Breathless (92 page)

I roll my eyes. “That’s not true. I went sightseeing the other day.”

“That’s good. You should get out and see Boston. I love it here, and I’d love it…” Ryan shakes his head.

“What were you going to say?”

“Nothing. Please eat.” He motions to the soup sitting in front of me. As much as I don’t want to, I take a sip and let the warm broth cure my ailment. Ryan sits on the edge of my bed, his arms resting on his knees. I hate that he’s not looking at me, but I did that. Once again, I’ve screwed things up.

“I’m sorry, Ryan.”

Ryan sits up and rubs his hands on his shorts. “Don’t be sorry for something you meant. We broke up, Hadley, and now here we are. Things are awkward and feelings are in the way. We left a lot of stuff unsaid and if we want to get past this, we need to talk it out.” Ryan stands, walking over to the wall and leaning against it.

“I love you, Hadley. I have for a long time, but when you put your career in front of us, something had to give. I know you can probably say the same thing about me, but I refuse to be a kept man. I don’t like the way it feels. I want to work and provide a home. I don’t want a wife who is doing it all while I sit around and watch TV. That’s not me.

“I asked you to marry me and every time a date was set, it changed because of a tour or a new album. It was always something, and I couldn’t live like that. I
can’t
live like that. I accepted your job from day one, that’s never been a problem. What I can’t accept is a wife who is never home, who goes on year-long tours and expects to raise children on a tour bus.”

Tears fall as Ryan finishes telling me everything that he wants. There’s nothing to dispute; he’s right about everything. I just didn’t know he was right until it was too late. It took the birth of Alex and Cole’s daughter to open my eyes. Seeing my best friend with her baby really made me stop and think.

Ryan clears his throat. “I know I said I didn’t want children right now, but since Dylan had her daughter, I think I’ve changed my mind. No, I know I have, but I can’t do that with you unless you’re willing to stop touring so much. It’s the tours that kill me, Hadley, not the music. Not the paparazzi or your recording schedule. It’s the tours that take eight months or over a year. You’re Hadley Carter, America’s Pop Princess – give America a break and stay home, enjoy life. No one is going to fault you for wanting to settle down. They’ll all still be there.”

“I understand,” I mumble through my tears. Ryan steps forward and kisses my forehead.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

With that, he walks out of my room. I sob the moment the door to my hotel room shuts because I’m not so sure he’ll call tomorrow or if I’ll ever see him again.

Chapter 12 – Ryan

It’s been two days since I last saw Hadley. I didn’t call her like I said I would. I couldn’t bring myself to. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her or even see her, I just couldn’t do it. When I left her in her hotel room, I heard her break down and it took everything in me to keep walking. Had I gone back, I would’ve most likely done something I’m not ready for or sent her the wrong message. As much as I love her, I’m not sure being together is the answer. It would be too easy to fall back into the same pattern. I have no doubt the initial return of us would be explosive and sensational, but what happens when the newness wears off and we’re back to facing the same issues? What happens if she doesn’t like Boston as much as I do and is adamant we return to New York, or worse, we end up divorced because of it? I can’t have that. When I marry, I want it to be until death do us part. I know the statistics on celebrity marriages, and they don’t bode well.

My phone mocks me, and I find myself looking at it every few minutes. My hand twitches as if it knows I want to call her, but I can’t. The pile of contracts in front of me that need to be reviewed can and will take me all day. I need to focus on my job and not whether or not I’m going to rekindle my love affair with Hadley Carter.

I rub my hands over my face, groaning with each pass over.

“Tough day?”

I look up to find Jessica standing in my doorway, her arm full of folders. “Hey you,” I say, hoping that she and I are on the good side of things. She walks in and sits in front of my desk. A week ago, she would’ve walked over to where I’m sitting, but things have changed. I take her in, study her for a moment. She doesn’t look upset or even angry with me.

“I’m good, Ryan.”

“That’s good,” I reply as I lean back in my chair. “I’m really –”

She holds up her hand to stop me. “You don’t have to say you’re sorry. I’ve known for a while that you still loved her. It’s hard to forget that first love, the one that is so powerful it consumes you fully. Someday I hope to have those feelings for someone, and I think you’re both incredibly lucky to have found each other.”

