Break Away (32 page)

And that’s exactly what we did. As we sat under that tree next to Teddy’s grave, I told Liv all about my best friend. I told her about all the stupid shit we did when we were teenagers, and all the crafty ways we managed to stay out of trouble. And for the first time since he died, I actually smiled when I thought about him.

Before we left, I held up Teddy’s tags and looped the chain around my neck, tucking them under my shirt and letting them settle over my chest. The guilt was still there, as was the pain, but I didn’t think those feelings would ever completely go away. I could only hope that, like Teddy’s parents said, it would get easier over time. I still had a long way to go, but for the first time, I actually had hope.

***

In an attempt to try and make up for barging in on them a few nights before, Dex and I had agreed to watch Sadie so that Nate could take Amy out for dinner. It was sort of their first “official” date, and they were totally adorable. Amy spent over an hour getting ready, asking for my help to pick out what she was going to wear and how to do her hair. When Nate showed up, he was visibly nervous and had actually cleaned himself for the occasion. There were no oil stains on his hands or clothes, and he was wearing khakis and a dark sweater.

Dex and I watched them leave, feeling like proud parents who were sending their kids off to their first dance. It reminded me of my first date with Dex. Despite the fact that we’d been out together a million times before, that night was different because it marked the start of something bigger. It felt like so long ago, but it was really only a couple of months. It was odd to consider that we’d become so attached and so close to one another in such a short span of time. What I’d had with Steven felt like a junior high romance compared to what I had with Dex, and as much trust as I had in him and in our relationship, there was still a part of me that was terrified. My feelings for him left my heart vulnerable to getting broken, and that fear was the one thing that kept me from opening myself up to him the rest of the way. I’d lost so many people already and losing Dex wasn’t something I could survive.

“I like Nate,” Sadie announced while munching on her slice of cheese pizza. “He always plays with me, and Mommy is way happier when he’s around. Do you think he likes me, too?”

“Of course, he likes you, Sadie girl,” Dex said, tugging playfully on her pigtail. “You’re the most special little girl in the whole world.”

I think my heart exploded. Dex was constantly reminding me of his sweet and sensitive side that existed beneath the tough exterior. His demeanor had changed a lot over the last couple of weeks, and I was so proud of him for everything that he was doing to overcome his past. He seemed a lot less angry and lot more playful, which was another side of him that I loved. Of course, he still had the same intensity in the bedroom and definitely wasn’t shy about taking the lead between the sheets… which completely turned me on, by the way. Like the night before when he pressed me up against the…

My inappropriate sexual fantasy was interrupted when Sadie turned to me and asked, “Are you and Uncle Dee gonna get married?”

I choked on the water I was sipping, nearly spitting it across the table. I couldn’t hide the shocked expression on my face and I felt like a deer in headlights. “Uh…” I turned to Dex for help, but he just grinned back at me in amusement, showing none of the discomfort that I was currently feeling about this topic.

“Who wants an ice cream pop for desert?” Dex called out, successfully distracting Sadie and saving me from having to respond. Getting up from the table, he winked at me as he walked over to the freezer.

My phone rang while we were eating our popsicles, and I cringed when I glanced over and saw “PRIVATE” pop up on the screen. I hit the ignore button, not bothering to answer it since I knew that no one would be on the other end.

“Who was that?” Dex asked, noticing my reaction.

I forced a smile, not wanting him to worry. “Some heavy mouth breather who has the wrong number. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Are you sure?” He frowned, looking concerned. “If someone is bothering you, just tell me and I’ll take care of it.”

His offer was tempting, and I didn’t doubt that he would take care of any problem I had, but I still wasn’t sure if I actually had a problem or if I was just being paranoid. I didn’t want to add more to his plate when he was already dealing with so much. “I’m sure. It’s really no big deal,” I answered as nonchalantly as possible.

I knew he wasn’t convinced, but he let it go and we all went into the living room to watch a movie. Turning my phone off, I shoved it in my pocket so I wouldn’t have to worry about any more calls.

After falling asleep on the couch during the movie, I woke up in my bed with a hazy memory of Dex carrying me from Amy’s apartment when she returned home. I could hear the shower on in the bathroom, so I knew that he was still here. Stripping down to my underwear, I threw on one of Dex’s tee shirts before climbing under the covers and drifting back to sleep.

My eyes fluttered open when I felt a warm body pressing against my back and Dex’s strong arms wrapping around me. I automatically melted into him, snuggling into his touch with a contented sigh. He nestled his head in the curve of my neck, and I could feel his breath on my ear as he whispered, “I love you, Liv.”

