tucking the rings underneath. The shirt smelled funky. Stains from the frozen
burrito he"d forced down the night before covered the front. Better than going
without a shirt. At least in front of Lincoln.
Time to get everything out in the open.
He lunged for the front door and onto the porch before Lincoln got more than a
few feet up the sidewalk.
“Hey,” Lincoln said.
Looking in those dark eyes, Jay lost all his resolve. He wanted to go to the
man. Hold him. Kiss him. Get them naked and sink into Lincoln until everything
else fell away. But he couldn"t. All Jay could give Lincoln was the truth. He stepped
off the porch onto the sidewalk and kicked at a pebble with the toe of his shoe.
“Hey.”
Lincoln joined him, both men kicking at stray stones as if there was an
immediate need to clear every last inch of the concrete.
“You feeling better?” Lincoln asked.
“I think so.” Jay couldn"t find more stones to boot off the sidewalk. He wanted
to ask Lincoln why he"d come, but he couldn"t bring himself to say the question
aloud. Instead he said, “It wasn"t the Shaws sending you the notes. I know who it
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was now. They promised me they"re done with it. I think they were just trying to
scare you—make you sorry.”
“I
am
sorry.”
“I know that.” One look at the man in the courtroom video recording, at the
man Jay had first met in the bar, and there was no doubt about that.
Lincoln stared at Jay. “And taking Jessica"s medicine? That was more than an
empty threat.”
“I know. It"s done, though.”
“How"d you manage that?”
“Doesn"t matter.”
Lincoln took a step closer. “You pissed at me?”
“Nah. Just got all this stuff going on with my family.”
“Okay. You busy right now?”
“Told you, I"m heading over to my brother"s. We"re working on my Jeep.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Todd"s moving soon. He needs help packing up his house.”
Lincoln glanced off toward the street. “I"d offer to help, but hanging out with
your family doesn"t seem like something we"ll be doing anytime in the near future.”
Yeah. That was an understatement. If Lincoln went there to help, they"d be
lucky if Todd didn"t call their mom over to let her have at him. Jay tried to speak.
How was he supposed to tell Lincoln they were over—that whatever they were
becoming had to end—for both their sakes? How could he explain that in exchange
for keeping Lincoln and his family away from his mom"s torture, Jay had given him
up? Or that his mom had helped him see the real reason why this had to end?
“Are you done with me?” Lincoln asked.
Jay lifted his gaze “What?”
“I"m getting the impression your little gay experiment is over.”
“My what?”
“You heard me.” Lincoln crossed his arms, his biceps flexing, the wolf tattoo
jumping with the movement. “What am I to you?”
Jay couldn"t answer. He wasn"t sure himself.
“I get it,” Lincoln said. “No sweat, okay? I knew it was coming. We knew this
could never be anything.” Lincoln pulled several folded pieces of paper from his back
pocket. “Thought you might want to take a look at these.” He waved his other hand
through the air as if the papers were no big deal.
Jay reached for them. Their hands didn"t meet, but Lincoln kept his grip on his
end of the pages as if he wanted to force Jay to look at him.
When Jay didn"t, Lincoln released his hold, turned, and walked to the curb.
Jay waited until the man was out of sight before he went into the house. He shut
the door and leaned against it. Alone. Again.
Breathe
149
The seconds ticked off on the clock above the entertainment center. The only
clock in the house that ran on batteries. How long would it keep on chugging away
until it finally died without Katie there to tend to it?
His stomach in knots, Jay wandered across the living room. The lack of
breakfast and the beers he"d drank made vomiting a possibility. Was it always this
shitty to break up with someone? No. This was about more than that. This was
about losing his first chance at happiness in a year—his first chance at more than
he imagined he"d have again.
He stared at the books he"d knocked to the floor. He picked one up and set it on
the shelf. Only then did he remember the papers in his other hand. Information on
the history and education programs at Indiana University"s Fort Wayne campus. He
read several lines from the history brochure. The pages blurred, and the small type
jumped on the page. He tossed the materials onto the coffee table.
The glasses he needed for reading and hadn"t used in months were in his
nightstand drawer. He held them under the light of the bedside lamp and grimaced
at the dust and fingerprints covering the lenses. He wiped them on his shirttail, and
when that proved no help, he rinsed them in the bathroom sink and used a towel to
dry them. He went back into the living room, flicked on the lamp, and fetched the
papers.
A half hour later, he had read and reread every word. Lincoln had marked
three Native American history courses, and Jay liked what he read.
He scooped up the pages he"d scattered across the coffee table and headed for
the office in the back of the house. He turned on the computer. There"d be no hope of
reading anything through the one-quarter-inch layer of dust on the monitor"s
screen, so he went in search of something to dust with. He hadn"t done much
cleaning in the past year, and when he had cleaned, it was to sweep the visible dirt
and crumbs from the floor and throw the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. Dusting
was a bit fancier than he got. Didn"t he have one of those feather things that sucked
up the dust like a magnet picks up paper clips? Todd had used it once when he said
Jay"s TV was too dust-covered to watch football. Todd hadn"t stopped with the TV.
He"d proceeded to dust the entire house.
Jay found the blue feather duster under the sink in the kitchen and used it to
clean the computer screen. By the time he finished, the system had booted. Good
thing he hadn"t canceled his cable bill. Included in the monthly package was his
Internet access.
When he"d been in school over a year ago, he planned to transfer to a four-year
college after completing his associate"s degree. Three universities within driving
distance offered teaching programs. The Fort Wayne campus was the closest. At the
time of the accident, Jay had been a year away from transferring and hadn"t
checked into the specifics of each school. Once Katie was gone, he didn"t give a shit
about any of it.
