By My Side (19 page)

             
“I saw your knight in shining armor inside,” Andy said with a teasing smile, but no trace of anger or hurt. He and his brother were together for me. I was still not used to it.

             
“It's hard for him,” I said, sitting in the grass against the tree. Andy mirrored me.

             
“I know. I talked to him when you were in the bathroom this morning.” That I didn't know. Andy's eyes were lost in thoughts. “He's in love with you.”

              I tensed. Was it really the day to talk about that? Well, if I followed this thought, there'll never be a good day. And the word love? This feeling was so powerful that I wasn't sure it's the case in my story with Gabe, the former douchebag. Yeah, I thought I was in love, but what if it's just to hurt again?

             
“He didn't tell you that,” I pointed out with confidence. Just the talking part was a huge step for them, so they're not to the turning point where they confided in each other their big secrets.

              “No, but it's quite obvious. It's not easy for me, Lily.” I saw a glimpse of hurt in his smooth face. I knew it by heart after all these years of friendship.

             
“So shut up.” He laughed, and I managed to smile a little. My cheeks hurt like it wasn't a natural move.

             
“We need to talk about it one last time. You two are good for each other. He's in love with you like crazy, and you feel the same for him. It's okay. Between you and me, it's not about love, and I'm beginning to see that. Just one thing, easy on PDA’s when I'm around.”

I was stunned. Who was this boy?

              “What happened to you?”

              “Just perspectives and a close look at Gabe and you. I have never seen you like that when you're with him. You were still angry at him, but you ran into his arms.” True. I released my hair from the tight bun and fidgeted with them.

             
“I'm not ready for him right now. It's too ... Intense for me.”

             
“Maybe later.”

             
“Later he'll be in New York.”

             
“Not for a few weeks.”

Chapter Ten

            
 
Going back home was disturbing on many levels. Thinking of this cold house as the place where my mom died made it even less homey. Even more, my father on my heels didn't help at all.

              Everything smelled like citrus thanks to a cleaning lady, who came to tidy the house yesterday. I had to admit I preferred this smell over the unforgettable trio gin, whiskey, and vodka. I felt like a stranger, and my father seemed to also. He's still in the entrance with his luggage in his hands.

             
“You must remember your way around the house, right?”

             
“Lily,” he said, exasperated.

             
Crap! I just buried my mother, who I found dead in her bed, and he's the one exasperated here? If only I could be eighteen, I would be so outta here.

             
“Never mind, I'm going to bed.”

             
It was early. The sun just went down. The sky wasn't yet dark; I could still see some red and pink, which melted slowly in the darkness. My bedroom. My bed was made, and the clothes on the floor were not there anymore. I could practically imagine my mother cleaned it. She did it sometimes when she was fed up with my mess.

              Just for a second, I thought of my father, who will sleep in her bed where she died. I could never. For some reason, her death affected him. He was married to her for twenty years, but their divorce went so bad that I thought he didn't care at all. He said so. The human species is complicated, too much for me.

              He knocked on my door. I wasn't ready to forgive him. Not only for my mom, but also for what he said to me. He abandoned me and treated me really bad. I couldn't forgive easily.

             
“Come in.” I sat on my bed and freed my feet from the cell of my shoes. My toes were deep red. He opened the door and took a look at my posters. He didn't look at me.

             
“I just wanted to tell you I'll sleep downstairs in the office.”

Good choice
, I thought. It's too soon after her death. “Okay.”

             
“Lily, I'm sorry.” His dark blue eyes—I took after him—locked on mine. He was sincere, but was it enough? “I know you're not ready to forgive me, but please give me the possibility to be here for you.”

             
“You're here nevertheless.”

             
“You know what I mean. I was maybe in a middle-life crisis, but it’s over.”

             
“So, your mistress won't come here?” I asked, hate spilling out with every word. Was it shame that made him cover his face with both hands?

              “It's over, too. Listen, you're angry at me, and you're right. I wasn't there when you needed me, and that's why everything went so bad. I regret it.”

