Breakdown (31 page)

Being a good bloke over the last few months, I’d earned the privilege to sleep in a decent room, my phone—bootlaces to my trainers, and even windows without bars. Christ, I’d have brought out the champagne, until Craig had told me that alcohol was still a definite no. Double bastard. The drunk feeling over the meds had gone, more than suggesting my system was settling, and Halliday’s VR programme had seen that Jan was on once a week visits, with daily calls. Talk always seemed to come back to Gray on Jan’s part, but quiet was all that I could manage on mine.

I’d fucked up badly. Gray needed permanent space now. I respected that. I had to.

Jan had left it alone eventually, his quiet over Gray a concern, one that had me watching him closely.

Yeah, he’d fallen hard, for both of us, and he was missing Gray too. I didn’t ask whether he’d been in contact with Gray at all, I didn’t need to really. Jan was going nowhere, and that need to clamber over the psych wall and get to him, show him how much I loved the bones off him for it, it left me with the same old issues I faced this morning.

“Fuck.” Twisting my head into the pillow, I screwed my eyes shut and cupped my cock through the silk of my PJs.

I hadn’t done touch, not even on myself for five months, not since Martin had slept with those Doms, and I couldn’t fucking remember that. It left one ball-busting need to ease the ache between my thighs, but fearing the fuck out of what would happen if I did left me shaking and curled up.

Hating how badly it left me shaking, I eased out of bed and headed on through to the shower. Coldness helped, it was the only thing to help, and I dipped my head, letting the coldness run over the back of my neck and shoulders, down to my ass, but mostly onto my cock and hopefully cool the need to screw something.

“Fuck.” Head resting against the wall, I closed my eyes. I denied Gray’s ghost, somehow didn’t feel right touching even that, but Jan’s was there, just gliding over my neck, hand brushing hip. “Focusing, not focusing me, Ja—”

“Jack seen Joe’s teeth?”

“
No
!” Hands went to groin, body crumpling in, and the flush of blush hitting my body almost steamed the water hot as I added a very pathetic yelp. “
Teeth, Jack’s not got Joe’s godd
—”

“Ohhhh-kay,” said Craig, coming in and steering Joe out of the bathroom, but not before Joe cast a look at my rinse cup stood on the sink. “Say sorry, Joe,” said Craig, rolling his eyes, then shaking his head at me. “You know you’re not supposed to come into bathrooms.”

“But it’s where Joe’s teeth go. Or where Joe sometimes puts them.”

“Joe—” Fuck off. “—
please
,” I cried out, only to have Craig chuckle.

“Out in five, you big girl,” he called through to me, and I grimaced, snapping, “Out in fucking one.”

I never dried and dressed so quickly. Clothes were already set out, cologne too, and I dressed in record time.

“Ready to go, huh?” said Craig as I padded on through. He’d pulled the case onto the bed and was checking I hadn’t left anything behind.

“You handled the
get my ass out of here now
paperwork since I handed that
do you promise to be a good bloke and not commit suicide
questionnaire back?”

Craig grinned over. “Christ, yes. C’mon. Please—fuck off—go home now. I meant go home.”

“Course you did.” I fought for the case, not happy with him going gent on me and offering to carry it. “I think I can manage my own sodding case.”

“Just making sure you—”

“Fuck off.”

“—leave. I was going to say leave,” he said, managing a very deliberate smile. “What the hell have you got in here?”

“A few keepsakes: your morning paper, few bottles of the antiseptic soap to tide me over a few—”

“Minutes.”

“—hours.” I finished, giving him a grin as he made it to reception. “Everything except the kitchen sink and Joe’s teeth.”

Craig chuckled. “He’s been through it and checked already, has he?” I couldn’t mouth a reply to that as life suddenly eased seeing who stood by the exit talking to Halliday.

“Jan.” Not an acknowledgement, just a breath of his name. Hands dug in pockets, he glanced away from Halliday and again seemed to go still. Ill, he looked so fucking ill and pale. Not giving him the chance to say anything, I went over and pulled him into a hug.

