Authors: Donna Shelton
I shake my head without hesitating. How dare he make me choose him over my best friend?
‘You know I can’t do that.’
He takes a breath and makes an effort to compose himself.
‘I can’t pretend that I didn’t read about Perry’s feelings for me. I feel dirty. I can’t act like nothing is wrong.’
‘You would never have known if you hadn’t been snooping in my room last night.’
‘It doesn’t change the facts,’ he spits back. ‘I am uncomfortable even being in
the same school with him now. How do you think the rest of the guys in gym class will feel when they find out that there’s a fag in the shower with them checking them out?’
In a panic I grab the sleeve of his jacket and with a voice that’s both threatening and desperate I say, ‘You can’t tell anyone about this. You will destroy him.’
He jerks his arm out of my grasp. ‘
His
best interests are not
my
best interests. We don’t need someone like that in school. What if he tries to turn other guys gay?’
All my dreams seem to shatter right here and now as I realise that Brian is an idiot. How can Perry ‘turn’ people gay? Does he think Perry is some kind of vampire-creature? I can’t believe my ears. I am furious.
‘Perry was my friend before you came along and he will continue to be my friend after you’ve gone.’ My jaw is locked so tight, it starts to hurt. ‘If you spread this around the school, you will destroy him and he doesn’t deserve that.’ Then without giving
him a chance to respond, I turn and walk away. He doesn’t try to stop me.
Later I think that maybe I shouldn’t have been so aggressive; I might have been more effective in persuading Brian to keep Perry’s secret. Too late to change that now.
All day, Perry avoids me while I avoid Brian and just about everyone else in Brian’s crowd. It is a long day. When the time comes to board the bus, I sit alone. Perry must have chosen to walk home. The entire ride, I continue to ignore Brian and everyone else. I just want to get home.
I wake up the next morning hoping the past events were just some horrible nightmare and that I still have my handsome boyfriend and my best friend. I follow my usual morning routine, get dressed, brush my teeth and hair and go down to breakfast. Everything seems normal.
When I get on the bus, Perry is not there. I sit alone in my usual seat as the bus continues to pick up its students. When it comes to Brian’s house, he boards the bus and walks down the aisle. He hesitates and then slips in beside me. As the bus jolts forward, Brian leans in to me and speaks in a low voice.
‘I’m sorry for freaking out on you and for the ultimatum,’ he says. ‘I want to be with you Dawn. If you’re happy, I’m happy.’
This catches me so off-guard, I just stare at him like a dumb-ass. When finally I speak, I have only one concern. ‘Did you tell anybody?’
He shakes his head. ‘No.’
A wave of relief washes over me. Now if only I can find Perry and let him know. I’m sure he’s playing hooky because he thinks his secret will be all over the school by today. I need to find him, to tell him that everything’s okay.
‘Where is Perry, anyway?’ Brian asks, looking up and down the bus.
‘I don’t know.’
What I do know is that I need to get off this bus and find Perry.
When the bus drops us off at school, Brian wants to come with me, but I tell him
that it wouldn’t be a good idea. Instead, I have him take my bag and put it in his locker for me. I make my way off the school grounds without being noticed by any of the school staff and over to the city bus stop a few blocks away. The city bus takes me across town, where I get off at a stop about ten blocks from Perry’s house. I shove my hands in the pockets of my parka and walk along snow-covered pavements. At least the wind isn’t blowing bitterly today.
I make it to Perry’s house safely enough and knock on his door. There is no answer. I knock again, this time even harder. I see the blinds shift and wait impatiently at the door.
‘Come on, Perry!’ I am cold and I’m not above begging. ‘I know you’re home!’ I knock again, even harder. ‘Come on, I’m cold, let me in!’
The metal locks click and snap and the door is pulled open an inch. I push it wide and step inside. Perry is walking back towards the sofa, still in his pyjamas.
I close the door behind me and go over to the sofa to sit with him. There is a
half-empty
bottle of whisky on the coffee table with a shot glass sitting next to it. I can’t tell if it is left over from his mom or if Perry is drinking this early in the morning. He definitely looks like hell.
‘I talked to Brian this morning,’ I start to say, watching him roll his eyes to the heavens. ‘He’s not mad any more and he didn’t tell anyone.’
Perry just smirks. ‘That’s the least of my concerns right now.’
Now I am confused and very concerned. I’ve never seen him so troubled before.
‘My mom is getting married again.’ He looks over at me. ‘To some asshole she met in the pub.’