             
A few tears fell. He started to walk to me, but I stopped him before he could do anything. “Regrets won't change anything. I don't trust you anymore.” I took a deep breath. “I feel like an orphan now.” It's his turn to be ready to cry. I didn't want to make him cry. It's just the truth.

             
“Will you let me try to prove you wrong?” He was broken and somewhere, deep inside of me, it pained me.

             
“You've got a year before I go to college.”

             
He tried to smile, but succeed only in making more of his wrinkles visible around the eyes. Once upon a time, we all smiled a lot. He left my room. No “goodnight” for us, how could it be a good night?

             
I turned off the light and laid down in my black dress. Before, I never thought about death, even when my grandparents died in a car crash. I thought I would be afraid, but I was only sad that everything had to have an end.

             
In the bathroom, I was focused on my face, or more accurately on the rings under my eyes. It's blue and purple like a black eye. I didn't sleep all night long, always trying to remember what these people said to me about her after the funeral. Now, I wanted to know how they saw her. She's my mom and I'll always see her that way. So, I ended up with very natural raccoon eyes. Like it wasn’t enough. It's nothing compared to the rest, but for me it's important. I wanted something to go well.

             
Coffee. Yeah, it's a weird transition, but I smelled it. If my father was trying to buy me over with my weakness he is accomplishing a miracle. He knew me too well for my safety. I stripped off my wrinkled dress and put a shorts and a black T-shirt with the smiley of Nirvana. Needless to say, I ran to the kitchen. He was standing and chuckled a little handing me a mug full of my precious drink. Hot, black, and strong, the winning trifecta.

             
“You're cheating,” I said, faking my anger. He really laughed at that; his laugh coming from deep in his chest. I haven’t heard it in months.

              “Just a little.” He drank his own mug, but with a little milk in his coffee. What a sacrilege! “Do you have plans for today? I could take a day off work.”

             
“Gabe’s coming over,” I said, pouring another mug and sat at the little table for four.

             
“Gabe. You two are close now.”

             
“He helped me with mom.” My hands shook around my mug.

             
“His father told me so, but I wasn't talking about that. You and him are together?”

Crap! Not now, not with him when I was still reluctant to live with him. A mug of coffee didn't give him the right to be my father again.

             
“Why?”

             
“Well, he's not a boy.”

             
“Did his stubble enlighten you?”

             
“Oh Lily, I'm serious here. He's a man and you're ...”

             
“Seventeen, until March when I'll turn eighteen, I'm not a little girl anymore. Gabe and I ... Well, it's between us.”

             
He stood up, took his briefcase from the next chair, and opened it to check if he's got everything. He did this every morning when he was still with us. “Just be careful. He seems to be an intense guy.”

             
Good guess. “Yeah, yeah. I'm not dense.”

             
“Of course, smartass,” he teased me. He always said that when I was sarcastic with him.

             
My mom didn't like it at all because I always laughed. This time I didn't laugh, but I smiled. My mom's part was missing because she was always telling him not to be such a kid. It's painful. He must see it in my eyes because he turned around and left. I wasn't the kind of daughter who talked to her parents about all her feelings and now more than ever.

              The house phone rang. I hoped it's not a neighbor. “Hi.” I wasn't really cheerful, but I didn't care. The phone wasn't my cup of tea; I preferred text messages.

             
“It's Gabe.”

             
“What's going on?” I asked surprised. Maybe he's calling to cancel our morning together. If it's the case, I'll cross his name from my heart. Easier said than done.

             
“Nothing, I just wanted to check on you. Your cell is off.”

             
“I'm okay, but I didn't sleep and it's visible on my face.”

             
“And your father?”

             
“He made a good coffee.”

             
He chuckled. I heard a car door slam. “I'll be there in a couple of minutes, okay?”

             
“Yeah, I'm busy finishing the coffee pot.”

             
“Don't forget to make some more.”

             
“Coffee addict.”

             
“Like I'm the only one.”

             
We hung up with me smiling softly, and my heart beating faster than needed. It's so good to tease each other and I thought we needed it even if it's more difficult than usual. Our banters were the last normal thing in our life.