Brainstorm (14 page)

Wednesday came, and I was in Dr. Steele’s office, wondering
when to tell her I thought I had a brain tumor; I had already fessed up about
ditching my meds. She leaned forward in her chair. “Audrey, you can’t stop
taking your medication just like that. You need to be weaned off of it. When
did you last take your antidepressant?”

“A few days ago.”

She shook her head in dismay. “We can start reducing the
amount if you’re determined to get off them, but cold turkey is not the way to
go. There can be severe side effects to that.”

“Is loose bowels one of them?” I asked, thinking of those
dreadful pharmaceutical commercials. “Or boils?”

“Sorry?”

“Never mind,” I said. “So, what could happen?” As I asked
the question, another zap pierced my brain. I must have winced, because Dr.
Steele asked what was wrong. “Are you all right?”

“I don’t know. I just had what felt like a lightning
strike inside my head. I think I have a brain tumor.”

“No, you don’t have a tumor,” she said softly. “That zap
was a withdrawal symptom. That’s what happens when you just stop taking your antidepressant
instead of getting off gradually.”

“It’s happened before,” I said, waiting for it to happen
again.

“And it will happen again. And it will get worse. Other
symptoms will accompany the zaps.”

I leaned back in my chair and cried. “I feel so helpless.
Carl’s arrest should have bolstered me. Danny is off the street. Only Ferdy is
on the run, and I doubt he’ll want to come anywhere near me. But none of that
makes me feel any less vulnerable.”

“There’s still a lot up in the air,” she said. “Nothing has
been resolved. Well, you must see that this is not the time to stop your
medication. When all of this is over,
that’s
the time to begin weaning you off. Not now, for heaven’s sake. Please listen to
me.”

I rubbed my eyes and leaned my head back. “I can’t think
any more.”

“Which is why I think it might be a good time for you to
consider letting me admit you to the hospital for a week or two, to get you
away from the stress.”

“You mean a psych ward?”

“I’m talking about a therapeutic, in-patient environment.”

“So, a psych ward.”

“I have a lovely place in mind,” she continued, “a
peaceful facility near here where you can get your mental balance back. I’m
worried that your GAD will get out of control and lead you into more serious
problems, if it hasn’t already.”

“Are you kidding?
No
way!
Jack would never stay with me. What do you think
that
would do to my so-called mental balance?”

“I don’t need your permission, Audrey, if I think you’re
on a dangerous path.”

My temper skyrocketed, maybe out of fear and maybe out of
disbelief; she’d said it so quickly it was obvious she’d been thinking of that
as her Plan B before today. “Go to hell!” I said, and I grabbed my purse and
left, slamming the door behind me.

I drove erratically all the way home and was shocked that
I hadn’t been pulled over.
What nerve she
has
, I thought.
How arrogant to say
that she could decide for me!
I would not be admitted to any psych ward.
That was the end of Dr. Steele.

A vision of me choking the daylights out of her flashed
in my head. I saw myself squeezing that scrawny bird-neck of hers, as her face
reddened and contorted. I could feel my thumbs pressing harder and harder on
the soft flesh of her throat, until her trachea collapsed and her tongue lolled
out of her mouth, like a dead dog I’d seen once on TV.

Shaking and sweating, I pulled into the parking area
behind my apartment, managed to gather up my mail, and climbed the stairs. I
tried to put the key into the lock but my hands wouldn’t be still; I could
almost feel Carl’s gun in my back. I dropped the key and it fell through a
crack in the decking, down to the gravel below. I wanted to scream, but diners
were seated on both levels. Clenching my teeth, choking on my fury, I went back
down the stairs, dropping and recovering two pieces of mail along the way. I
finally retrieved my key, and went back up; this time I was able to let myself
in.

I threw everything on the couch, wanting nothing more
than to tear off the clothes that were strangling me. Piece by piece, I ripped
them off and flung them aside, like a pissed-off exotic dancer, then ran
through the kitchenette, into the bathroom, and into the shower, all the while
hearing Dr. Steele’s voice in my head, threatening to put me away. As I turned
on the water, I was overcome with a feeling of abject helplessness, wretched
enough to weaken my knees. I sank to the floor, hugging myself and sobbing; I
rocked back and forth until the water turned cold and forced me out.

Naked and wet, I paced my small apartment, wringing my
hands, until I spotted the mail I’d dumped on the sofa. A bubble envelope, like
the one Harley had sent to me before, lay partially covered by junk mail and
bills; I picked it up and tore it open. The note inside read:
May 13, same time. Like before, just you and
me. H.

Harley wanted to Skype again. In two days. Already on
overload, I stared at this new communication from her. What would she reveal
this time? What new piece of the puzzle would she provide? I paced back and
forth, faster and faster, tugging at my hair, so unfocused, that when someone
knocked on the door, I just opened it.

“Whoa!” said Jack. “What are you doing? Back up so I can
close the door.”

“What?”

“You opened the door in the buff, that’s what!”

I looked down at myself, horrified to see I was naked.
“Oh, my God!” I grabbed the afghan from the sofa and wrapped it around myself.

