Breath of Yesterday (The Curse Series) (27 page)

I found it hard to appreciate the beauty of the landscape passing us by, and it was only Payton’s presence that managed to distract me from these dark, terrible thoughts. It hurt me to know how much the centuries would change him. His eyes were still open and kind, and his laughter was sincere, but the curse would take all that away from him. I savored the feeling of allowing Past Payton into my heart and no longer felt like I was betraying Future Payton. It was pretty simple, really: Payton McLean held my heart in his hands—forever and across all time.

When we made camp after night had fallen, we held each other close in the knowledge that this would be our last time. The tears I silently shed that night were my secret to keep. I was afraid of leaving Payton, because I couldn’t be sure that word of his passing wouldn’t be waiting for me in the future.

Couldn’t I just risk it, and stay here forever?

Morning broke with a glorious sunrise. The sky was ablaze with the most vibrant colors that sprinkled the clouds in gold and sent the first warm rays of sunshine down to Earth.

“Payton, look! Isn’t it amazing?” I whispered into his ear, making him squint open his eyes and follow my gaze.

Then he looked down, flicking a blade of grass from his kilt, and held out his hand.

“Yes, I guess it is,” he mumbled before turning around to get the horses.

I felt terribly guilty. The curse was getting stronger. It had already taken the joy from his eyes, had made him oblivious to the beauty of the rising sun. I shivered in the sudden cold that I hadn’t noticed while I was lying in his warm embrace. We rode the rest of the way in silence, and I didn’t fail to notice that Payton was closing himself off more and more.

It was noon when we reached the mountaintop and saw the dark waters of Loch Duich nestled into the hollow below. The Five Sisters framed this dramatic, breathtaking panorama beautifully: T
h
e autumn landscape was vibrant with bright fall colors, plunging the mountains in copper and bronze tones and welcoming us home. Only Payton became more and more apathetic with every minute that passed.

“That’s us,” he said as he guided us the final yards down to the lakeshore. Now, in broad daylight and without that spooky fog that had confused me when I first arrived, everything looked very different. I could barely even comprehend why I had been so disoriented.

It was clear that the stone cottage had long been abandoned. The roof had caved in and would offer no protection from the elements; and the door was hanging crooked in its frame, flapping in the wind.

From there, my eyes wandered over the heath, searching for the spot where I had regained consciousness. The cemetery did not yet exist, but the marker stone was there, clearly visible between the rolling hills.

Payton silently helped me down from the saddle and grabbed my hand. He seemed to flinch, but the stoic expression on his face didn’t give anything away.

“What now, then?” he asked.

Yeah, what now? That was a great question, because once again I was missing some kind of billboard loudly announcing the way back to the twenty-first century.

I trotted over to the stone and carefully walked around it. How exactly would this work? Even though I had experienced firsthand that time travel was possible, now that I was standing in front of this simple stone, I found it impossible to imagine how this thing would ever take me back to my real life. Slowly I held out a trembling arm, ready to pull back at any moment should anything strange happen. I ran my fingers over the cold, rough surface, and finally placed my hand on the smooth top.

Payton watched Samantha as she slowly approached the stone. Whenever he looked at her, he didn’t know who or what she was—but he trusted his heart enough to know that she was the love of his life, even as his feelings were getting weaker and weaker. She was a mystery to him, and he could see that she felt guilty. Whatever it was that she blamed herself for, he didn’t want to know. He wasn’t sure that he was strong enough to forgive her. And so it was better to believe in the love they felt for each other and never find out why she had come into his life. For one thing was certain: She had never wanted to harm anyone.

His own mortal soul, on the other hand, was soaked in Cameron blood. Never, or so he hoped, would he have to own up to what he’d done. But such thoughts were nothing compared to the idea of having to let Sam go. As weak as that feeling was, he realized that it was fear. Still, they had no choice.

The chill spread through him. Colors lost their luster, and even Sam’s smile didn’t touch him as much as it had only a few hours ago. He didn’t want to live in a world where her kiss meant nothing to him, only because he was damned to a life without feelings, emotions, love. No, she needed to leave him and let him walk alone into the dark.

“What are you doing?” he asked as Sam traced the inscription on the stone with her fingers.

“I’m looking for the way. This stupid stone brought me here. I don’t know how it happened, but if I ever want to return home, I’d better find out.”

