Know what?” he asked, distracted.

             
“If I love him.”

             
I felt my throat tighten.
Why was he asking me this?
Now I had to think. He lay down on the bed next to me and ran his fingers through my hair. I shivered. This was the gentler, more caring Mathew I had known from time to time.

             
“Are you happy?” he asked.

“I think so
. I don’t know,” I said, hesitant and confused. “It’s seems different with Ben now. Like my being away has changed something. I don’t know if it’s him or me. There’s this unspoken distance I feel. Gayle thinks I’m imagining it, but it’s like he’s going through the motions but not really there some times.”

             
I realized Mathew’s question made me confront my doubts and I didn’t really like it.

             
“He’s not for you.”

Wh
o did he think was for me? Him?
I wondered. He moved in and kissed me softly. When I let him, he took it to the next level, the kind of kiss that used to send me over the edge. An edge Ben had never sent me over. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my face into his shirt. In one simple exchange, I was back, back to Mathew and me.

“Can I get in bed with you?” h
e asked uncertainly.

             
“What about your parents?”

“They’ve gone to bed
. I made sure before I came in.”

Without me answering he
stripped off his clothes and got in next to me. He wrapped his warm naked body around mine and it didn’t feel weird like I thought it might. I sat up, lifting my nightgown over my head and let it drop to the floor. He pulled me to him, pressing our bodies into each other and kissed me. Kissed the tender skin on my eyelids, my cheek, and then down my neck. I inhaled deeply. Then he kissed my lips and gave me that kiss.

That kiss,
the edge,
the one that could make me instantly wet. His tongue seeking mine probing just the right way, making me forget there was anything but us. He traced his fingers down my shoulders and chest and teased my nipples. He rose up and followed the same trail with kisses and his tongue. He squeezed my breasts as he sucked on my nipples, which hardened with desire.

“Ah,” I moaned.

“I’ve missed you.”

His words
. At this point I didn’t care what his words meant. He kissed down my stomach and then spread my legs and kissed me there to. And then his tongue, his exquisite tongue, moved around my private parts, entering me, licking, sucking: making me want to buck and scream. He plunged his fingers into me and as he did so I arched and moaned in orgasm.

“Good, god,” I
breathed.

He softened his touch
between my legs and moved back up to my lips. I could taste myself in his mouth, starchy and sweet.

“That’s only the start kid,” he whispered.

I pushed him up and kissed his chest and down his body moving him higher until I could take his cock in my mouth. He tasted salty sweet like the rim of a margarita glass. I licked and sucked and moved him in and out of my mouth. He groaned and the sound sent shivers through me. I ran one hand up his chest and could feel the hammering of his heart. He pulled back and moved down my body.

When he entered me
, he rocked into me slowly, letting me get into the rhythm with him. I put my hands on his face and pulled his lips to mine, wanting his warm tongue in my mouth. I tried to move faster, but he held me back until it was almost painful and then when he was ready, he took it faster, riding us to the peak, where we both exploded. It was more intense than anything I’d ever experienced, even with him. Maybe he did need me; maybe I needed him. In the dark, in this moment, Mathew was all I wanted. I lay in his arms, my head tucked below his chin as he stroked my hair, relishing the smell of sex in the air.

Chapter 29

“So what about Ben?” he asked guardedly.

             
I hadn’t thought about Ben since Mathew started kissing me. “I don’t want to talk about Ben.”

             
I had never had feelings with Ben like I did with Mathew, never.

             
“We need to.”

             
His choice of words was curious. What
we
?

             
“Mathew, what do you want me to say?” I asked.

             
“You don’t love him, Morgan.”

             
It was more of a statement than a request. I ran my hand down his chest.

             
“The expert on love here,” I whispered. “Is that what you want me to say, that I don’t love him. Does it really make a difference?”

             
He ignored my question. We’d just had sex with reckless abandon and I wondered why it mattered what I felt about Ben.

             
“I’m pretty sure he’s been seeing someone else while you’ve been gone. Rumor has it anyway. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

Here was a boy
who had clearly hurt me over the years, worrying about me getting hurt. In one respect it was sweet and in another so out of character. I thought about Ben seeing someone else. He was a ladies’ man for sure. He was possessive on the one hand, but had no trouble blatantly looking on the other.

