Authors: Jillian Leeson
A slight movement makes me sit up straight. Is that a twitch of her arm or is it my imagination? Another twitch, this time more pronounced. Elle’s head shifts from side to side, and her eyes flutter and begin to open.
“Hey, beautiful. How’re you feeling?”
On hearing my voice, she trains her gaze on me, a faint smile touching her lips.
“Okay, I guess.” My chest constricts when I hear her voice, so soft that I stand up to move closer to her bed, bending over until I can feel her feathery breath against my ear.
“Are you in any pain?”
“No.” She shakes her head minutely.
I reach out for her slender hand, and feel its coldness in mine. “You have no idea how worried I’ve been about you.”
“I’m fine. You shouldn’t worry. Really.”
“I can’t help it. You’re very precious to me. You know that, don’t you?”
She averts her eyes. “I—I thought you hated me.”
“Me? I could never hate you.”
“But you were angry with me. You know—when you saw me standing in front of the window with Mark.”
I hang my head. I forgot about that. It’s funny how in times of need, things that seemed so important before, turn out to be insignificant.
Elle lets go of my hand, and her fingertips brush my arm, causing my pulse to take a leap.
I say, “It’s in the past. I’ve forgotten about it already. Let’s not talk about it any more.”
“But I want to. I want you to know why I was there. It isn’t what you think. I didn’t go there to support them. I realized you were telling me the truth, and I wanted to talk to Adam about it, and make him stop the occupation. But Mark pushed me towards the window and started shouting all this nonsense.”
I sigh. “I’ve got to admit, it was painful seeing you there.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to hurt you.”
She draws her fingers across my cheek, and I grab her hand, holding it against my chest.
“It’s okay. As long as I have you, I can handle anything.”
“Ryder, I—”
A strange look crosses her eyes that makes me furrow my brow.
“Ssshhh. Just rest. Don’t worry about anything, okay? Everything’s going to be all right.”
She looks down. “No. No, it’s not.”
“What do you mean?”
She doesn’t answer me straightaway, the silence between us punctuated by the beeping and whirring of the medical equipment. But when she does, the expression on her face makes my blood run cold.
“It’s just—this isn’t going to work out. And I wanted it to, so badly. I was about to talk to you, to make it up to you, when I heard about the race. I couldn’t believe you’d actually do it, but then I saw you, with Mikey. I thought you promised me you wouldn’t. Why? Why did you do it?”
Dropping her hand, I crumple back into the chair, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. “I was just so angry with you, I couldn’t think straight. And I had been drinking. When Mikey challenged me, I couldn’t say no. I wanted to punish you for betraying me, for running back to your friends. But I came to my senses just before the race. By the time you arrived I’d already called it off. If you don’t believe me, ask Mikey. He’s taken the cash.”
“I believe you. I do. But you have no idea how I felt when I saw you there, about to do what I asked you,
begged
you, not to do. That feeling… that you could be hurt, that you could be killed. It almost broke me. I—I can’t go through that again. It felt worse than I’ve ever felt in my life. It felt a lot worse than I feel now.”
The pained expression in her eyes makes me take a deep breath. “Beautiful, we can get through this. We’ll work it out somehow.”
“No. I think we just have to face it. It’s never going to work out between us. We live in completely different worlds. There will always be something or someone standing in our way. We’re just not meant to be together.”
“If this is about the race, about my promise—I’m sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am. I’ll do anything,
anything
to make it up to you.”
Elle shakes her head. “It’s too late.”
“Don’t say that. I know it’s not going to be easy, but we can get through it together. We’ll make it work. I want us to work because you mean so much to me.”
Because I love you.
The words are stuck in my throat, terrified she’ll leave me after admitting how I really feel about her.
I look into her eyes, but she averts her gaze, and my heart sinks.
She whispers, “Ryder, I think it’s time to move on. For me
and
for you. So it’s best if you go now. Just go.”
I clench my fists.
