Authors: E.J. McCay
Uriah and I sit in Tish’s Tacos after my therapy session.
My ankle is all better, but I like him picking me up. Plus, it’s July in Texas. You’d think Satan is sitting on the state line with his pitchfork as hot as it is.
We’re munching on tacos when Uriah looks up and his face is masked in anger. I turn around and see Bo standing just inside the door.
And sure enough, Papa shows up too.
Uriah starts to stand, and I put a hand on his arm. “Don’t.”
He looks at me.
“Give me a minute, okay?”
I get up and go over to Bo. He won’t look me in the eye. “Hey, Bo.”
He won’t talk to me either.
“I’m not mad at you anymore. I forgive you. I’m not saying we can be friends just yet, but I forgive you.” I turn, walk back to Uriah, and sit down.
“What did you say to him?”
“I told him I wasn’t mad anymore and that I forgive him.”
“I don’t know how you can do that. I don’t know if I can.”
“Papa says we gotta. It’s the only way to be free. I don’t know how long I’ll have to keep reminding myself that I’m not mad at him or that I forgive him. I just know I will until all the hurt is gone.”
“All right. You’re the boss. I’ll try to do it too.”
Bo goes to the counter, orders his food, and I see them hand him a bag. He hangs his head as he walks to the door and leaves without even casting a glance in my direction. “I know what shame feels like.”
“Well, he deserves that shame,” Uriah says.
“Maybe. Maybe he just didn’t think about what he was doing when he was doing it and now that he’s had time, he regrets it.”
Uriah chews on that a moment. “I hope so. I hope he’s able to think on what he did and learn to never do it again to anyone else.”
“Me too. I guess if he has to make a mistake it’s better it was done to me than someone else that’d never forgive him.”
He smiles at me and lets out a long breath. “Life’s going to be an adventure as long as you’re with me.”
“Don’t go getting all sappy. I’m still broken. I’m still jagged.”
“Yeah, I know, but every day you’re a little less so.”
“What do you know?”
“I know. I see it.”
“You done eating? I’m ready to go.”
“You can’t be done eating. You’ve not had hardly anything.”
“I’ve had a taco.”
“One taco. Did you eat breakfast?”
“No.”
“Then you need to eat more.”
“I’m not hungry anymore.”
He looks at me and makes a face. “What did you and Chrissy talk about today?” He changes the subject and starts chowing down on his taco again.
Uriah and I have started talking about my therapy sessions. After I told him what happened with Bo and Marlin, it just didn’t seem like all that big a deal anymore.
“We talked about miracles and Papa.”
“Miracles?”
I shrug. “I mostly wanted to know if she ever thought I’d be free of all these thoughts and feelings because I think it’d take a miracle.”
“What did she say?”
“She said I needed to forgive so I can be free. I just have a hard time with it, that’s all. Me and Papa been talking and He’s said the same thing. I just don’t know if I can, ya know?”
“You told Bo you forgive him.”
“Yeah, ‘cause I felt like I was supposed to, not cause I wanted to.”
“Do you feel better since you talked to him?”
“I don’t know how I feel, to be completely honest. All this dredging up the past, talking about things that can’t change, and dealing with all this touchy feely stuff has me all confused and worn out.”
“You seem to be doing better. Like I said, you seem less broken every day. Not that I thought you were broken to start with, I’m just using your words.”
I sit for a moment and take time to ponder what he’s just said. “I think darkness has a way of seeping in and it doesn’t like leaving. I think it makes you feel broken and it takes that broken and uses it as a cage. It’s hard to break free from a cage that’s been built for years. It’s not something you just get over.”
Uriah’s eyes shine when he looks at me. “You always had a way with words, Lillian James.”
“Naw, I’m just talking.”
“Keep going. I like your talking.”
I bite my lip and smile. I can’t help but smile at Uriah. Spending so much time with him lately has given me a new appreciation for him and his spirit. He’s more kind and loving than I ever knew. If I’d have known then what I know now, I may have never left Foaming Springs.
“Chrissy said she wants a relationship with Papa like I have. I don’t understand what she means, though. I mean, I just talk and Papa is there. That’s all I know.”
“I don’t know about Chrissy, but I can tell you I sometimes feel the same way.”
“What way?”
“I want to talk to Jesus like you do. I want the relationship you have. The way you talk about it makes it so familiar. It’s like a married couple.”
“You can. Just talk. Or listen. I don’t know what else to say. A relationship is personal. Not everyone needs Papa like I need him. He’s all I had for so long it’s hard sometimes to talk to regular folk.”
“Maybe if I hang out with you for a few years I’ll figure out how to have a friendship with Him like that.”
“A few years, huh?”
“Maybe more,” he winks at me and smiles a smile that melts me in places I didn’t know I had.
“Stop it.”
“You going to church with me tonight? It’s potluck night.”
I raise my eyebrows. “I haven’t been to potluck in a while.”
“There could be pie.”
“You think my daddy will be there? I’ve heard he’s coming to church more.”
“I tell you what. We’ll go and if he’s there, I’ll take you home and we’ll sit with Papa on the deck eating PB&J’s.”
I grin from ear to ear.