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After reading the papers Lincoln had brought, he craved more information. He
searched the university"s Web site for course catalogs, application materials, and
student financial aid programs.
He read a detailed description for a Native American course titled Family
Units. It reminded Jay of something he"d read in high school. He opened another
browser window and did a search for Iroquois customs and myths. When he came
across a list sorted by category, he clicked on the heading “The Importance of
Uncle.” He read the page.
Just as he thought. There was more of his grandfather in Lincoln than the
man realized.
* * *
Lincoln stepped into the house and winced at Nancy"s shouted words. He
folded over the top of the paper sack with the bottle of Jack inside. The television
set was on but the living room was empty. The voices carried down the hall.
“Why?” Adam screamed. “Uncle Lincoln smokes, and you don"t say nothing to
him.”
He knew that was coming. Might as well face the music. She"d have at him
later anyway, and he needed to have a talk with Adam.
“It doesn"t matter what your uncle does,” she said. “You"re my son.”
Lincoln dropped off the paper sack in Davy"s room and went to stand in front
of Adam"s open door. The kid was sitting on his bed, his thumbs moving over the
buttons on his cell phone. Did the kid text twenty-four/seven? Lincoln hadn"t known
enough people in his entire life to message so damn much.
“You have to think before you act,” Nancy said. “Your little brother looks up to
you.”
Adam rolled his eyes and went back to his typing. “Jeez, Mom. It"s not my
fault. You cram him in my room like I"m some sort of kid. I can"t be responsible for
what Davy"s gonna do.”
“Yeah, you are,” Lincoln said as he entered the room. “That"s how life works.”
Adam looked at him for a moment, then shut the phone and flung it onto the
bed beside him.
Nancy returned her attention to her son. “Your actions have consequences. It"s
not healthy for you. It"s not healthy for your family.”
The cell phone beeped. Adam rolled his eyes at his mom"s words and picked up
the phone. A quick read of the screen and he tapped buttons again. “I get it.
Cigarettes kill. Nicotine is addictive. Blah blah blah.” He spoke the words in a
singsong mock of every public service announcement on the subject. His thumbs
never stopped the texting.
Lincoln marched across the room and yanked the cell out of Adam"s clutches.
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151
“Hey!” Adam whirled onto his knees and grabbed for the phone.
Lincoln kept it out of reach. “Show some respect. Do you know how hard your
mom works? How much she sacrifices for you kids?”
“Right. Her life sucks "cause she got pregnant when she was eighteen. I got the
message.”
Nancy stepped closer to the bed. “I never said my life sucks. I wouldn"t trade
you kids for anything.”
“Mom, I"m not going to mess up.” Adam gave her a pleading look. “I hung out
with the guys and tried a smoke. No big deal.” He glared at Lincoln. “I listened to
the lecture. Can I have my phone back?”
Lincoln shoved the cell into his pocket and folded his arms over his chest. “Not
a chance. I haven"t given
my
lecture.”
Adam"s eyes widened, and he sank onto his heels.
“Your sister has trouble breathing as it is. She doesn"t need you smoking
around here.”
Adam opened his mouth to speak, but Lincoln held up a hand to stop him.
“Yeah, I"ve been smoking since I got back, but I"m damn careful about it. I
never smoke in the house, and I always change and wash up when I get home. It"s a
bad habit, and I"m quitting. I haven"t smoked in days. You don"t need to start
something that isn"t healthy for you, something you"ll have to watch yourself with
around Jessica. It"s reckless. It"s stupid—”
“I"m not stupid.” Adam jumped off the bed and went to the door. He held it
open as if the action would give the adults a clue about leaving him alone.
Lincoln didn"t budge. “I didn"t mean you"re stupid.”
“Can"t you trust me?”
Lincoln moved to stand in front of him. “This isn"t about trust. This is about
expecting you to start acting like a grown man. To think before you make a mistake
that"ll hurt your sister.” Lincoln clenched his jaw. He needed to shut the hell up. He
was not the person Adam needed to hear shit like that from.
Adam met his gaze. “I wouldn"t hurt her.”
“I know. I just don"t want you to make a mistake and regret it later.”
The words seemed to penetrate. Adam"s posture eased, and he nodded. “Can I
have my cell now?”
Lincoln handed over the phone and stepped into the hall with Nancy. Had he
made a mistake? He"d never been that hard on the kid. Smoking wasn"t the worst
thing in the world. There were a lot bigger mistakes the kid could make.
Adam shut his door without another word, and Nancy glared at Lincoln. “I was
handling it.”
“He needs a father.” He needed someone whose advice wouldn"t sound like a
hypocrite talking.
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“Well, there"s nothing I can do about that.”
“I didn"t say it was your fault.” Lincoln headed for the living room. “It just
pisses me off.”
She followed. “He doesn"t need a father. It would"ve been nice, yeah, but he has
me. And you. Even when you move out, you"re still his uncle, and no one is a better
role model for him.”
Lincoln plopped onto the couch. “Jail. Smoking. Booze. Unprotected sex.
Explain how I"m a good role model?”
“You"re a great uncle, a great brother. You take care of us better than anyone.
We wouldn"t have a place to live without you.”
“Kids don"t see that shit. He sees an uncle who served six months.” Lincoln
hated feeling sorry for himself, but it kept pouring out of him. Nancy always drew
out the raw truth. Nancy and Jay.
“We"re back to this? Why don"t you—wait!” She sat beside him. “Unprotected
sex? It"s that serious?”
Not likely
. “We"re through. He doesn"t want me.”