Authors: Shayne McClendon
“Why didn’t she
tell me
, Thad?
I don’t understand.” Diesel was doing everything possible to hide his agony.
“She didn’t want you to quit
school or feel like you had to go back after you graduated. She thought you’d
give up your future to do the right thing, when she felt it was totally the wrong
thing for you.”
Thad cleared his throat. “Probably
the worst was knowing everyone would say they always expected it of a Rhodes
girl.” Diesel rubbed his temple. “She had a thing for you for
years
,
Diesel. Way before you guys hooked up. She doesn’t think I know that.”
Diesel let the shock of that sink
in. He’d thought she didn’t care one way or another about him. Jesus.
One
thing at a time.
“I wouldn’t have left her to deal with…everything alone.
Ever.”
“Yeah, she knew that so she
decided to deal on her own. I fill in where I can, but she has him in hockey
lessons and skips sleep to take him. Takes him skating all day on Sunday.
She’s a great mom…”
Thad laughed at Dalton. “It’s
gone
,
buddy. You lick that plate and Mom is going to
flip
out. You want a
banana?” Dalton nodded and held out his hand. “After that, you have to go back
to bed. Mommy hasn’t slept in a really long time, okay?”
Dalton nodded again and said, “I
won’t wake her up. S’posed to read dis mornin’. She’ll wake up wit de buzzer to
do dat.”
Diesel leaned forward. “How
about if I read with you, Dalton?”
“Don’t you have to play hockey?”
Loose black curls slid over his forehead as he tilted his head.
“Nope, I’m off for the next
couple of days. How about I hang out with you? We’ll let your mom sleep and
take her out to eat later. What do you say?”
“If you’re
sure
. Don’t
wanna mess up your hockey job. You have to make shots and keep your teeth in
your
mouth
, okay?” Diesel nodded and Dalton took a huge bite of his banana.
When both his cheeks were full he held out the banana to Diesel who smiled and
took a bite.
Thad stood up and said, “I have
to crash or I’ll be useless in the morning. I’m going back to bed. Dalton, be
good. Love ya, buddy.” Dalton lifted his banana-filled cheek, demanding
kisses, and Thad gave him one then pretended to chew on him.
Less than a minute later, Diesel
found himself alone with his son. “What do you know about your dad, Dalton?”
“He’s a good guy. Does important
stuff and loves me. Mommy says she’s fillin’ in for now but one day I’ll meet
him and he’ll be my bestest friend ever. ‘Til den it’s just us ‘round here.
She’s a good mommy. She skates gooder dan de other moms when we go to de ice
park. Prettier too.”
“Yes, your mommy is a very beautiful
woman and a wonderful skater. Do you want to go skating later, Dalton?”
He climbed down from the chair
and threw the banana peel in the trash. When he tried to help the toddler
climb back up, Dalton shooed his hand at him to show he could do it by himself.
Settled again, he shook his head.
“Can’t. Mommy works and reads
for school every day but we go Sunday until her work.” Dalton’s eyes focused
intently on Diesel. “I don’t t’ink I should go wit’out Mommy. It’s de only
fun she has.”
When MacKenzie came out of her
bedroom, she was wearing a pair of loose sleep pants and a tank top, socks on
her feet. Her damp hair was in a thick braid down her back. He’d never seen
her sexier.
Diesel sat in a big recliner,
informed it was where they sat to read. Dalton crawled across his lap with a
Dr. Seuss book in his hands. He was blown away that a child so young already knew
how to read.
Kenzie murmured groggily, “Good
boy, Dalton. I’m just going to close my eyes for a few minutes. Don’t play in
the kitchen. If you’re hungry, wake me up.”
She walked slowly to the front
door and locked it; also latching a child lock higher up. Then she shuffled to
the couch and laid down. She was asleep in seconds.
Kenzie was snuggled happily
beneath her favorite blanket. As she pushed it away from her face, she opened
her eyes to bright sunlight, and immediately hit her internal panic button. “Thad!
What
time
is it? What
day
is it?” She bolted to her feet and looked
around wildly. “Where’s
Dalton
?”
