Authors: Darby Briar
“I know. If I‘d known you weren’t on anything, I swear, Doll, I would have used a condom.” I look up at him. “I should have anyway.” His jaw muscle throbs, “I just didn’t want any more barriers between us. I really fuckin’ want to know all of you; every single thing including how it feels to take you bare. But I should’ve waited. I’m sorry.”
I shake my head and look away. “I’m not upset, just worried.”
“I’m clean. I’ve always used protection. And the doc tests everyone at the club regularly.”
I cringe and relive for a few seconds all of the times Warner took me without protection. Drawing in a steadying breath, I tell him, “My ex . . . he didn’t use anything and I don’t know if he was . . .”
“Hey . . . hey.” He tips my chin up. “This is my fault. We’ll see the doc tomorrow and get tested. If there’s a problem, it’s on me. Okay? Not you.”
“It’s not all on you, Mav. I should have said something.”
He pushes my hair away from my eyes. “No. I swore to myself I wouldn’t push you into anything. But I still did.” His arms wrap around me and hold me tightly. His fingers begin to stoke up and down my spine. “I’ve just never wanted to be this close to another woman. Not since . . .”
Dana.
“And feeling you come around me is the single most sexiest thing I’ve ever seen or felt in my life.”
A few minutes later, when I get cold, we move beneath the covers and every so often, he kisses the top of my head. Each time it feels like he’s breathing me in. His hands roam. Over my back. My ass. He hikes one of my thighs up and pulls it over his. All the while, his fingers travel over me and knead my skin.
I reread the inked words on his chest, and trace them again with my finger.
He discovers deep things out of the darkness and brings out to light the shadow of death. ~ Job 12:22.
“What does it mean, your tattoo?”
I look up and see his eyes are closed. He opens them and lifts up a little to look down at it for a second then drops back to his pillow.
“The meaning changes for me. I got it originally because I discovered a completely different side of myself when I stopped livin’ according to Paul’s rules. I was slowly dyin’ in that house with him and my mother. I was so lost in what they wanted me to be, that I didn’t even know who I was. When I left, I started livin’ by my own rules and eventually I found some meaning to life. I also found a place to belong and brothers . . . even though I grew up with none.”
I try to understand what he’s saying and feel what he felt when he got the tattoo.
For him living in the light and being someone he wasn’t was killing him. He found himself and his way in the dark.
His hand finds mine and starts to play with my fingers. He murmurs, “I love your hands, Doll. They’re so small, but so strong.”
“You said the meaning changes?”
He takes his time to answer. “Yeah. Being close to death a few times. Seein’ it happen to those around me . . . seein’ how it changes
people
.” He links our fingers together and squeezes my hand. “It hovers over us day and night, and yet we take it for granted. We forget that tomorrow we might not be here. That those we love could suddenly be gone. And our time with them over.
“That’s why it was killin’ me to be patient for you when I knew you were what I wanted. None of us knows how many tomorrows we’re gonna get. And I want as many as I can have with you.”
He holds me for quite a while. Every so often, his hand trails up and down my back.
Still curious, I ask, “What about your other tattoo? These images on your arm.”
“Stories. From the Bible. Stories that mean somethin’ to me.” Looking down, he asks, “You ever read it?”
I shake my head no. “My mom didn’t believe in God or any of that.”
“But you do?”
“Yes, I do.” The memories of Will as a baby tunnel through my mind. She was so beautiful and perfect. Such a happy baby. And one hundred percent healthy even though Sunny had been doing drugs, smoking, and even drinking while carrying her. I used to thank God every day that he’d somehow protected her, and given her to me.
Mav’s hand pauses. But a second later, it resumes. “When I first started readin’ it, I hated it. I didn’t understand what most of the words meant. But eventually, I did and the stories interested me because they were a part of history and I loved all the fighting.” He chuckles and I feel the vibrations of it reverberate in his chest. “It wasn’t until later I saw the lessons behind the stories. Truths I always wanted to remember and maybe share with my own kids.”
Leaning up I ask, “Will you tell them to me?” His brows furrow. “The stories.” I rub my thumb over his brow and ease the tension out of it. “You can practice on me.”
