Call the Shots (27 page)

“Oh, I don’t think you do,” Nessa warns her quickly. “You nailed it with your latte and it looks pretty pissed. It’s all red-eyed and frothing at the mouth. I think it might be rabid, actually.”

Oh, Nessa. Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I take the cue and make what I imagine to be a loud rabid raccoon sound, kind of a hiss-howl thing.

“Jesus,” the coffee hurler says. “You think it’d attack us from the bottom of a dumpster?”

“Are you kidding?” Nessa argues. “They’ve got back legs like a kangaroo. He’ll launch himself at you and bite the shit out of your face.”

“Reeeeeeek!” I screech, scraping the side of the metal of the bin with my fingernails.

The girls shriek. “Let’s get the fuck out of here!” Cathy says. “We can call animal control from the break room.”

The girls’ shoes crunch through the snow as they stampede away. I listen for the sound of the
EMPLOYEES ONLY
door clinking shut. It does, and after waiting another few just-to-be-safe minutes, I finally brave getting to my feet. I grab the ledge of the dumpster and pull myself up to have a look.

There’s no one around.

I can’t believe it. Nessa totally saved me. I don’t get it. One minute I think she’s in cahoots with Cathy, and the next she’s bailing me out of the most embarrassing situation of my life.

I swing my leg up, climb over the side, and jump to the ground.

Only to see the Wal-Mart door start to push open again.

Goddamn it, here they come. Probably armed with cameras or harpoons or something. I knew Nessa’s turnaround seemed too good to be true.

I dive behind the dumpster, flop to the ground, and try to shimmy underneath. Gravel pokes into my naked chest, arms, and thighs. But there’s no way I’ll fit. It’s too low. Too tight.

I’m screwed.

A second later, I hear laughter. This time it’s of just the Nessa-only variety.

“What the hell are you doing down there?”

I look up from the ground to see Nessa standing there, partially silhouetted against the sun, with something wadded up in her right hand. She appears to be alone.

“I was just . . . I thought . . .” I mutter. “I dropped something.”

“Really?”
Nessa says. “Like, all of your clothes?”

“It’s a long story.” I get to my feet, covering the front of my clinging, clammy coffee-browned boxers with one hand and brushing the embedded pebbles from my skin with the other.

“No kidding,” she says. She glances down at my crotch. “You need medical attention there?”

“Uh . . . no. I’ll be okay.” My neck and ears burn. “It wasn’t that hot.”

Nessa takes a step closer. “You sure you don’t want me to take a look? You know, just to make sure?”

“No.” I stumble backward, visions of every porno nurse I’ve ever seen on the Internet popping up in my mind. And they’re not the only thing popping up. Damn it. Change the film, change the film. Hairy men’s butts. Ms. Luntz’s gazongas. Maggot-infested wampa guts. “I’m good, thanks. I, uh . . . I don’t think you want to get much closer. I kind of stink.”

Nessa sniffs the air. “Is that you? I thought it was the dumpster.”

“The rotten food is the dumpster. The bird shit and coffee, that’s me.”

She chuckles. “Okay, I’ll keep my distance.” Then she holds out the balled-up thing she’s been holding. “I got you an old uniform. I thought you could use it.”

I’ve never been so psyched about khakis and a polo in my entire life. “Wow, Nessa, thank you. That’s . . . that’s really nice of you. I guess I’m going to owe you.”

She smiles. “I guess so.”

I glance at the
EMPLOYEES ONLY
door. “Are you sure this is okay? I don’t want to get you into trouble.”

“Nobody’s going to miss it. Just give it back to me the next time I see you.”

“Great. Thanks again.” I quickly tug on the khakis and pull the polo over my head. It’s all a bit big, but it feels so damn good to be covered up again.

Nessa glances at her cell phone. “I’ve gotta go. But I want to hear all the details about this at our next writing session. I bet it ties in nicely with your tarot reading.”

“I don’t know about that,” I say. “I didn’t actually
die
of humiliation — though I came pretty close.”

Sure, it’s a lame joke. But Nessa doesn’t even crack a smile. “Tarot isn’t a science, Sean. It’s an art. You can’t expect it to be so literal.”

I worry that I’ve upset her by not taking it seriously enough, but after a second Nessa’s expression softens. “Anyway, I’d be willing to put good money on the fact that this whole disaster has something to do with that thing you’ve been so conflicted about.”

I can’t help it — my gaze immediately goes to her boobs. But then I clench my eyes shut and force myself to think of the
real
conflict in my life: Leyna and Evelyn. And I wonder how much worse this little bird-shit-tastrophy has made things with them.

“I
’D ONLY GOTTEN HALFWAY
through explaining how I’d just f-f-f-f-f-
forgotten
to p-p-p-p-
pay,
” Coop says, demonstrating the horrible stutter he pretended to have to get out of being prosecuted for shoplifting, “and the rent-a-cop got so frustrated with me that he finally just let me off.”

“You don’t even feel bad about it, do you?” I ask. “Exploiting a disability like that?”

Coop makes a face. “Please. If anyone should feel bad it’s Paul Blart. He’s the one who didn’t have the patience to wait for a poor stutterer to f-f-f-
finish
t-t-t-
telling
his s-s-s-
story.
”

Just then, my bedroom door bursts opens and Matt rushes in. “Holy crap,” he says, looking all bleary eyed, like he didn’t sleep a wink last night. “Evelyn is totally insane. You were right. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.”

Coop, Matt, and me have convened at my house today to finalize the casting for the movie and to organize our filming schedule for this week.

Well, that, and to debrief each other on what went down at the mall yesterday.