My lips press into a thin line as I shake my head. This woman, the one in front of me, is beyond amazing. I wish I had met her at a different time in my life. Thing is though, I’ve only known Hadley.

“You’re amazing,” I tell her with a small head shake. “I don’t know how I ever got so lucky with you, but someone is going to be very, very lucky to have you, and I’m sorry. If I had thought that Hadley would come back the way she did, I would’ve never started anything with you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

Jessica leans forward reaching for my hand. I give it to her willingly. “I’m not hurt, Ryan. A little sad, yes, but I consider you my friend, and we had a great time together.”

I smile. “We did, didn’t we?”

“Boss, I need help.” Jessica and I break apart when my star third basemen, Ethan Davenport, walks in. Ethan was a top a recruit out of college. Every major team wanted him whether they had a third baseman or not. The Renegades were lucky. We had the room to pay him, meet his contract needs and desperately needed him on the field. The problem with Ethan is, he’s twenty-one, six-foot-two with light blue eyes and dark hair, a little bit crazy and has a gaggle of women hounding him on a nightly basis. Of course, he told social media where his apartment is, so that’s not helping. He’s Boston’s most eligible bachelor and loves playing that role. Right now he’s pulling on his hair, which is a telltale sign that he’s agitated. I learned that this last year when I was recruiting him.

“I’ll see you guys later. Ryan, don’t forget we have a three o’clock.”

“I’ll be there.” I watch her walk-out and wait for the pain of not having her in my life to set in. When it doesn’t, it only tells me what I already know. “Have a seat, Ethan.”

Ethan sits in the chair that Jessica just left. His leg starts bouncing immediately and his eyes dart all over the room. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was on drugs, but he’s not. He’s the poster boy for clean health and even though he frequents the bars, he’s never caught drinking. I don’t know what he does behind closed doors, but at least in public he’s not out embarrassing himself.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to be the boss around here. Being the youngest GM in history, it puts me close to most of my players’ ages. Some of them, not all, think that we’re buddies. They forget that I call the shots and can trade them or not renew their contracts. It’s a hard pill to swallow for these guys. At times, I’d love to be their buddy, but at the end of the day, I’m their boss and lines can’t be crossed.

“What’s going on?” I ask, ready to tackle whatever problem he has.

“Okay, so you know that Renegades blogger?”

I nod.

“Well he or she, I don’t know who it is, but they keep writing about me.”

I lean forward and clasp my hands together. “They’re allowed. You’re a public figure, playing a public game and its freedom of speech. I’ve seen the blog; there’s nothing derogatory being posted.”

“Boss, they post about when I pick my nose. Not about my stats or anything like that.”

I stifle a laugh. “So, stop picking your nose, Ethan.”

He rolls his eyes and fidgets with the arm rests. “I can’t… I mean I can, but my hands have to be doing something while I’m waiting for the ball.”

When we acquired Ethan, I had him tested for a tic disorder, nerve damage, anything the doctors could think of and everything came back normal. This kid can’t sit still, no matter how hard he tries.

“Listen, you’ve done a great job keeping your head in the game. So what if this person blogs about your on-field antics. My suggestion is to stop reading the blog and stop looking up your name online because if it’s not this blog, it’s going to be the next one that has something to say. Read ESPN. They’re accurate and have all your stats updated.”

“Am I interrupting?”

My head springs at the sound of Hadley’s voice. Against my will, a smile spreads across my face when we lock eyes. Ethan turns in his seat and mutters, “whoa.” I want to throw my pen at him, but resist.

“Come on in, we’re just about finished.”

Ethan turns back around and leans forward. “Boss, that’s Hadley Carter!” he all but screams when he says her name.

“I know who she is, Ethan.”

“But how…?” he begs for an answer.

