Breathe: A Novel (25 page)

“So how’s the new apartment?” she asked. My mom was intuitive. Just the thought of my little home brought a smile back to my face.

“It’s amazing. I can’t wait for you to see it. I love living alone, having time and space to read, write, meditate—”

“Meditate?”

“Yeah, I’m not very good at it yet, but it’s helped me a lot lately.”

“That’s wonderful, honey. I am so happy to hear it.” She paused and looked at me. “So are you alright?”

I thought about denying my pain, glossing over it like I had during all of our phone calls. But being there in her presence—warm, wise, and patient—I couldn’t do it. I wanted to tell her. I missed the closeness we once shared, pre-Tripp, pre-New York. Besides, there really was no small talk with Maggie Greene.

“No.” My tears were about to spill over. “I’m hurt and humiliated. And I know you never liked him, Mom.”

There. I said it.

Her face softened with sympathy.

“It’s not that I didn’t like him, Alex. I just felt like I knew him.” She peered into her mug.

“Like you knew him? What do you mean?” She was still for several moments and seemed to be choosing her words carefully.

“Honey,” she said. “I know that world. Know it well. Louise’s world, Tripp’s world.” It was hard to imagine that she could ever comprehend the pressure and exclusivity I had experienced, seeing her here in this modest, rustic home, wearing baggy jeans and dad’s flannel.

“Everyone ‘knows’ it, mom, but not everyone gets to be a
part
of it.” I had never said that out loud to anyone; it sounded horribly self-important.

Mom scanned my face.

“It was my world, too.” She took a slow sip of tea. “I was raised by a ‘Louise.’ Another woman who lost her soul trying to be perfect: the lovely wife in the beautiful home with the tidy children and fancy cars.” She took another sip. “And Alex, because I am inspired by your bravery, I want to share a difficult truth with you too. My dad traveled all the time, apparently with different women in each city.”

My jaw dropped, “What? Did she know?”

“Of course. A woman knows. It’s just whether or not she chooses to acknowledge it. I watched my beautiful, powerful mother become a bitter shell. Eventually all that mattered was someone else’s idea about how we were supposed to look and act. Instead of Stanford, Harvard was our family Alma Mater. And sweetheart,” she said, shaking her head, “if I had to tap dance for one more pompous, drunk Crimson alum . . . ” She laughed. “Look, I still get all worked up.”

I never knew my grandparents. They died before I was born. Mom had told us stories about her childhood, mostly about riding and working in the garden, practices she’d brought to her new life in the West. And I recalled her saying that Nanny bought dresses that itched and shoes that pinched. I’d been told Mom grew up in New Canaan, Connecticut, but I had never been there. And as far as I knew, she’d never been back.

I was stunned. As I sat there silent, trying to grasp it all, I watched my mother stand to grab a box of biscotti and sit back down. She was stunning, though she never tried to show it. Her silver hair hung thick and straight to her shoulders, and her big, hazel eyes were framed by long, dark lashes. She, like me, was small but strong. She offered me a cookie.

“So in a way, my heart goes out to Tripp. And Louise. Honestly, they make me sad. You can’t blame a person for their path. But I admit that I couldn’t understand why you would choose that life over this one. It was your dad who kept trying to remind me that this is your journey and not mine, so I don’t get to choose for you.” She took my hand. “But since we’re being honest here, I’ll confess my first thought when you told me Tripp was leaving.”

“What was it?” I asked.

“Hallelujah!” she shouted to the rafters.

The dogs snorted and sat up, ready to defend us.

“Shhhhhhhhhhh,” Mom commanded. Slowly, they wilted back onto their pillows.

It was silent for a moment, then we burst into quiet laughter.

“Okay, then I’ll be honest too.”

“There’s more?” She was still laughing.

“Tripp cheated on me.” Mom stopped and looked at me. “With his yoga instructor.”

“You’re not serious?” she asked. I nodded. I saw her trying to contain a growing smile.

“It’s okay, Mom. It’s hilarious, really.” We both started laughing again. This time we couldn’t stop.

Why stop?
I could hear Haley say.

Two hours and two pots of tea later, I looked at the clock. It was coming up on midnight, and Mom could barely stifle her yawns.

