“If you go, don't come back. Don't ever come back.”
Then I walk to the house without saying good-bye.
There's no banging on the door. Nothing on my phone.
I hear the jeep fire up a while after I storm inside.
Dad is gone on business again, and Mom is sound asleep.
I can't sleep and finally pick up my keys. The moon has disappeared within a wall of gray curtaining the dark sky.
Driving by Caleb's house, the lights are off. He doesn't respond when I send him a text, and then I remember his phone was run over by the tractor earlier today. His old dinosaur didn't survive this disaster.
I've become completely unhinged. Now sitting in my car in a parking lot, the rain pours down so hard that I can't hear anything, not even the cars that dare brave the downpour. The streetlight is a blurred stream against my windshield. I can't cry, but I'm shaking uncontrollably.
I don't know what to do. Time moves slowly or quickly, I don't know how much passes, but the sky remains deep in the night when I reach again for my phone.
“Love, is that you?” The sound of Oliver's groggy voice crumbles my emptiness.
“Ol-iver?” Then I can't speak as I sob, leaning my head on the steering wheel.
“What is it? Are you okay?” He sounds alarmed and fully awake now.
“We, Caleb and Iâ”
“Oh,” he says in a voice full of knowing. “Where are you?” “Parking lot. Somewhere.”
“Somewhere? That doesn't sound too safe. You're alone?”
I nod, then realize he can't hear my nod.
“I'm coming to find you. Can you at least tell me if I should look in the Portland area?”
Through my silent tears, I take in a swift intake of air and speak without crying too much. “Yes.”
“Near hotel, school, or house?”
“House.”
“Okay, I'm guessing the parking lot near the Safeway closest to Caleb's house?”
“Maybe,” I say.
Some time later, I see a flash of headlights coming toward me in the parking lot. Oliver taps on my window, and I unlock the doors.
“My goodness,” he says when he sees me. He guides me to his car. “Worse than I imagined.”
“What am I going to do?”
“Is he going back to Hawaii?”
I nod, afraid to say more.
“You know what you have to do,” Oliver says firmly.
Glancing at him curiously, I wipe my face with my hands. “I don't know. I really don't know. Tell me.”
“You must tell him love often doesn't find people ever. You tell him not to miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You tell him not to go.”
“His grandfather has cancer.”
“Oh, didn't know that.” Oliver sounds like the world has ended. His voice was quiet and empty. “I'll find out what's happening. Let me take care of this.”
This gives me the tiniest glimmer of hope.
“Oliver?”
“What is it, love?” he says, brushing back my hair from my face and wiping away a tear.
“Thank you.”
He kisses me on the cheek.
“You know, my Katie, if I could be someone who could take care of you, fall in love with you, make you fall in love with me, you know I'd do it. It would keep us together. I don't want to lose you. But I can't seem to fall in love with anyone who is good for me.”
“We weren't meant to love like that.”
Oliver sighs and nods. “We would've made one fabulous-looking couple, though. Imagine the kids. We'd look like a Tommy Hilfiger commercial.”
“You'd better believe it,” I say wearily.
“You're going to be okay. Let's get you home and I'll call Monica. We can work on this now.”
“Wait,” I say, realizing Oliver is driving. He's not supposed to be driving.
“Yeah.” He smiles. “We're even now.”
Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
The Merry Wives of Windsor
(Act 2, Scene 2)
CALEB
Come on, Kate. Come on
.
My eyes scan the crowded airport, searching for her face. The death of my cell phone is now driving me mad. It picked a fine time to bite the dust for good. A simple call would solve this.
Boarding is starting and I haven't gone through security yet. I've already stayed behind; Dad took an earlier flight without me. Grandfather was rushed in for surgery; it's getting progressively worse and I have to be there.
I want to explain all this in person, but I couldn't find her this morning. She wasn't at home and her cell phone was off. Her brother didn't know when she'd left.
