Breaking Down Sydney (Sydney West #2) (7 page)

Chapter Twelve

Monday seemed to wash away the magic of the weekend. I was back to long lectures, endless homework, and I picked up a part-time job at the local bookstore. I started spending less and less time with Jason, but the time we did get to spend together was still precious. When I was around him, he infected me with butterflies. Every nerve in my body caught on fire when he touched me. How I felt around him was unreal. It was like what romance films talked about. I didn’t want to eat or sleep. I could see how a love like that could be true now.

“Sydney, when you’re done shelving the horror books, I need you to open up another register. The line is getting long,” Robert said.

“Okay.”

Robert was my new boss. He was in his mid-forties and appeared to be experiencing a mid-life crisis. If his fake hair and fancy clothes didn’t scream “look at the new me” then his cherry red Porsche did. Sports cars were made for either daredevils or men in crisis, I swear.

With the last book on the shelf, I wandered to the front of the store.

“Excuse me! Excuse me!” someone shouted from behind me.

I turned around to find an elderly woman waving me down.

“Yes?” I smiled at her, putting on my “nice, polite” face.

“Where’s the children’s section?”

“It’s right over there.” I pointed to the left back corner of the store. “There’s a yellow and red sign hanging above it that will tell you when you’ve reached it.”

She nodded, muttering something like “thanks” as she went.

I rolled my eyes, heading toward the registers again. At least she didn’t ask me to go in search of a book. Pointing things out was always easier.

By break time, my poor feet were throbbing. Even wearing flats killed my feet after standing for three hours straight. Only two more hours to go before I could crash.

***

Tuesday was a little better. At least my last class ended early and I didn’t have to go to work. During my down time, I went to the mall for some serious rest and relaxation. Soon I found myself at Veronica’s Secret. Who could pass up an incredible sale?

The red lace bras were calling my name. It was time for an upgrade. A woman could never have enough bras.

Miraculously a saleswoman didn’t attack me when I first walked in. I was between the underwire and the full comfort section when someone tapped my shoulder. I knew it would only be a matter of time before someone felt the need to help me.

“I’m good…” My sentence died when I saw who was behind me.

“We need to stop meeting like this, Syd,” Jason joked, punching me in the shoulder.

My stomach fluttered like it did when I met my favorite singer when I was fourteen. “Hey, stranger.” I looked past him to the entrance of the store, where a man in his forties stood. I always thought men didn’t like coming into this store, yet Jason had no problem with it. “What brings you here?”

Jason flashed me a wicked grin, holding something black and see-through out to me.

Out of all the words I could’ve said, I replied with, “What’s that thing?”

He chuckled. “Lingerie.”

I gave him a long look.

A gleam shone in his eyes. “I wandered in here and saw this on the mannequin. Thought it would look much better on you.”

I touched it. The fabric was extremely thin. A sinful smile curved my lips. “Wouldn’t it look better on the floor?”

He took me in with his silver eyes, looking hungry.

“Which one?” I asked abruptly, holding up the two red bras I was looking at before he disturbed me.

“They look the same,” he replied, looking at each bra. Puzzlement settled into the features of his face, creating wrinkles.

I shook the bra in my left hand. “This one has a wire and the other doesn’t. Not sure which to get, so just pick one.”

“That one.” He pointed to the one in my left hand, the wired bra.

“All righty,” I said, abandoning the other bra and going to the register.

“What about this?” Jason held up the lingerie.

It was my turn to chuckle. “Wouldn’t you rather I wear this,” I held up the bra, “some heels, and nothing else?”

He tossed the black material away. That was a yes in my book.

As we walked out, Jason linked his arm through mine. “Want to get a smoothie?”

“Sure.”

We walked to the food court, holding hands. Jason left me at the small metal table as he went to order us two fruit smoothies. As I waited and people watched, I realized two things. One, the old man who walked by me totally checked me out, and more importantly, two, I was having déjà vu.

In California, Jason and I shared pretzels in the mall after running into each other at Veronica’s Secret and then I split because of the tension of talking about my life. Remembering that created knots in my stomach, killing my appetite.