“What’s going on?” Concern wrinkled his brow. “What if it
hadn’t been me?”

“I, I don’t know,” I stammered. “I had a very upsetting
session with Dr. Steele – she wants to admit me to a psycho ward!”
You weren’t going to tell him that!
I
screamed inside my head.
He’ll leave you
now!

“She said that?”

“She claims it’s to get me away from this God-awful
stress so I can gain back my mental balance, but I know what she means,” I
said, unable to shut myself up. “She thinks I need to be put away. She said she
doesn’t need my permission to do it!”

“Okay, calm down. You know I’m on your side, right?”

I nodded. “But you have no say in it. If she wants to go
to court and get me put away, she can. With or without you.”

“Listen, go put something on and then come back and we’ll
talk.”

I let the afghan fall to the ground. “Make love to me,
Jack. Prove you love me.”

He took me in his arms and held me. I hadn’t realized how
cold I was until the warmth of him seeped into my skin. He kissed the top of my
head, and then whispered, “Not like this. Now go get dressed.”

When I returned, he was holding the note from Harley.
“Another one? When did this come?”

“Today. Just now.”

“I’m on security detail that day,” he said. “She never
gives you much notice, does she.”

I shook my head. “I’ll record the whole thing and play it
for you. Listen, Jack – I’m so sorry about –”

“About what?” he smiled. “Answering the door in your
birthday suit?”

“I’m so embarrassed,” I said. “I was in such a state.”

“I’m not complaining; I could look at you naked all day
long. I just need you to ask who’s at the door before you open it – you know,”
he chided, “to be sure it’s me and not the luckiest-ever Jehovah’s Witness, or
some impressionable little Girl Scout selling cookies.”

“It’s just that Dr. Steele,” I started.

“Obviously I don’t know her, never met her, but I’m sure
she has your best interest at heart. She probably didn’t mean she was going to
send the men in white coats after you, she probably meant she wants you to get
away for a while.”

“So you’re taking her side now?”

“Of course not – and you need to stop and think before
you say something like that to me.”

“You’d better leave, Jack.”

“Audrey!”

“I mean it. I want you to go.”

He opened the door, but stopped and looked back at me.
“You’d better consider going back on your medication. I can only do so much for
you, Audrey, and I sure as hell can’t do that.” He left, slamming the door as
he did.

No, no, no, no, no!
Now I was turning Jack against me and there would be no one left – no one but
Harley.

For the next day and a half, I bided my time looking for an
apartment, and finally found a complex of efficiencies under construction not
too far away. Units would not be ready for a couple of months, and the deposit
required to reserve one, was thankfully an amount I could afford.

When Monday arrived, and I was mentally preparing myself
to talk to Harley, I realized I’d forgotten that yesterday was Mother’s Day. I
dug through my kitchen drawer for a marker and then proceeded to black out the
entire day on my calendar, making sure no white showed through. It was
something I did every year. The tradition had almost slipped by me this year
with so much else on my mind. That done, it was time to set up my laptop; in an
hour Harley’s face would appear on my monitor. I’d picked up a new pack of
cassettes and loaded one into the recorder, and just to be sure, put in new
batteries. Then I placed it on the table, just out of the monitor’s range.

My phone rang, and Jack’s picture appeared on the screen.
I had ignored three other calls from him, so I decided to answer this time.
“Hello?”

“Audrey, it’s me.”

“I know. What do you want?” My heart ached. I missed him
so, but I couldn’t take a chance that he would not only agree with Dr. Steele,
but might work in concert with her to put me in some institution where I’d
never get out.

“You may not want to talk to me,” he said, “but I wanted
to give you a heads-up. Danny Stearns’ trial is about to get underway, and
you’ll be called to testify. Someone from the Rochester PD will be getting in
touch with you in the next day or two. I didn’t want it to come as a shock.”

“I appreciate that. Thank you.”

“Also,” he said, “it was confirmed that Danny Stearns’
DNA was inside that ski mask, but you knew it would be. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Jack, thanks. But I have to go now.” I clicked
off and his face disappeared from the screen.

I turned on my laptop and the recorder, wondering how I
would be able to mask the anger I still felt toward Harley after our last
conversation. I was hoping to get new information from her, and I knew that
being pissy was not going to help my cause. I did some slow breathing and
waited for the Skype tone to tell me she was calling. Within a few minutes, she
was there.

She had changed her appearance. Her long, smooth dark hair
was now shorter than mine, and choppy. And red. I thought of Lisa and wondered
who had done the job on Harley.

“Hi Aud,” she waved.

I waved back, “Wow, do you look different!”

“Like it?” she giggled.

“I was surprised to get your note,” I said. “After the
last time, I didn’t know if you’d ever get back in touch or not. I’m glad you
did, because I wanted you to know that Carl came to the office. He had a gun.” Out
of the corner of my eye, I could see the wheels in the recorder turn.

“Oh, no! What did he want?”

