CAP your rules.
Rules delivered with certain characteristics have the best shot at instilling moral awareness in children. You can remember them with “CAP.”
“C” stands for Clarity
. The rules are clear, reasonable and unambiguous. It often helps to write them down. Chore charts are good examples. Many families simply shout out a rule as a reaction to a frustrating experience: “From now on, you are going to bed by 8!” But what happens to the rule when the emotions die out?
Write down important rules, and post them in a public place for the whole family to see. They can serve as a point of negotiation and a source of humor—as anyone who has read the
Harry Potter
series and the edicts of Dolores Umbridge can attest.
“A” stands for Accepting.
The rules are delivered in a consistently warm and accepting environment.
“P” stands for Praise.
Every time a child follows a rule, reinforce the behavior. This includes praising the absence of a behavior, such as when a child learns not to yell in a restaurant.
Explain the rationale behind the rule
Explain verbally to your children the reasons for your rules. This allows kids to generalize the lessons learned to other situations, which leads to moral internalization. If all they have is “Because I said so,” only a primitive form of behavior modification takes place.
Effective punishment FIRST
“F” stands for firm.
The punishment must mean something. It has to be firm and aversive to be effective.
“I” stands for immediate.
The closer the punishment is delivered at the point of infraction, the more effective it is.
“R” stands for reliable.
The punishment must be consistently applied whenever the noxious behavior is displayed. Inconsistently applied rules are confusing and lead to uneven moral development.
“S” stands for safe.
The rules must be supplied in an atmosphere of emotional safety. Children have a hard time internalizing moral behavior under conditions of constant threat.
“T” stands for tolerant.
Actually, it is a call for patience, something we addressed only obliquely. Children rarely internalize rules on the first try and sometimes not on the 10th.
Videotape yourself parenting
Most parents keep a running documentary about the early lives of their children. Indeed, the generation coming will be the most filmed in history. What if you tape yourself parenting your little one? Especially for the tough spots. You could alternate with your spouse on taping duties and try to analyze what you’re doing right and wrong. It may give you a clearer idea of your effectiveness as parents.
Enjoy the journey
Parenting is
so
on the right side of worth it!
references
thanks
The birth of this book was assisted by many doulas, and I am deeply indebted to all of them. I am grateful for the sunny optimism and tireless work of my publisher, Mark Pearson. And for the instructive, incisive, caring comments of my editor, Tracy Cutchlow. I still owe you a beer.
I am also indebted to Jessica Sommerville, for supplying the essential oxygen of peer review. And to Carolyn Webster-Stratton, for kind words and encouragement. To Dan Leach, for his curiosity, enthusiasm, and countless inspiring conversations. To Bruce Hosford, for deep friendship. hard work, endless support. To Earl Palmer, for inspiration, and to John Ratey, for the same. To Rick Stevenson, for visual possibilities and love of narrative. To Alice and Chris Canlis, for creating one of the closest-knit families I know—truly a role model for the world to follow. And to Alden Jones, without whose neverending concern and unceasing devotion to detail this book and its many moving parts would not be possible.
Lastly, I am indebted to my family. To our two dear children, Josh and Noah, for showing me that true love can exist between fathers and sons, even when you were smaller than the period at the end of this sentence. And to my wife Kari, simply the most amazing person I have ever met.
