My heart was so full I was about to burst. I was overwhelmed, panting hard.
“Megan.” There was so much reverence in the way he said my name that I shivered. “Thank you. That felt so good.” I could feel him still pulsing in me.
“It did for me too.” My throat was tight, bogged down with all the words I wanted to say.
Don’t do it,
I warned myself. I wasn’t going to rush this. Our relationship was going so well, and one slipup could change everything. I needed this to stay stable, given all the shit happening with my mom.
Nick pulled out, cleaned up the condom, then discarded it. I hopped off the desk with a hushed giggle, and we donned our clothes again. I knew my hair was messy, my cheeks flushed, and I didn’t care in the least.
“You bit my shoulder hard,” he murmured. “Not that I’m complaining. It felt good. Just surprised me.”
“Well, it was a good one,” I retorted with a shrug.
His eyes turned serious. “You okay though? Really? I didn’t intend for us to have sex as a diversion to talking about what’s bothering you.”
“I didn’t believe you did.” I caressed his cheeks and let my feelings pour from my eyes. No, I couldn’t say it yet, but I couldn’t quite hide it either. “But feeling close to you really helped. I’m not quite so upset anymore.” I was surprised to realize it was true. The deep, dull ache was still there, but the immediate sting had faded away. I would talk to my dad about what happened; surely he’d have good advice on what we should do. But I wasn’t in this alone.
“Good.” He wrapped me in his arms and rested his cheek against my forehead. “It killed me to see you so sad.”
Eventually, I pulled out of his arms. “I should let you go back to work. After all, we’re going to be together all day tomorrow.”
A dimple popped out in his cheek. “I’m looking forward to it.”
I donned my coat and boots. Stood on my tiptoes and pressed another kiss to his mouth. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” I unlocked and opened his door, unable to fight back the tiny smile on my face.
My heart was light and free as I stepped into the hall. Then stopped and froze in horror.
Kelly was standing right in front of me, eyes growing wide as she took in my messy hair, flushed cheeks. The sex signs were right there, loud and clear. And given the shocked look on her face, she saw it all.
Chapter 18
I
gripped Kelly’s arm and pulled her away from the door, tugging it closed behind me. I could sense the storm coming and didn’t want Nick hearing it.
Shit, shit, shit.
My mind scrambled in desperation for the right words to say.
“Megan.” Her exhale was loud, disbelief and horror clear in her voice. “Please tell me I’m not seeing what I think I’m seeing.” She jerked her arm out of my grasp.
I bit my lower lip. My heart hammered so hard against my chest that I thought I might faint. “What are you doing here?”
“Don’t you remember? I told you earlier this week that I made an appointment with Dr. Muramoto to discuss our next assignment.” Her jaw was so tight, I could almost hear her teeth clenching. The disappointment in her eyes gutted me. “There is no Brett, is there?”
I took a few moments to drag in slow, steadying breaths. “Can we please go somewhere else to talk? I don’t want to do this here.”
Kelly gave me a stiff nod and followed me down the hall. I saw an empty classroom and walked in, flicking the light switch and closing the door behind us. We each took a seat at a desk. Her back was stiff and straight as she thunked her books on the desk surface.
My lungs were painfully tight. I gripped the end of the desk and said, “You can’t talk to anyone about what I’m going to tell you.”
She scoffed, a bitter sound, but I saw the flare of pain in her eyes. “Who would I tell? And why? I thought we were friends.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not personal, I promise. I just . . .” My eyes began to burn, and I tightened my clench on the desk edge. The agony about my mother rushed back and smothered me, mingled with the guilt over keeping secrets from my friends. Not to mention guilt at what I was about to confess to her, despite Nick warning me we had to keep quiet. “I’m in such a mess right now, and everything’s so confusing and mixed up.”
I heard her give a soft sigh but kept my attention on the fake wood pattern of the desk. “Megan,
what is going on?
”
I spilled the beans. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I told her about how Nick had been at the dance club that night. How I’d been drawn to him even though he’d tried to fight his feelings too. And the words kept coming out—I confessed about my mom’s problem. The fact that all of this had been eating away at me little by little until I’d gotten in a fight with her this afternoon and came here to see Nick.
“I’m in love with him,” I whispered past a tight throat. “I haven’t told him that yet because I know it’s crazy fast, but this feeling won’t go away. The intensity of what I have in my heart doesn’t care about the number of days, only about the quality of our time together. Every moment with him makes my heart happy.”
I lifted my chin and made myself face her. This wasn’t me—hiding my feelings, being afraid of them. I wasn’t ashamed of it, though I did feel bad for lying to everyone.
“No, there’s no Brett,” I confirmed. “There’s only me and Nick and this thing between us.”
“Why didn’t you just wait until school was over and you weren’t his student anymore?” She didn’t sound overly judgmental, though she was serious.
