BROKEN BLADE (11 page)

Most of my
life
, I’d just been a
thing
—something that was just there for the battering and the abuse. I’d made myself stronger.

It pissed me off that Jude had taken that from me.

Take it back
, a voice inside me whispered.
Maybe you’re broken, but you can fix yourself. You did it before
.

Because I knew it was what had to be done, and because I couldn’t do it if I kept flinching away from everybody who came near, I uncurled my fist and let Damon take my hand.

“I’ve never seen you slip up and grab the blade wrong.” He gently inspected my bleeding palm.

“I didn’t get enough caffeine this morning.”

He snorted and tugged on my wrist, guiding me back to the bar. The first aid kit under it probably didn’t get much use; it was entirely likely he’d put it there for me. Damon, like most shifters, healed with amazing speed and kits like this were wasted on him. He gripped my wrist with a steely grasp, slowing the flow of blood. It hurt but it wasn’t too bad.

“Are you going to explain or do I need to get ready to break bones?” he asked again as he started cleaning up my hand.

“You’re always ready to break bones,” I muttered. “I think it’s one of the things you miss from when you weren’t Alpha.”

Once he had the blood cleaned up, he swiped the wound with an antiseptic wipe and then applied a couple of butterfly strips to keep it closed.

“I also miss how much easier my life was. And you haven’t answered. Ten seconds, Kit.”

Through my lashes, I studied him. “I don’t care to be bullied,” I said softly. “Just be aware of that.”

“If I wanted to bully you, I just would have called Sam in here and started breaking right away.” He leaned in a little closer.

Close. So close—closer than he’d been in months and the smell of him flooded my head, made my heart race.

His thumb stroked over my wrist, just above the bounding pulse. “I didn’t do that, because I’m trying here. But I’ll get an answer.”

Blood roared in my ears and I barely even realized what he was talking about for a few, blissful seconds. I only knew that he was close. The mantle of his energy, as warm as the summer sun, beat down on me and I didn’t feel cold; I didn’t ache, and I didn’t feel empty and alone.

Seconds spun away and I swayed forward without realizing what I was doing. Damon’s eyes widened and then he groaned just as my lips met his.

His free hand came up, pushing into my hair.

One hand on my wrist. His hand cupping the back of my head. His mouth on mine, again.

Bliss...for those few, short moments. Stroking my tongue across his lower lip, I whimpered as he opened, shuddered as the taste of him hit my senses and the hunger for him flared to burning, forceful life.

More
...

That was all I could think.

I needed more—

I moved against him, blind and deaf to everything. Even the fear inside had faded away. Nothing mattered.

Damon growled against my lips but didn’t move. Even when I shoved my free hand under his shirt, he didn’t move. I raked my nails across the muscles that ridged his back, felt him shudder. Against my belly, I could feel the heated warmth of him and it sucked all of the oxygen out of me.

Tearing my mouth away, I gasped for air.

Damon muttered my name, the low, ragged growl a velvet caress. He moved his mouth across my cheek. My jaw…

You’re mine.

Pain ripping through me…

As his mouth brushed over my neck, all desire disappeared, crushed under a brutal, unwanted reminder. Terror slammed into me and I struck out, driving my fist into a hard, warm body.

The hand fisted in my hair fell away and I was free, backpedaling and tripping in my haste. I ended up falling, landing with my weight on my injured hand. A scream rose in my throat but I bit it back.

The pain shot through me and although it was a nasty way to clear to the fog of terror, it worked.

I found myself sitting on the floor, staring up at Damon.

And he looked horrified.

For the longest time, neither of us spoke and then he spun away. “Fuck. Kit, I’m sorry—”

“No.” I swallowed, closed my eyes. Now that the terror had faded, now that the adrenaline rush was leveling out, my brain settled back into its normal rhythm and I knew what had caused it.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. I watched as he lifted his hands, drove the heels of his palms against his eyes while the muscles of his back strained and swelled against his shirt.

“Damon, stop.” I stayed on the floor, folding my knees. Because it was easier to think if I didn’t look at him, I stared at my palm. I’d made it start bleeding again. “I’m the one who kissed you, remember? And I was fine, but...”