Diesel poked his head around the
kitchen wall. “Kenzie. Everything is alright. It’s Monday. Thad said you
don’t have classes until much later. It’s only noon. Dalton is fine and Thad
went to class. You needed to sleep.”
“Wh…what?” She rubbed her eyes roughly
and stared at him. “I’m…confused.” She sat down hard and Diesel came to sit
beside her. “What are you still
doing
here, Diesel? Why did you let me
sleep? I can’t sleep so long; I have things I need to do.”
“He’s fed, dressed, and safe. I
promise I didn’t break him. I
did
have little brothers, you know. Two
at once as a matter of fact. At this age Jon and Justin weren’t nearly as
self-reliant as Dalton is so he’s not even a little hard to watch. How are you
feeling?”
“I’m okay. I’m still…confused.”
She turned to face him. “I have no idea what to say.”
She smoothed her hands over her
face, then pulled her braid over her shoulder and started untwining it. “I
don’t want anything from you, Diesel. I’m not like that.” She stood up and
went in the kitchen. It was clean and neat.
Turning to head to Dalton’s room
she bumped into Diesel. “Where’s Dalton?”
“Crashed the hell out. Remember,
he woke up at three in the morning. He made it until about fifteen minutes
ago.” He wasn’t surprised when she went around him to check. She opened his
door and saw her son fast asleep with his favorite stuffed animal clutched to
his chest.
Closing the door softly, Kenzie returned
to the living room, standing in the middle as she rubbed her temples. “Kenzie,
please sit down before you drop.” She lowered herself to the edge of the
couch. “You want coffee?”
Without waiting for her to
answer, he went and poured her some and asked how she took it. She told him and
he came back to sit beside her. She sat with her forearms on her knees, coffee
between them.
“Thank you.”
“What are you thanking me for,
Kenzie?”
“For not freaking out in front of
Dalton, for not shaking me until my head fell off, for being sweet to him, for
watching him when I should have been, for the coffee. Take your pick.” She
took a deep breath and glanced at him. “Diesel, I don’t know what you’re
thinking and it’s making me nervous.”
“Don’t be nervous, Kenzie. I’d
never
lay my hands on you in anger and Dalton is incredible. It’s your coffee. I
just brewed it.” He reached out, took the coffee cup from her hands, and put
it on the table. “MacKenzie, look at me.”
She turned, but couldn’t meet his
eyes. “Look at me, stop hiding from me. You don’t have to do that. I’m not an
ogre.” As her eyes lifted to his, he saw what was coming and pulled her
against him as she completely broke down.
She was shaking and gripping his
jersey. Diesel soothed her, pulled her into his lap, and cradled her while she
cried. “You’re
so
tired, Kenzie. Why didn’t you let me help you? Why
didn’t you tell me, honey?”
For a long time, she couldn’t
answer. His chest was broad and warm, the sound of his steady heartbeat calmed
her, his hands stroked her hair.
“It was so typical. The whole
situation was like a bad country song. Girl from fucked up family gets knocked
up by the town golden boy and sidelines his life. No thanks. My entire life
has been like that. I didn’t want that for you.”
He rubbed her back, “So you figured
me for an either/or kind of guy, huh? Either do the right thing for you and Dalton
or chase hockey pucks? What made you think I couldn’t do both, Kenzie? We
could have worked together so you didn’t have it all on your shoulders.”
“I’m used to stuff being on my
shoulders, Diesel. You aren’t.” She sat up to look at him, wiping her face. “You
were
twenty-one
, Diesel. Your senior year was your best, it was all
coming together for you. You won the conference and were drafted right out of
the gate.”
She gathered her hair and pushed
it behind her. “If there had been an infant in your life during your senior
year,
none
of that would have happened. I know it even if you don’t.
You wouldn’t have had the focus. I’m not saying you wouldn’t have done the
right thing. I
know
you would have. That’s why I didn’t tell you. You
would have
tried
to do both, but something would have suffered, and you
would have resented me for it. I would have resented me, too.”