“Strawberry banana, freshly made,” Jason said, handing me my smoothie.

“Thanks.” I tried to give him my best smile, but only one side of my mouth was willing to work.

“What’s wrong?” He went from happy to concerned in less than a second.

“Oh, nothing. Just some old dude checked me out when he walked by.”

He made a fist and hit it with his other hand. “Want me to take him out?” he joked.

I waved him off, giving him a weak laugh. “No, it’s fine. You can be my bodyguard some other time.”

We shared a laugh. Jason stuck a straw into his smoothie, but nothing came up. “Damn strawberries blocking the hole.”

A giggle escaped me. “I hate when that happens. Talk about sucking issues.”

He snorted. “Damn, I hope you don’t have such problems.”

I placed my straw into the smoothie and pulled it back out. “I know how to solve those kind of issues.” I licked the length of my straw slowly. Jason shifted his position. If I looked under the table, I was sure I’d see how excited he was. “Down boy.” I placed the straw back into the drink.

He leaned in closer and said, “You’re killin’ me, Syd.”

I looked down at my nails, hiding my smile. “Your mama never told you the games girls like to play?” I teased.

“No, she said they were all sweet and the bad ones I should avoid.” His eyes darkened. “But I like the bad girls.”

I dragged my teeth over my bottom lip to drive him mad. “I could be so much worse.”

He moved in his chair again and cleared his throat. “We need to change the subject or we’re going to need to find a private place.”

“Okay,” I said, watching him over the rim of my cup.

“So…” He stirred his smoothie in the attempt to make it drinkable. “Speaking of mothers…when do I get to meet yours?”

I almost choked on a piece of banana. “Excuse me?”

“Your mom, I want to meet her.”

To avoid his eyes, I stared down at the pink slush in my cup. “Why?”

He let out a breath, as if we’d had this discussion before. “Because I’m your boyfriend.”

I shrugged, watching the woman pushing a stroller pass by. “I know, but isn’t that something that comes much later in relationships?”

He gave me a serious look. “Sydney, I want to be a part of your life. We need to move forward, and I think the next step is meeting your mother.”

I’ve given you my heart. No other boy can say that. Now you want to meet my mom? I don’t know if I’m ready for that, or if my mom is ready. I’ve never taken a boy home before.

I took a sip to buy a few seconds of silence. “I’m not sure when a good time would be. Things have been hectic lately and—”

“Do you live off of excuses as well as quotes?” he challenged.

Anger bit into me like a thousand wasp stings. “Why do you want to meet her? Would you like to meet my father while you’re at it?”

“If you’d let me.” His voice grew soft. “I want to
know
you. And I want you to know me. You can meet my mom and sister too when they come to visit.”

I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. “You do know me and I know you. I like baby steps.”

I’ve never met a guy’s family before. I’ve never done anything like this before! I feel out of my element. The world is spinning too fast.

Jason reached across the table and brushed the pad of his fingers along my knuckles. “No, I don’t. And you don’t know everything about me. Couples meet each other’s families, they bond. This is what relationships look like.”

“You know I’m…how did Amelia say it in Malibu…a virgin of love? I have no idea how relationships work. I know about commitment. I’d never cheat on you. I can say ‘I love you,’ but meeting parents is intense.”

He took his hand back and shook his head. “I know you’re new to this. That’s why I’m going slow with you. I didn’t mean take me to your mom’s now, but I want to know I’ll get to meet her in the near future.”

I nodded. “Okay, I hear you. I’m scared, is all.” I stirred my smoothie and watched my straw move, avoiding his gaze.

“I’m scared too.” He leaned forward. His eyes bore into me. I looked at him and got lost in a sea of silver. “I want to know your fears, your dreams, and your family. I want to give us the best shot of making it.” He took my hand in his, kissing the back of it softly.

A weak smile took my lips. “My mom has never met a guy I’ve been with.”

His eyebrows pulled together. “Why?”

I tugged on a strand of hair. “She has this idea that I’ll fall in love, get married, and start popping out babies. I never saw that in my future.”

He cocked his head to the side, studying me. “What did you see?”