I stopped and reached up, touching my neck.

Realizing he had turned back around, I looked up at him. “Every damn time he touched me, he bit me. When you touched my neck, it just put me in a bad place, okay?”

“I shouldn’t have—”

I glared at him. “Shouldn’t have what? I kissed you and it felt pretty damn good so would you stop...”

Thick black lashes fell over his eyes, shielding them from me.

“Stop what?”

I shoved to my feet and headed back over to the first aid kit. The strips were nasty with blood again. Peeling them off, I tried to figure out just what to say. What I could say. What I
should
say. Damn it. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” I said softly. “And if I could find a way to turn off everything in my head that made me freak out, I’d probably have been very happy to keep going just as we were. But if you keep...”

His hand brushed down my back.

I stilled, staring down at the bloody gash in my palm. Damon moved around me and stroked my arm and once more silence fell as he cleaned the blood from my hand and rebandaged it. I wiggled my fingers and flexed my hand instead of looking at him even though I could feel the weight of his stare boring through my skull.

“Three weeks ago, you said you’d given up. And now...now what?” he asked softly.

“Now I’m just trying to figure out who I am.” I darted a look up at him and it was enough to make my heart ache. A huge part of me wanted to lean against him and just stay there. Right there, lost in the warmth of his body. I’d felt safe there. I missed it. Needed it.

But I had to remember that I could stand on my own.

Be
on my own. I don’t think I’d ever really done it all that well to begin with. It was time to fix that.

“Everything I thought I was, everything I am, it still feels broken, Damon. I have to find me again. Sometimes it feels like I’m coming back, but other times, I remember...” I stopped, looking down at my palm. The silence in the back of my mind was like a mockery. I kept waiting to hear her. Hear that voice...
Call me...I am here. I am here.

But she wasn’t.

The bond with my blade was gone and it wasn’t coming back.

Swallowing, I shook my head. “I just need to find out who I am again.”

“And you have to do it without me.”

“I can’t stand on my own if you’re always there to pick me up.” He didn’t have to know that it hurt to say it. Hurt like I was cutting out my heart.

“And when you’re ready to stand on your own?” he whispered.

He was so close. I could feel the heat of him through my clothes. Need, confusion and fear were a morass inside me. I wanted him so much. I
needed
him like I needed air. But in the back of my mind, I could still hear that mocking laughter and my body hadn’t forgotten that pain, either.

I wanted to rip out my hair, scream, kick something, hit something, break something.

“I don’t know if that’s going to happen,” I said flatly.

“You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, baby girl.” He stroked a hand up my back, stopped with it resting high between my shoulders. “You’ll make it happen. You don’t know how to stay down. When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”

I looked at him from the corner of my eye. “And what if it takes the rest of my life?”

“I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll wait. I…” He clenched his jaw and went silent. Then, each word coming slowly, he said, “You told me you weren’t ready to hear what I had to say, and that’s fine. I’ll wait for that, too. I’ll wait forever.”

A knot swelled in my throat. Needing to move, I eased away from him.

Silence stretched out and it was awful, awkward and I desperately needed to get out of there.

“Are you going to give me the cat’s name?” I asked softly.

He blew out a breath and I heard the frustration. “We’re back to square one, Kit. I can give you the name, but if you don’t tell me what I want to know about Sam, the second you leave here, I’m going after her and I’ll get it out of her on my own.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw him lift his face to the ceiling, eyes closed while a strange little smile curled his lips. “I’ll be honest, I’d probably have fun with that. Sam’s been a problem for a few months. I’ve been thinking I’d have to curb the problem and there’s no time better than the present.”

Bastard. Fighting dirty was his favorite way. He had no problem using pain or anything else to get what he needed out of people.

It bothered me, though, and he knew it.

Flexing my sore hand, I dropped onto the couch. “I tell you, then you give me the cat’s name. No discussion.”

He slanted a look my way. “I’ll bring him here. The girl can meet him here. I can’t endanger one of my cats. You know that.”