“So what the hell happened?” Coop laughs. “Your texts last night were incoherent.”

“Oh, my God, okay, so listen to this.” Matt hops up on my bed and leans forward. “
After
Evelyn tried calling Sean’s phone a billion times. And
after
we tried calling your phone, Coop.”

“I was being detained,” he explains.

“Yeah, well, when we couldn’t get in touch with you guys, Evelyn started getting more and more panicky, until at last she’s convinced something terrible’s happened to you. So we search every freakin’ store in the mall, including both restrooms, then she badgers security to announce your names over the PA system. And we wait and wait, and when I finally say that maybe we should just give up and go home, Evelyn goes absolutely ballistic. I might as well have suggested we strangle a couple of babies. She started screaming and wailing and blubbering that I was a terrible friend and that you both could be dead in a ditch somewhere.”

“Oh, man. It sounds like a total nightmare.” Coop bites his lower lip, trying not to crack up as he leans back in my desk chair. “You’re a real hero, there, Mattie.”

Matt gives Coop a death stare. “Thanks for nothing, dipshit. But I’m
still
not finished.” Matt shakes his head like he can’t believe he actually survived this train wreck. “So we’re searching all the stores.
Again.
And Evelyn’s darting in and out asking all the employees —
again
— if maybe they’d seen you two. All this time, I’m trying to talk her down, but everything I say keeps making her madder and madder until finally, I swear to God, I see her jack a shirt from GUESS. Right after the store clerk blows her off. Evelyn’s totally steamed, ranting and raving, and she grabs this fancy blue guy’s shirt off the shelf and stuffs it into her purse.”

“What?”
Coop says. “She doesn’t get caught and I do? That’s bullshit!”

“Yeah, well,” Matt goes on, “at this point I don’t know what the hell to do. I’m thinking maybe she was just so crazed she didn’t realize that she was stealing. So, when I try to casually ask her about it, Evelyn goes apocalyptic. She rips the arm off a sweater mannequin at H&M and starts clubbing me with it.”

That’s when Coop completely loses it. He doubles over, howling with laughter, tears rolling down his cheeks. And I can’t help it, I start cracking up too. The image of Evelyn whaling on Matt with a mannequin arm is just too priceless.

“Laugh it up, boys,” Matt says. “You weren’t the ones who got chased down an up escalator by an arm-wielding klepto psychopath.”

“Oh, man.” Coop is laughing so hard he can barely speak. “I would have paid good money to see that.” He sniffles, wiping the corners of his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Matt,” I say, catching my breath. “God, she sure didn’t seem too concerned about me when I tried getting in touch with her last night. She wouldn’t even take my call.”

Matt grimaces. “Yeah, well, she
was
concerned. Until we were leaving the mall. We’re heading toward the bus stop, Evelyn’s blowing her nose, apologizing for wigging out on me, when suddenly she stops dead in her tracks. And her eyes narrow. Then she starts running after this bus and screaming at the top of her lungs, ‘Stop! Stop! Stop that bus!’”

Coop and I stare at Matt with identical you’ve-got-to-be-shitting-me faces.

Matt holds up his hand. “I swear to God, I had no freakin’ clue what the hell she was flipping out about until the bus pulled away and she came back. It was like she’d flicked a switch. She was totally calm.
Eerily
calm, especially after everything I’d just witnessed. She said that she’d just seen the girl you were flirting with in drama class. Then she told me to have a good night and marched off.”

“Leyna?” I say, my lungs feeling like punctured balloons. “She saw Leyna? Holy shit!” I stand and start to pace the room. “You should have led with that information, Matt. It would have given me more time to go into hiding.”

Matt screws up his face. “What are you talking about?”

“Evelyn’s brother! Nick? Giant guy? Navy SEAL? Remember him? I’m sure she’s told him by now. Oh, God. I’m a dead man. That’s it. Forget the movie. Forget everything. I have to get out of here.” I bolt to my closet, grab a duffel bag, and start shoving clothes into it.

“What the hell, dawg?” Coop says. “Chillax. It’s not like she saw you two together. So she saw Leyna at the mall? Big whoop. That’s hardly incriminating. I seriously doubt Nick will do anything just based on that.”

As if on cue, there’s a pounding on the front door. The entire houseful of animals erupts into barks, hisses, and squawks.

I freeze. My eyes go wide. I look at Matt. At Coop. My hands start to shake.

Coop lets out a nervous laugh. “Come on. That’s
so
not him.”

Another set of bangs on the door. The sound of a massive fist beating on wood.

I gulp. “You guys, what the hell should I do?”

But Coop’s still in denial. “There’s no way. What are the chances of that? It’s like he followed Matt here and then waited for him to fill you in before —”

“I know you’re in there, Sean! You and your pals!”

There’s no doubt about it. That’s Nick’s voice.

He shouts again, and we have no trouble hearing him all the way up in my room: “You and me need to talk, guy, so get your ass down here right now!”

“A
LONE, IF YOU DON’T MIND,”
Nick says when I show up at the front door flanked by Matt and Coop.

“Whatever you need to say to Sean you can say to us,” Coop replies. He’s armed with a baseball bat. Matt wields my replica
wakizashi
sword. And I’m clutching my shillelagh like my life depends on it.

Which maybe it does.

Nick laughs. “You guys are cute.” He chin-gestures to the weapons. “I’m not going to hurt you, Sean. It’s true, my sister’s very upset, but I’m here as peacemaker. I swear.”

I don’t know why I believe him, but I do. Something about the tone of his voice. The look in his eyes. The lack of any visible firearms.

I turn back to Matt and Coop. “It’s okay. I’ve got this.”