“I—I…” I want to tell her that we can still work things out, that I can’t lose her, that I can’t live without her. That this is going to break me.
But no words come out of my mouth.
Closing her eyes, Elle turns her head away from me. “And… don’t come back. Please.”
The hospital room is eerily quiet, but inside me I hear the noise of the world crashing down on me.
I stand up, in a daze, casting a last glance at Elle.
As I push open the door, I know that by leaving her, I’m losing a piece of me.
Elle
As soon as the door shuts behind Ryder, the tears welling behind my closed eyes, burst like a dam. The deep sobs that rack my insides are shaking me, choking me.
I let him walk out of my life—again. And with him, he has taken the only chance I will ever have to find true happiness. I know it, because I’ve never felt this way with anyone else before: cherished, carefree, secure… happy.
But ironically, that’s exactly why I had to let him go. The moment I saw him getting ready for the race, was one of the scariest I’ve ever had in my life. The thought of something bad happening to him—of losing him—was devastating to me, and I don’t ever want to go through that again.
Who was I kidding, to think that it could work out between us. Even if he has the same deep feelings for me as I do for him, it could never work, regardless of how hard we try. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
It was tough to let him go, but I will survive it. I will move on and live my life, and so will he.
Tears are still streaming down my face when a knock on the door wakes me from my thoughts. I quickly wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.
“Come in.”
Rose walks in, a pained expression in her eyes. When she spots me, she darts towards the bed and takes my hand.
“Sis. I was so worried. Are you okay?”
I open my mouth to answer her, but the loud wailing sounds that emerge behind Rose interrupt me.
Of course. My mother.
“I’m so sorry, so sorry,” she says in Chinese, her hands raised up, two white plastic bags dangling from her arms.
“It’s all because you told us that horrible story, that’s why you had this accident.”
I let out a sigh. “No, it’s not because of that. It has nothing to do with it. It was just an accident. The roads were slippery and I lost control.”
“It’s because you were riding a motorcycle. You shouldn’t. It’s too dangerous.”
I shoot her a menacing glare. “You don’t get to tell me what to do.”
Before I assail her with a barrage of expletives, Rose puts a hand on her arm. “Mom. Elle needs to rest. Just leave the food here, and we’ll come back another time.”
Nodding, my mother puts her plastic bags on the nightstand.
“Here, I’ve got you some Chinese soup. You’ll recover much faster. Don’t eat too much of the hospital food, it’s no good.”
“Thanks,” I mutter.
I am relieved when she turns to leave, but before she walks through the door, she glances back at me. “Where’s that handsome boyfriend of yours?”
“You mean Ryder? He’s not here.”
“What? You’re in hospital, you almost die, and he’s not here?”
“He
was
here, but—it’s complicated. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Tsk, he’s no good, that boy, if he can walk away from you like this, instead of looking after you. He clearly doesn’t care about you. Well, maybe it’s for the best.”
As the door shuts behind her, I shut my eyes.
If only she knew. She would have given me a roasting about how
I
am no good, echoing the familiar belittlement I grew up with. And this time, I would not disagree with her. It is true: I’m not good enough for him. He could do so much better than being involved with a crippled fuck-up who’d cause him enough grief for more than a lifetime. He would be happier without me.
The nurse comes to check up on me to take my temperature and my blood pressure, and to give me my cup of pain meds. After eating some crackers, I fall asleep.
The click of the opening door wakes me, and I open my eyes to a familiar figure standing next to my bed.
“Damon.”
“Hey, babe. ”
“How did you know I was in here?”
“I followed the ambulance to the hospital. I was here when they first brought you in.”
“Thanks. That means a lot to me.”
“Don’t thank me. I couldn’t stay with you all night. I had to go to a job. I’d already missed a few shifts, and I couldn’t miss another one, otherwise I’d be sacked. Anyway, Ryder was here with me and he said he’d look after you, so I felt a bit better for having to go. So, where is he now?”