“No. The girl’s scared of this place.” Absently scratching at my arm with my uninjured hand, I muttered, “She’s scared of her own shadow.”

“I’m not having it happen off my land,” he said flatly. “If she’s young, then it’s one of my kids and I’m not risking them getting hurt. Too many of them don’t think for any longer than it takes to eat or get laid and being stupid isn’t a good enough reason to get dead.”

“You think I’d let that happen?”

“Not willingly, but until I know more about the girl, I’m not taking chances. We can find a neutral place…” He cocked his head to the side. “Your office.”

My heart lurched in my chest. Hell, I hadn’t even paid the damn rent in months. “That might not be doable,” I said woodenly. “I haven’t kept up with the place.”

“You can make it doable. We can compromise on this. That’s my compromise. You need neutral ground if you won’t bring her here.” The storms in his eyes darkened. “You know it’s not wise for one of the younger ones to leave clan territory without others from the clan with him, Kit. And he needs somebody else to act as witness. The girl can bring her mother or something and we’ll all sit down like rational adults.”

I curled my lip. “If you plan on coming, who is going to be the rational adult for the kid?”

A faint smile came and went on his face.

Because I didn’t have much choice, I agreed. “But if my office isn’t doable, we find someplace else.” I didn’t even know if I could get
in
to my office. Five months was a long time to stay away from a place of business. I had a fair landlord, but that fair? I just didn’t know.

“Deal. Now...talk.”

Swiping the back of my hand over my mouth, I surged off the couch and started to pace.

Memories from that night slammed into me. The fight between us. Justin telling me,
You can’t let it go so easily
—

The jerk wasn’t right often, but when he was right, he was
really
right.

“Look, this isn’t any big secret,” I said, swiping my uninjured hand down the side of my jeans and shooting him a look. “I said I called here, remember?”

His lashes swept low, shielding his eyes.

“Yes. I thought you weren’t able to reach anybody.” A muscle pulsed in his jaw. “I take it that wasn’t the case.”

“No.” I shrugged jerkily. “I…look, we were over with anyway, right?” I swallowed, jerked a look at him, fast and then I dragged my eyes away. “I’m trying not to be mad about that. Not matter what, you couldn’t always be there, right? And I’m trying not to be angry that.”

A snarl ripped out of him. “You’re trying not to be angry?”

I shot him a look. “Damon—”

His eyes glowed, savage and hot. “
I
am angry.” He went to take a step forward and my breath caught. A look of pure hell crawled across his face and he turned away. “You go ahead. Try not to be angry. I’m pissed enough for both of us. I should have been there.”

“But we were over.” I shook my head. I didn’t want to be angry about this. I was so tired of being angry. Of being afraid.

“Kit…just tell me what you need to tell me.”

Okay, maybe I wasn’t as tired of being angry as I thought. “Just tell you.” It ripped out of me and I slammed my fist down as I fought not to yell, as the rage bubbled and brewed inside. “Fine. I’ll fucking tell you. Sam gave me your message. One fight, Damon.”

He stared at me and my skin burned under that gaze.

One fight, damn it. We had one
serious
fight and he walked? “I don’t get it, Damon, okay? I know I’m still fucked up over everything and I’m going to be for a long, long time. I
wanted
to tell you what was going on, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t write you a fucking note, I couldn’t even
think
about it thanks to that fucking spell Justin put on me.”

Oh, yeah. I wanted to be angry, all right. I’d lied. Or maybe I just hadn’t realized.

The rage inside me pulsed in the air. I could feel it. Sucking in a breath, I tried to calm my breathing and I made the mistake of looking at him. His eyes glowed, that eerie glow, rolling from gray to green-gold and back. That was all, the only sign he felt anything, but it was enough.

“What the
fuck
, Damon!” I shouted. “We had one fight and all of a sudden you won’t even
talk
to me? One
damn
fight and you don’t want me anymore? You have that bitch Sam passing on your messages to me?”

The tension ratcheted up in the room, swelling hotter, tighter. Choking the oxygen out of the room until I couldn’t even breathe. “Kit…” His voice was ragged.