A
Abstract thinking
Adrenaline
Aerobic exercise in pregnancy
Affect detection, in empathy
Age
chronological
mental
television watching and
Alcohol, brain development and
Alley, Kirstie
Alloparenting
Altruism
happiness and
morality and
Alzheimer’s, ginkgo biloba in
American Association of Pediatrics, on television watching
Amniotic sac
Amygdala
Andreasen, Nancy
Anencephaly
Anger
continual, as toxic stress
Anorexia nervosa
Anxiousness in baby
Application, punishment by
Aristotle
Association cortices
Associative data
Attachment
Harlow’s experiments on
time as factor in
Attention-deficit disorders, risk for
Attention span, television and
Attentive parenting
Auditory perception, origin of
Authoritarian parenting style
Authoritative parenting style
Authority, respect for
Autism
Autobiographical memory
Avoidance behaviors, fetus’s display of
Awareness
increasing your
B
Babies
anxiousness in
bonding in providing safety for
bringing home
cognitive abilities of
competition concerning
crying of
disruption of normal
exploratory behavior of
exposure to new things
food preferences of
fussiness in
happiness of
having first
hypnotic effect of, on fathers
imitation by
impact of new, on marriage
limbic system in
memory of
moral sensibilities in, at birth
need for face time
need of, to relate to others
prewriting of, for learning
prior to birth (
See
Fetus)
sensitivities in
sleep schedule in
social contract with parents
stress-response system in
talking to
teaching impulse control to
temperament in
tracking of language in
Baby Blues
(comic strip)
Baby Einstein DVDs
Baby Prodigy
Background components of human behavior
Bakermans-Kranenburg, Marian
Balanced emotional surveillance
Balance development in fetus
Baldwin, James
Bandura, Albert
Bargh, John
Barney and Friends
Baumrind, Diana
Behavior
avoidance
background components of
as choice
complications in
decision-making and
exploratory
foreground components of
praising in absence of bad
Presbyterian
taking critical look at your
visible
Binet, Alfred
Bipolar depression, risk for
Birth defects
causes of
DNA and
folic acid and
Birth weight
brain volume and
IQ and
Blended families
Blogging
Bloom, Paul
Bobo the clown, observational learning with
Body language, interaction of, with speech
Body maps, development of, in baby’s brain
Body Mass Index (BMI)
Bonding in providing safety
Bone mineralization, stress hormones and
Boundary formation in empathy
Bradlee, Ben
Brain
desire for safety
developmental timetable for
differences in
early developmental immaturity of
emotions and
fixation on safety
gray matter in
learning and
response to external environment
role of, in bridging facts and emotions
sensory system of
survival as priority of
white matter in
Brain boosters
advertising of ginkgo biloba as
breast-feeding as
talking to baby as
Brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF)
Brain development
alcohol and
answering questions about
in children
claims of, in womb
creativity in boosting
drugs and
emotional health in
exercise and
exposure to hostility and
in fetus
folic acid in aiding
impact of TV on
male versus female
neurons in
nicotine and
overstimulation and
parenting and
Paré on
pregnancy weight gain and
scientific answers to
stress and
Brain science, capabilities of
Brain size
brain power and
IQ scores and
Brain volume, birth weight and
Breast-feeding as brain booster
Breast milk, omega-3s in
Bullying, television and
Bundy, Ted
Burns, Robert
Buscaglia, Leo
C
Calories in diet while pregnant
Career, guiding children toward income
Cathepsin D, link to intelligence
The Cat in the Hat,
reading to fetus
Causal data
Ceausescu, Nicolae
Cell phones, texting on
Childhood as vulnerable time
Childhood obesity, problem of
Child rearing
gay parents in
grandparents in
length of time in
need for team work in
role of nature in
in two-parent household
Children
boosting confidence of
brain development in
career guidance for
controlling digital activities of
developing empathy reflex with
development of moral reasoning in
differences in
in doing right thing
effect of divorce on
emotional regulation in
encouragement of
feelings in
fighting in front of
in finding happiness
getting to know individually
goal in raising happy
helping make friends
imitation by
influences on
instilling moral awareness in
lying by
monitoring emotions of
opinions of parenting styles
praising efforts of
problem-solving skills in
reconciling in front of
resilience in
rules and discipline in raising moral
source of happiness in
television watching by
use of language
Choices, willingness to make right
Chomsky, Noam
Chronicles of Narnia
series
Chronological age
Clinical depression
linking stress with
parenting and
social isolation as cause of
Cognition, learning sign language in boosting
Cognitive abilities of babies
Cognitive development, phrases of
Cold, distinguishing hot from
Cold decision-making
College-degree parents
Comfortable with emotions
Common fate, principle of
Communication
nonverbal
verbal
COMT (catechol-O-methyl transferse), link to short-term memory
Conference, learning
Confidence, boosting
Conscience
Consequences, considering
Control, loss of, as toxic
Cooperative social groups, survival and formation of
Cortex
Cortisol
Cowan, Carolyn
Cowan, Philip
Cravings
Creativity
cognitive gadgets in
impact on brain development
intelligence and
in play
predicting
risk-taking and
Crisis as teachable moment
Cross-modal transfer
Crying
by baby
reasons for
Crystallized intelligence
Curiosity, pressure in extinguishing
D
Damasio, Antonio
Darwin, Charles
Data
associative versus causal
source of
Davis, Miles
Decision-making
emotions and
moral
Deferred imitation
Demandingness
Depression
learned helplessness and
marital conflict and
in new parents
risk for
Developmental psychology
Diamond, Adele
Diet
calories in, while pregnant
fruits and vegetables in
paleo
Digital age
Digital experiences, dividing, into categories
Digital games
Direct instruction
Disappointment, continual, as toxic stress