Oh, Papa, I know I don’t deserve him, but thank you so much for him. There’s a part of me deep down still waiting to lose him, but, for now, I’m enjoying the dickens out of Uriah Pendleton’s company.
Papa loves me.
I know because my daddy isn’t at church tonight and there is a pecan pie looking at me with love in its eyes. People are filing in, and the older women are running around in the kitchen getting things ready. Mrs. Pendleton sees me and flashes me a big grin.
When Pastor Jeffrey walks in, he sees Uriah and starts our direction until he sees me. It’s the first time I’ve been with Uriah that the Pastor didn’t see me with him at first and now Uriah sees with his own eyes what I’ve been telling him all along.
I see Uriah’s face go from happy to sad to angry in the blink of an eye.
“Don’t,” I whisper to him. “Don’t be angry or sad. It’s okay. I’m just not their kind.”
He looks down at me and gives me the most loving look. It breaks my heart for him to have to be hurt by people. “They’re no better than you,” he says and touches my face with the palm of his hand. “You’re better than all these people who look down at you. You have a light and a goodness they can’t fathom. If they could open their minds a minute and see you the way I see you, it’d change their life.”
“Uriah, I don’t care what they think of me. I care what they think of you. I don’t want them to think less of you because of me.”
“I don’t care what they think of me so don’t you either.” He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in close. “Let them think what they want. It’s them losing out on knowing you.”
Chrissy walks in and sees me. We have to keep our distance to a degree. With her being my therapist, she doesn’t want anyone to think we aren’t doing what we’re supposed to be doing in my therapy sessions. She comes walking over to me, smiling. “I haven’t seen you on a Wednesday in a long time.”
“I was here for the potluck when I first got here. I’m just not much of a church-goer.”
“I told her there would be pie,” Uriah says, poking fun at me.
“Well, that’s a good enough reason for me. Which one looks good?”
I point to the table. “If that pecan pie is made by the same person as the last one I ate, then it’s heaven in your mouth.”
Uriah bobs his head up and down. “She’s right. That’s good pie.”
Chrissy snickers, pats me on the arm, and then walks off to stand next to her husband. The place is full now, and Pastor Jeffrey asks everyone to quiet down. He asks the group to bow their head and he offers up grace.
I peek at one point, and I see Bo standing in the corner, staring me right in the eyes. The look on his face is murderous. I guess he’s decided he’s mad about what happened and the fact I offered forgiveness makes it even worse.
It’s not raining today, so as Uriah and I move through the line I ask if we can sit outside and eat where it’s more peaceful. He agrees and we get our plates, pie, and drinks and find a spot on the steps away from everyone.
“Bo was giving you a pretty dirty look during prayer,” Uriah says as we sit eating.
“You were supposed to have your eyes closed for the blessing.”
“So you didn’t see it.”
“Yeah, I saw it.”
“Weren’t your eyes supposed to be closed too?”
“I’m bad, remember?”
Uriah rolls his eyes and smiles. “I’m not comfortable with you staying by yourself in the cabin with him giving you looks like that.”
“I’ll be fine, Uriah. You thought my daddy was gonna get me and he hasn’t. Neither will Bo. He wants to be a judge. Can’t be a judge if you commit crimes.”
“His momma wants him to be a judge. Bo wants you.”
“Bo doesn’t want me. He wants me to want him and he’ll never have that. So he can be all angry and stuff if he wants to, but I’ve never wanted him like that and he knows it.”
“Doesn’t matter if he knows it or not, he still wants you.”
“Aw, he’ll get over it after awhile and find someone and then I’ll be just a bad memory.”
After that, Uriah let it go and changed the subject. “You wanna take a walk down by the fishing pond after church tonight? I’ll stop at the ice cream place on the way if you want?”
“Sure, I’d like that. I don’t know if I’m gonna want ice cream after all this, but I’d like to walk with you.”
Uriah flashes a smile and pops a bite in his mouth. “One of these days, you’re gonna be mine for real and forever.”
“Oh hush. You don’t want me either.”
He looks at me, and gives me this serious look I’ve never seen before. “That’s not true. I do want you. I want you for now and forever, but I will never make you do anything you don’t want. I’ll never make you make a choice or force you into anything.”
“You’ll get real tired of waiting and move on.”
“Never. Never in a million years, Lillian James, never in a million years.
I feel the weight of what he’s saying so heavy in the air it’s hard to breath. Uriah cares for me and it’s the kind of care that’s patient and kind and loving. It’s the kind of care I’ve longed for my entire life. It’s the kind of care I wouldn’t want from anyone else, but Uriah.
Papa comes floating in like a matchmaker. I hear Him in my head and feel Him in my heart. I know I’ve found someone I might be able to say I love you to someday. If I can ever be free enough to feel that way.
Uriah locks eyes with me and I know he’s meant every word he’s said. The tension between us is like a stoked fire. It’s something I’ve never felt before in my life. I crushed on Uriah in school, but it was from afar. The time we’ve spent together the last few months has been more than I ever bargained for and more than I ever thought possible.
I break the silence, and say, “I don’t know if I can give you what you need, Uriah.”