His arms tighten around me. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “Jesus, Doll. I don’t even think you know what you do to me.” Shaking his head, he takes a deep breath. “Okay, but don’t laugh. It’s been a while and I’m not much of a storyteller.”
I zip my lips closed and smile up at him.
“Which one first?” he muses while holding up his arm and turning it.
I point to the redheaded woman plucking a piece of fruit from a tree. I’ve been beside myself with curiosity since seeing her. Is she Dana or someone else?
He laughs out loud this time. “Eve?”
“Is that her name?” He nods. “Yeah, tell me about her.”
He proceeds to tell me about Adam and Eve, the Garden of Eden, and the serpent. At first, he’s stumbles through, forgets parts, and has to go back, but after a minute his passion for the story comes through and he starts adding other things he’s picked up from studying other versions of the Bible.
I ask questions and he tries to answer every one.
He finishes and says, “See what happens when you leave the fate of the entire world in the hands of a woman?” I smack him and he laughs playfully. Capturing my hand, he rolls me onto my back. He pins my hands above me and interlocks our fingers. His lips take mine in a slow but ardent kiss. Pulling back, he sighs, “I’ve always thought a little sin is good for the soul.”
“Oh, yeah?” I smile too.
He pecks my lips again. “Yes. I think sometimes we’re meant to sin in order to find our way.”
My eyes fall to the angel on his arm. “And that one? What does it mean?”
His body tenses and his hands squeeze mine.
Looking up into his face, I say, “You don’t have to tell me. I’m just curious.”
He shakes his head and says, “No. You should probably know in case . . .” His words fall away and a little of his darkness seeps back in. I can see it in his eyes.
“Dana was pregnant.”
An unexplainable pain shoots across my chest. “You’re a dad?” Then I realize what he said.
Was
. . . as in no more.
“No.” He lets go of my hands and rolls to his back. “Never got the privilege.”
What was it Bethany had said? That when Mav found Dana, it was a month later, and she’d been blissed out on drugs.
“Did she . . . ?”
“I don’t know. All I know is she took off when she was six months pregnant. She only had a small baby bump when she left. When I found her a month later, she was stick thin and had no belly whatsoever. She wasn’t pregnant anymore and the doc told me there’s no way the baby could’ve lived if she’d had it between the time she left and the time I found her. I checked with all the hospitals just in case though.”
“Have you talked to her since to find out what happened?”
“No, I haven’t talked to her. It’s better if I don’t ever see her face again.”
I lay my palm over his heart. “I’m so sorry, Mav.” His hand lays over mine.
Meeting my gaze, he says, “It’s why I needed that promise from you.”
“I would never hurt a baby. Ever. Born or unborn.”
He leans up to kiss my forehead and then pulls me down, and I hear the rapid beat of his heart. “I know that.”
“Did you love her?”
“Yes, but not in the right way. Not in the way you’re supposed to. I didn’t love her for who she was. I loved her because she needed me. Because she could give me the future I wanted, and I loved her because she was going to be the mother of my child. I guess, I just thought it was time, you know, to move on with life. Find a girl to love, have a family, have a home to raise our kids. You can only live this life for so long before it wears and tears at you. I was more attracted to her than I’d ever been to someone else. I wanted someone to call mine. I just thought she was the one. But I was the one puttin’ in all the work, so it always felt one-sided. Lookin’ back, I see all the signs tellin’ me how wrong she was for me.”
“It’s easier to see the signs looking back.” I think about all the warning signs I missed with Warner and how glaringly obvious they are now. “It makes me feel stupid when I think about how many I missed.”
Rubbing my back again, he says, “Tell me about him.”
It’s hard to be here with Mav and think of Warner. I used to think they were so much alike. But Warner pulled me in with his All-American Boy disguise and then took off the mask to reveal something extremely ugly underneath. I feel like I’ve seen Mav’s ugly mask. The one he used to push everyone away. It’s off now, and I see the real him, and what I see is beautiful. Where Warner was a monster in disguise, Mav’s just a good man hiding behind his pain.
He’s no devil, and he’s no angel, but he sure as hell is something in between.
Letting out a puff of air, I say, “His name is Warner.”
“Where’d you meet him?”