I coiled strands of my hair around my fingers so tightly that it felt like I was tying a noose. “I want a career that will support me, most likely in psychology. I also want to be remembered for something, and the thought of having someone in my life never felt like a need.”

“So you wanted to be all alone?” He sounded a little wounded.

The tightness of the hair around my fingers made them tingle from the loss of blood. “No, I’d have cats…and Jack Daniels.”

“I remember us talking about this in Malibu. I can stand behind a strong woman with a career, but you also envisioned killing your liver and hoarding cats?” He looked sickened, like I’d admitted to having a tail, not goals.

A sigh escaped my lips. “When you put it like that, it sounds horrible.”

He grabbed his cup and took a sip. “How else do you word that, Syd?”

I released my hair and stared down at my drink. “Guess that just proves how fucked up I am.”

Jason watched me over the rim of his cup. A beat passed as he took me in like someone would a complicated math question before trying to solve it. I was one of those questions that took a full sheet of paper to work out and yet the answer was still a stab in the dark.

“What’s going on in that head of yours? You’re making me nervous,” I said, running my fingertip along the edge of my cup.

He toyed with what was left of his smoothie, tipping it back and forth. “You remind me of how I was when my dad left. Angry at everything and wanting a bunch of space. When I was ready to let someone in, I got screwed over.” Jason rubbed his jaw and added, “We have similar battle scars, Syd. The key is to let me in. I’m already an open book to you.”

A couple of girls walked by, giggling at something on a cell phone. I took a long sip, finishing my smoothie. Jason wanted to know the real me. He was in for a rude awakening when he found the source of all my scars. The key to my Pandora’s Box was lost. He’d have to find it to truly be let inside.

“I know I have a lot to learn, but I’m not so cold anymore.” A piece of hair fell into my face. I pushed it behind my ear. “At least I hope not.”

“Well, you’re not like a fish anymore, like in California, but—”

I narrowed my eyes. “Hey!”

He stood up and grabbed both our empty cups. As he walked to the trash can a few feet away, he chuckled. “Syd, you’re something.”

I got to my feet and grabbed my stuff. “Baby, I know.”

Jason closed the distance between us. His hands moved to my hips as he locked his lips with mine. I snaked my arms around his waist. Maybe having someone to cling to wasn’t so bad.

Chapter Thirteen

Locked in my dorm, I only wanted to catch up on my favorite TV show since I missed a few episodes thanks to work. Just as I hit play, my cell phone rang. A sigh exited my lips as I checked the caller ID to see if I could ignore the call. It was my mom. If I didn’t answer, she’d call again.

With another sigh, I picked up. “Hello?”

“Hey, baby, how’s your day going?”

I stared at my frozen laptop screen. The show screamed my name. “Fine. I was about to watch—”

“You’re in a good mood then?” She cut me off. Whatever was coming next wasn’t good.

“I guess, why?”

“Are you sitting down?”

Nothing pleasant came after those four words. “Mom, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

She was quiet for a heartbeat, then said, “It’s your father. He’s in the hospital and it doesn’t look good, baby.”

My stomach dropped and a tingling sensation spread across my body. “Come again?”

“He’s lost a lot of blood. It’s a mess.” Her voice cracked. The man was a devil in our house, but it was still shocking to be reminded that cancer feasted on his body.

I shook my head. The hatred I felt for my father was strong, but when he was so sick it was hard to hate him. It was like hating a five-year-old.

“I can’t talk about this now…”

“Sweetheart, God doesn’t want you to hate. He wants you to forgive. I don’t know how much time your father has left and I don’t want you to regret not seeing him.”

“I’ll think about it. I need to go.” I hung up before she could go on.

It was hard to forgive someone who never admitted they were wrong and never once asked for forgiveness. I know I should be the better person and forgive, but I couldn’t. All the years of him fighting my mom, breaking things, and making me feel pure terror during my childhood scarred me. He wasn’t there when I needed help.

Who pushed me down after falling in a hole the dog dug? My father. Who flipped the Honda ATC when I told him he was going too fast? My father. Who let weirdos into the house for a party when my mom was in the hospital? My father. He put my life in danger time and time again. If it wasn’t for my mom being there to protect me, God only knew where I’d be. Probably dead and/or raped.