             
“Maybe that’s the distance I feel. We’re supposed to go to the beach tomorrow,” I said, not knowing how I felt about that now.

Mathew let the
statement hang.
If he just wanted me to confirm I didn’t love Ben, what did that do? Was I supposed to throw Ben to the curb over a Mathew moment?

             
“What a mess,” I said.

             
It was hard to be rationale in Mathew’s arms after how he’d just made me feel, was still making me feel.

             
“Tell Ben you’ve made other plans.”

             
“What other plans?”

             
“You-and-me plans,” Mathew stated like there was no question.

             
I chuckled as I snuggled into him.

“He’s always been so fond of you
. That should go down well, ‘I can’t go today, Ben, because Mathew made plans for us.’ What kind of you-and-me plans?”

             
“The beach.”

             
“Mathew, you realize what you‘re asking me to do, right?”

             
He lifted my chin and kissed me softly.

             
“Lose Ben,” he said.

I fell asleep in his arms
. When I woke, he was gone. I lay in bed thinking about what he said—he’d asked me to
lose Ben
. It was a simple request, but I wasn’t sure how to handle it, or if I wanted to handle it. It could have been a Mathew moment. I’d dreamed of Mathew and Ben, and they were arguing. Ben was calling Mathew a liar. Saying he told me there was someone else for his own benefit. I was unsure of my feelings and myself.
What did I want?
I wasn’t sure if Mathew was serious. I didn’t understand his request.

Ben was supposed to pick me up at noon
. I looked at the bedside clock, eight fifty-three. I rummaged through my suitcase for clothes and headed to the shower. Mathew must have been waiting for me to wake because he met me in the hall. I was sleep-deprived from our late evening and feeling it. I smiled shyly.

“Good morning
, beautiful,” he said, smiling back.

             
“You’re joking right?” I asked.

             
Sara came out of her room and saw us.

             
“Morning,” I said to her.

             
I felt awkward, standing in the hall in my nightgown.

             
“I was headed to the shower,” I said hurriedly.

             
She looked from me to Mathew and smiled.

             
“Morning,” she said and headed toward the kitchen.

             
I pointed at Sara’s back, at Mathew, and then me.

             
“She know anything?”

             
“I assume some. She’s never asked me, but she’s pretty tuned in.”

             
“Okay, then,” I said, clutching my clothes in front of me.

I turned toward the bathroom
, not sure what else to say. I was closing the door when he pushed it back open a crack.

              “When you’re finished, call Ben. I plan on heading to Santa Cruz about eleven.”

He planned on taking me to the beach after all
. Now I was forced to make some sort of decision. One look in the mirror told me Mathew had lied. My hair was disheveled, and I had mascara under my puffy eyes,
argh
. I showered, letting the hot water run over my body, trying to decide what to do. I dried my hair and put on my makeup and still didn’t know what to do. I looked in the mirror,
not too bad for a girl who was up half the night
. When I opened the door, Mathew was there.

“We’re going to the beach, you and me, go call Ben
,” he said firmly.

I was surprised
how happy I felt.
What was I going to say?
I slept with Mathew last night, had the most incredible orgasms, and I’m going to the beach with him instead of with you.
I went to the laundry room to use the phone that was there so I'd have some privacy. Ben’s mom answered the phone.

             
“Hi, it’s Morgan. Is Ben there?” I asked.

             
Ben’s mother had always made me feel like I was stealing her son, not hostile exactly, but uncomfortable.

             
“Yes, hang on, I’ll get him,” she said, resting the phone on the counter.

             
I could hear her calling him, pictured his room down the narrow hall. The receiver scraped across the counter as he picked it up.

             
“Hey, babe,” he said.

             
His voice tugged at my already raw emotions.
Get it over with, Morgan
.

             
“Ben, my plans have changed for today.”

             
I swallowed hard.
Was I really doing the right thing?

             
“I heard rumors last night that you've been seeing someone else,” I blurted out.

             
There was silence at the other end. I guessed Mathew knew it was more than a rumor.

“Who did you hear it from
? Mathew?”

             
His tone was caustic.

             
“It doesn’t matter. Are you seeing someone else?”

             
“Morgan, it’s nothing really, a close friendship,” he said. “You of all people certainly know that someone of the opposite sex can be a good friend.”