Maybe Finn didn't give her the letter. I thought I could trust him, no matter how he feels toward Kate. But what if the angry façade is more than just anger?
Or what if she did get my letter and I've hurt her too deeply?
Maybe it isn't meant to be between us?
Maybe it's for something else, some purpose I can't yet see.
I don't want to leave it like this. But I have a flight to catch, and despite how I feel about him, Grandfather needs me to be there tomorrow.
KATE
“You should sleep. We'll find him or get on a plane for Hawaii,” Oliver says as he sits in the loveseat across from my bed.
Monica was waiting at Oliver's when we arrived in the night. I haven't slept, none of us have. They came with me to find Caleb; they brought me to get my car and cell phone. I missed his calls, and now we can't find him. Finally, we came to my house to regroup. Mom let me stay home sick and asked fewer than normal questions, leaving it at, “Talk when you're ready.” Monica climbs into bed with me and hugs me tightly.
“You told me so,” I tell her.
She hands me a tissue for my nose from the box on the bedside table. “I'm not keeping score, but you might listen to me in the future.”
“Wait a minute, my text messages are finally working,” Oliver says, holding up his phone. “I can't believe it. Finn.”
“What does it say?” I ask anxiously.
“He asked if you got Caleb's letter.” Oliver and I stare at one another.
“What?” He's already typing. We wait for the beep.
“Finn tried reaching you. There was a letter. He left it here early this morning. He slid it under the door when no one answered.”
“Where is it?”
Jake pops out of my bathroom, and Monica and I scream. “Oh, no,” he says. “I saw Allie with something.”
“What are you doing in there?”
“Spying. I told Mom I didn't feel good, but I really wanted to find out what's going on with you.”
I jump out of bed. “I'll deal with you later. Where's Allie? She might have eaten it.”
“Oh no!” We all race downstairs, calling for Allie.
“I found her!” Jake yells from somewhere in the house. I follow his voice to Allie's little corner with her doggie bed and toys. There is a crumpled envelope with one edge eaten away. Allie is hunched down on her bed, looking up at me with round, black eyes.
“Oh, Allie, good dog, you found the letter! Good doggie.” She wags her tail but keeps her head low, watching us.
“It's Caleb's handwriting.” I grab up the letter and try prying it open without further damage. The bite marks make it harder to open. He wrote to me, what a relief. But with his letter in my hands, the longing for him is almost more than I can bear.
I read it and relay what it says.
“He wanted to meet today, this morning, before his flight. Wanted to ask me something. What time is it?”
“Ten-thirty.”
“His flight is in a half hour.”
“You'll never make it.”
“I have to at least try.”
On the drive to the airport with Jake, Monica, Oliver, and Allie in the car, I call the inn's maintenance department. A guy with a Spanish accent answers the phone. I ask him if he's seen Caleb.
“No, Caleb go home. Not come back for long time.”
“Is Mr. Kalani there?”
“No, he go too. Sorry. Maybe you try his
casa
or go to airport. He fly today.”
The drive to the airport is endless. Monica takes over as I pull up at the unloading zone and jump out. I search the crowd for Caleb's black hair and wide shoulders, desperate to see his face, the face that fills with life when he sees me. I'm literally running now, not caring what I look like. I race for the gate, but of course, I can't get past security. The monitors will help me. I locate a row of television screens mounted from the ceiling.
Portland to Honoluluâthere it is.
But then before I read the gate number, I see that it's already departed, on time.
Enormous waves of grief fling themselves against my heart and shatter into bits like breaking glass. I want to be alone, but I don't want to be alone. There is no one I want to be with, but someone I wish would find me. He can't find me here. He's gone. He's gone and though it's only a flight away, it feels as if it might really be over forever. This strange sea of a future that stretches out before me continues far beyond my view.
I feel a silence echo through me, pounding from the inside trying to get out, as strong as the waves. And yet . . . it is all emptiness.