My goal was to push my father out of my head and get back into the TV show. That was a challenge due to my cell phone buzzing with a text a few minutes later.

Uncle Lucas:
Hey Syd, going 2 c ur dad right now. U wanna ride?

Why did everyone think I should visit him? Was I the only one who thought I had justice in not seeing him?

Me:
No thanks, busy doing hw right now.

So I lied. It was easier to text that than my rant on justice.

Uncle Lucas:
U sure? Don’t want u 2 regret not going.

What was with the theme of regret? First my mom and now my uncle. Did no one understand how I felt? It was my choice to live with.

Me: I’m sure.

Uncle Lucas: Okay.

He finally stopped texting me.

My heart was torn. I didn’t want to see my dad, but would I regret it when he died? There was only one person’s opinion on the matter that would mean anything to me. Amelia.

She didn’t have any classes scheduled for today and was spending most of her free time with Hunter. I dialed her number and waited.

“Hey, Syd,” she said, sounding beyond happy. I pictured a huge grin on her face.

I licked my lips and thought I should just rip the Band-Aid off. “Hey, I have something personal to ask.”

Her perkiness went down a few levels. “Personal for me or you?”

“Me,” I replied, watching the bubbles pop up on my laptop, showing I’d left it alone for too long.

“Shoot.”

I dug my nails into the palm of my hand and said, “Well…you know about my father.”

“That he’s sick?” She sounded worried about where I was going with the topic.

I shut my laptop and sat up on my pillows. “My mom just called and said he’s worse.”

“What do you mean?” Her voice went from happiest girl in the world to concerned friend in a matter of seconds.

I stared at my closed laptop. The orange
on
light blinked lazily. “He’s in the hospital.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Syd. I’ll pack up my things and come back to the dorm. Do you want—”

I smiled. Amelia was such a sweet friend. “I’d love that, but there’s nothing you can do. Stay with Hunter and be happy. My family thinks I should go visit him, but you know how I feel about him. I was wondering if you think I should.”

“Let me get this straight. You want me to tell you if you should or shouldn’t go to the hospital to visit your father who’s dying of cancer?” She sounded puzzled.

All my fight gave. I slid down the pillows and stared up at the ceiling. “When you put it like that, I sound like a mean bitch.”

She laughed halfheartedly. “Oh, Syd. I know you hate him, but I think you should visit him at least once. I would if I were you.”

I followed the trail of the crack in the ceiling. “You would?”

“Mmm-hmm. It’s best to get things off your chest when the person is still alive than to face the ghosts when they die.”

“That makes sense. Guess I’m going to the hospital.”

“I’ll come too if you want or maybe Jason can.”

“Hell no, he can’t meet my father like this.” The idea of my father and Jason in the same room made my stomach tie itself into knots.

“You need to let that boy into your life if you ever want a real shot with him.” She scolded me like my mother did when I was a child.

“He
is
in my life. If I introduced him to all that is me, the poor boy would drown.”

It felt like she knew about the conversation Jason and I had about him wanting all my walls to crumble. Maybe she and Jason were talking behind my back, still trying to get me to fully fall under love’s spell.

She clicked her tongue, her clear sign of disappointment. “Suit yourself. Love can’t grow on mistrust, secrets, or lies.”

“Who’s lying? Who’s being mistrusting? It’s a visit to the hospital. It’s not a husband and kids on the side.” I suddenly felt defensive.

“Whatever. I can’t make you do anything, only tell you what I think.”

“You’re not using the old
‘You can bring a horse to water, but can’t make him drink’
bit on me, are you?”

“Sydney, you’re like a sister to me. I only want the best for you. Do what you think is right.” She sounded tired.

“All right. One step at a time. I’ll see my father, but alone. Thanks for the advice.”

“If you need to talk more or need a good kick in the butt, let me know. I’ll happily come back to the dorm.”

I laughed. “I know I can count on you.”

“Always, bye.”

“Bye.”

The decision was made. I was going to the damn hospital to visit the father who was never there for me. Oh, what fun to look forward to.