“How you doing, gorgeous?” I mumbled, nuzzling into his throat and giving the length a kiss. It was hot out; I could taste it on the perspiration dampening his neck. Summer was ebbing away, but autumn came with a damn good kick and mid-morning heat, by the taste of it. Yeah, the land of Jan. So goddamn good. And I’d got my all-access pass back now.

“Fucking peachy now, baby,” he breathed into me, and the dopiest grin spread across my lips, then I took another deep sigh. “You changed your cologne.”

Pulling back, there was the saddest smile there that touched Jan’s pale lips. “Changed it months ago, Jack, you just... you never....” He shrugged, and I looked at Halliday.

“You couldn’t have told me?”

“You needed to see that for yourself, Jack,” said Halliday. “Telling you—”

“Yeah, yeah, psycho psych shit.” Giving a long,
should have seen it sooner
sigh, I looked back at Jan, eased a hand through his hair, kissed him gently, winked, then looked down at the bag he held. “You get those things I asked for?”

He handed them over and I passed them to Craig.

“Aw, you shouldn’t have, mate,” he said, peering in. “Morning paper, by any chance?” asked Craig, looking hopeful. “Y’know, being as you couldn’t keep your thieving little hands off my stuff.”

“Jack,” said Jan, eyes a little wide.

“OCD,” I said, holding my hands up, “he left them around, I tidied them up.”

“Bollocks,” coughed Craig, even going for the hand covering his mouth there.

“Prezzies,” I said, pointing at the bag. Craig pulled out a set of red teeth and twisted the pin to make them chatter. “A whole bag full,” I added. “Sanity for you and your staff; peace of fucking mind for the local nutcases who are trying to have a shower in peace.”

Halliday chuckled but Craig actually looked a little grateful.

“Also a little something in there for Sal.”

A frown, Craig pulled out a package. “A book? Jack, you bought a... book.” He looked at Halliday. “Should I get the really big sedative for him? Just in case the delayed screaming and headless chicken runabout kicks in?”

“Hey, no screaming. My cries are fucking manly. Asshole,” I mumbled, but Jan was sneaking in close with that and chuckling now, and that was good to see. “It’s a classic,” I said, tapping at it. “Well, Jan tells me it is. Tell her to take care, okay.”

“Course I will.” And Craig gave a wink before heading off.

“Last one in there is for you,” Jan called over. Glancing back, Craig searched through the bag. “Hah,” he called back over, holding up a slip of paper. “Newspaper subscription? Jack, you shouldn’t have, you ass.”

“I didn’t,” I shouted over.

“Jan?” he said.

I scowled at Jan.

“Thank you, Jan,” said Craig.

“You’re welcome,” shouted Jan back, chuckling, but keeping his gaze on mine.

“He told you, didn’t he?” I said, poking him. “And there was you acting all wide-eyed and innocent, like, with mention of my thieving little hands. Y’know you do my hard-ass image no fucking good at all.”

“Oh yeah,” said Jan, eyeing me up. “Pinching the morning paper, really hard-ass, there, Jack. Paperboy better watch out. ”

“S’why you love me,” I said, then looked at Halliday. “Thank you,” I said quietly. “No gifts, nothing else, just thanks. Again.”

“No offer of a hand shake?” Halliday smiled. “Says enough, Jack. Now go away and you two only come back for those weekly appointments.”

That confirmed it without looking at Jan. They’d been there for him too. The blush heating my cheeks wasn’t exactly intentional. Then as Halliday pulled something out of his pocket, I dug my hands in mine and looked away as Jan took it off him.

“Slow and easy as we discussed,” said Halliday. I glanced back in time to see Jan tuck the photo of Gray in his back pocket. Still couldn’t pick it up, still couldn’t look. “He asks, or looks as if he’s searching to go casual, give it to him,” added Halliday.

It had surprised the hell out of me, how Halliday had signed the discharge papers knowing I still couldn’t go casual. That had been the one stipulation for leaving, but time... everything needed time. “Well I’m not gonna miss this
talking as though I can’t hear you
shit,” I said picking up my case, “and on that
get me the fuck out of here
, note.” I looked at Jan. “Home, James.”

