Bread Upon the Waters (15 page)

The professor, who looked a little like Einstein and knew it and had let his hair grow into a mane like the scientist’s, stared at him queerly for a moment. “I was asking you how you treated the subject of Vietnam in your classes. In the public school system, I mean.”

“We don’t teach modern history.”

“Vietnam isn’t so modern,” the professor said. “After all,
our
problem with it goes all the way back to World War II. History is a seamless web after all. Boys went directly from our halls into the armed forces. We had a crisis of conscience that nearly split our department in two.”

Strand decided that the man was not to be taken seriously. “It was not included in our curriculum,” Strand said, knowing he was being rude, knowing that it wasn’t because of anything the man had said, but because of his conversations with Hazen and Eleanor that morning and seeing Caroline eating at her mother’s side. His department hadn’t been split and neither had he. He had deplored the war, had written his congressman, signed petitions at the risk of his job, had said at his dinner table, with Jimmy listening, that he approved of the boys who had fled to Sweden or had registered as conscientious objectors. But he couldn’t say that over cold lobster and paté de foie gras in the sunny picnic atmosphere on the edge of the sea.

Luckily, at that moment, sparing further conversation with Einstein, Hazen came over. “Excuse me, Mr. Strand,” he said, “may I talk to you for a moment?”

“Of course,” Strand said and stood up. He followed Hazen into the house.

“I’m sorry to disturb you,” Hazen said in a low voice in the empty living room, “but I have to leave for the city now. That telephone call at breakfast this morning. I’m just going to slip away. I don’t want to break up the party with a lot of farewells and explanations. You understand, don’t you?”

“Certainly.”

“Make my apologies to your wife. Even though we’ve spent so little time together this weekend,” Hazen said, “I’ve enjoyed having you all here.
All
of you,” he said emphatically. “The next time I’ll cut the telephone wires.”

“It’s been a memorable holiday already,” Strand said. If Jimmy had been there, and had known what had happened the night before and had overheard the conversations of the morning, he would have said, “You can say that again, brother.”

“You’ll call me during the week, won’t you?” Hazen said as the two men shook hands. Conroy was waiting in the hallway, patient charioteer, dressed in a dark business suit, and he and Hazen went quickly out the door to the waiting Mercedes.

Y
OUR NAME HONORED ON
the shelves of libraries…. Did he know his own name? There was this other man, using his name, leading another life. Vigorous, not lying in a strange bed, with the sound of surf or blood in his ears…

“How was the weekend?” Judith Quinlan asked.

“Conspicuous consumption,” Strand said. “In the best sense.”

Judith laughed. “I can guess what you mean.” It was a raw afternoon, with gusts of rain, and they were seated by the streaked window of the coffee shop after school, glad to be out of the weather for a quarter of an hour with the day’s work done. Strand had told Judith a little about Hazen and, trying not to boast, had described Caroline’s adventure in the park. He sipped his coffee gratefully. He was in no hurry to get home. He had had a trying night with Leslie on Sunday after Conroy had deposited them in front of their apartment building. The traffic coming in from the Island had been bad and the trip had taken a long time and his face was burning from the two days of sun and he knew that Leslie had noticed he was brooding about something and would get after him about it as soon as they were home. He was not in the habit of hiding things from her and had no practice at it and he knew that he would sound either foolish or sullen when she started on him.

And, for the first time in their married lives, when he had tried to make love to her on Saturday night, he had been impotent. Leslie had pretended that it was nothing and had fallen peacefully asleep next to him, but he had tossed uneasily all night and when he did sleep had vague, ominous dreams. And then, on Sunday, she had said she had a slight headache and had kept to her room all day. He had not wanted to have the whole thing out with her until he had decided what position he was going to take about Hazen’s offer for Caroline, so his only refuge was silence. Since he was not ordinarily silent with Leslie, he sensed her growing disquietude and was aware of the searching looks she kept giving him in the car, although she didn’t say anything with Jimmy and Caroline seated beside her.

