So I did.
“Cameron. Back here now!” I heard Chris scream.
I could have been a good boy and done what I was told. But that wasn't my style. I just kept paddling, straight into the morning sun. Straight off into oblivion on my own. It wasn't like I was trying to split. I just wanted to go where I wanted to go.
I was always listening to that voice in my head. It said things like,
You can do it. You'll get away with it. You'll never be caught.
By then, I knew that Chris had struck out of the pack and was headed after me. That was inevitable. He wasn't going to let me just paddle off into the wilderness. Then I made the mistake of turning around to see how close he was.
I guess I leaned too far to the left and then lost my balance.
Wham.
I went over. I can't begin to describe the shock to my system. The water was icy cold. I was completely upside down with my kayak above me. I flailed the paddle underwater, but that didn't seem to do any good, so I let go of it.
I wanted to scratch my way up to the surface so badly. But the worst part was I couldn't get out of the kayak. I was still sealed into place by the spray skirt. And I was upside down. I hadn't paid attention to the part of the lecture about how to rip the skirt off the kayak, how to push downward, out of a kayak when you are upside down.
I thrashed about and felt my lungs begin to burn. My brain was screaming at me to get to the surface, but no matter how hard I twisted and turned, I couldn't get free to swim up. I was totally panicked.
And then suddenly I saw the shadow of something above me on the water's surface. I saw an arm push down into the water, and then a hand grabbed my wrist and yanked hard.
I twisted free of the kayak and felt myself being pulled upward. I surfaced a second later, gasping for air and snorting seawater out my nose. When I could catch my breath, I saw Chris scowling at me, but he didn't say a word.
I draped myself across the front of his kayak to get some breath and my bearings. I wondered what would happen next.
“You got the balls to get back into your own kayak, or you want me to just haul your sorry ass back to shore?” he asked.
I was cold and still pretty freaked by what had just happened. “I don't know, man,” I said.
He looked at me for second. “If you can follow directions, we can do this.”
I looked around me and realized how far from shore we were. Once again, I had been the screwup. I decided I would let Chris call the shots. I nodded at him.
“Okay, you've got your life jacket on, so you're not gonna drown. So slip off my boat and get back in the water.”
I looked at him like he was crazy.
“Just do it.”
I eased back into the icy-cold seawater.
“Now lift the nose of your kayak onto mine.”
My kayak was still upside down and seemed to weigh a ton. I struggled with it as Chris braced his kayak with his paddle to stay steady. Eventually, I got the front tip of my kayak on top of his and he reached forward with one arm to slide it up and over. I realized then just how strong this guy was.
When most of the water had emptied, Chris flipped it upright and back down in the water like it was nothing at all. I was still dog-paddling and cold as hell. He braced my boat and then said, “Get in. Nice and easy.”
I floundered and slipped and struggled but eventually got back in. He handed me my paddle. There was still water in the bottom of my boat, but at least I was back in it.
“You want me to take you back to camp, or you want to catch up with the others and go to that island out there?” He pointed to the rocky island we had originally been heading for. “I got a pack of dry clothes here you can change into. It's not the first time, you know.”
I nodded to the island and took a stroke with my paddle. My heart was still racing pretty fast.
“Great,” he said. “Just don't be an asshole again.”
When we got to the island, I was still wet and shaking from the cold. I got some razzing from the other guys, but I'd taken much worse in my time. I walked off with the packet of dry clothes to change and found myself standing on a large rock shelf in the morning sun overlooking the inlet.
I skinned off my wet clothes and stood naked for a couple of minutes, letting the sun dry me. In front of me was the bright blue water, and out there were dozens of islands in the distance as far as I could see. I knew I was looking east. I'd seen the map of this place. I knew that in this direction there were no roads and no towns for a long, long way. Nothing but sea and islands. It would not be hard to get lost out there.
