Broken Barriers (Barriers Series Book 4) (3 page)

The container of Poppycock stared back at me, and I knew only Courtney would send this. We ate a tin of this a night during
that
summer on the nights when I worked out of Dad’s Boston office and somehow found a way to sneak up to see her. We watched movies and hung out just talking about life, and she made me laugh like no one else. Those were the nights I missed the most with Courtney. Sure, the sex was amazing and spontaneous, but it was the thought of those tender moments that pulled at my heart the most. I didn’t want to ask Josh right then about her. I was pretty sure he knew how much it would hurt to talk about her.

“Fuck if I care if she still cares.” The words slipped from my mouth without regard to her brother standing not more than a few feet from me. I didn’t know why I said it with such vain and coldness. Bottom line was, I was here, and she wasn’t. As far as I was concerned, everyone else around me could stop trying to direct my life when it came to dealing with Courtney.

I shook my head as his words about her still
caring
about me sank in. Then without a second thought, I turned and walked over to the trashcan, tossing the unopened container away. Was I upset with her for getting married to a guy who claimed to be able to give her everything and more? No. Okay, well, maybe a little. But, I was more pissed at myself for not being here to prevent her from doing it. If I were to finally try to take the steps toward healing, then my time here at the cottage needed to be spent ridding myself of just about everything about her.

Now, I knew coming back to the house with more than enough memories of her was not the brightest idea, but I didn’t exactly have too many options, unless I wanted to spend the greater part of the summer living with my parents in the house I grew up in.

That was not an option.

At least here I could have the solitude I needed to face the cold hard truth and finally get this shit in my head straight.

A hand slapped my shoulder from behind, and without a blink of an eye, I instantly went into another mindset. My heart raced, and all my mind envisioned was a narrow corridor of buildings as my team prepared to knock down the door of a known terrorist’s house. My hand flew over my shoulder and grabbed at the hand on me before pushing the body forcibly against the wall. I saw nothing during my quick movement except the image of the terrorist. When another hand wrapped around my wrist and was instantly pulled behind my back, I was pushed face first into the other wall as my head bounced against the hard surface. My breathing was out of control, and then I heard a voice in the distance telling me to calm the fuck down.

Another hard squeeze to my arm pinned behind my back and the voice inside my head told me that I was not in Afghanistan anymore. That was when my eyes focused on my surroundings, and I saw the stone fireplace and the lake in the distance. My breathing slowed as the ringing in my ears subsided, and I could feel the
kill-
mode anger that was radiating from my body begin to settle.

The grip on my arm at my back relaxed as my arm fell loosely to my side. I caught Josh move from behind me and knew that maybe, just maybe, my being here all alone wasn’t the greatest of ideas. I turned, bringing my hands over my face and through my hair. I rubbed them hard and slowly, hoping to erase the last few moments of my life.

Josh grabbed the two beer bottles off the counter and headed to the back door. “The fuck if I care how you feel about Courtney. If you want to stay up here alone, you better get that shit in your head straightened out fast. You hear me?” With one hand, he unlocked and opened the door, pushing the old weathered screen door open, motioning for me to follow him.

With a relieved heavy breath, I followed quickly behind him. If there was one person who might have understood what I’d been through during my Marine Corps training, it was Josh. He’d seen his fair share of shit as a police officer. Perhaps even some worse than me.

Pushing through the door, I stepped out onto the back deck. The creaky screen door slammed shut behind me. The fresh air hit my lungs as the warm summer sun filtered through the scattered old pine trees that sat just beyond the house along the water. Everything about summers on the lake had the ability to set me at ease, and a thin smile grew as I stepped down toward the dock where Josh was sitting.

The snap of a small twig beneath my feet caused Josh to look up as he adjusted the Adirondack chairs that sat at the end of the dock. Mom and Dad loved the sunsets over the lake and would sit here for hours watching boaters and swimmers in the horseshoe-shaped neck of Wolfeboro Bay.

Josh placed the other beer bottle on the arm of the chair and ordered me to take a seat. My shoulders slumped, and I knew I was about to get another version of the “big brother” talk. Josh was a pro at those now. He certainly had enough practice with his own younger siblings, Courtney being one of them.

“Drew,” Josh said. His tone pleaded with me to listen to what he might have to offer. I moved toward the seat and grabbed the beer before sitting down. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught him lean back in the chair and take a long pull from the beer bottle. I let the cool liquid flow down the back of my throat then. My hand scratched the day old scruff along my jaw, and I silently waited for whatever words of wisdom my big brother-in-law had for me.

“You ever hear the story about the three sluts on the train to Boston?” Josh asked. I choked a little on my beer as my head angled in his direction, and I noticed he was dead serious. I shook my head.

“I’m sorry. I think I must have heard you wrong. You want to say that one more time? Did you say sluts?”

“Yeah. Sluts. You know, they meet a ton of studs on the train and basically have a gang bang ride.”

I sat stunned in silence. Here I was expecting something in the form of advice from him, and he was talking about sluts and gang bangs. I couldn’t form the right possible words to respond. There had to have been a look of absolute confusion on my face since I wasn’t prepared for that at all.

“Drew.” Josh’s voice interrupted me from the millions of thoughts flowing through my head. I glanced up at him, and he had a look on his face that said it all. “Dude, you know I’m just playin’ with you, right?” Josh leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees before placing the beer onto the dock between his feet. “Listen, I have to believe that everything with you is going to be all right. I can’t go back home to Sam and tell her you nearly just took my head off in the house. She’s got enough on her plate with Dean right now. Damn kid is running her ragged.”

