Boyfriend (23 page)

“I’m so sorry, Kerry,” I began.  “I don’t know why because that’s how fucked up I was.  I loved you.  I loved you more that I had ever loved anyone.  I think about what I did to you every day. I am so sorry.”

“Did you love her too?” The words shot out of her mouth.

“No,” I said almost instantly. 

“Was that day the first time?” She didn’t break her stare and she crossed her arms over her chest.  It was clear she had been holding onto these questions since that day in November three years ago.

I hesitated.

“Forget it,” she said uncrossing her arms and wiping her tears.  “Forget it.  What am I doing?  I am not that same 19 year-old-girl waiting desperately for your call.  I’m over this.  I’m over you.  I have been for a long time.”  She stood almost knocking over her partially empty cup of water that was sitting near the edge of the table.

“Kerry, wait,” I said rising with her. 

“You never even called me, Nate.  You say all these things about loving me, but you let me walk out the door and never even tried.”

I sighed, the regret heavy, weighing me down like gravity.  “I just assumed you wouldn’t want to hear from me.”

“I didn’t!” she spat.  Her grown-up, calm demeanor was broken.  “But you could have tried, Nate.  You didn’t even try.”

I shook my head feeling panicked.  I felt foolish for believing things could have gone smoothly with us.  As if I would apologize and we would embrace and start over. 

“I’m engaged.  I’m over this.” She stormed away from the table.  I pulled three twenties out of my wallet and threw them down, running quickly to catch up with her as she practically vaulted out of the entrance to the restaurant.

I caught up to her hailing a cab on the street.  “Kerry!”

She looked back at me and continued to wave frantically.

“Would you look at me?  Just for a minute,” I pleaded.  “Please…”

She turned toward me.  “What?”

I stared at her, wanting to grab her and pull her to me, hold her the way I had when we together.  I wanted to tell her I still loved her, and I had never stopped.  My phone buzzed again in my pocket.  I knew it was Allison without looking. 

“I can’t do this,” she said as a cab pulled up to let out a fare.  An older gentleman exited the cab, and Kerry jumped in.  I watched as the cab pulled away before I turned and headed to the subway.

              ***

I arrived back at my apartment as Allison’s mom was leaving. 

“We’re in the home stretch,” she said hugging me.  I nodded.  “Oh, Allison had a fit for fish sticks and apple sauce so I brought them over.” I grimaced.  “Don’t make that face, Nate. We used to eat them when she was a little girl.  Don’t dip it because it’ll get soggy.  Take a bite of the fish stick and a spoonful of apple sauce. You won’t regret it.”

I nodded. 

“Okay, I’m going to go.” She kissed my cheek.  “Bye, sweetie.”

I walked in, and Allison was sitting on the couch with her feet on the coffee table and the plate full of fish sticks on her lap.  She looked at me and took a bite of her fish stick.

“Hey, babe,” she said with her mouth full.  I plopped down next to her, feeling worn, trying to push the image of Kerry walking away from me again out of my head.  I turned the television to ESPN.  “Want?” she said holding a fish stick towards me.  I shook my head, and she laughed. 

“How was the fitting?” she asked cramming a spoonful of applesauce in her mouth.

“Good,” I lied.  “The tux looks good.  Phil was crazy nervous.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Ana and her mom have been driving him crazy.  You would think the wedding was tomorrow and not six months away…”

“Phil called while you were gone.”

Shit.

“Did I forget something?” I asked, hoping Phil had my back like when we were in college.

“No.  He was looking for you, Nate.”

Shit.

“Wow, so you asked me how the fitting was even though you knew I didn’t go?”

“I didn’t want you to lie, Nate.” She put the plate of fish sticks beside her and turned to face me. 

“Oh really? Then why wouldn’t you just ask me where I was instead of setting me up?”

“Setting you up?  I’m not an undercover cop, Nate.  Either you tell the truth, or you lie. You chose to lie.  I didn’t force you to.” She lowered her feet off the ottoman.

She was right, but I was already angry.  So was she.  Allison and I never fought but our spat just added gasoline to an already blazing fire.  I was everyone’s villain.  Kerry… my sister… I didn’t need it from her too. 

I shook my head.  “This is bullshit.”

“You know,” she began rising and stroking her stomach.  “I’m not stupid, Nate.” She pointed down at me for emphasis. “Don’t think for one second I haven’t noticed you never told me where you were all afternoon.  I swear, all men play the same stupid game.  Turn it around when you get caught.  Do you all take a class or something?”

“Would you like a report every time I walk out the fucking house, Ally?” My voice was getting louder.  My anger munching on my common sense.

“Did I say that, Nate?” She started to breathe a little harder.

“Like I said, this is bullshit,” I said walking towards the door. 

“Oh, and now you’re walking away?”

“I need to clear my head.”

“No,” she said walking toward the closet by the door.  She reached in and grabbed her coat and slipped on her shoes.  “I’ll go.”  She pushed past me and slammed the door hard as she walked out the door. 

***

Allison stayed away for two days before she called me.  When she finally called on Tuesday afternoon, I barely spoke.  She scolded me for my behavior.  She “had no idea what was going on” with me but warned I needed to get it together for her and the baby.  She waited for my apology.  I paused, cleared my throat and then asked her if she was done.

              She hung up on me.

I knew what I was doing was low.  Allison had done nothing to deserve my behavior.  Her only expectations had been love and honesty.  I just wasn’t ready to let her back in.  Not when what was left of Kerry and me still lingered in the air. 

Something told me I hadn’t seen Kerry for the last time.  The image of her sitting in front of me remained crystal clear in my memory.  How desperately she tried to appear nonchalant. And the way her deep brown eyes betrayed every bit of emotion she still felt. I wanted her back.  Despite the way things ended, it suddenly felt like a possibility.