I put on the clothes, which were a little too big for me, and walked back to join the others. Chris didn't say anything else about what I'd done. I watched as he lit a fire, and half listened as he gave a talk about wilderness survival. That word,
survival
, echoed in my head. I'd just had my own close call. That's what I was struggling for down there underwater. Survival. The basic instinct to live.
But wasn't that what it was all about? Even back in civilization. We were all just trying to get by. We all just wanted to survive by getting what we needed to live. But why was it so difficult?
I was a nervous paddler on the way back to the camp later that morning. I trailed behind the others, but everyone left me alone, even Chris. When I allowed myself to stop beating myself up, I looked around again and thought that being on the water like this was great. But, as always, something was gnawing at me. I felt like an animal in a cage, even out here in the wide-open watery inlet. No matter what I did in life, I couldn't shake it.
Back in the hall at lunchtime, I sat by myself at the end of a table in the back of the room. I'd always been a loner, so this was nothing new. Back home at school, they had names for me. I never had many friends, and those I did have were ones who'd get me in trouble. Most times, I thought I was better off on my own.
I spotted her in the lunch line and wondered what her morning had been like. I didn't think she had seen me when she walked in, but as soon as she left the line with her tray of food, it was like the girl had some kind of radar, because she walked straight in my direction and sat down across from me.
“I hear you nearly drowned,” she said.
“News travels fast.”
“Around here it does. Anyway, no big deal. I'm not afraid of death. Are you?”
“A little,” I said.
“You'll get over it.”
It was an odd conversation with someone I had never spoken to before, but she was interesting, for sure. Different. And she was hot.
“I'm Brianna,” she said.
“Cameron.”
“Do people call you Cam?”
“No.”
“Ouch. Okay, Cameron. You okay with me sitting here, or you want me to leave?”
“Sorry,” I said. I knew I had just sent out a bad vibe, and I sure as hell didn't want her to leave.
“It's okay. You had a rough morning, nearly drowning and all.”
“What did you do?” I asked. My social skills were not all that polished.
“What do you mean?”
“What did you do that landed you here?”
“Oh, that. You really want to know?”
“Yeah.”
“I got busted for selling weed at school.”
“At school, really?”
“Well, weed and a little E. But the E wasn't really my thing. It was just the once.”
“And you got caught.”
“Yeah. Again. I'm what they refer to as incorrigible. A repeat offender.”
“I've been labeled that before.”
“Maybe we can form a club,” she said. “Or a band. The Incorrigibles.”
“Maybe. You been to Walkerton?”
“Twice.”
“And now you're here. Like me.”
“That's us. But you didn't tell me what you did.”
“Broke into people's houses and stole things.”
“That wasn't nice,” she said, a half smile sneaking out, making me realize just how pretty this drug-dealing incorrigible girl was.
“I can't even tell you why I did it. I just tried it once and it was easy, so I did it some more. Kept some things. Sold some stuff for some pocket money.”
“It was probably the thrill,” she said. “You liked the buzz of the danger and you liked breaking rules.”
“Is that why you sold drugs?”
“Not drugs. Like I said, mostly weed. But no, I was in it for the money. I still plan on making a million dollars before I turn twenty-one.”
“Still?”
“Well, yeah. Once I get out of this shithole and make my way out of Nova Scotia. I have connections. What about you? Future plans?”
I threw up my hands. “I'm more of a one-day-at-a-time kind of guy.”
She looked a little disappointed. “We could work on that,” she said. “You like me?”
That one threw me, but then everything about this girl threw me. I cleared my throat so that I had a chance to think before speaking. I wanted it to sound just right. “Yeah,” I said. “I'm just getting to know you, but I like what I see.”
“And what is it you see?” she shot back.
“I see fire,” I said. I didn't even know where that came from, but it lit her up. She liked it. What I was thinking was, I see a drug-dealing girl who is very attractive and nothing but trouble, looking for trouble and looking to get
me
in more trouble. But I didn't say that.