“Don’t worry about it right now. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m just letting you know what you mean to me. I want you to know that I love you and the more I get to know you the more I love you. I know one day you’ll say it back.”
“How do you know?”
“You aren’t the only one who talks to Papa,” he says and grins.
After my walk with Uriah,
he drops me off at home. We didn’t get to walk long before the clouds came blowing in with a hard wind. I tell ya, living in Texas, the weather is mighty fickle. If I stop and think about it, maybe Papa made the weather so fickle so I’ll stop wondering about the next moment and enjoy the one I’m in. I think on that as I change into my pajamas.
I feel like Papa needs my time and a word with me so I grab a soda out of the fridge and sit in my chair with my feet up. Uriah got me watermelon this time and boy, is it good.
The clouds make the sky look angry. What with the lightning flashing and the thunder rolling. To me, it’s pretty. Kinda like natural fireworks. The woods are quiet. The animals that are normally out singing are hiding in their holes waiting for this thing to pass. The wind is whipping and whistling in the trees.
I’ve got my hair scrunchied so it stays out of my face, and this wind feels like it’s bringing change.
Papa takes a seat next to me. He’s watching His own handiwork with me.
“You gonna talk or you just gonna sit there?” I ask Him.
The turbulence dies a moment, like it’s checking its gas, making sure it’s got enough to show me what for.
Papa looks at me and smiles. “I see you’re talking to Uriah more. Letting him get to know you.”
“Yeah, I like Uriah. He doesn’t ask for anything from me.”
“No, he doesn’t. He loves you.”
“I know.”
“You love him.”
“I don’t.”
“Lilly, you can’t lie to me. I know your heart. I know your wants. I know everything there is to know about you. Besides you’ve already said you felt love for him once.”
I look away. “I know you know me, but it was a moment of weakness. I don’t love Uriah though. You’re wrong.”
“You do. You love him like he’s the best pie in the world.”
I cut my eyes at Papa. “What do you know about pie?”
“I know it’s your favorite thing just like Uriah is your favorite thing.”
“He is my favorite thing next to pie.”
“Then why don’t you let yourself love him?”
“Papa, you know as well as I do, I’m no good for him. All those people in town, flapping their gums, throwing judgment at him ‘cause of me.”
“Uriah doesn’t seem to care about that.”
“I do. You should too.”
Papa pauses and sits real still. The storm that had quieted down a moment ago, pulls back the throttle, and lets loose. The wind howls, the sky flashes with lightning, and the thunder booms like bombs are being set off. Little bits of dead leaves and sticks are pelting me and I shield my face.
“I made you mad?”
“I’m not mad at all. It’s a storm. Hot air meets cold air, pressure builds and it has to let go.”
“Why here?”
“You seem to be doing fine.”
I nod and smile. “Your lessons sting sometimes.”
“They sting because sometimes people are hard of hearing.”
“Maybe they aren’t hard of hearing they just don’t like what you got to say. Ever think of that?”
The wind dies down, but the lightning and thunder still go on.
“Oh, I’m sure people don’t like to hear a lot of what I say as evidenced by the way people do things thinking their way is better than mine.”
“You trying to say I think that way?”
“You try to listen better than some, but you’re still deaf at times.”
I look down at the soda bottle I’m holding. “I’m scared Papa. The people I’ve tried to love, they ruined me on love. I’m afraid if I love Uriah that he’ll do the same thing.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“I don’t.”
“Lilly, Uriah is a man and he’s not perfect. There will be times when he says the wrong thing or does the wrong thing, but he loves you. There will be times when you don’t like him or feel anything for him because he’s made you mad. You’re just going to have to remember I’m in the middle. You’re going to have to remember to love him like I love him.”
I take a deep breath. “Papa, why is this so hard? This love stuff?”
“If it was easy then it wouldn’t be worth having.”
Papa and I sit for a long time on the deck just watching the storm. When it starts to blow on us, we go inside and He sits with me in my bedroom. Papa knows it takes me a while to come around and He’s patient. It makes me love Him more because He doesn’t pressure me to just flip a switch.
While I’m lying in bed, I reflect on our talk. He says I love Uriah. It’s hard to say those words. Of all the words I know, those three are the worst. They come out with so much hope. There’s a promise in those words and when those words aren’t backed up, it’s like being thrown in a fire. It burns you up, makes you hurt and wish you were dead.
I roll over onto my back and look up at the ceiling. “What do I do, Papa?”
Papa smiles. I feel His warmth fill the room and it’s like being in a fresh out-of-the-dryer blanket. “You love. Not because you expect things to be good or perfect. You love because I love you. You love and remember that other people are just as broken as you are. You love and keep on loving and you never stop.”
“I can try.”
“Do I ever ask you to do more than that?”
I hesitate. “Sometimes.”
Papa’s laughs. It sings in my heart and makes me smile. “Sometimes I push you to more than try because I know you're capable of so much more. Sometimes, I let you think you’ll try just so you try and know what I’ve known all along.”
“Okay, Papa, I think I understand.”
“Good night, my sweet Lilly.”
“Good night, Papa.”
I roll over, tuck my hands under my pillow, and close my eyes. My talk with Papa has worn me out.