‘I didn’t know she was dating anyone.’
‘She’s been off and on with him for almost two months.’
Perry is looking around at everything except me.
‘Last time I saw him, he slapped me right in front of her and she didn’t say a word.’
I can’t believe it. Why hasn’t he told me this before? I thought I knew everyone and everything in his life. Why didn’t I know this? Then almost like he’s reading my mind, he turns to me with a sickened look on his face.
‘You didn’t know because you were busy hanging out with Brian and his crowd. It’s been going on since then. That’s why I’ve been so moody.’
Now I’m feeling guilty. I’ve been wrapped up in my own world, and I just didn’t see it when my friend needed me most. That just isn’t like me, and I hate myself for it.
‘Do you want to stay with us?’ I ask. This is a topic we’ve talked about before, but only as a ‘what if’ scenario. This time I am serious.
‘I don’t know, Dawn.’ Perry seems to be too weary to think about anything at all. ‘We would have to talk with your mom and dad first.’
‘Perry, they see you as a son.’
I know
my
parents won’t have a problem with Perry moving in. I just don’t know if his mom would actually let him go. ‘My mom and dad think the world of you.’
‘I know.’ Perry stares fixated at the whisky bottle. ‘I need to think about this first.’
‘Do you want me to talk to them?’
‘No.’ He looks back to me, his eyes bloodshot. ‘Not yet.’
I heave a sigh and sit back, reclining into the sofa. I won’t say anything to my parents until he wants me to. I don’t want to give him another reason to be mad at me by opening my mouth when he’s asked me not to. He reclines back into the soft cushions of
the sofa too, and somehow our heads roll in together until they’re touching.
‘How about if I just hang out with you today?’ I say as I feel his hair mingling with mine.
‘Yeah. I like that idea.’
We won’t be going to school.
On Valentine’s Day, Brian and I are having lunch together at school and at some point during our conversation, Brian tells me that Perry has been ditching gym class all week. I think that this is odd because Perry has never mentioned it when we’ve been together. Come to think of it, he doesn’t talk to me about much either at school or on the bus. Normally he would make comments about gym class or the boys in the shower or how Brian now showers with a towel wrapped around his waist. That’s always amused him, especially as the other boys tease Brian about his insecurity.
On the way home I ask Perry how gym is going and he suddenly goes quiet.
‘Brian told you, didn’t he?’
‘He said you haven’t been there all week.’
I wait patiently for him to respond. He is hesitant, and maybe a bit irritated, staring out of the window, but not really seeing what is out there. After a few minutes I realise that he isn’t going to answer me. ‘Why can’t you talk to me?’
Suddenly he swings his head around. His face is flushed and his eyes flash with rage.
‘Back off Dawn!’ He screams for the whole bus to hear. ‘You haven’t given a shit about me since you’ve been seeing Brian. You blow me out and ignore me just to be with your new friends. You have no idea what’s been going on with me, so just back off.’
I jump back in shock. Where has this come from? This isn’t like Perry. I’m shocked
and before I’ve thought about what I’m saying, I’m shooting right back at him.
‘I’m tired of you getting at my friends. You don’t want anything to do with them. I can’t even talk about them around you. Are you just jealous, is that it?’
‘Don’t flatter yourself, it isn’t jealousy.’ His eyes are lined with tears of frustration. ‘Do you think those people would have given you the time of day if you weren’t involved with Brian?’
‘Don’t even pretend you hate Brian,’ I say through grinding teeth, ‘when we both know you’re ticked off because Brian’s doing me and not you.’
The entire bus falls silent. Perry’s face goes pale. Even through my anger, I know that I’ve screwed up; I shouldn’t have said that. Not here, not with Brian just three seats behind us, not on a bus full of kids that we have to see everyday.
Then, out of the silence, Gary stands up
and pointing to Perry, he shouts, ‘I knew it! You
were
checking out his ass!’
Brian grabs Gary and pulls him back down into his seat as the whispers and giggles and comments start to rise. At the next stop, Perry grabs his bag and climbs over me to make a run for the door. I sit back trying to absorb all that is happening, hearing ‘gross’ and ‘fag’ comments from the other kids; some of them are supposed to be my friends – from Brian’s crowd. I look back at Brian, who shoots me a dirty look before turning back to Gary. I can’t hear what he is saying, but I think that Gary is teasing Brian about the time he caught Perry checking out Brian’s ass.
God, what have I done?