“At the hotel where I worked. It was one of the many jobs I had to keep us afloat. He was there for a work conference.”
The first time I talked to Warner, he stopped by the cart Maria and I were sharing. I remember being a little stunned when I caught sight of him. His hair was so naturally blond, it looked angelic. His eyes were bluer than the ocean after sunset, and he was so tall. The way his body filled out his expensive suit had my brain stuttering for a moment. I saw a lot of businessmen and women come through, but no one as handsome or as nicely dressed as he was.
“Honestly, for a long time I didn’t understand what he was doing. He kept coming around, talking to me, asking me for room supplies, and I was clueless. Then he asked me out on a date. And he didn’t take no for an answer. I should’ve known then.”
“How long where you together?”
“Six months. We dated for four months before I moved in with him.” Fighting the sudden nausea in my stomach, I say, “There’s something you need to know before I tell you the rest . . .”
A bolt of nervous energy spears through my body and settles in the pit of my stomach.
I knew this moment would come sooner than I was ready for it to. This is where I trust him with my past, see if he can handle it, and I hope like hell when I’m done, he still looks at me the same way he does now.
I pull away and roll to my back. He leans up on his elbow and looks down at me.
“You know about my sister, but I never told you about Will . . . Willow.” I look over and see curiosity on his face. “I didn’t know if I could trust you before. I didn’t know if you’d use her against me. She’s my niece, but she’s much more than that to me.”
“I wouldn’t . . .”
My eyes flicker up to his. “I know that now.”
I look away and stare up at the ceiling. “My sister was already a wild child, but she took my mom leaving us a lot harder than I did. She sort of went off the deep end. I was too concerned with money, and how we were going to survive without my mom to see that Sundown needed me.
“It shouldn’t have, but it shocked the hell out of me when she told me she was pregnant. And I’ll always be ashamed that my first reaction was anger. I remember thinking, the last thing I needed was one more mouth to feed. We were already behind on every bill, and with me being a high school dropout, the best jobs I could get were barely enough to pay the rent. A baby meant more work and no time to possibly go back and finish school, or time to study to get my GED. Something I’d been planning to do.”
I skip ahead because I don’t remember a lot in between Sunny telling me she was pregnant and Will being born. All I know is, I was working my ass off day and night to pull in every dollar I could.
“After Will was born, Sunny was reluctant to hold her. When we got home from the hospital, it got worse. She’d hand Will off to me every chance she got. And when Sunny was well enough, she’d disappear for days, only to come home hungover and looking like death. She was in no condition to be a mom and she didn’t want to be. So until a year ago, I raised Will as best as I could mostly by myself.”
“How old is she?”
“Five.”
I look over to see concern flitter through his eyes. “Where is she now?”
“With Sundown.”
Concern becomes confusion.
I explain, “Sunny finally snapped out of it about a year ago.” I don’t tell him what caused her to change because that’s not my story to tell anyone and I don’t know much. “She asked me if she could stay and start being a part of Will’s life. She cleaned herself up, got a job, and started helping with Will. Together we were making more than enough to pay the bills and it was a relief to have some help. We worked opposite schedules so Will didn’t have to go to a daycare, which also helped us save money. And for first time in a long time, we weren’t struggling.”
“What happened?”
“Warner. He made it even better for those first two months. He spoiled us. Them and me. He bought me things I never had. Took me places. Gave me money to pay rent. I was living a dream. I feel stupid saying that because it was a dream.”
I pull in a deep breath and shake my head. “But it wasn’t. It was more like a mirage. I didn’t see how he was manipulating me in small degrees. Like quitting my jobs, distancing myself from my friends, agreeing to move in with him. He knew I felt guilty for still acting like a mom to Will, when her real mom was right there living in the same house. He used that against me until I felt like stepping out of the way was what was best for Sundown and Will. It took me some time to realize that he was trying to isolate me. But by the time I did, it was too late. He had me exactly where he wanted me.”
Mav’s hand slides over my stomach to my waist. He pulls me closer as if to protect me and asks, “Was he abusive? Did he hit you?” His face muscles are tight and I can tell he’s upset. But right now, I have to get this out. He needs to know why I can’t be with him the way I’ve seen him with the girls at the club. Tied up and powerless.