Bulletproof (Healer) (20 page)

             
I go silent. It doesn't feel right to be discussing boys so frivolously with her when I have bigger things to worry about. I should be freshening up to see Maurice again and grieving family back at home. Not how cute Gabe is especially not after all the things he has done and the way he treated me on the drive today. He made me feel as if I am stupid, like my feelings are something I can control, like I am choosing to care for him and not fighting against my feelings annoyed him. - like the thought of me liking him disgusted him. Was I that horrible? Am I ugly or too awkward? Or is it because I’m a freak? "But, Rose, it was him? Wasn't it? Who hit me with the car and did all those things to test that I could really survive anything?”

             
I expect her to lie and tell me it wasn't Gabe. She likes him, her allegiance lies with him and she wants to do well by him. I feel comforted knowing that she makes a point to protect him. No matter what happens between Gabe and I, Rose will always look after him.              

             
She doesn’t lie to me. She nods slowly, "Yes. Don't overreact, Cassie, don't go crazy on me like you did with Gabe please. Let's have a rational conversation. Yes, Gabe was the one to hit you that day but maybe you should think about his intentions."

             
"He wanted to be sure I was the one Maurice wanted. He was worried that I wasn't the Miracle Girl and he would turn me into Maurice and I'd be the wrong one. He needed to be sure, Rose, I fully understand his intentions. It just hurts me that he didn't care about the repercussions," I say trying to keep my breathing even so I don't start crying again. A drag of oxygen in, let it filter into my bloodstream, breathe out the bad air. Should be easy.

             
Rose shakes her head and leans back, shaking her long dark hair out across my bedspread. Today she is wearing a tight fitting coral velour tracksuit. No matter how much running I do, how many hours I slave in the gym, I doubt I will ever sculpt my doughy body into looking like hers. Curvaceous but still lithe. I simply wasn't built to be that sexy. "There is too much you don't understand. About vampires, about working for a vampire like Maurice," she whispers.

             
"Well tell me. I'm sick of you and Gabe tiptoeing around me like my ears are too fragile to hear it. You act like I’ll break under the pressure but look around, look what I’ve deal with so far. I think I can handle it. I've been dragged out of here against my will so I deserve to know the truth. Why am I here?" It is the first time that I have truly confronted Maurice's intentions. It would be nice to believe that he wants to enjoy spending time with me, courting me because we are both misfits in this big, bad world but it can't just be that. There is something more to my visit and Rose knows what it is, Gabe too, and nobody is willing to tell me. The secrecy scares me more than anything.

             
Rose takes a hold of my hand and looks intensely into my eyes. This is serious, "Cassie, I am bound to a contract. We are all bound to serve Maurice and it's serious. I shouldn't even be here without permission. You belong to him now and nobody should speak to you without his permission. You have to understand that everything you do will be monitored and if you really care about Gabe you will try your hardest to pretend you don't…"

             
"Why? Why does Maurice care so much about me?"

             
"Because you have something he wants very badly," Rose says quietly and she looks around the room for anybody eavesdropping. "And Maurice takes what he wants. He will take it.”

             
Then she adds, “Be careful what you say, Cassie. Caring about Gabe too much, too openly, crying like this will only get you both into trouble and I know you care about him too much to let him get into trouble."

             
Gabe's words are bright like neon in my mind. He told me that whatever I think I feel I had to stop and now Rose is implying loving Gabe could be dangerous. Why is it so important that I disguise how much I care about him?

             
And what does Maurice want from me? I shiver. Rose's words are lying stale in my stomach, I am unable to digest them.

             
"So did you come here to warn me? So I don't get you or Gabe into trouble?"

             
"No," she said. "I came here to check you were alright. I like you, Cassie. I don't want to see someone I care about get hurt anymore than necessary…"

             
Then she leaves. More than necessary? That means I should expect pain. I want to go to sleep. I need some energy but when I look outside the sky is dark. Maurice will be awake now and he will want to see me. I can't fathom how differently I feel towards him when only a day has passed. Before I slept last night I was giddy. He was a dream. Gorgeous and hanging on to my every word. Finally somebody who understood how it felt to be a freak but now I am scared. Gabe and Rose's vagueness has left me sceptical of everything. Rose has planted a seed and now it is sprouting wildly out of control and wrapping its vines around my old thoughts and ideals. I don't even know what I think anymore. Who I should believe?

             
I nip into my shower. The warm water does nothing to soothe my aches and pains. When I come out there is a white chemise dress lying on the bed. Rose or Angelica must have snuck in and left this out for me to wear on tonight's date with Maurice.

             
I slip it on over my underwear which can be seen through the filmy material. They are too sexy for my taste. My dad would be horrified if he thought people could ogle at his little angel's pants which were white and lacy courtesy of Rose. I look at myself in the mirror. I do look sexy, I think, not like Rose but in my own way I could make a boy drool.

             
I dry my hair and plait it down my back and stared at myself again. Looking from different angles and wondering for the first time in my life what a boy sees when he looks at me. Before meeting Gabe and Maurice, I had never really liked a boy -apart from Dave the researcher but that didn't end well - so it never occurred to me that any boy might like me. I see no reason why not. I have a decent face, my skin is flawless, my body is quite nice. Boys did ask me out at school sometimes but that stopped as rumours of how bizarre my personal life was flew around the classrooms. Boys don't want to date a messed up girl. I had never kissed a boy. I'm seventeen and my lips have been completely useless. I wonder if they would even know how to work now.