My whole body immediately became tense, and I started to panic. I knew that I loved him, and I desperately wanted to say it back, but all of a sudden, I wasn’t ready. The words got stuck in my throat. I’d said those three words before, to Steven, but I’d never truly meant them. With Dex, it would mean everything. It would mean putting my heart in his hands and trusting him with it.

I attempted to steady my breathing, hoping that he would think I was still sleeping instead of realizing that I was a coward. After a few minutes, I heard his breaths even out, and I knew that he had fallen asleep. I opened my eyes, letting the tears that had welled up behind them slowly slide down my cheeks, and wondered what the hell was wrong with me.

This gorgeous, sweet, caring, beautiful man—who I loved—was lying next to me, telling me that he loved me, and I couldn’t even muster up the courage to say it back. I wanted to say those words. I wanted to look into Dex’s eyes, press my lips against his, and tell him that I loved him. But I couldn’t. Nothing in my life had ever been permanent, and I hated the part of me that still believed that nothing ever would be.

“So, exactly how long have you had a thing for my sister?” I asked Nate over beers at the garage. I still wasn’t particularly thrilled about the idea of him and Amy together, but I would probably feel that way no matter who it was—that’s the way brothers are. I had come to my senses, though, and I realized that there was no one else I trusted more than Nate to treat her right and take care of her. He was my best friend, and he was a great guy. Even if it did creep me out a little bit.

“I don’t know, man… a long time,” Nate laughed. “I had a thing for her in high school, but she was your sister, so she was off limits.”

“How the hell did I not know about this?”

“I didn’t want to risk a beating from you, so I hid it well,” he said. “Then you left for basic training so I didn’t see her that much, and that scumbag Duncan swooped in, got her pregnant and fucking left her.” He clenched his fists angrily at his sides, shaking his head. “God, I fucking hate that kid…”

“You and me both,” I agreed. “At least he got a little bit of what was coming to him when he broke his arm and lost that football scholarship.”

“You totally broke his arm, didn’t you?” Nate said with a grin. “I fucking knew it was you!”

I held up my hands defensively. “I’m not admitting to anything…”

“Hey, I’m not judging,” Nate said. “Do you remember his BMW that he loved so much?”

“Uh oh, what’d you do to it?”

“Rice in the radiator. Clogged the whole damn engine and destroyed it. I’d do it again in a second, too. After what he did to her, he got off easy.”

Seeing how protective Nate was of Amy made me feel better about leaving her in his hands, but it didn’t change the fact that I’d let her down in the first place. “I never should have let that pathetic asshole anywhere near her. I should have known he was no good.”

“Oh come on… there’s no way you could have known that Duncan would turn out to be such a prick. He had everyone fooled with his bullshit ‘golden boy’ act.”

“Yeah, but I’m her brother. It’s my job to watch out for her.”

“And you do. You always have,” Nate said. “You carry around the weight of the world on your shoulders, and if you keep holding yourself responsible for the bad things that happen to the people around you… one of these days it’s going to break you. Sometimes bad things happen. It’s a part of life and it’s not always anyone’s fault. You can’t change it, all you can do is move on.”

I’d been hearing that a lot lately – from Chase, Teddy’s parents, and now Nate. Fortunately, I was finally listening. “You know, that reminds me… I actually need to take a day off next week. There’s some business I need to take care of down near the base in Parris Island.”

“What kind of business do you have there?” he looked at me skeptically. “It’s not a fight, is it? I thought you promised Olivia you were done with that shit.”

I smiled, remembering how adorably nervous Olivia had been when she asked me if I was still going to fights. Knowing that she cared enough about me to worry made it an easy promise to make.

“No, not a fight,” I said. “I actually, uh… I visited one of the guys from my unit last week, and he told me that the counseling stuff really helped him out. He put me in touch with his therapist, who recommended I attend this group therapy session for veterans with PTSD. I figured I might as well give it a shot,” I shrugged, feeling a little embarrassed about the whole thing.

Nate looked a bit surprised but there was no judgment on his face. “Good for you, Dex. I think that’s really great. I won’t pretend to know anything about what you’re going through, but it makes sense that talking to people who
do
understand… who have been through some of the same things you have… would help. I’m proud of you, man. Seriously. It takes a lot of balls to do what you’re doing.”

“It’s something I probably should have done a long time ago,” I admitted. “Better late than never though, right?”

“Absolutely.” He shot me a coy grin. “This new attitude wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with a certain beautiful blonde, now would it?”