Broken (16 page)

“I’d rather you didn’t tell anyone.” I feel awkward saying it and, really, I don’t think she would anyway, but I need to make sure. “I know what it looks like, what people will think of me, what they
already
think of
him
. I’m not ready to deal with all that yet, not until I know where we’re going.”

Or if we’re going anywhere at all.

“Of course I won’t. I only asked you because I consider you my friend. I’m not into gossip, I promise you.”

“I know.” I smile. “And for the record I think of you as a friend, too. If I didn’t, I would’ve denied it.”

She grins and raises an eyebrow. “Like you did with Mike?”

“When Mike asked me there was genuinely nothing going on. Well, kind of. Ugh.” Rolling my eyes, I sigh. Then I spend the rest of my lunch break telling her everything, starting with the night I turned into a raging slut after nothing more than a smile from my mysterious stranger.

~James~

In
my office, our kiss fades, but I can’t bring myself to break away from Theodore. Resting my forehead on his, I breathe him in. His scent dances through my nose, uplifting me, intoxicating me.

“I have to leave soon,” I whisper, but damn I don’t want to let him go. “Mike and I have a lunch meeting with a client.”

I feel Theodore’s brow furrow against mine. “Why am I different?”

I take a step back, studying his face.

“To the others. To Ed, to…
Mike
.”

“Don’t do this,” I say, sighing as I back away a couple of steps further. “You know who I am, Theodore. I can’t take it back and not screw them.” I wouldn’t even if I could, though I don’t add that part. At the time, any man I’ve ever fucked was because I
needed
them in that moment.

“I know that,” he spits, huffing in frustration. “This isn’t about your past, it’s about
now
. The future.”

The future.
It’s something I’m not comfortable thinking about.

“You said it yourself, the first time I was just an easy shag. I just want to know why that wasn’t enough?”

“Do you wish it had been?”
Where is this coming from?

“No!” His quick response reassures me. “You’re so different with me. You have been from the start. I just wondered why that was, what makes me so special?”

“I don’t know the answer to that.” Sighing through my nose, I tuck my hands into my pockets and stare at him. “I feel comfortable around you. I don’t get that with many people.” With
anyone
. “Let’s flip it. You made it clear the way we met was a mistake, a one off, so why are
you
still here? What do you see in me?”

“I dunno.” Tilting his head to one side, Theodore smiles. “When you put it like that I see your point. Guess you don’t really have a say in who you fall in love with.”

All traces of expression fall from my face. My mouth dries and I stop breathing, though I know my heart still beats as it pounds like a jackhammer in my chest.

“I-I mean I’m not…I don’t…shit.” He doesn’t look at me. He
can’t
.

He doesn’t know me. I’m trying so hard to be a man worthy of his time, his trust, but…
love
? That isn’t possible. Not yet. Maybe,
probably
, not ever.

“James…”

I’m paralysed as he steps towards me, my feet welded to the floor.

Reaching out, he curls his fingers around my arm. “I’m sorry,” he mutters. “Can we just forget I said that?”

Why?
Did he not mean it? Was it merely a turn of phrase? My chest aches with disappointment which, in turn, makes me really fucking annoyed with myself.

Pressing my lips to his, I reassure him with a kiss because there are no words to describe the battle commencing in my mind right now. “I need to go. Mike will be waiting in the lobby.”

The look of unease on his face when I mention Mike’s name is subtle, but noticeable. I don’t like it but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t un-fuck Mike and, as his boss, I
have
to work with him.

“We’re okay, right?” he asks as I turn for the door.

“I’ll pick you up at seven.” I think my reply answers his question efficiently but just to be sure, I throw in a wink too.

After my meeting, I plan to go home and get my head straight. I need to be alone, with music as my only distraction, while I decide where my future is heading, and whether I’m taking Theodore with me.

**********

I don’t make it to my meeting. Instead, I tell Mike to deal with it alone, not bothering to conjure up an excuse. I don’t need to. I’m the boss and he has no choice but to do as I say. He’s not happy with me, but he never is, and I couldn’t give a crap if I tried. If I wanted my staff to fill the air with love, I’d own a dating website.

So now I’m lying back in the bath at my detached house in Alderley Edge, my arms draped over the sides. I slept well last night for the first time since my father passed away, yet I’m still tired. Maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time thinking about Theodore, trying to process what we mean to each other.

Love
. Such a small, yet utterly terrifying, word. I’d convinced myself things were different now, that
I
was different, that I was better. And I am…I think. But what if I’m not? He might not love me, but he cares, and if I’m wrong, if I
haven’t
changed, he doesn’t deserve to have to care about someone like me.

Either way, whatever feelings we hold for each other are only going to multiply. I know that because they continue to do so every time I see him. If I let this go any further without being honest, I could end up destroying both of us. If he’s going to leave me when he finds out the truth, and part of me still thinks he
should
, it’s better if he does it now before the time comes when he might say that small, terrifying word and actually
mean
it.

Looking down at my chest, brushing away the soapy bubbles, I laugh, mocking my ridiculous thoughts.

He will never love you. How could he? Look at yourself.

I’m forced to listen to the voice in my head because it’s telling the truth. How stupid of me to even
think
about that four letter word when I haven’t got the courage to show Theodore my body, let alone the demons that lurk deep inside my fucked-up mind. Deep down I
know
there is no future for Theodore and I. How can there be when I don’t even see one for myself? Theodore has fallen for an actor. An imposter. I tell myself I’m trying by revealing the parts of myself I know he wants to hear, but I’ve been playing the leading role in a movie about a
normal
person.

And I’m
not
normal.

I’m fucked-up.

Broken.