Payton knew that only a few hours ago he had been fighting against letting Sam go with every fiber of his being. But now he didn’t feel the horror and despair that had grabbed ahold of him then. Yet the faintest echo of those feelings made him now reach out and grab her hand.

“Wait,” he said, because he wasn’t ready to have her disappear from his life. “The dagger. You’ll need the dagger.”

Grateful for having found a reason to pull Sam back and over to the horses, he managed to force himself to smile.

He opened the saddlebags and unearthed the leather-wrapped dagger.

“I’ve got something else for you,” he said hoarsely. It had been a shock to him to find the small package when he had searched Kyle’s saddlebags earlier for something to drink. Kyle was dead because he had given up his own safety for him. Payton was almost glad that the curse was growing stronger and stronger, wiping out his feelings of guilt about his brother’s death—along with all his other emotions.

Payton realized that his mind was wandering when Sam touched him gently on the elbow.

“Do you want me to take it or not?” she asked, pointing at the dagger.

“Sure. There, don’t cut yourself. Maybe it’s safer to carry it in the leather pouch.”

He watched as Sam stuck the dagger into the pouch and placed it under her arm. Then he turned back to the package. Trying to keep his weakening feelings hidden, he thrust the soft, leather-bound package into her hands.

“There, it’s a gift. You…I mean…I’m sure you know what to do with it,” he finally managed, but when Sam smiled and slid a curious finger under the leather band to open it, he placed his hands on hers even though the excruciating pain almost made him want to pull away.

“No,
mo luaidh
. Only open it after you get home,” he insisted.

“All right, fine. Although I hate being kept in suspense,” Sam said, touched by his words. She placed the soft bundle in her bag. Then she brushed his lips with hers, but Payton could no longer feel it. Darkness was moving in.

“You need to go!” he said urgently.

This emptiness inside was impossible to bear! Somewhere in the recesses of his mind he knew what a kiss was, that he should feel something—so why couldn’t he feel it anymore? But even the despair that was grabbing ahold of him was a shadow of its normal self. He just didn’t
feel
it anymore.

“Go now! It is time!”

Sam’s eyes filled with tears as he led her back to the marker stone.

“Do you remember what you did to get here?” he asked.

Sam knitted her brow. She touched the stone and squatted down.

“I wa…uh…so I bent down in front of the stone because I had dropped something and was looking for it,” she explained, trying to retrace her every move. “Then I noticed the names, and I wondered if they maybe had anything to do with the legend of the five sisters.”

“The legend? It’s not a legend. Over there, the cottage: That’s where a druid once lived with his daughters. This is a magical place,” Payton explained, reaching for one of the roses growing by the stone. Its smell no longer brought him joy, but he wanted to offer it to Sam.

“That’s it! Yes, that could be it!” she called, grabbing his hand before he could prick his finger on the thorns.

Then she looked up with bright and knowing eyes as if she had just solved a mystery. “That must be it!” she cried, now running her own fingers over the soft petals. “I remember that I hurt myself on the roses. I pricked my finger, and it was bleeding. Do you think that could mean something?”

“We’ll find out in a moment,” Payton said, reaching for his dagger—but the leather sheath by his side was empty. “Where’s my dagger?”

“I’ve got it.” She pulled the dagger out from under her dress and solemnly handed it over. “You left it in my room.”

He looked deep into Sam’s expectant face, forced her up against the stone so that she was touching it with her body, and pulled the sharp blade across the palm of his hand.

“My life for you,
mo luaidh
!” He used the motto he and Kyle had shared all of their lives to say good-bye to the love of his life, and with closed eyes he pressed the flat of his hand against the cold stone.

He kept his eyes shut for fear of finding himself alone.

“Hmm, I don’t think it’s working!”

Sam’s voice snapped him out of his paralyzed state. Relieved, if without feeling joy, he realized that she was still there. A selfish hope grew inside him. Perhaps she was now forced to stay with him forever.

“You’re not bleeding,” Sam said in astonishment, and Payton looked down at his hands. This was impossible! He had pulled the blade across his palm with all his strength. He’d felt the pain and the burning of the sharp metal, but his skin was completely unscathed.

Sam shrunk back, all color draining from her face, and Payton knew that she was thinking about the curse.

“Payton! I…I will stay with you, I can’t leave you like this! You need me. Look what she’s done to you!”