He thought about his senior year
and how he’d spent more than twelve hours a day on the ice. “You had a
feeling, didn’t you? When I was leaving? You were never on birth control,
were you?”
“Why would I be on birth
control? I wasn’t having sex. Yeah, I had a feeling because that’s how my
luck runs most of the time. Then Thad got his acceptance letter and we made a
plan. Bob moved us, put me on his business insurance as a consultant. It worked
out.”
Diesel’s face went hard. “Oh it
worked out great for
me
, that’s for sure. I was off playing, fighting,
and fucking while you were working yourself to death and not sleeping. I feel
like the biggest shit on the planet, Kenzie. How many times did you think,
isn’t he just living the
charmed fucking life
?”
“Never once, Diesel. I keep a
scrapbook about you for Dalton. I have the whole history for him. I’m very
proud of everything you’ve done. It’s not like you’d have taken a vow of
celibacy even if you
had
known about Dalton. I didn’t care…who was I to
care? You needed to go, I told you to go. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Thad said you had pneumonia
really bad. Why didn’t you call me then?”
“You were in the middle of the
play-offs, Diesel. Are you kidding?”
“Were you
ever
going to
tell me, MacKenzie? Were you ever going to ask me for anything?”
“Yes, I was going to wait until Dalton
was older and I would have asked you to help him with college. I want him to
have the best education.”
He stared at her. “So…let me see
if I get this straight. You get all the hard work of sleepless nights, buying
groceries…and I’ve seen how that boy eats…illness, and temper tantrums. Then,
when he’s old enough to be no trouble, I can swoop in and be king-high-shit.
Oh, and I can throw a pittance of my salary at his education.”
Her lips parted to say something
but his hands settled over her shoulders. He gave her a tiny shake. “Why is
it about what’s best for
me
? What about
you
, MacKenzie? When do
you get your chance? When do you stop living for everyone else? When does
your
happiness
get to matter?”
“I…I don’t know. When I’m done,
I guess.”
“That is the saddest thing I’ve
ever heard, Kenzie. You’re giving away everything you have; there isn’t going
to be anything left. You’re fighting for everyone else but never you. Who the
fuck am I that
my
happiness should be more important than
yours
?”
“You’re…
you
, Diesel.”
The simplicity of her words made
it all so clear. He realized just how blind he’d been.
Out of nowhere, he remembered
sixth grade, just before the car accident that almost ended her life. They’d
gone to school together since Kindergarten. In a town as small as theirs, the
smart, the not-so-smart, and the average were all lumped into the same
classes.
His friends were into sports and
goofing off. Kenzie never had friends other than her siblings. She fought a
lot when her sisters and brothers started school. He remembered she was always
stopping them from getting beat up. It gave her a reputation as a hothead.
Then in sixth grade, he was
failing Algebra. She must have watched him for days because when she caught
him alone, she gave him the keys to ‘getting it’ in less than thirty seconds
and shoved some notebook paper in his hands.
She’d disappeared when she heard
his friends coming. He now realized she hadn’t wanted anyone to know he was
talking to her. Later that night, he went through the papers and suddenly, he
didn’t feel like an idiot anymore. He passed Algebra with a low B and had
never thanked her.
A few weeks later, she almost
died because of her father’s drunk driving. She switched to home-school and he
kind of forgot she existed until the day he saw her skating.
Diesel had never participated in
making fun of the Rhodes kids but he hadn’t defended them either. He was too
wrapped up in his own life.
He looked at her, wondering at
the giving nature that had developed despite her parents. She was a good
person, a beautiful woman, and a wonderful mother.
The sensations only Kenzie had
ever been able to inspire the first time he touched her came roaring back and
he didn’t understand how his mind and body had been able to put
this woman
out of his thoughts.
Meanwhile,
he
had never
been far from
hers
.
“Do you remember helping me pass
Algebra, Kenzie?”
A small frown formed between her
eyebrows. “You aren’t stupid, Diesel. I just showed you a simpler way of
looking at it.”
“I never thanked you for that.”
“That was like a million years
ago.”
“Do you remember the girl I went
to senior prom with?”
“Stacy Cooper.” She hissed the
name.