He is gone.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Romeo and Juliet
(Act 2, Scene 2)
CALEB
I will find a way to come back to her, if she can wait for me. But what if she can't wait for me? I may be a fool, one of those classic fools who goes off on his quest, believing in someone, giving it all for a love that eventually ends tragically. I have an odyssey to undertake, but I may return and find the love of my life has not waited for me. How could I ever ask her to do something like that anyway?
Finn picks me up at the airport and we drive the forty slow miles home. When we stop by the school, I see Ted getting into his car.
“You have some nerve,” he says when Finn pulls up beside him.
“Where is she?” I ask, jumping out. I have to tell Finn to stay in the car before this goes too far.
“Who knows?” he asks with a smile on his face. “I knew this would happen. You don't deserve her and you never will.”
“I'm not arguing with that. Was she at school today?”
“No,” a girl calls, and I recognize Katherine walking toward us with a smile on her face. “Try her house. Or Oliver's, she might be there.”
I stop at her house, and Jake explains about the letter and says they all went to the airport but got back an hour ago. The kid is pretty helpful, loaning me his cell phone and giving me Oliver's number.
Oliver sounds both relieved and worried when he realizes it's me. I reach him on the phone just as we're pulling up to his house. He comes out looking like he hasn't had any sleep. Worry creases his features.
“I don't know where she went. She was really upset and wanted to be alone. I tried to keep her with me and Monica, but she gave us the slip. No one has seen her all day.”
I think of the possibilities. “I know where she is.”
“Take my car, it's faster,” Oliver says, tossing me the keys.
Finn stares at me. He's been silent most of the day. But now he nods. “Go, cousin.”
I glance at the Porsche for a second. “Just be careful. I've only driven it twice,” Oliver calls after me as I open the door.
A spray of gravel flies up behind the tires as I take off. I fly along the winding coastal road. Evening is coming on fast, faster than I want it to. Tall pines envelope the road like a dark force eating up time. The car takes the sharp corners like nothing; I zip around slower traffic with a quick downshift and press on the gas. The Porsche would be great to drive on another day.
I'm trapped in time, every second tension-filled. It's not safe for her there alone. I remember the times I've caught her from almost falling. She should not be here, and I should never have shown it to her.
Finally, the highway turns south as I reach the rocky coast. Before long, I see the pull off; her car is there. I've already seen the water level. The tide is coming in. Wouldn't it be just like her to not pay attention to something like the tide?
With a click to the lock button, I sprint down the trail until I reach the bare rock cliff. There's no rope secured to the tree. She climbed without a rope and, I'm betting, the wrong kind of shoes. As I move down, I can imagine her slipping her way along the rocks. The waves are hitting the bottom of the rock cliff with force. What if she's fallen in? She could be hurt or dead. What if she is dead?
My mind flashes a red fear that pumps adrenaline through me. As I scan the water, I dig my fingers and feet into the ridges in the sharp rock.
She probably came here hours ago. Why would she still be here? Unless she is hurt.
Then I come around the precarious bend where the rock makes a slide down to the jagged floor, where violent waves are pounding at intervals. I can see into the cave now, and there she is. Her blonde hair flies up with the force of the wind on the waves that are reaching closer and closer to the cave bottom.
I stare at her as she stares out at the sea. She's like something, some Greek goddess . . . and also so small and vulnerable. I slide around a boulder and drop down to the very edge of the cave.
“Kate,” I call to her.
KATE
The waves are beginning to rise, coming closer and closer to the floor of the cave.
My clothes are wet and my body ice cold. But my feet remain here, anchored in place by some force, by a loss that cements me to this spot as the waves get closer.
I hear his voice in the sea, and I just wish to join it, to escape a world without him. But another voice inside of me tells me to stay.
Be strong, I am with you. I will be with you forever
.
I know this voice. And I'll listen to the eternal voice that will be with me, save me somehow from this grief that threatens to end me.