“Time to hit the sack, sweetheart,” she said, leaning over and kissing me on the forehead. “I’m so happy you’re home. Want to come to yoga with me tomorrow morning?” We both knew the significance of this invitation.

“I’d love to. I brought my mat,” I replied.

“Well, well. How you’ve changed, my grown-up little girl.” She stood up smiling. How many times had she invited me join her in yoga? Finally, I was ready.

I climbed the creaky staircase and stopped to look at the pictures lining the walls. My mom and me tubing the Rogue River when I was six; Jackson and me at twelve and nine, roasting marshmallows by a campfire; and my favorite, all four of us spring snowshoeing the year Jackson graduated from high school. I had to give my parents credit; they made sure we spent a lot of time together. When Jackson turned sixteen and started driving, they instituted a sibling date night once a week. Although the evening usually started with eye-rolling and bickering, we spent many Friday nights at the bowling alley, batting cages, or movies, then grabbing pizza at Pappy’s. They were some of my favorite memories.

I missed Jackson terribly.

As I approached the top of the stairs, the pictures were more recent. Jackson and Erin on their wedding day at her parent’s ranch in Montana. My nephew, Nick, holding his brand new baby sister, Olivia. I had missed last Christmas, opting to go with Tripp’s family to Aspen instead. Now Nick was six and Olivia was almost two. I hadn’t seen them in a year, and they barely knew their aunt. I would have to change that, and resolved to call Jack to arrange a spontaneous visit to Montana.

In my room, I looked around at the pictures and ribbons, the wood panels whose knotholes I knew so well. I moved my bag to a wicker chair in the corner of the room, pulled back my quilt, and snuggled down under the soft, flannel sheets. I had just closed my eyes when I heard my phone vibrate and quickly picked it up.

Right back at you, Oregon.
Attached was a picture of Billy on top of Andy’s truck.

I smiled, turned my phone off, and drifted to sleep.

***

The next few days were filled with yoga, riding, and talking shop over the Scrabble board, just as I had predicted. My parents wanted to know all about the Rescue; and they described their latest efforts in the community; Mom with her volunteer horse therapy, and Dad with art education.

As for the yoga, it was different than what I was used to, but I was enjoying the change. The classes were slow-paced and small, with no more than five students. We started with at least twenty minutes of
Pranayama
breath work, and from there, moved into one or two sun salutations and not more than five other poses. The instructor even included a few partner poses that had Mom and me rolling on the floor laughing. I could feel my tight grip on life and the people in it relaxing.

Five days after arriving home, giggling voices pulled me out of my deep sleep, and I was momentarily confused. Kids? My eyes popped open when I heard the pitter patter of little feet approaching my door.

“You go in first,” squealed a child’s voice.

Nick? Olivia? I jumped out of bed and threw open the door.

“Auntie A!” Nick screamed. Olivia toddled in after him. I marveled at how big and beautiful my niece and nephew had become. Nick still had that mischievous smile and, after a few moments of shyness, jumped on the bed while Olivia struggled to climb up the side.

“Come here, sweet girl,” I said, and picked her up.

“Mommy said we shouldn’t open the door, because you were still sleeping, but you’re awake!” Nick announced. “Want to build a snow fort with us?” I loved how Nick believed his two-year-old younger sister to be just as capable as he was. Just like Jackson. “Daddy said you are really, really good at building forts.”

“No fort. No fort.” Olivia didn’t quite have her ‘s’ sound down.

“Of course we can,” I answered. “Just let me brush my teeth and get dressed.”

Jackson appeared in the doorway, smiling in his usual, laid-back way.

“What’s up, little sis?” he asked. “It’s been a long, long time.”

“Are you surprised we’re here?” Nick asked. “Daddy said that we were surprising you and that you didn’t know we were coming.”

“You did surprise me, buddy. This is the best surprise ever,” I said, going over to give Jackson a hug. Nick and Olivia were waiting for me to get back in bed. Giggling, I jumped in between them. The bond I felt with these children was immediate. I had so underestimated the power of family.

“Erin’s making pancakes,” Jackson said, leaning against the doorframe. “Want your usual chocolate chip and banana? Or have you switched to gluten-free carob chip? Mom says you’re really into this New Age-y thing.” He never missed an opportunity to tease me.

“Ha! No, Jackson, chocolate reigns supreme,” I answered.