Eleanor had driven into town with Gianelli. Leslie had been a little sharp with Eleanor, too, because although she had told Strand that she would be present for dinner Saturday, she had called at the last minute and said the gang (whoever that might be) had decided to go to Montauk for dinner. She hadn’t come back by the time they had gone to bed and there was no telling what hour she had finally come in. Then on Sunday she had packed her bag in the morning and gone off with Gianelli, saying there was an all-day party on at a movie director’s beach house in Westhampton and there wouldn’t be any sense in coming all the way back just to ride in with them in the evening.

Jimmy, too, had found a girl in the bar in Bridgehampton and missed lunch and dinner to go to her place and had arrived at Hazen’s house just in time to get into the car with them.

Only Caroline, who had played ten sets of tennis during the two days, and who now, exhausted, was sleeping with her head on her mother’s shoulder, seemed to have enjoyed the weekend completely, saying, just before she dozed off, “What a dreamy way to live.” Strand wondered if she would have been so content if she had heard what her sister had said about her in those few minutes at the pool. Finally, he knew, he would have to tell Leslie all the things that were bothering him, but he had to sort them out for himself first. Without asking Leslie if she wanted to listen to the radio, he had turned it on in the car to make conversation difficult, and he knew Leslie was going to ask him about
that,
too.

The memory of the night before made him frown as he stirred his coffee and looked out at the rain beating at the window.

“You don’t look as though the weekend did you much good,” Judith said.

Strand touched his face, which was beginning to peel. “I’m not used to the sun,” he said.

“I don’t mean that,” Judith said. “Did anything bad happen in school today?”

“No. Nothing happened. Neither good nor bad.”

Romero had slouched into his office, surly, with the familiar mocking grin on his face and said, “I consulted with myself like you said I should and I decided, What the hell, what have I got to lose, just carfare, I might as well see the man and see what he’s selling.”

“He’s not selling anything.” Strand wrote Hazen’s office address on a piece of paper and gave it to Romero. “Write him a letter saying you’re interested. That way you won’t even be out carfare.”

“Ain’t you going to go there with me?” Romero sounded almost frightened.

“I think Mr. Hazen would prefer to handle this just between the two of you.”

Romero looked at the address uncertainly, then squashed the piece of paper into his jeans pocket. “Write a letter, for Christ’s sake,” he said aggrievedly. “I ain’t never written a letter in my life.”

“I have one suggestion to make, Romero,” Strand said. “If you
do
write the letter, make it sound like the papers you give me, not the way you talk.”

Romero grinned. “I got dual nationality, don’t I?” And slouched out of the office.

Strand had not told Judith about Romero and now, in the coffee shop, he was tempted to speak about him, perhaps get her to help tame the boy. But he knew Romero had never been in any of her classes and it would be no favor to her to expose her to that mocking smile, that impenetrable insolence.

“No, as Mondays go,” Strand said, “it was even a little above average. But I do have a couple of problems.”

“Animal, vegetable or mineral?”

Strand laughed. “All three. The weekend actually passed off quite well…quite well.” This was technically almost true, if you did not consider the last weary hours of Sunday night, with the prospect of a week’s labor looming darkly over the spirit.

Or if you didn’t include Hazen’s drunken tirade or the argument in the bedroom.

Strand and Leslie rarely argued. He had always told her she was a serene woman and that that was one of the things he loved most about her. But there was nothing serene about her as she sat on the edge of the bed, her mouth grim, her eyes scanning him like weapons, while he fiddled, hanging up his jacket, taking off his tie.

“What is it, Allen?”

“What is what?” he said.

“You know. You’re hiding something from me. What is it?”

“Nothing. I’m tired.” He yawned, almost convincingly. “I had a long talk with Hazen about the fate of Romero—that’s the young boy who…”

“I know who he is,” Leslie said shortly. “I also know that isn’t what’s bothering you.”

“I’m tired,” Strand said weakly. “I have a hard day ahead of me tomorrow. Why don’t we just postpone it until…?”

“I will not be left out of things. I’m your partner or I’m nothing.”

“Of course you’re my…”

“It has something to do with the family,” Leslie said harshly. “Something you know and I don’t. Is it that young man who came to pick up Eleanor? You talked to him. Did he worry you? I saw him from the window. He looked perfectly all right to me. It’s not because he’s Italian, is it?”