             
A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts and I blush, feeling silly that in this perilous time I am thinking about kissing boys. Wondering if Gabe or Maurice will ever kiss me and if I would want them to. I shouldn't. I should find a nice, normal boy from back at school to start kissing.

             
Maurice walks in. I gasp. I shouldn't have underestimated how breathtaking he is. Luminescent. Angelic. Absolutely beautiful. It's hard to believe such a handsome face is capable of such devious things. He sucks blood to sustain his life. Hundreds of humans have probably died at his hands. But he would have looked so wonderful doing so.

             
"Good evening, Cassie," he says, pacing towards me. The fear that Rose had left me with has disappeared. His voice soothes me. I'm self-conscious of how much skin is visible to him.

             
"Hi," I squeak. Thoughts quickly revert back to kissing. I would like to explore his lips. Yes, my feelings for Gabe are deep rooted and confusing and they suck at me like a leech but the way I feel when I look at Maurice is purely animalistic. There is nothing baffling about the heat that is rising beneath my skin. It's human nature; I want to rip his linen shirt away from his marble skin.

             
"You look… wonderful, Cassie," he says.

             
"Thank you," I smile.

             
"Did you miss me?" he asks, smirking. He puts his arms around my shoulders and pulls me in for a firm hug. I need to focus, I remind myself. Think about what Rose said. Remember he is a vampire. This isn't as wonderful as it seems. But it's extremely difficult to see reality clearly with his brawny arms wrapped tightly around me. It's hard to think about how bad he is when the thoughts I have for him are far from pure.

             
"Yes," I say and he laughs, "Good. Shall we go?" He offers me his arm and I walk with mine looped around his. The house is eerily silent like everybody is in their rooms with their doors left ajar so they can peer out to check when it's safe to come out again.

             
"You've been crying," he says, a concerned look in his ghostly pale eyes. I should have tried harder to conceal my tears from him. As much as I try to block out Rose's, and Gabe's, warnings I know that there must be an element of truth in them and for some reason I shouldn't let Maurice know that my feelings for Gabe go beyond a mere acquaintanceship. There are probably whispers spread among staff now. The tears and my tantrum last night at the party, shouting in Gabe's face then running off into the garden like a frightened child. Pretending I feel nothing towards Gabe might help me anyway, it can't do any harm to shield myself from the agony brought when thinking about him.

             
I touch the skin beneath my eyes. It should sting but it doesn't. External pain rarely affects me. I must not physically show the signs of exhausting sobs but my eyes will give everything away. Need to get better at lying if I want to survive in a vampire's lair. He grazes his pale fingers across my shoulders and down my bare arms making the hairs stand up on end. It's hard to believe a man with such a gentle touch is capable of such cold and callous acts. I know it's true. Years of researching vampires has yielded me with that much knowledge.

             
"What's wrong? Didn't you have a good day?" he asked. I try to set my mind back to the pages of information I have read about vampires but no lightbulb flashes in my mind, what could he possibly want from me that Rose insists he will take?

             
He runs his finger back up my arm and brushes them up the back of my neck. A shiver runs from the base of my neck to the top of my thighs. If he is planning on destroying me, it's not tonight.

             
"I just missed you," I gulp. It is partly true. I've had a tough day but the realisation of my deep-rooted feelings for somebody who is no more than a stranger to me and the torment of missing my family have overshadowed another problem. I do enjoy this dangerous vampire's company. He wakes up the real hot-blooded teenage girl that seems to have been lying dormant, taking a backseat to the more prominent aspects of my personality: eager to please daughter, Miracle Girl, the freak, a thrill seeker. In the whirlwind of my life I was so desperate to break away from the confines and forgot to be a normal teenage girl. I forgot it's okay to want to kiss boys and enjoy their skin against mine.

             
"Good," he leans his mouth into to press it against my bare neck and I jump. He laughs, "I'm not going to bite you, Cassie."

             
I giggle nervously and relax, letting him touch his cool lips against my skin. I have to bite my lips so I don't let an embarrassing breathy moan escape from my mouth. I let my muscles ease as Maurice ushers me towards the bed and gently pushes me onto its surface without removing his lips from my neck.

             
Kissing seems like something I should have been doing a long time ago. But vampires have had more experience than a seventeen year old boy who I doubt could use their lips so skilfully. His mouth explores my neck then my jaw then gently puckers against my cheeks before finally settling on my lips. My first real kiss. It does not disappoint. I would never have imagined my first kiss would be with a sexy, charming vampire. I can't help feel inadequate as his tongue darts into my mouth. How can I compete with such an expert kisser? Is it a skill that you can improve with practise or is it a natural talent?

             
When he pulls away I am breathless. I want his lips back on mine again. His sweet taste helps to numb the pain. I don't have to pretend because for the minutes when he's kissing me the agony of wanting Gabe when he hates me and the fear that I will never see my family again are both erased. I can't think of anything but how fantastic it feels.

             
Bravery or stupidity - the pair seem to go hand in hand in most cases - kick in and I push myself up against him. We kiss for a while longer. There's no Gabe, no dad, no Rose. There's no Cassie either. All that is left in the room is heat: searing, fiery heat. A wonderful inferno ablaze in the gold room - it feels like being on the sun.

             
The rest of the night is spent kissing, interlaced with quizzical conversations. We lie on the dry grass in the garden and watch the stars. The sky is unmasked. There are no city lights or poisonous gases here stopping the stars from revealing their potential to the world. We discuss the stars and the world in its entirety and steer clear of family or my condition - things that might bring back the pain. And even if a memory rears its head the kissing eradicates it as quickly as it arrives.