“He… uh… he left.”
Damon furrows his brow, so I say, “Long story.”
“Elle, don’t tell me…”
I look up at the ceiling, hoping he won’t press on, but of course he does. “You threw him out, didn’t you? You must have. He would never leave you here by yourself. You should have seen him when he came into the ER. He was out of his mind with worry. He’s normally so cool, it was weird seeing him lose control of himself. And once we were allowed in the ICU, I’m sure he’s been by your side non-stop. That’s why I could leave; I knew he’d stay here with you. There’s no way in hell he would have left here willingly.”
I take a deep breath. “Okay. I admit it. I sent him away. But Damon, he broke his promise. He promised me he wouldn’t do any more street races. And that night I saw him, about to start a race with Mikey Miller.”
Averting his eyes, Damon rubs his neck.
“Um… about that. I heard Mikey has been bragging about how much of a sissy Ryder is. Apparently they were about to start when Ryder suddenly pulled out. Mikey claims it’s because he was so scared that he’d rather pay him off than race against him. But my take is that he couldn’t go through with it because of you, and the promise he’d made. I think you mean a lot to him.”
“I don’t think so. If I did, he wouldn’t be there in the first place.”
Damon shakes his head. “I don’t know what happened between you two. But if it were me, I wouldn’t give up so easily. What you guys have is rare to find.”
I guess he is right. It feels special between us. But is it enough to overcome our differences? Is it enough to cope with the fights and the heartache that are bound to come our way?
I doubt it.
“By the way, I’ve got a surprise for you.” Damon walks to the door and opens it a crack.
“You can come in now,” he says.
The door opens wider, but I don’t see anyone entering until a mop of blond hair appears beside my bed.
“Elle!”
Jimmy’s beaming smile looks up at me, and I can’t help but grin back.
“You’ve got a cast. That’s soooo cool. Can I write on it? Please, please, please?”
His enthusiasm makes me burst out laughing. Only Jimmy knows how to cheer me up.
“Of course you can. Maybe you can draw a picture on it. That’s going to help me get better soon.”
“Okay. I’ll draw a picture of me and you in a Porsche.”
While he starts scribbling on my cast, Damon turns to me.
“I found him on the street, close to your apartment. I recognized him from the soup kitchen. You know, he was looking for you because he has some exciting news.”
“Yeah? What’s been happening, Jimmy?”
His blue eyes grow large.
“We’re going to move into a new apartment. And I’m gonna get my own room.”
“What do you mean? Can your mom afford to get an apartment?”
“Your friend helped us. He’s going to get us the apartment when the building is finished.”
“My friend?”
“Yeah, your friend who had dinner with us in the soup kitchen. Ryder. He helped us to get the place where we’re staying now. And later we’ll move into the new building and I’ll get my own room. I’m going to paint it all blue, my favorite color.” He grins from ear to ear.
“What do you mean? You have a place to stay?”
“It’s a studio just around the corner from you,” says Damon, and Jimmy quickly adds, “But we’re moving once the new building is finished.”
I knit my brow. He must be talking about the new development. So Ryder found him and his mom a studio, and he must have set aside a new apartment for them. After seeing him interact with Jimmy the other time, I could have guessed he’d do something like that. A pang of resentment rips through me. With my inheritance, I would be able to help him if Ryder hadn’t stepped in. But the moment the selfish thought enters my mind, I chastise myself for it. All that matters is that Jimmy is taken care of, that he can lead the life that any five-year old boy should. A boy who’d chatter non-stop about his room, exactly as he does now.
“Elle, you’ll come over to see my new room, right? Ryder says he will.”
I swallow. “Yeah, of course. Sure.”
After Damon and Jimmy leave, I clutch my chest. A heavy weight is bearing down on me—guilt because of the way I treated Ryder. From the get-go, I’ve been suspicious and distrustful of him, always on the look-out for his hidden agenda, assuming he’d be far too rich and good-looking to go after someone like me.