Boyfriend (15 page)

“We can’t do this,” Jayna said, fixing her skirt and adjusting her hat that had fallen to the side.  “Paul’s frat brothers are everywhere.”

What the fuck was I doing?
  I leaned against the wall opposite her, surprised at how out of control I felt.  We stood for a moment staring at each other, out of breath and unsatisfied.

“Come by the dorm Monday during the day,” she said after a moment.  “Kerry is never there, and we can at least talk.”

“There they are.” We heard just as I started to tell her that meeting again was a bad idea.   

I looked down the stairs and Paul stood looking up at us.  Jayna started to walk down as Kerry walked up behind him. 

“We thought Nate got lost,” Paul said kissing Jayna.  He took her hand to lead her back outside.  I wiped my mouth for traces of her lipstick as I slowly made my way down the remainder of the stairs.  Kerry waited for me at the bottom.

“What’s that?” she asked as I emerged into the light.  She was pointing to the upper left corner of my shirt.  I looked down at a brown and red stain on my collar.  Jayna’s makeup was all over my shirt.

“Oh, that must be from when I hugged, Jayna.”

“Must have been a big hug,” she said pointing at the other side.

Shit.

“Then I don’t what that is,” I lied again.  “I washed my face in the bathroom, maybe something was on the towel I used.”  I made a disgusted face and laughed.

She shrugged.  “I have to use the bathroom too,” she said.  “I’ll be right back.”

I nodded as she walked up the stairs.  Either Kerry was playing dumb, or I just dodged another big bullet.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

The night of the party Kerry and I had made love with an intensity that wasn’t typical for us.  I thought of Jayna the whole time.  When I kissed Kerry, I thought of Jayna’s lips.  When I touched her, I imagined Jayna’s body, pushed up against the wall grabbing at me like she couldn’t get enough.  My usual gentle hands were rough, squeezing, kneading, and pushing into her from behind as deep as I could go.  Kerry sensed we were different but assumed it was the costumes and the beers we both had before we left.  Before we went to sleep, she smiled and stroked my stomach.

“That was amazing, baby,” she said kissing my chest, falling asleep almost before her words escaped her lips. 

I wanted her to be enough.  I wanted more than anything for us to be enough.

***

I awoke on Monday morning to an empty bed.  I glanced over at the clock and the time read 9:37am.  Kerry had a class at 10am.  My first class wasn’t until 1pm, and I usually met Kerry for lunch when her class let out at a quarter to noon.  Our routine was predictable.  I even knew where she would be sitting when I met her at the dining hall.

I lay in my bed for a moment before rising to get in the shower.  Kerry’s sweet scent was still in the air, but my thoughts still lingered on Jayna.  I thought of our encounter on the staircase and our many foolish choices.   I was overwhelmed by thoughts of them both.  Jayna’s naked body had been nestled in the same sheets where Kerry’s memory still lingered.  The thought both energized and nauseated me. 

It had to stop. 

“Whatever is done in the dark, always comes to light,” Aunt Laura had told us once.  At the time, she was referring to the thief that had been stealing vegetables from her garden.  She had said it with such conviction and determination, I believed her. 

I believed her now too. 

I glanced at the time again.  I knew Kerry would be in class at least until 11:30am.  I picked up the phone.  Jayna answered on the first ring.

***

When I got to Kerry and Jayna’s door, I hesitated before knocking.  I knew Kerry wouldn’t be there, but being in her dorm room to see Jayna made me feel like scum.  I knocked lightly, and Jayna opened the door and let me in.  She was wearing tiny pink pajama shorts and a white T-shirt.  Her hair was in a ponytail, and she was barefoot, her toenails painted a blood red. 

We stared at each other for a moment before I walked in the door.  She stepped aside and let me walk in, closing the door behind me.  I glanced over at Kerry’s side of the room and felt a twinge in my stomach.  I looked back at the door, considering walking out.  Before I could walk out, she slipped her fingers into my belt loops and pulled me towards her.  I sighed, trying to resist the urge to wrap her in my arms. She snapped her head back.