***

A few hours after Allison hung up on me, there was a knock at my door.  I opened it and Natalie charged in, stomping straight into my apartment and turning to face me as I closed the door.

“Hi,” I said waving.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you?”

I shrugged.  “What are you talking about?”

“Can you please explain to me why
your
six-months-pregnant girlfriend has been crying herself to sleep on my couch for the past two days?”

I laughed. “You couldn’t give her the bed?”

“I don’t even know how you can think that is a little bit funny, Nate.”

I shifted on my feet uncomfortably.  “Couples fight, Natalie.”

“But
men
don’t kick their pregnant girlfriends out and not answer her phone calls.  She feels alone, Nate.  Alone and pregnant.”  She looked at me, her eyes ejecting bullets.  “I know how that feels.” 

“Wow,” I began growing angry.  “First, I didn’t kick her out - she left.  And second, let’s not forget, she doesn’t live here!”  I yelled. “Last, I thought we moved past what happened between us, Natalie, but clearly it is ‘hold-on-to-shit-that-Nate-has-done’ month.”

“What’re you even talking about, Nate?”

“You! You’re standing here and judging me for something you know nothing about.  I didn’t mean to hurt her.  I tried my best.”  My thoughts were cloudy.  Even
I
was starting to lose track of who I was talking about.

“Fix this, Nate.  Your life doesn’t need the karma of abandoning your pregnant girlfriend.”  I rolled my eyes.  “Seriously, Nate.  Fix this.”  She looked at me for a moment before she turned around and walked out, closing the door behind her.

I huffed and walked into the kitchen, pulling open cabinets and knocking around their contents.  Even I didn’t know what I was looking for until I found it but as my fingers grabbed the small bottle of vodka buried behind the vegetable oil, I felt overcome with ease.  I clutched the bottle tight as I twisted the top, throwing my head back hastily as I took that first unbelievably satisfying sip. 

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

The next afternoon, I was jolted out of my sleep by the telephone. 

“Is that yours or mine?” I asked through a yawn, forgetting Allison wasn’t beside me.  Remembering, I rose and made my way to where my phone lay on my dresser.

“Hello.”

“Hey.”

It was Kerry. 

“What’s up?” I asked suddenly wide awake.  I glanced at my alarm clock.  11:52am. I was supposed to be at work at 10am. 

“How are you?”

“Okay,” I said after hesitating for a moment.  Her voice was like a beautiful song I could never forget.  I didn’t know why she was calling, but I didn’t want her to change her mind and hang up.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“No, not at all,” I said pulling some clothes out of the closet and chucking them on the bed wondering what excuse I would give Keith for being over two hours late.  We were quiet. “You good?”

“I’ve just been thinking about how we left things.”

“Me too.”  I sat back on the bed and looked over at my clock again wondering if it was even worth it to try to go in.

“Is it okay if I come by?” Shocked, I couldn’t manage a response.  “I guess I shouldn’t just invite myself over.”  She laughed.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”  I regretted it the moment it came out.  I wanted her to come by.  More than anything, I wanted her to come by.  I just wanted her to be sure.  No running out this time. 

“You don’t want me to?”

“I’m just surprised.  Especially the way we left things…” I sighed. “I mean, of course I do, Kerry.  Seeing you again is all I can think about.”

“What’s your address?” 

***

An hour later, Kerry arrived at my apartment in a long ivory coat and black pumps.  Her hair was down and her bangs were full and framing her made-up face.  She looked beautiful and manicured… like she had stepped out of a Neiman Marcus ad.   With my sweat pants and sweatshirt we looked like we shouldn’t be occupying the same universe, let alone the same room. 

She walked in slowly as she unbuttoned her coat.  Her heels clicked on the hardwood floors.  She placed her coat on the chocolate-colored sectional Allison had picked out.  I pictured Allison laying on it, stroking her stomach and laughing at something on television.  I started to feel guilty but shook it off.  If I had a second chance with Kerry, I shouldn’t let it pass.  I needed her.  I needed her in way I never needed Allison. 

Under her coat Kerry wore a wrap dress with black and white polka dots and a red belt.  She stopped and turned to me, standing about a foot in front of me.  I put my hands in my pockets and stared at her.  My heart was pounding fast. 

“This is nice,” she said, looking around.  I nodded, trying my best to catch her eyes.  I finally did, and we stared at each other.  Her eyes were just as deep and rich as they had always been. 

Thoughts flooded in and out of my brain like water.  None staying long enough for me to process what was happening or how I felt.  I had wanted her here.  I had imagined her here.  Even the first day I moved in, while Allison busied herself moving things around and organizing, I thought of what it would be like to share this space with her.  To make the life she had always encouraged me to imagine. 

“So what’s up?” I said sitting on the arm the couch.

She looked at me and smiled, folding her arms across her chest.  “I wanted to see you again.”

I nodded but before I could speak she walked closer to me so she stood between my legs.  We stared at each other for a moment before she smiled.  I smiled back and slipped my hand around her waist and pulled her closer to me.  I closed my eyes and pressed my head into her chest and she ran her hands through my hair.  She was soft and smelled like lavender and vanilla.  Sweet and familiar. 

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. 

She cupped my face in her hands and kissed me.  Taking a slow journey to my lips and starting a dance we both knew well.

And we kissed.

Deeply and passionately… slowly and carefully.  I held her tighter as her hair fell over my face.  I stood up, running my hands through her hair and kissing her with everything I had.  We paused, breathing heavy and not breaking our stare. 

“What are you doing this?” I asked.  She shook her head and tried to kiss me again.  I pulled back.  “Kerry?”