Brian has got off the bus at his stop, and he hasn’t spoken a word to me. It feels like the bus driver is taking an age getting to my house. When we do get there, I just can’t seem to get off the bus fast enough and as I step down onto the pavement, my foot hits a thin sheet of ice. Next thing I
know, I’m flying forward, my bag leaving my hand, and I hit the ground with a thud. From behind me I hear a roar of laughter as I push myself up off my belly, then to my knees. I wait here, embarrassed, as the bus pulls away, taking the mocking laughter with it. My hands ache from the fall and the clumsy attempt to catch myself, and the ice at my knees is beginning to melt through the fabric of my trousers. I can’t help feeling that I deserve it.
At home I go straight up to my room. Dad is still at work and Mom is in some room vacuuming. I just want to hide a while.
I change out of my wet trousers and into some baggy jogging pants. In my mind I go over the fight with Perry. I just don’t have the energy to do anything more than that.
Sitting on my bed, I look out of the window where the world is covered in a blanket of white glistening snow. The sky is grey and murky with the promise of more snow. This winter seems to be lasting
forever. Why does time seem to drag so much when it’s cold outside?
As I go to lie down on my bed, I see Perry’s manuscript on my desk. I never have got around to reading the whole thing. And although I really don’t feel like reading right now, or doing much of anything for that matter, I take it off my desk and sit down with it anyway. I have to do something to pass the time.
I end up falling asleep before I can finish the manuscript. But I make a point of finishing it over breakfast. It is actually a good read. I bet he could get it published if he tried. I know about a lot of the things he writes about, but there is some stuff he writes about that surprises me. I realise that I don’t know him as well as I thought I did.
I put the manuscript in my bag, with every intention of talking to Perry and working things out. I need to try to fix everything and attempt to get our friendship back to normal.
I stand by the window by the front door looking out for the bus. The snow is coming down in thick flakes, with almost two inches on the ground adding to the four inches that still lies from the previous fall. The bus is running late and I am secretly hoping that school will be cancelled. This would be a good ‘snow day’. Then just as I start getting my hopes up, ready to pull off my coat, the bus appears, slowly making its way to my house.
I mush through the snow on the pavement, being extra careful of the tricky patch of ice that caught me before, and make sure I have a firm grip on the handrail going up the steps. I don’t want to look stupid again.
I’m not surprised when Perry isn’t on the school bus. I want to think that maybe he’s stayed home because of the snow. Or his mom gave him a ride to school. And although his mom has never given him a ride to school in the past, I remain hopeful. There is a first time for everything.
My mind is racing. Surely the entire school can’t know what happened on the bus yesterday afternoon? There hasn’t been enough time, I tell myself.
I sit alone in our usual seat. A couple of my so-called friends ask where Perry is and some make ignorant comments. I ignore them at first, but enough is enough and I tell them to shut up because they don’t know what they’re talking about.
When Brian gets on the bus, he walks right past me without even acknowledging me. That stings, but I have more important issues to concern me.
I make sure I’m the first off the bus so that I can get to our locker and see if Perry’s been there. Digging through my bag, I am looking for the small piece of scrap paper with the locker combination written on it. I can never remember those numbers. Finally I find it and open the lock. Perry’s leather bomber jacket isn’t hanging there, so I guess he hasn’t come in to school today. I linger at the locker for a while, taking my
time, struggling out of my heavy parka and selecting books and other stuff. I’m hoping there’s a chance that I might catch him before first class. But that doesn’t happen.
Halfway through the day it’s obvious that Perry just isn’t coming to school. By lunch time, I bag up my locker and grab my parka. I just can’t finish the day. I dodge the school staff and head outside and off school grounds to take the city bus that will get me within walking distance of Perry’s house.
At the end of the line, I step off the city bus into the fresh snow, knowing what a fretful trek this is going to be. The
once-shovelled
pavements are now covered in snow, making the walk difficult, especially once my socks start getting wet from the melting snow falling into my shoes. I should have worn my boots. At least dry socks would have made the walk a little more bearable.
By the time I reach Perry’s house, his mom is pulling out of the driveway, probably going to the cafe where she works as a
waitress. I slow my pace. I don’t want her to see me. As she drives off in the opposite direction, I go on up to the house.
I knock on the door, hard enough to hurt my knuckles through my gloves. I wait and watch the drawn blinds for any movement. Perry always looks out of the window to see who’s knocking before he answers the door. When there is no answer, I knock again, even harder.