“What? Are you done with me again, Nate?”

I wished I were.  I wanted to push her away.  I wanted her to disappear.  I wanted the side of me that lifted her onto Kerry’s desk and pulled down her shorts to be buried somewhere far away.  Instead, I kissed her so hard she could barely breathe. 

“What am I doing?” I said pulling away, my breaths quick and heavy.  She pulled off her T-shirt, her bare breasts bouncing against her chest.  She ran her hands through her hair.  I kissed her again this time softer.  She pulled me to her tightly.

“You know exactly what you’re doing,” she murmured.  I kissed her again as she ran her hands down the base of my neck, the tips of her fingers running slowly down my back, pulling up my T-shirt.  I pulled her ponytail down and ran my hands through her hair.

“You’re better than him,” she whispered in my ear.  I closed my eyes and kissed her neck, her words turning me on in a way I hadn’t expected.  She cupped my face in her hands and turned me to face her.  “Am I better than her?”  I looked at her and tried to look away.  I knew what she wanted to hear, but I didn’t want to answer.  The answer was no.  Kerry was better than both of us.  But I knew that wasn’t what she meant.

“Am I better?” she said again, unbuttoning my jeans, not taking her eyes off me.

Instead of answering, I pulled down my pants and pulled off her underwear.  I pushed her back against Kerry’s desk, knocking over her post-its and picture frames.  I grasped her legs and pulled her toward me, pushing myself inside of her.   She smiled as if that were a good enough answer and moaned.  I began to thrust into her deep and hard trying to drown out the voice inside my head that wanted so desperately to be a different man.  She ran her hands around my shoulders and pushed her waist up so she met my thrusts. 

“Oh my God, Nate.”

Encouraged, I continued.  

“Oh my God.” 

This time I realized it wasn’t Jayna’s voice I heard.  Jayna sat up and placed her hands against my chest pushing me away and staring over my shoulder.

“Nate,” she drifted, her eyes wide.  I pulled up my pants that were still around my ankles.  I buckled them and turned around, hoping what I was about to face would just magically disappear, a bizarre product of our joint imagination.

No such luck.

Kerry stood behind us holding her book bag and a cup of coffee.  She opened her mouth as if to speak, but no sound came out.  Jayna crept off the desk and gathered her clothes from the floor, putting them on quickly.

It was silent as Kerry eyes darted from Jayna to me then around the room taking in the whole scene. 

“Oh my god,” she said again, her voice shrill and unfamiliar.  She stared at me, the hurt and anger bubbling up and tainting every crevice of her face.  “Nate…” she whispered. 

I started towards her and like a reflex, she threw the coffee at my chest, the hot liquid sizzling down my body then onto the floor.   I winced but didn’t move.  The pain reminding me that I was awake and that this wasn’t a dream.

She turned around and headed towards the door.

“Kerry,” I said taking a step in her direction, not entirely sure what would follow.  She paused and turned around.

“I knew!” Her voice was high and piercing, tears now freely streaming down her cheeks.  “I knew but I didn’t want to know! I knew but I didn’t want to…”

Kerry lowered her head and moaned mournfully.  She placed her hands on her face and began to sob.  Each sob pierced my chest like blade. 

I had caused this pain. I had caused Kerry this pain. 

I looked at Jayna cowered in the corner of the room, looking like a scolded child.

“Don’t you look at her!” Kerry yelled in a voice unfamiliar to me, taking fast and heavy steps toward me.  Instinctively, I blocked my face. 

“I loved you,” she spat, striking me twice with all of her might, hitting me once on the arm and the second time hard on the side of my face.  She said “loved” like it was a dirty word.

“How could you do this?” she asked as if expecting an answer.  When I didn’t answer, she asked again and again, pounding her fists into my chest for punctuation.  I put my arms down and let her hit me, allowing myself to feel each stinging blow.  When she lost her balance, I tried to catch her only to be smacked twice in the face. 