Hadley sits down next to him and his leg stops bouncing. He stares at her, much like the women stare at him. I’m staring too though because she’s rocking a pair of cut-off shorts and a tank-top. Her long blond hair is pulled up into a high ponytail and her sunglasses are sitting on top of her head. Her skin is sun-kissed and looking so much better than it was the other day when we were together. If I didn’t already have carnal knowledge of her body, I’d be on my hands and knees begging for her to give me an ounce of attention. I pull myself a little closer to my desk to hide the issue developing in my slacks. One thing’s for sure, Hadley knows how to push my buttons… all of my buttons.

Clearing my throat, more so to break my reverie so I can concentrate, I look at Ethan, who is still eyeing Hadley with a shit-eating grin on his face. “Hadley and I…” I stop because I’m not sure how to explain us without it coming out wrong.

“We were engaged once,” she blurts out.

Ethan’s head slowly turns and looks at me. I’m a statue, afraid of showing any emotion or confirmation. He shakes his head. “Man, boss, you’re one lucky bastard.” He gets up and leaves, shutting my door behind him.

“Well, that was interesting.”

Hadley starts laughing, which warms my cold interior. I’ve missed her and I don’t know why I keep fighting it. Life is supposed to be about following your dreams, taking risks and getting lost in love. I have my dream job. Hadley is definitely a risk. Getting lost in love with her is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

“Come here,” I say as I beckon her with my finger. She stands and walks over to me. I push my chair back and place my hands on her hips. I guide her to stand in between my legs and let my hands caress the back of her thighs. “You’re dangerous for me, Hadley, but I can’t stay away. I tried. I thought if I ignored you, you’d go away, and I could just push away these feelings, act like they don’t exist, but I can’t. With that said, it scares me that after a few months, I was able to move on, or try to move on. I don’t want to feel like that.”

“I don’t either.” Her fingers push through my hair, a feeling that I’ve missed.

“Will you move to Boston?”

She nods. “Yes, I will.”

“Will you be my girlfriend? Can we date, be together and see where things lead us? I don’t want to rush into anything.”

“I’d really like that, Ryan.”

I stand quickly and pull her to my lips. The sensation coursing through me is new, almost as if we’ve never kissed before. I have an uncontrolled storm rolling through my body right now, and she’s the umbrella that’s going to keep me dry.

When I pull away, I rest my forehead against hers. She’s breathing heavily, while I’m barely hanging on.

“Sorry, I just had to know,” I whisper against her lips, unable to keep my lips off of her.

“Know what?”

“If you’re still the one for me.” My words linger in air as my smile grows wide, assuring her that yes, she is the one. The only one for me.

If her smile is any indication by how happy she is, I’d say she’s on top of the moon… or charts in her case.

Chapter 13 – Hadley

It’s been six months since I moved to Boston, and I have no regrets. The spring weather quickly turned humid and at times unbearable, but I managed to get through it with my trusty air conditioner. With fall approaching, I’m seeing more and more tourists flocking to all the right locations.

A favorite of mine is sitting on the park bench at Faneuil Hall and watching the street performers. A few times, I’ve brought my guitar and sang, but it’s not too often that I can do that unless I set up some type of security.

The one thing I haven’t grown accustomed to is a true Bostonian accent. The words they say often result in me staring bug-eyed at them and shaking my head. There’s a group of them that sit behind Ryan and me at each ballgame. They get rowdy and sometimes throw their beers at unsuspecting Yankee fans. It’s a love/hate relationship.

I’ve become a fan of the Renegades and while I’m still learning the game, it’s enjoyable to watch. Most importantly, it’s giving Ryan and me some much needed time to be together. My tour will start in the spring once Ryan’s back to work. We agreed that I’d tour while he’s working, only one month overseas and nothing after the month of October. I owe it to my fans, the ones I cancelled on, to finish out the tour. The press hounded me for about two weeks into my stay in Boston and I finally came clean, appearing for the first time in years without my engagement ring.

Ryan and I opted to donate it to charity. He said if we’re to travel the path of an engagement again, he’ll get me something new, something that’s not tainted with bitterness and anger. We still live in separate apartments, and I think that’s something we needed. When we got back together six years ago, we started living together right away. No dating, no courting, just together and sharing everything. This time around, things are different, better. We talk more. We make plans to see each other. We surprise each other at work. We’re more spontaneous and not acting like we’ve been married for years.