Irreparable.

And he needs to know. I can’t be what he wants me to be but I can give him what he deserves. The truth. The freedom to walk away. I’ve been a coward. A fake. I’ve played the part so well I started believing it was real. But it’s not. It’s a lie. A fantasy. The proof is written all over my chest.

I’m so tired. I’m slipping. I can’t bring Theodore with me. He means too much to me.

I need to let him go.

**********

My decision is made, but the restaurant I’ve brought Theodore to for dinner isn’t the right place to bring it up. So for now, I’m not acting, just enjoying what could be my last night with the man I’ve grown dangerously close to.

Both of our phones are laid out on the table and, although he ignores it, Theodore’s continues to light up every few seconds.

“You’re popular tonight,” I tease, flipping my gaze between his eyes and his phone.

“It’s just Facebook notifications,” he says, turning his phone over so he can’t see the screen.

“
Your
Facebook or TS Roberts’?”

His whole body freezes for a moment, his arm hovering mid air. “How’d you find that out?”

“When I read
The Beginning of Never
.”

He swallows slowly, his cheeks pinking. Damn, I’ve missed that adorable blush. “When?
How
?”

“When I stayed over, I saw it on your bookshelf. The only reason you’d have multiple copies of the same book is if you wrote it. I read it while you were sleeping.”

“You didn’t sleep?”

“No.”

“And…you stayed?”

“Yes.”

“
Why
?”

“Because I wasn’t ready to leave you yet.”
I’m still not. Dammit!
“You’re a beautiful writer, Theodore.”

“Of course you’re going to say that.”

His lack of confidence baffles me. I don’t think he has any idea how amazing and genuine he is, not just as a writer, but as a person.

“I’m not a sugar-coating kind of man,” I say, hovering my glass of sparkling water in front of my lips. “I thought you knew that already.”

Using his fork, he rolls the last few spirals of pasta around on his plate. “With others, sure, but I never know what to expect when you’re with me. I see a different side of you than everyone else.”

You have no idea.
“Do you want dessert?”

“I couldn’t,” he says, straightening his back and clamping one hand to his stomach. “I’m stuffed.”

Nodding, I wave the waiter over with my hand and ask for the bill. Disappointment floods my stomach. I’m not ready to leave yet, not brave enough to take him home and have the conversation I’ve been planning all afternoon.

I don’t object, as much as I want to, when Theodore pulls half of the bill from his wallet. Usually, I would, but it annoys him and I want to enjoy his smile for as long as possible.

“You’re quite good at this dating thing,” Theodore teases as we step outside the restaurant and start walking to my car. “I don’t know why you waited so long.”

“It took that long for me to find someone I
wanted
to date.”

“Careful, James. You’ll have me thinking you care about me in a minute.”

“I
do
care.” My voice is firm, my expression a deadly shade of serious.

His smile vanishes in an instant. “I was kidding. I wouldn’t be here if I thought you didn’t care.”

“Come home with me.”
Please say no.

“I’ll have to let Tess know. She’ll be expecting me home soon. It’s looking like she’s moving in on a more permanent basis.”

“Yeah?”

“I was going to ask her anyway, but then today her roommate said she wants to move her boyfriend in. On the plus side, they have two sofas and Tess is gonna bring one with her.”

“It’s only a one bedroom though, right?” I say as we slide into my car.

“She’ll have to put a bed in the living room or something. She’s annoying as shit to sleep with. She kicks, snores,
and
talks.”

I smile, but it’s filled with sadness. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to have a best friend, someone who you can share everything with, someone who loves you for who you are without the added complication of screwing them.

Theodore calls Tess while I drive. I’m taking him to my house in Alderley Edge, though I don’t think he knows that. I consider it my home, my private space. I’ve never taken another man there before, but Theodore isn’t just another man. He’s a first for me in so many ways, and no matter what happens between us tonight, he’ll be the last.

“Fuck me, this place is huge,” Theodore says, standing in the centre of my open plan ground floor. “How many bedrooms is it?”

“Five.”

“Don’t you get lonely having all this space to yourself?”

Like you wouldn’t believe.
“Not really.”

Theodore strolls slowly around the living room, analysing the artwork on the walls, the books on my shelves. “Wait,” he says, stopping abruptly and staring at me. “Have you brought me here to have sex? Because the ban hasn’t been lifted.”

“No, Theodore. I brought you here to show you who I am.”

“Rich? Because I sorta guessed that already.”

I laugh, but it’s forced. He thinks he’s getting to know me but he has no idea who I really am and a rack of guilt lies heavy in my chest. “Can I get you a drink?”

“Let’s just talk,” he suggests, taking a seat on the burgundy leather couch and patting the spot next to him.

Shrugging out of my jacket, I hang it up on the rack by the door and then join him. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Anything. Everything.” He falls silent for a moment, chewing his lip while he ponders. “School. What were you like in school?”

Depressed. Lonely.
“Boring,” I say with a fake smile. It’s amazing how powerful a smile can be, even a forced one. It’s all it takes to fool people into believing you’re not falling apart inside. “I pretty much kept to myself.”

“Did you like it though?”

“No.”

His expression twists into surprise. I think he’s going to ask me to elaborate but he doesn’t. “Good grades?”

“In the subjects I was interested in, yes. The others, I didn’t even bother turning up for the exams.”

“And what were your favourite subjects?”

“English language and literature, history, and art. I got A stars in each of those.”

“So you were a boffin, eh? The type that was too busy revising to hang out with friends.”

“I didn’t revise.” I didn’t socialise either. “I have what I think they call a photographic memory. Once something’s in there…” I tap on the side of my head. “It never leaves.”