             
His tone was sarcastic. He tried to play it down, smooth things over. It was a girl he’d met in one of his classes, they’d talked, had lunch a couple of times. I could hear it in his voice, he was right; I knew too much about good friends. His new friendship was no doubt the detachment I felt. When I hung up, we both knew it was over, although we hadn’t officially said it. I didn’t feel sad, although I wondered if that would come later. The excitement of being with Mathew was probably overshadowing the sadness for now.

             
“You okay?” Mathew asked, walking into the room.

             
He had been listening. I was sure of it. I nodded my head
yes
.

             
“Good, let’s get ready to go,” he said.

             
On the drive over the hill, he talked about the band and what big strides they were making. They were scheduled to play at the fairgrounds this summer. He told me about his being at odds with his dad about his music. How he resented some of the pressure his dad put on him. He asked me about San Diego.

“So far I hate it
,” I answered.

             
“It seems like a cool city.”

             
“It is, and pretty, but I would rather be here, with friends.”

             
“Haven’t made any friends yet?” he asked.

             
“No, being the new girl—unlike your experience—is not easy. The girls don’t like me.”

             
“'Cause you’re pretty,” he said with a grin.

             
I smiled. This was all so different, a different Mathew than I was used to. A Mathew I had only seen glimpses of.

             
“We’ll stop at Togo’s in Santa Cruz to grab some lunch for later. I’ve got beer in the trunk,” Mathew said.

              “What’s Togo’s?” I asked.

             
“They have killer subs, kind of a new place I’ve discovered,” he said.

             
We drove over the hill, he sang with the radio, and seemed genuinely happy. When he stopped the car in front of Togo’s, he leaned over and kissed me.

“I’m glad you’re here
,” he said.

             
“Me too.”

I thought I should feel guilty about Ben
, but I didn’t. The butterflies in my stomach were too excited about being with Mathew.

             
“What do you like?” he asked, looking up at the sandwich board.

             
“You order for me. You know what’s good.”

             
I tried to give him money, but he wouldn’t take it. He obviously knew the spot we were going to. He drove into a neighborhood and parked the car. He took the towels and my beach bag out of the trunk.

             
“You carry these,” he said, handing them to me.

             
He grabbed the cooler and the bag from Togo’s. I followed him down a dirt path through the trees down onto the beach. It was a really pretty spot and somewhat secluded.

             
“Guess you’ve been here before,” I said, knowing I couldn’t find it again without him.

             
We spread out towels and helped each other get tanning lotion on, the smell reminding me of beach times in the past, his touch making my heart race. I kissed him lightly.

             
“Ready for lunch?” he asked, digging into the Togo’s bag and handing me a sandwich. “Beer?”

“Of course
. You still accosting people in liquor store parking lots?” I asked, remembering the Mammoth trip.

“When needed
,” he chuckled. “Have to get the goods one way or another.”

             
“I remember that night so clearly. I wanted to be with you so bad, but I was pissed at you and Bobby for always taking off together. When you two were together, I pretty much wrote you off.”

             
He cocked his head and looked at me.

             
“You did?” he asked, his mouth full.

             
“After Bobby left us alone that night, I thought maybe you would do something, and when you didn’t, I decided to go for it.”

             
The lazy sexy grin spread across his face making my knees feel weak. The thoughts of last night suddenly filling my head.

             
“You started with the finger thing,” he said, with a twinkle in his eyes.

             
“If my parents hadn’t come home, would you have gone all the way?”

             
I don’t know why, but it was important he validate some of my past feelings, like I wasn’t crazy.

             
“Maybe. I wanted to. You had me pretty horny,” he said.

             
“Like last night?”

             
“Hmm, last night doesn’t hold a candle to it.”

             
We ate our lunch, catching up on what had gone on since I moved. I told him more about San Diego. How lonely I felt there.

             
“Give it more time,” he suggested. “Let’s cool off, hottie.”

             
He reached for my hand, and we walked down to the ocean, holding hands. This was a Mathew I had only fantasized about. The water felt cold and I tried to go in slowly, but the playful Mathew wouldn’t have it, and he pulled me in, protesting. Once we were in, it didn’t feel so bad, and we swam out to where the waves weren’t breaking on us and floated on the surf. He held me to him as we floated.