“Don’t you think I tried?” I gave a mirthless laugh. “But I couldn’t fight it. And I didn’t want to. Why should I wait, just because someone else has determined I’m not allowed to have feelings for him? That’s stupid.”
Kelly’s face grew tight, and she crossed her arms over her chest. “Did you ever think there’s a reason the school implemented those rules? It isn’t to punish you. It’s to keep you from being taken advantage of.”
“There’s no way in hell Nick would do that to me,” I retorted hotly.
“You’re basing this off knowing him for, what, a couple of months? Do you realize how that sounds?”
I stood. My blood was almost boiling in my veins. “I don’t need to justify anything I feel or do to you or any other damn person here. You wanted to know the truth, so I told you.” But now I wished I hadn’t.
Stupid, Megan!
I chided myself. What if she told someone on me? So much for my earlier bravado.
She held up her hands. “Whoa, wait. Okay, I’m sorry. My last comment was harsh, and I didn’t mean it to sound like that. But I’m just saying all of this because I care about you. Because I’m worried. You have a big heart, and I don’t want to see you hurt.” Her eyes grew hooded and she bit her lower lip, looked away from me. “I’ve been where you are. Well, not exactly, but close enough. And it went so wrong.” Those last words sounded like they’d been choked out of her.
I pushed aside my frustration and perched on the edge of the desk. “What do you mean?”
With halting words, Kelly said, “When I was in Chicago, I worked a part-time job while in school. My boss was an older man, married but unhappy with his wife. He and I grew close, started talking. Just friendship at first. But it became more.”
“Nick isn’t married,” I pointed out. “Nor is he in a relationship.”
She sighed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I know. Just bear with me here. I fell in love with the man—or thought I did. I was spending all of my free time with him. Dreaming about him. Wondering when he would leave his wife for me. But he kept saying we couldn’t be together immediately. That we needed to wait until the time was right. I trusted him, believed it would happen.”
A twist of uneasiness settled in my stomach. Nick and I had plans like that—that we could freely date once I wasn’t in school anymore. But that was different than this, wasn’t it?
“Eventually the man began to get controlling over my time. He’d get upset when I wasn’t available during his free time. He started stalking me, driving by my apartment to see if my car was there. He showed up outside of one of my classes too. I got freaked out and tried to break up with him, but he told me he wasn’t letting me go. That we were meant to be together.” Her hands were clenched so tightly in her lap that her knuckles were white. I could hear the shake in her voice. She blinked rapidly, like she was fighting off tears. “So after one particularly bad incident, I left—the campus, the guy, my whole life. Just moved out one day without telling him where I went.”
“Oh God, Kelly,” I breathed. I reached over and rested my hand on hers. “That’s so messed up. I’m sorry.”
She gave me a watery smile. Sniffled twice. “Thanks. Hey, at least I got out before it got worse, right?”
“Honey,” I started in a careful voice, “I’m proud of you for leaving him. That was totally the right call. But Nick isn’t like that. Not all men are controlling.”
She flipped her upper hand over and cupped my fingers in a chilly grip. “Older men have different expectations of girls who are younger than them. I just don’t want you to be surprised or get hurt.”
“I promise to be careful,” I said. “I’m going into this with my eyes wide open. I’m too stubborn to not protect my heart.” But even as I said it, I knew my heart was so far gone to him that there was no going back. I just had to hope everything would be okay with us. “Nick respects me, cares about me. He supports my goals.”
Her eyes still looked concerned, but she just bit her lip and nodded.
“I don’t expect you to be on board with it, and that’s okay. But you can still be my friend, can’t you?”
“Of course,” she gasped as she reached up and hugged me. “You’re my best friend, Megan. Because of your kindness and you welcoming me into your circle, I’ve made this place my home. Most of my friends back in Chicago have pretty much stopped talking to me since I no longer live there. Thank you.” Her last words were whispered.
I started crying and hugged her tighter. The raggedness in her voice broke my heart. “I’m here for you,” I promised. “I
never
abandon my friends.”
“I’m glad it was me outside the door and not someone else who’d seen it. Please . . . just be careful.” She pulled back and looked at me through tear-dotted lashes.
She was right. My desire to flee the pain of my mom’s anger had made me rush headfirst into something that could have turned out disastrous. Shame swirled in my gut. This wasn’t me—this girl who let her emotions run away with her. I had to get myself under control.
“I will, I promise. You be careful too.” I frowned. “So this guy has no idea where you are, right? You’re safe?”
“Haven’t heard a single word from him since I moved here,” she said. She straightened and sniffed again, seeming to pull herself together. “But if I do, I’ll call you and maybe we can break his kneecaps or something.”
“I know you’re joking about that, but I keep a baseball bat under my bed,” I said.