However much he had wanted to hear her say this
before
the curse, he could not allow it to happen now. With cruel honesty, he started to describe his dying feelings:

“Sam, I’m sorry, but you can’t help me. I don’t need your love because it no longer keeps me warm. Your kisses no longer reach my heart, and your very touch hurts my skin. I don’t remember the feelings I once had for you, not even in the far reaches of my mind. I forgot what it was like to lie in your arms, and I don’t remember how I fell in love with you. The man I was is no longer, but I do know that he’d want you to be safe. So go, please, because I cannot bear to be this close to you.”

He spoke the truth, and I could tell from his eyes—he was begging me to let him go. I watched his face carefully, trying to memorize his beautiful features, wanting to kiss him one last time. But instead I quickly grabbed his hand that was still holding the dagger. I pulled the blade across the ball of my thumb in the same way I had seen him do and, hand bleeding, I reached for the marker stone.

“My love for you,
mo luaidh
!” I said, tweaking his motto just before pain started to flood my brain.

Bright!

Again I saw the familiar, all-consuming blaze of light.

I felt emptiness.

Except for this explosion of light burning through me, turning my skin white-hot, filling my heart with liquid fire, and pumping rays of dazzling light throughout my body. It plunged my mind into a brilliant, blinding pool of light.

I was falling. I felt my soul break away from my body. I felt both my soul and body aimlessly stumbling, and wandering. And then there was nothingness—no past, and no future. A pair of giant, burning wings carried me into a light-flooded abyss. And an icy fist tore me into individual strands of light.

I tried with all my might to think of the love that had brought me here, but my mind no longer existed.

Everything was so bright and radiant. No thought could penetrate this tidal wave of light, and no feeling was able to get through. Still, I tried to hold on to love, tried to align my burning self to it before the blinding brightness could shatter me to pieces. Finally, I burst under the light that exploded out of my body.

C
HAPTER
36

Cemetery by Auld a´chruinn, Present-Day Fall

B
as maillaichte!”

Sean was covered in cold sweat. He ripped open Payton’s shirt, staring at his naked chest. As he placed the heel of his hand on Payton’s breastbone in a desperate attempt to resuscitate him, he cursed Nathaira’s name.

“I’ll be damned if I allow you to take another brother away from me, you black-hearted witch!” he roared.

His tears fell on Payton’s motionless chest as he tried to keep his brother’s heart beating.

“If you leave me now, Payton, I’ll—”

“You’ll do what?” asked a shaky voice behind him.

Sean froze in his tracks, turned around slowly, and sank back on his heels. His voice was hoarse and shaky when he replied: “Well, Sam, then I swear I will kill him!”

Sean’s face was wet with tears, and his red-rimmed eyes and Payton’s lifeless body sucked the rest of my energy out of me. I sank into the wet, dead leaves on the cemetery ground.

I was alive! But even though I had found my way back, I had never felt so lost.

Sobbing, I threw myself into Sean’s arms, but he pushed me away.

“Sam!” he yelled, wiping the tears from my face. “Tell me, Sam, can we save him? I know you were there, but did you also find a way to get Vanora’s blood?”

I nodded and handed him the bag.

He yanked it out of my hands, frantically emptying its contents. When he reached for the leather-wrapped package, I stopped him.

“No, that’s not it! There, that’s the dagger Nathaira used to kill her mother. It is soaked in Vanora’s blood,” I explained, clutching the soft package against my chest.

He wrenched the dagger from its wrapping and gave me a puzzled look.

“This is it? What the—?”

“Yes, Sean! This is it! What do you think it was like, pulling that dagger from the witch’s chest? Do you think it was pure pleasure? Would you have had a better idea? Vanora’s blood: There it is! I repaid my debt. I’ve kept my goddamn promise!” I screamed, scrambling to my feet. “It’s up to you now to save him! Make it count!”

It was all a bit much for me. I couldn’t stay here a second longer. Nothing was as it should be, and my whole goddamn life was in shambles.

My guilt weighed heavily on me. So heavily that I couldn’t face the music. Besides, the pain of leaving Past Payton was fresh and deep, and my heart was breaking. And Future Payton was perhaps dead. Why did love always have to hurt so much?

I walked farther and farther away from the two brothers while Sean pulled Nathaira’s knife across Payton’s chest. I saw that the cut wasn’t deep, but the fresh blood gushing out still made me nauseated. With a final glance at the face that I loved so much, I turned around and broke into a run.

My breathing got easier with every step that took me farther away from the cemetery. Slowly, the terror and shock of time travel subsided. I no longer shivered from my dreadful journey back but because it was a cold, damp fall evening.