I took another long sip of beer before turning my attention to the boats that slowly made their way from the docks on the other side of the bay. Everyone was laughing and soaking up the sun. The marina was filled with happy people without a care in the world. In New Hampshire, the warm summer days were in short supply, but it was always the busiest time of the year for tourists and outdoor enthusiasts. There was always something about Lake Winnipesaukee that was Zen-like to any soul.

I didn’t know how long I planned to stay here this summer, but I knew being here in these surroundings was the best place for me to mend the wounds within my head and my heart. I needed to focus on getting back to the way life used to be and to be able to be around family and friends without causing them to fear being near me.

Even though the Marine Corps had given me a clean bill of health upon checking out, I knew for a fact the shit I’d seen would plague me for years. Add in the Courtney news and my head was more or less like that pinball machine right now. One of these days, no matter how many times those paddles hit the ball just right, there was always that moment you weren’t fast enough and the ball slipped down through the hole, and you realized the game was over and you fucked up.

I couldn’t let that happen. I needed to always be ready for any situation that came my way. I would not let myself lose this game.

I needed to do it for my family and for me. Right now, they were all I had.

“Josh.” I tilted my head and rubbed my hand over the back of my neck. “Tell Sam that no matter how broken I might appear at the moment, I will never
ever
hurt her or let her down. I would never live with myself, after all she’s been through.”

Thinking about what she had gone through, I knew now that no matter what my loss, nothing, and I meant nothing, would ever compare to what my sister had gone through. That one night in college when the asshole she was dating nearly killed her will forever be a haunting memory. For years, I watched her hide her feelings from the world until Josh came into her life. I might have saved her that night in college, but it was Josh who ultimately saved both of us. After Sam’s ex-boyfriend came after her again, I still had my sister because of him.

I had to make sure I got my life back on track, but I just wasn’t sure how.

Waking up to the soothing cadences of the loons on the lake and chirping birds outside my window was a lot different than waking up to the sounds of an incoming air raid alarm. I was lucky if I managed just a couple of hours of restful sleep in a single night.

I couldn’t sleep. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t get to that place where I could shut my eyes and drift off to a peaceful night of slumber. My adrenaline was still flowing, even after the alarms sounded almost two hours before. Camp Leatherneck was never a quiet place to be based. CH-53 Sea Stallion Helicopters, C-130s, and other military aircraft were a constant here. The base was located on the southern side of the Helmand Province and provided an easy gateway for most flights, but flight traffic didn’t stop just because we did. It was 24/7. I continued to lay here with my battery-powered night-light illuminating my bunk. My pillows had become uncomfortable behind my head and back a long time ago. The other guys were all in the same boat. Some were up listening to music on their headphones while others were typing out emails on their laptops to their wives and children back home.

We were fortunate to have wireless Internet in our bunks. Most times, the guys would video chat with their families, but not tonight. We were all still trying to come back down from that rush we all loved and hated at the same time.

My earbuds pumped an old playlist Courtney created ages ago with some of her favorite songs. Just about all my playlists consisted of good old-fashioned classic rock or grunge rock. Courtney’s mixes, albeit girlie and emotional, tended to have a calming effect that usually helped me remember those good times back home.

Tonight was not one of those nights. As if the air raid siren wasn’t enough to raise my blood pressure, the email I had received from Courtney taunted me on my laptop. My fingers hovered over her email with the subject line “Please talk to me.” All I needed to do was tap the button twice to read it; instead, I shut the screen down and tossed it next to me on the bed. No matter what I did at that moment, nothing would have settled me down.

This was my life now. I looked around at the guys in my unit. My brothers. One minute I thought this was the life I was destined to live. They had fought alongside me. But, then I wondered… should I have given this all up and stayed for Courtney instead of going active duty? I should have talked to Courtney and hashed this all out once and for all, but a part of me couldn’t do it. I knew once I did it and it was all out there said and done, my heart would be forced to shut that door I’d kept open for so long. I feared once that door was closed, I’d have nothing, and it scared me more than being in this war zone. She was still holding me together, and I couldn’t let that go.

For so long I slept on edge, knowing that I could have been called on at any second. My rifle was hung—locked and loaded next to my bunk. There was nothing pleasant about sleeping on a twin-sized mattress that smelled worse than it felt. Of course, the snoring of just one of my bunkmates was enough to keep me up for hours as well. Yet, that wasn’t the root cause of why I still had trouble sleeping.

Since coming home, it hadn’t been an easy adjustment to shut off that part of my life. Each night, I basically had flashbacks of that convoy that went terribly wrong. Just a few hours ago, my body jolted up in a state of panic. My skin layered in a cold, wet sweat that soaked through my tank top and my boxer briefs. But, my nightmares always ended the same way…
her
soft voice calling out my name right before my eyes opened and reality set in.

I sat here in the pitch-black of the night. The room only lit by the white light of the moon that seeped through the slats of the blinds. For nearly twenty minutes, I sat with my knees pulled into my chest. My arms draped over my knees with my head hung in defeat. The tears I wanted to cry wouldn’t come. They never did. Instead, I pounded my fist into the mattress a dozen or so times, releasing most of my pent-up anger into the soft pillow top, which in my mind was a hell of a lot better than putting a hole in the wall.

After stripping my wet clothes off, I walked naked to the kitchen. My stainless steel dog tags rattled against my bare chest with each step. I grabbed a cold bottled water from the fridge before coming back to bed. The sleeping pill bottle had been within reach for nearly two years. That part of my life hadn’t changed, and I popped two more of those pills that clearly only gave me a couple of hours of nightmare-free relief.