“You know me better than that. As far as I could tell, he’s fine. Now, please, let’s go to sleep.”

“Did you have a fight with Eleanor?” Leslie persisted. “Another one of your medieval attacks?”

For a moment, Strand was tempted to tell his wife what his talk with Eleanor had really been about. The preposterous idea that Caroline thought she was ugly. The ludicrous discussion of Caroline’s nose. And Hazen’s troubling suggestion about sending Caroline off to a distant college. But he wasn’t up to it yet. He felt bone-weary, badgered, uncertain. If he let it all out he’d be up the entire night struggling with Leslie. From the way her mouth was quivering he knew there would be tears. Her tears unmanned him at the best of times.

“I just have to go to sleep now,” he said.

“Go to sleep,” she said. She got off the bed and strode out of the bedroom. A moment later he heard her at the piano, all doors open, both things disastrous indications of storm at that hour of the night.

He sighed, put on his pajamas and went to bed.

He went to sleep almost immediately and when he woke in the middle of the night, Leslie was in bed, too, but on the other side, not touching him.

In the morning she pretended to be asleep when the alarm clock woke him and he left the apartment without going in and kissing her as he did on other mornings. She was a serene woman with a good temper and she did not like to fight, but when she was angry, the anger lasted for days, cold and distant and untouchable, making him feel he was an exile in his own house.

Strand looked across the table at Judith Quinlan, drinking her coffee with her two hands around the mug in that affecting, childish way she had, her soft pale eyes sympathetic and concerned. Suddenly he felt that he had to confide in this nice simple woman who was intelligent and understanding and not involved in his problems and who could be depended upon not to break into tears.

“Some things came up,” he said. “Family things. Nothing tragic. Decisions to be made. After you’ve brought up two children you think you’ve learned the trick and can handle the third. Not true. They’re all different. What went with one doesn’t necessarily go with the others, at all. Maybe I worry too much, maybe I ought to let things just happen…. The way I was brought up…” He shrugged. He had been an only child, he had been lonely, his father had been much older than his mother, a sickly, failing man who had no time for a scholarly son and who used what energy he had left when he came home from work to argue with his wife about money. “My own family life…” Strand said, “well, there was no overflow of love.” He chuckled dryly. “Maybe I developed a sentimental notion of what a family might be. Anyway, it made me feel that when I had children of my own I’d be responsible for them, protect them. And luckily, or maybe unluckily, my wife had always felt the same way. We’re involved, maybe too involved, selfishly involved, in their lives. I don’t know. As a man said to me over the weekend, I’m out of joint with the times…. It’s hard to unlearn.”

“Are they in trouble?” Judith asked, her eyes grave. He could see that in her mind she was running through all the possible troubles young people could get into in New York City these days and thinking how dire those troubles could be.

“Nothing gruesome.” Strand smiled. “In fact, it’s quite the opposite.” Then he told her about Hazen’s offer to send Caroline away to college and the reasons for it. He didn’t tell her about Eleanor’s reaction and what Eleanor’s reasons were for believing that Caroline should be kept at home. That would have been too painful…. Even as he spoke he felt again the resentment against his older daughter that had risen in him when she had spoken to him and he was afraid the resentment would show. “My immediate reaction was to say no,” he said. “I’m afraid my pride was hurt. That I was being left out of the decision-making process, that I wasn’t capable of taking care of my own child—somehow Hazen, the whole weekend—made me feel like a loser….”

“Nonsense,” Judith said sharply. She had sat quietly, playing with the coffee mug while he had talked, and now she impatiently pushed the mug away from her.

He patted her hand gently. “I’m touchier than I seem,” he said.

“What does your wife think?” Judith asked.

“That’s another thing. I haven’t told her yet.”

“Why not?” Judith looked surprised.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. We were surrounded by strangers. In someone else’s house. Then, at home, she sensed something and I…I didn’t know what I really felt myself and I dissembled. I’m
awful
at dissembling. And we had a little argument. Which,” he said, “I’m afraid will continue this evening. That’s neither here nor there,” he said, with false briskness. “It’ll blow over. What do
you
think?”