‘Perry!’ I call out to him, hopefully loud enough for him to hear me. ‘Come on Perry, we need to talk.’
For a moment I think that maybe he isn’t home, but if he isn’t in school, then where else will he be on a crappy day like this? He has to be in there.
‘Please let me in. I’m sorry. None of this should have happened. We need to talk.’
I stand around for a good 20 minutes knocking and talking to the door. There is no answer. Maybe he went to school late
and I just didn’t see him. It is possible. I guess I’ll just have to head back to school and find out.
I trudge back to the bus stop. My previous footprints are already filling with new snow. I make it to the corner where the bus will stop to pick me up, and clear a spot on the bench to wait. This is just a lousy day.
I make it back to school in time for the last class of the day. Walking through the school in wet socks is torture. I stop by my locker to find a book and head off to maths. Brian is already sitting next to Gary at the far side of the room and as always I get stuck next to Carla. I sit down and open my book, trying to look busy so that she will leave me alone.
‘Is it true?’
I look up and Carla is leaning over towards me. Her eyes are all wide and curious and she is fighting back a grin.
‘Is what true?’
‘That Perry’s gay?’
I want to slap her around the head with my heavy maths book, but instead I just sigh. ‘What have you heard?’
‘The rumour is that Perry has a secret crush on Brian and half the soccer team.’ Carla is enjoying this. ‘Is it true that the only reason Perry is taking gym is to check out all the guys in the shower? I hear Perry is always the last one out of the shower.’
I drop my head into my hands. This is a school with over 400 students and nasty rumours get around fast. Especially once they’ve been embellished to make them even more hurtful.
‘Carla,’ I look her dead in the eye. ‘Are you really going to believe everything you hear?’
She pulls her head back and drops her grin, appearing somewhat disappointed.
‘But everyone’s talking about it.’ She looks more confused than usual. ‘What about Perry hiding in the toilet cubicle with a picture of Brian, doing… you know?’
‘No, Carla, I don’t know.’ What an idiot. ‘Just who happens to be your source of information anyway?’
‘Gary told Terri and she told the cheerleaders. I just happened to be in the locker room when she was telling them.’
I don’t think I have ever been so disgusted with people. I have half a mind to walk out of class right now, but my socks are still wet and I would rather ride home on a warm bus rather than walk home in the cold.
During class I try to concentrate on my maths, thinking it will make the hour pass faster. I so want to get out of here and away from these people. I can’t concentrate much, and when the hour is finally over, I hurry to my locker, grab what I need and am one of the first to get on the bus.
When I get home, the first thing I do is change into dry socks. Comfortable once more, I use the phone in the kitchen to call Perry’s house. I get his answering machine, and I leave a long message, begging him to call me. I wait by the phone until dinner, trying to hide my distress, but Mom seems to have a sixth sense. I guess moms do.
‘Are you and Perry fighting?’ Mom asks me as the three of us sit down for dinner after Dad gets home from work.
I shrug, poking at my spaghetti with my fork, not sure if I want to eat it or play with it. ‘I have everyone mad at me lately.’
‘Are you still seeing Brian?’ Dad asks.
I’m sure he’s hoping I will say that we’ve broken up. But to be honest, I don’t know if we are still together or not. I don’t know if Brian is just angry because I embarrassed him with that outburst on the bus. Am I supposed to assume that because he’s ignoring me, we’re breaking up? I’ve been too afraid to call him to find out what’s
going on. Maybe we all just need some time to ourselves.
‘I don’t know how to answer that one, Dad.’ It’s all I can say.
For the rest of the week and all through the weekend, there is no word from Perry. He doesn’t come to school, he won’t answer his door. I’ve been to his house five times – and he won’t return my two-dozen phone calls. Brian and all of my so-called new friends ignore me when they aren’t making fun of Perry to my face. I am so frustrated and depressed. I don’t think I have ever felt so alone.
It’s Monday and I am now so miserable that I don’t think I can make it through another day. I sit alone on the bus, ignored by Brian and his friends. When I get to my locker, I dig out the scrap paper with the combination number that I can never remember and open the door. Perry’s leather bomber jacket is hanging on the hook. I feel my heart skip a beat. Perry is here.
I turn to look down both ends of the hallway and through the mass of kids scurrying about. I can’t spot Perry. I shove my parka into the locker and grab the books I need and hurry off to my first class. Perry will be in that class.
I walk through the hall and down a set of stairs, mentally sorting out all the things that I am going to say and what order I will say them in. I think about what Perry might say and how he might respond to me. I have it all playing in my head. Everything is going to be alright.