It rained for five days after that. Most of what we did was inside. Exercise classes, talking sessions with the counselorsâ real wannabe social workers. They were all pretty young and clueless. They said things like, “You have your whole life ahead of you. You can control your life. You are in charge.”
If I was in charge, I would have been out of there. In fact, the pressure was building up inside me. When the weather got better, I could do that. I could run. Into the woods. Anywhere. I didn't really want to go back home. I didn't know where I wanted to go. But yeah, maybe it was time for me to take charge.
They kept the guys separated from the girls during that week. There must have been problems, because now they kept us apart even at meals. I could wave to Brianna and she'd look at me, but we couldn't actually talk. I kept thinking about that girl.
A guy in the room where I slept, Gerard, kept on my case like he wanted to fight. Why me? I wondered. Just because I had
Loser
stamped in big red letters on my forehead, I guessed. Growing up, I'd known at least twenty Gerards. They zero in on you for no particular reason. They piss you off. They know they can beat the crap out of you. All you have to do is let your guard down or, worse yet, fake being tough.
Gerard was cold one night and ripped the blanket off my bed for himself. He didn't say a word. I waited until he fell asleep, and then I took it back. I did it gently so he didn't wake up. My style. There was a night-light in the room, so a few of the guys who were awake saw me. Then I turned around, put my butt up close to his sleeping face and farted. Fortunately for me, he didn't wake, but I'd made my point.
Someone must have reported my nighttime activities, because in the morning Gerard snarled at me and called me a name or two that had a familiar ring. I pretended I didn't hear him. Gerard threatened to get me good when I wasn't looking, and I knew he wasn't kidding. More reason to get the hell out of here. But I didn't turn him in. I could have told Chris, but then I would have to be watching my own back all the time. There were some rules you just had to play by.
Finally the skies cleared and we were outside again. I found myself on a team of guys playing volleyball against a team of girls. Freaking volleyball. I hadn't played that since I was a little kid in junior high. But playing against the girls was definitely all right. I guess they thought we were safe if they kept the net between us. And there was Brianna on the other team. When it was my turn to serve, I hit the ball straight to her and she made a nice return right in my direction. I flubbed my own return, but I still felt like we had connected. Hey, I guess, under the circumstances, it was about as romantic as things could get.
And then a few days later, we were back in the kayaks and on a longer trip. No splashdowns for me. No wipeouts. This trip out was an overnighter to an island. Each of us had a tiny little tent. Privacy at last. The day had been sunny, and I had a burnt nose. But my paddling was good, the exercise had me tired, and I slept like a baby in my own tiny private tent.
It must have been after midnight when I heard the zipper to my tent. Oh shit, I thought. It's either a frigging bear come to eat me, or it's Gerard. I groped for my flashlight, hoping it was the bear. If I was going out of this world, I'd rather be a meal for a wild animal than the victim of a bully-creep like Gerard.
I finally found my little flashlight and flicked it on straight at my intruder.
Boy, had I called that one wrong.
Kneeling at the opening of my tent was Brianna. Her eyes were wide, and she pulled herself quickly in. “Shh,” was all she said. “Turn off your light.”
I was propped up on my elbows trying to get her into focus and figure out what was going on. She was the one to reach out and turn the flashlight off. The tent went pitch-black. Then she lay down beside me. I could hear her breathing heavily.
“Where'd you come from?” I asked.
“You didn't know? Some of us are camping on the other end of the island. It's not that big. I planned this.”
I was thinking, Planned? This was part of some plan? But was I ever happy to see her. Well, I couldn't see her. But I was happy she was here. How could I not be? She leaned back and zipped my tent up again. “Mosquitoes out there. Very nasty.”
“How'd you get here?”
“Walked the shoreline. I'd studied the map before we left. I heard the news that you guys would be here. I wanted to find you. I saw your pack outside.” She lay down beside me on her back and grew quiet. I lay beside her and listened to her breathe. Now what? I wondered.