Authors: George McCartney
‘No fucking
way
. This guy is ten years younger, for a start.’
‘
And
at least a stone and a half lighter.’
‘
And
he doesn’t have any wrinkles or big bits of loose skin around his neck.’
'Hey, wait a minute. Get fucking Trading Standards on the phone,’ muttered a disgruntled loser, with a litigious streak. ‘Jack Davidson looks absolutely
nothing
like this guy.’
‘I agree,’ added his rather fey companion. ‘
This
is a good looking guy. And wearing that sweet retro tuxedo, he could be George Clooney’s body double or even the next James Bond. I’d go out on a date with him myself, in a heartbeat.’
Peggie then brought the impromptu competition to a close. ‘Okay everybody, stop. I’m getting bored with this. We have a winner and it’s the wee fat guy wearing the specs, with the horrible dog breath, who correctly recognised Jack Davidson. Well done, Shug, or whatever your name is. You win a night of free beer, pal. But don’t go mad, okay?’
As the stream of catcalls and laughter directed towards him gradually subsided, Jack held his head in his hands and groaned, ‘this is terrible, Annie. I'll definitely need to find another boozer, because I can't show my face in here ever again. I’m a complete laughing stock.’
Having also been on the receiving end of Peggie’s sharp tongue and sarcasm, Jamie whispered sympathetically to Jack, ‘you know how I joked before about offering to kill someone for the five thousand? Actually, I’d do
her
for nothing.’
Feeling more than a tinge of guilt Annie said, ‘wait a minute, boss, I’ve got an idea.’
She stood up on her chair and tapped her glass, until she had everyone’s attention, before addressing the crowded bar. ‘As my auntie Peg just said, the guy who correctly identified Jack is the winner, so congratulations to Shug. But I have a confession to make, because it was actually me who doctored Jack’s picture, with Photoshop, and then made up all of his profile details. I wanted to encourage him to have a go at online dating, so I posted it for a laugh just to see what would kind of response there was. And it was incredible, because he got loads of replies from women all over the world. But it was really nothing to do with him, okay?’
‘Thanks for that, Annie. I might not need to emigrate after all.’
As the laughter died down and normal service resumed inside the Royal Bar, a succession of mature men sidled up to Annie, to offer large amounts of cash if she would her work her magic on their on-line profiles.
Jamie said goodnight at that point and tried, unsuccessfully, to slip out of the Royal Bar unnoticed. However, the eagle eyed landlady spotted him and sent him on his way with an ear-piercing wolf whistle and an invitation to come back and inspect her tattoos after closing time.
Alone together in the corner of the bar, Jack sat smiling and staring at his partner.
‘What is it?’ asked Annie.
‘You know what I’m thinking?’
‘I haven’t a clue. Although you might be considering quitting the internet dating scene.’
‘No, it’s not that. I’ve just been thinking that I liked working through in Edinburgh for a couple of weeks, but I really love being back in Glasgow.’
‘Well that’s just as well, because we both live and work here. Any particular reason why you prefer Glasgow?’
‘Okay, I know I’ve had the piss ripped out of me tonight, fair enough. But I don’t mind that because, although everybody had a good laugh at my expense, it was all done to my face. That’s the way things we do things here in Glasgow. Now it’s forgotten and there’s nobody whispering and sniggering behind my back.’
‘I wouldn’t be too sure about that, boss. Do you know what I’ve been sitting thinking?’
‘No, tell me.’
‘I’ve been sitting wondering if you’re ever going to get up off your butt and buy me another drink.’
‘Sorry Annie. Same again is it?’
‘No I fancy something different this time. While we’ve been away working, auntie Peg has started selling a few cocktails with a Glasgow twist and I helped her come up with some of the names. I think we should both have one now, to celebrate getting the bonus money from Guy. I took the liberty of pre-ordering earlier, so they should be waiting for us at the bar.’
‘Okay, great idea. What are they called?’
‘I’d like an
Innuendo
please … a
large
one.’
‘That’s very good, Annie, I like that. And dare I ask what the old witch has brewed up in her cauldron pour moi?’
‘Of course. You’re having
A Senior Moment,
boss.’
‘Cheers for that, Annie. You’re a real pal.’
*
George McCartney grew up in a Scottish mining community. After leaving school he was employed as an Environmental Health Officer by Edinburgh City Council. He has also worked as a taxi-driver, tried his hand at renovating property and latterly enjoyed a second career as a building surveyor, mainly writing reports on the condition of schools. But not in Edinburgh. That particular mess has absolutely nothing to do with me, guv. He divides his time between writing a third JD Investigations novel, caravanning with his copy editor and shouting at the television.
If you enjoyed this book, please take the time to post an Amazon review and if you have any comments or suggestions regarding Jack and Annie’s future exploits, get in touch at
[email protected]
and I will do my best to respond.
‘Fire in the Blood’
the first book in the JD Investigations series, is available in the Kindle store.
George McCartney