“I guess he wanted to see if he could scare me into
telling him where you are. I told him over and over that I didn’t know, but
then he tried to make me go upstairs with him and it scared the crap out of me.
I was terrified!”

“Oh, God, Audrey, he didn’t hurt you did he?”

“No, in fact, I grabbed the crystal nameplate you gave me
and put it through that little window on the staircase. That sucker is heavy;
it smashed the glass all to hell and set off the alarm.”

“So he ran?”

“He tried, but the police arrested him. He’s in jail,
just like Danny Stearns.”

She paused for a moment, then asked, “Do you remember
when I was in the hospital and you told me that I was going to come stay with
you in the office and you wouldn’t take no for an answer? Remember how in
charge you were?”

“Yes. And I think that was the last time I felt that
way.”

“Well, now I’m going to return the favor. I’m going to
send you a one-way ticket. I’ll send it to the post office box. Do you still
have the key?”

“Of course, but…”

“No buts about it – I’ll overnight it to you. You can
stay with me.”

“Where are you?”

“Let it be a surprise. But pack light. We aren’t going
anywhere cold.”

“I don’t know how I’d pull that off – what I’d do with
all my things.”

“Audrey, what did you tell me? You said, leave it and get
new stuff! It’s a new life! Start over!”

I didn’t know what to do. As angry as I was with her, she
had
separated herself from the three
men, and she did seem to genuinely want to help me escape this life that was so
overwhelming. I stopped for a moment to think of what I’d be leaving behind if
I took Harley up on her offer. Sadly, the answer was not much. Nothing I
couldn’t replace. My landlords could sell off the contents of my apartment and
ditto for the guy I rented the office from. And Jack? Well, in the long run,
Jack would be better off without me, just like Eddie.

“You don’t want to testify, do you?” she asked, “and you
don’t want to end up in that booby hatch, right?”

“Right.”

“So
come
on -
I can tell by your face that you’re
thinking about it. I’ll overnight the ticket. It’ll be there tomorrow.”

“I’ll do it,” I said, with hope bubbling up in my chest.
“It’s the perfect way out for me.”

We said goodbye and I closed up the laptop, wondering if
I should take it with me. I’d heard a hard drive contained everything, even
deleted material, and I thought Jack could probably find my conversation with
Harley on it. I didn’t know what a hard drive looked like, let alone know what
to do with one. I had an idea and slid the machine into its case.

I carried the laptop next door to the salon and set it on
Lisa’s desk. “Hey Girl,” I said. Lisa was in the middle of giving a man a Telly
Savalas – in other words, shaving his head. While Telly’s head was beautifully
shaped, smooth, and the same color as his face, this man’s skull was small,
pink, and wrinkled. Not a good look – but you could tell he thought he was hot.

After he left, Lisa pointed to the laptop. “What’s this?”

“I want you to have it!” Excitement at escaping my life
had overtaken me to the point where I was giddy. I could feel my face stretch
into an absurd smile, but seeing the confusion on Lisa’s face brought me back
with a thud. “I’m leaving, and I can’t take much with me.”

“You’re moving already? Why can’t you take your stuff?” I
started to cry and Lisa went to the door and locked it. “Audrey! You’re up,
you’re down, what’s the matter?”

“I can only tell you if you promise not to breathe a word.
Not even to Jack.”

“Of course, you know I wouldn’t.”

“I’m going to meet Harley. I have to leave. Danny
Stearns’ trial is coming up and I cannot – I mean I
cannot
– testify. My therapist wants to commit me. Jack and I are
on the outs, and I’ve just had it. I can’t take any more.”

“Harley? I thought she flew the coop? You know where she
is?”

“No.”

“Oh, Audrey, you are not making any sense! How can you go
with Harley if you don’t know where she is?”

I explained how Harley was sending me a plane ticket. “I
won’t know where I’m going until I see it.”

“Well, did she tell you to bring a passport?”

“No, and I don’t have one.”

“Then she’s still in the country somewhere.”

“I can get into Canada and Mexico with my driver’s
license – she could be in one of those places, I guess.”

“This does not sound like the greatest idea,” she said.
“Are you sure this isn’t just a gigantic knee-jerk reaction? I mean, what about
Jack? You’re ready to just leave this guy you’re so crazy about?”

“Don’t try to talk me out of it,
please!
I’ve made up my mind. You’ve got my spare key. Go through
the apartment after I’m gone and help yourself to whatever you want. I’m taking
only a few things with me.” I pulled a key out of my pocket and pressed it into
her hand. “This is my spare to Nelly. And here,” I said, as I pulled paperwork
out of another pocket, “is the title and registration. I signed it all over to
you. Take good care of her, okay?”

Lisa started to cry. “I can’t take your Jeep, Audrey.”

“You have to. Otherwise she’ll get sold, and I want to
know she’s in good hands.”

“Are you ever coming back?”

“I don’t know,” I sobbed. “But remember, not a word of
this.” We hugged for a long time and then said goodbye.

I went back to my apartment and popped two happy pills,
then pulled the tape of my conversation with Harley out of the cassette and cut
it into little pieces.