“C’mon kids. Let’s give Auntie A a few minutes to get ready. I’m sure you two will have her very busy these next couple of days,” he said, scooping a child under each arm and leaving my room.

Fill your cup.

Impulsively, I picked up the phone. It was a task I’d been putting off, but my heart was so full that I finally felt inspired, like I could accomplish anything, even convince Haley to find her own place. Lovingly. Compassionately. Now that Jackson was here, I really wanted to get it over with and not have to think about it over the next few days.

“Why helloooo, stranger,” Haley answered. “Finally you’re calling us back. I was thinking that you were lost in the wilderness and had forgotten about your bff back here in Frisco.”

Us? Did she just say us?

I so hoped she was talking about herself, Billy, and Bitzi.

“Morning, Haley. No, I didn’t forget about you. I’ve just been busy. Jackson surprised me this morning, and we’ve been doing the whole family thing,” I replied, wanting to bypass any small talk and get to the point.

“Well, you called at just the right time. Andy and I are heading over to Galen’s class right now, aren’t we babe?” I paused. Heading to yoga together? Why was Andy there? Had he spent the night? No, that would be ridiculous. But it was only seven in the morning.

I gripped my phone.

Quick! What am I supposed to do? Oh, right:‘notice.’

So.

Instead of judging myself, I simply “noticed” my response. Churning stomach? Hm. Pounding heart? Interesting. Was I jealous? Angry? Maybe I didn’t need to label or decide anything right now. I forced myself to take a long, enlightened breath.

“Haley,” I croaked, cleared my throat, then tried again. “Haley, I only have a minute, but I just need to ask you to look for a place while I’m away.”

“Al, you don’t really want us to move, do you? We’re just hitting our stride, girl! Don’t get me wrong, I
will
live in Pacific Heights some day.” There was a muffled sound, like she put her hand over the phone. “But in the meantime, your little love shack is working out just fine.”

I heard something in the background. Billy? Andy? Frantic, I began spinning my wheels. Haley was occupying my life! I remembered Nancy’s sage advice about boundaries and forced myself to set them once again, trying to remain calm.

“I know it’s tough, Haley. Believe me, I do. But I’m serious. I want to live in my own apartment when I get back. Alone.”

She sighed.

“Andy, it looks like we’ve got plans after yoga today, or Bitzi and I will be out on the street by New Year.”

Andy responded, his voice close to Haley’s phone. I couldn’t decipher his words. Was he talking to me? Should I answer him? The confusion was too much. I wrapped up the conversation, said goodbye, and shut off my phone, resolving it would stay that way for my last week home.

“Auntie A, what took you so long?” asked Nick.

“Sorry, guys. I had to make a quick phone call.” I dropped onto a stool between the two kids.

Erin came over from the stove to give me a long hug.

“Have we ever missed you!”

“I’ve missed you, too. But I’m back now, I promise,” I said, putting my arms around Olivia and Nick. My absence from family vacations and camping trips had not gone unnoticed. “Okay, and don’t tell me that
you
are doing
yoga
. I told Jackson he was full of it when he told me that.” She had discovered yoga after having Nick. I used to tease her and mom when they talked about it.

“Yeah well, some of us are little slow.”

“A little slow! You’d think your mom and I had joined some sort of cult, the way you dug your heels in about trying it with us.” She laughed as she cut Olivia’s pancakes.

“Yep, and now I have no idea what I would have done without it.”

“I can do crow pose,” Nick chimed in, his mouth full.

“Yes, Auntie Alex, if you need any pointers, Nick is quite a yogi himself,” Erin said.

“Awesome, bud,” I said to Nick. “Maybe you could give me a class later.” I turned back to Erin. “I found an incredible teacher in the city.”

“Mom said that’s not the only guy you met in the city,” Jackson called from the mudroom.

“Mom, seriously, I told you we were just friends,” I said, and poured two little glasses of juice.

“Honey, all I said was that you found a really nice friend. And I only brought it up because I knew Jackson would be interested in Andy’s work.”

“Yeah, Alex, are you helping him with the garden stuff, or do you guys just go to yoga and get sweaty together?” He asked, piling up hats and mittens.

“Actually he’s getting sweaty with Haley in yoga right now,” I blurted.

Non-reactivity, Alex?

My mom didn’t miss anything.