Her jaw dropped and she barked out a laugh.
“What?” I gave a casual shrug, glad to have the conversation turned to safer ground. “A girl has to be careful. I’m ready to beat the shit outta anyone who tries to mess with me.”
Kelly gave me the first genuine smile I’d seen on her face since we’d run into each other in the hallway. “You know what? Somehow I have a feeling I shouldn’t be worrying about your heart. You can take care of yourself, can’t you, Megan?”
“Damn straight I can,” I declared with a bold grin I wasn’t quite feeling yet. “Let’s get a beer somewhere tonight. I could use a drink.”
“How do you feel about pistachios?” Nick asked me as he drove a little too fast for my comfort through downtown Detroit on Saturday evening. He hadn’t been lying about being a speed demon, but he was careful and drove safely. We’d spent the day driving around the downtown area, taking pictures, visiting the local art museum, browsing in shops, even enjoying lunch at a brewery. Now I was stuffed and happy. It had been a great day, one I’d desperately needed with him. Being away from campus, away from the drama around my mom, had relieved a good portion of stress, even if just for a while. Here, I could pretend we were a regular couple. And it felt so good to sink into that fantasy.
“Here’s where I insert a bad pun about being nutty over them,” I replied drolly.
He took a quick glance at me. “And here’s where I insert an insertion joke,” he said with a bold wink.
I slugged his upper arm, and he laughed. “You’re a dog,” I said. “So what’s the deal with pistachios?”
He turned the car right. “There’s a small shop nearby that sells the best I’ve ever had. They have other stuff too. We’ll swing by there before leaving for home, because I need to buy more.”
“You’re driving,” I said. “So let’s go.”
A few minutes later we pulled into a spot on the street. We got out of the car and headed into the brick building on the corner. Nick made a beeline for the pistachios section, and I followed him, chuckling under my breath.
“But why
pistachios?
” I pressed him. “What makes them so special out of all the food in the world?”
He grabbed two huge bags of them and turned to me. “My dad and I would sneak and eat them all the time when I was a kid. We knew that if Mom busted us, we’d be in trouble for ruining our appetites.” His cheeks curved with his goofy grin, and he gave a casual shrug. “I know that sounds silly, but it was our secret. We still buy bags for each other for birthdays. Mom has no idea why opening those gifts makes us laugh so hard.”
“That’s sweet,” I said as I stepped closer and kissed his lips.
I envied the easy relationship he had with his folks. Could mine be repaired again with my mom? Even my communication with Dad was strained at this point, after a few terse text messages exchanged yesterday evening. I loathed feeling like this, because we were normally a close-knit family. We’d never had issues like this before. It was eating away at me, little by little, minute by minute. Lurking in the back of my mind, never quite letting me fully escape into the happiness of today.
“So have you heard from your mom?” he asked me, his eyes flooded with concern. He must have seen something in my face.
I shook my head, determined to not let on that my heart still bore a sharp ache from yesterday’s argument with her. “Nope, but that’s okay. I think we both need time to cool off.” Last night, while talking with Kelly at a local bar, I’d decided I was going to give her a few days and then reach out to her.
She was my mom. Yeah, she was pissed, but I believed she loved me. I just needed to reach that part of her heart, the part not angry . . . or shut off by the medication. It was still there, even if buried.
All I could do was hope she’d talk to me soon and not hold on to this grudge.
“I think you’re probably right,” he said as he nodded. He shifted the bags to the crook of one arm and took my hand with the other, and we walked toward the chocolate-covered nuts area. “So . . . would you like to meet my parents when the semester is over? Maybe for dinner?”
The air froze in my lungs. Here it was, Nick telling me he wanted to keep this going. Like a real relationship. I swallowed and said, “I’d love to. Yes.”
Nick gave me a shy smile. “I think they’ll like you.” He squeezed my hand, and I found my pulse surging from the now-familiar warmth in his strong fingers. He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed each knuckle. “I’ve wanted to tell them about you, you know. But I want to keep my promise to you, that I’ll keep quiet until we can be out in the open. Though it’s been hard at times, I admit.”
My heart shrank a bit in a flare of guilt. I’d already blabbed to Kelly, but she’d sworn to not tell anyone. I had to trust her on that.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, eyes narrowing.
I slapped a smile on my face. “Oh. Nothing. I’m just looking forward to the semester being over.”
He gave me an easy grin. “Me too. Okay, let’s pick out some snacks for the ride home.” We found chocolate-covered peanuts and grabbed those too, then Nick purchased the goods and we settled back in the car.
I fought so hard to ignore that thud of shame in my heart. I’d told our secret, whereas he’d kept it. Would he be mad if he found out? Should I be honest with him? Or would it just create unnecessary drama? I wrestled with the dilemma for a full minute.