“I’m Jan,” he said his eyes lighting up for a moment. “James will have to walk.”

Fuck, I’d said that to him the night he’d met me at my dojo nearly a year ago. I loved how the bastard remembered these things.

“Last assignment, Jack,” said Halliday, and I looked at him. “Did you think about the question I asked when I first saw you?”

Question?

“Surrounding the quote from Hamlet. ‘God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another.’ I asked, looking back at your life, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done, the one face you’d hide if you could.”

None. I could answer that now, only not in front of Jan, maybe not even in front of Halliday. But maybe that was the whole point to this: admitting it verbally, acknowledging all the faults and fuck-ups that I’d done, no matter who was in control at the time. Nothing should be forgotten, nothing hidden, no matter how brutal and ugly.

“Yeah, point taken,” I said quietly, but that needed to be enough for now.

“Home,” mumbled Jan, and I found hands sneak around my waist from behind. We stood in a living room that couldn’t have been more farther than home. Coming out of the psych unit was bad enough, leaving me with that
what th’hell do I do
now bollocks, but this?

Jan had sorted all the legal shit out, bringing the papers in to sign at the unit, and he’d started the process of selling up my house. By rights I wasn’t supposed to sign anything back there, but my argument had been that I had nowhere to go that didn’t want to screw with my head. We’d both talked about moving in together, then accepted that was too much for both of us. The love was there, it always had been, but Jan needed his own space, his own time to heal, Christ knows I knew that better than anyone, so it left only one option.

Although it meant placing so much shit on Jan’s shoulders, he’d agreed to act on my legal behalf and sell my home. What Vince had done, it had happened miles away, in a warehouse just made to look like home, but it left a stink behind on everything that was mine. A few triggers I could cope with, but a whole fucked-up home-full? And there was Jan to consider. He shouldn’t have to face daily reminders. What went in our heads was enough.

“Too much to look forward to, annihilate the bad, even if it meant selling up,” mumbled Jan from behind me, and I let my hands rest on his.

He’d opted for an apartment, making sure it was at the top of whatever building he could find. Locked doors, security... fuck, I’d even caught sight of a black Mercedes Benz following us from the psych unit and rolling to rest on the main road. That had hurt, and I’d kept my head down. Gray was still there, somewhere, maybe just a ghost in the machine, but one that still protected what was his, or offered to at least, even after what I’d done. Jan hadn’t said anything about the black Merc, but he’d known they were there, mostly because he gave a nod in their direction. The driver had given one back and there seemed a familiarity there. Yeah, Gray had made sure Jan was looked after too. Somewhere along the line, they’d both fallen hard for each other, and I’d fucked that up.

“This place okay?” mumbled Jan, head resting on my shoulder. “I know it’s going to take a long time for you to feel your way around, get used to it, Jack. But I’m here to help, okay?”

It was Jan’s taste, classic design, with white marble units and sink, so
no engine parts on the kitchen table, or else
was the call around here. Yet everything was in its place: saucepans hung in order, mats and coasters on the table angled to perfect degrees, and yeah, every room had some antibacterial hand wash on offer. In the living room, no fancy artwork lined the walls, just two canvas prints that showed engine parts. The touch couldn’t have been more personal: something of Jan, something of me. Us.

“Yeah.” Easing around, I snaked my arms around his neck. “You’re here.” The kiss that came was just lip on lip, but seemed to last a lifetime. “Thank you for being here and always coming after me,” I mumbled. My gaze stayed levelled on his as I backed him up against the wall, hands tracing from neck, down to shirt, undoing a first button. He deserved to be held. He needed to be held. Everything about him said he’d missed being held. I knew how he felt.

He met me halfway, kissing hard, tongues fighting. It wasn’t for dominance, and no echoes of submission came from either side, it was just a taste of what had been missed, of knowing we’d both been missing in more than just action for a while.

But Jan pulled away, looking off into the distance, and the shaking in his body was enough to make me back off, this time just gently kissing at his throat as he shivered under touch.