Thick fog swirled around the rocks by Loch Duich, and I walked right up to the lakeshore. When I was a child, I had always found it comforting to stick my feet in the water of the lake by our house. And so I slipped out of my well-worn sandals and dipped my toes in the ice-cold water.

Straight away, my mind cleared.

I loved Payton. Leaving him was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to go back to him, back to Future Payton. Because if Sean should manage to save his life, then I would have to own up to what I’d done and wouldn’t be able to keep this terrible guilt to myself.

If I had only dared to tell him the truth sooner, I would have spared him a lot of pain and suffering. I would not make that mistake again, even if it meant losing his love.

And so apparently Nathaira had kept the upper hand. Our love had destroyed her plans. And now she was destroying us. Did she know this would happen when she let me go after that incident with Ross?

There was no answer to my questions, and so I just stared up at the sky whose dark evening blue was slowly turning to a soothing night black. Every star up on the firmament was in exactly the right spot. Why couldn’t I find the right spot for me? Why did I always have to wander, never knowing where I belonged?

My feet were numb from the cold, and I sat up, folding my legs under me so they would warm up again. In doing so, I realized I still had that small package that was now sitting in my lap.

Tenderly, I touched the leather wrapping, following the leather band with my fingers. With a big fat lump in my throat I tore the band off the package and unfolded the wrapping.

My heart stopped. Just one look, and I couldn’t believe it. Laughing and crying all at the same time, I unfolded the little note that accompanied the gift.

Sam,
mo luaidh,

You stumbled into my heart that night, and I realized how special you were before I ever found this. You don’t belong here, you said—but nothing could be farther from the truth. You belong with me, no matter what happens. Don’t leave me, for I’d rather die than be without you. Don’t leave me, for I love you.

But if you do, then do it because you love me, and then hold on to this. Because whatever you do, you are a part of me.

Mo luaidh, tha gràdh agam ort
.

Payton

With trembling fingers I held up his gift and pressed the soft fabric against my chest.

“It doesn’t matter what you have done, or what I have done. Guilt and shame and hatred cannot overshadow the only thing I am left with. I haven’t been able to forget about you, not ever since I watched you by the lake.”
I recalled his words silently in my mind.

Suddenly I knew where the right spot was for me, where I belonged. I bundled up the Black Eyed Peas T-shirt that he had returned to me, and ran barefoot back the way I had come. Tiny, pointy rocks dug into the soles of my feet, and with every little prick I found the way back to myself. The truth of who I really was washed all over me, and the strangeness of my experiences in the past faded into the background.

“Payton!” I yelled, praying that I wasn’t too late, that I still had a chance.

Love flooded my entire being when I saw him sitting up, his face distorted in pain but with a smile on his lips. Without regard for Sean, who was offering him a cup of water, I fell to my knees by Payton’s side and pushed Sean out of the way. I wanted to throw myself into his arms, but he looked so weak and sickly that I stopped.

“Thank God you’re alive. The blood is helping! I was so stupid! I was so confused. Can you forgive me?” I sobbed incoherently.

“Sam,
mo luaidh!
It’s not enough that I have had to wait for you for almost three hundred years and still almost died under Nathaira’s wicked curse. And now this? You will have to get used to sitting by my side every time I cheat death, like a good wife! And now get over here!”

Tears streamed down my face as he pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

When he finally sank back, weak and exhausted, I grinned from ear to ear and ran my finger over the scar on his chin.

“Sorry about that,” I whispered.

“Oh, this? No need to be sorry. This is nothing compared to the two hundred and seventy years I had to go without you! Now that I remember things, I realize how lost I really was during that time. I’ve missed you so much. Please, don’t ever leave me again,” he begged, and I could see the pain in his eyes.

I grabbed the dagger lying beside him, wrapped my fingers tightly around the blade, and looked him deep in the eye.

“Payton McLean, by my blood, I swear this oath to you: I will never leave you ever again. My life is yours.”

Sean grinned a wide grin as he handed me the cup that was part of his thermos bottle. There was no wine in it, so water would have to do. I dipped the blood-covered tip of the
sgian dhu
in it and handed the cup to Payton. Then I wrapped my hand in the embroidered linen cloth Fingal had given to me two hundred seventy years prior. It was a family heirloom in a way.

“My life for you, milady,” Payton replied, laughing, and he took a sip before pulling me close to his chest and kissing me deeply.