As I walk towards my classroom, a swarm of kids comes flying down the hall. I have to throw myself up against the wall to avoid being knocked over. Strangely, they all seem to be running in the same direction, down the hall and towards the gym. I can’t imagine what’s going on. I don’t care. I’m still thinking about seeing Perry. At least if everyone else is distracted, Perry and I will be able to have some time alone to talk before class starts. But from somewhere I can hear a noise.
Voices. Dozens of voices, chanting, cheering, jeering. Something is going on.
I start walking in the direction the voices are coming from. My pace quickens as I make out some of what is being said.
‘Fight! Fight! Fight!’
I drop my bag to the floor to sprint down the hall, towards the crowd, towards the noise. I slam hard up against the wall of bodies and push my way through to the front. It’s a struggle of elbows and shoving and cursing, but I get there.
I see a flurry of orange and white jackets – school soccer team jackets – punching, kicking, spitting, taunting. It’s Perry in the middle of it all. I jump forward and grab at sleeves, screaming for them to stop. One by one, I recognise each individual. I pull at them, screaming their names, pleading with them to leave Perry alone. One by one, they fall back and disappear into the crowd.
I drop to my knees, my hands hovering over the bruised and bleeding shell of my friend. I want to touch him, to comfort him. I waver, looking over his shaking body, hearing his muffled sobs. He’s lying on the cold, hard floor in the foetal position, knees constricting into his stomach, arms protecting his face. Out of fury, I look back at the dispersing crowd and scream at them.
‘Get some help!’
Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone fighting their way through the crowd. At the sight of the orange and white jacket I start to panic, thinking that the soccer team is coming back to beat up Perry some more. I prepare myself to use my body as a shield to protect Perry from any further blows and then I recognise Brian. Breaking free from the crowd he’s falling to his knees beside me.
‘Perry!’ Brian looks him over, a quick assessment of his injuries. ‘Perry, it’s alright bro. Help is coming.’
I just stare at Brian, completely dumbfound. Brian’s attention is completely focused on Perry as he slowly eases him out of his foetal position, gently unfolding him.
From behind me I hear footsteps pounding down the hall. Voices yelling ‘Back to your classrooms!’ Mr Dubois. Teachers. Admin staff. All of them should have been here a lot sooner to put a stop to this. Where the hell were they?
In my frustration I turn to Brian. I grab his jacket sleeve and jerk him round to face me.
‘Where were you?’ On the verge of hysteria, I want to slap him and hit him like his friends just beat up Perry. ‘How could you let this happen?’
Next thing I know I am swinging my fists, hitting Brian anywhere and everywhere I can. I am screaming and ranting incoherently and wrestling with him as his hands struggle to catch my fists. Somehow he manages to grab my wrists from behind and holds me,
my back against his body, crossing my arms over my chest.
‘It’s okay, I got her,’ he says, obviously talking to the teachers.
I am exhausted. I give up the struggle. I am feeling weak and helpless, yet still full of anger. I look over to Perry in time to see Mr Dubois and Mr Valentine haul his weak frame up from the floor, and practically carry him down the hall. My eyes are burning with warm, salty tears and my knees buckle.
Brian and I spend half the day in the office recounting what happened and who was involved. Perry is taken to the medical room. The seven soccer players that were identified as his attackers are called into the office one by one. Their parents are called and they are sent home on suspension, pending further investigation.
I sit across from Brian and say nothing. My eyes hurt from crying. My face and nearly every muscle in my body ache from tension
and exhaustion. I don’t think I
can
talk if I want to. My voice is just gone.
After all the offenders have been sent home, Mr Dubois comes over to speak with us. ‘I’ll take it from here. Thank you both for stepping in and helping Perry. It could have been a lot worse.’
‘Is he going to be okay?’ Brian asks.
‘I’m sure he’ll be fine. Perry will need some time off.’ He squats down in front of me. ‘He’ll be all right, Dawn.’
I just nod. I can’t even look him in the eye. When he sees that I’m not going to respond, he pushes himself up.
‘The day’s almost over, so I’ll give you kids a choice. Do you want to go to class or go home early? I wouldn’t count it against you if you wanted to go home.’
Brian stands up. I can’t look at him and stare at the floor.
‘I’ll just go back to class.’
Mr Dubois nods and I feel him looking at me. ‘Dawn?’
‘Home.’ is all I can say with the little vocal strength I can muster.