I felt emptied and unable to speak.  I had known this moment would come.  In fact, a part of me looked forward to it.  I didn’t want to hurt Kerry, but I needed to be released.  I knew I would disappoint her, and this day seemed as inevitable as death. 

With or without Jayna.

Kerry pushed me aside and began towards Jayna. “You’re disgusting.” Jayna looked away.  “Look at me!” Kerry screamed taking a few steps closer to her.  “You’ve always been disgusting,” she continued.  “Just like your slut mother.”

Surprised, I looked at Jayna who looked at Kerry, stunned.

“You didn’t think I knew? About your disgusting mother and what she tried to do to my family?” Kerry asked, inches from her face.  “I felt sorry for you, bitch.  I felt sorry for you.”  Jayna looked away again, tears in her eyes.  I knew she didn’t suspect Kerry had known.  I didn’t either.

“LOOK AT ME!” Kerry screamed again this time storming closer, her fists bawled as if ready to pounce.  I grabbed Kerry’s shoulders as Jayna popped up defensively, now looking angry.  I held Kerry back as she struggled to free herself. 

“I feel sorrier for you, Kerry,” Jayna spat.  “Neither you or your mother knew how to keep a man.”

Kerry broke free with such force it almost knocked me down and smacked Jayna hard in the face.  Jayna flew back in shock, her hands instantly going to her face.  I intercepted as the two charged towards one another.  I held Kerry by the waist and blocked Jayna from getting to her with my back.  The two began yelling and cursing at one another over my shoulders, my attempts to calm the two completely unnoticed.  The yelling continued for what seemed like minutes before Kerry finally grew quiet. 

“Let me go, Nate,” she said softly.  Unsure, I hesitated.  “LET ME GO.”   I let go, and she looked away from both of us.  “I’m better than this,” she said more to herself than to Jayna or me.

She swung open the door and charged through the crowd that had formed outside the door.  Jayna and I stared at each other until we heard the door to the dorm hall slam.  

Not long after, I followed.

PART II

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

“What the FUCK is that smell?”

I opened my eyes and winced at the stinging sunlight that traveled through the dusty white blinds. Muffled voices coated the air.  My head felt heavy and leaden, the taste and smell of alcohol and vomit inundated my senses. 

“You want ME to be quiet? It’s MY house.”

I lifted my head from where it stuck to the dirty, Berber carpet below me, wiping the vomit from my face with my hand and trying desperately to focus my eyes. 

The door to the room I was in burst open, slamming a discarded bottle of Vodka carelessly set in front of it into a nearby wall.  The shards of glass barely missed me.  I groaned.  Startled into better coherence, my eyes focused on my father who stood in my doorway clutching a wooden cane, his eyes red and lips curled in disgust.  Despite his accident and his aging frame, his presence was still formidable.  In fact, the balding and deep wrinkles that painted his face added a severity to him that was once hidden in youth.  My mother stood behind him, wrapped in her own embrace, her eyes darting around the room frantically.  The fat from her arms squeezing through the sleeves of her ill-fitting housedress. 

“What. The. Fuck,” my father said, pronouncing each word carefully.

I sat up, looking at the pool of vomit below me, my clothes sticking to my body with sweat.  “I’ll clean it up,” I managed, my voice hoarse and raspy.

“Damn right you will.  And when you’re done you can get the FUCK out of my house,” my father hissed. 

“Nate,” my mother said reaching for him.

“Nate, what?” he said shrugging away her touch. “This worthless piece of shit goes to college on an I.O.U. and then comes back to my house broke as fuck, with no job, just to shit and piss and eat up all of my money.  I’m on disability.  I didn’t win the Lotto.”

“Junior,” my mother said peering down at me, her nose wrinkled from the smell emanating around me.  “Why don’t you go clean yourself up?”

I nodded, rose slowly and walked weakly out of the room.

“I should send your ass outside to hose yourself off.  Fucking up my house,” my father started again.   My mother muttered something I couldn’t quite hear. 

“No, I’m not going to stop, Chrissy.  You never taught these idiot kids a goddamn thing…” he continued turning to my mother as I rounded the corner into the bathroom.