Callahan's Place 10 - Off The Wall At Callahan's (v5.0) (7 page)

I longed to know the future, like the Oracle of Delphi

And then this cat knocked on my door: Goddam, it was myself! I

got the time travel blues, since I met myself comin' in;

I'd tell you all about it…but where the hell do I begin?

      
He said that I was going to invent a time machine—

      
That is to say,
I
told me, if you follow what I mean.

      
I said, "I'm no inventor, man: I'll never ever get it."

      
But he said "Copy this one, and we both can share the credit!"

I cranked it up, it blew right up, and then and there I died.

I wonder who that joker was, and why the bastard lied…

Got the time travel blues: one of my life's most awful shocks

Now I could use a doctor: in fact, I need a paradox

If I am dead, my murderer can't logically exist

But here I am in pieces, and I'm really gettin' pissed

I got the time travel blues—it's only natural, bein' dead

To want to think that time is really only in your head

Spice

And when I've just assuaged your lust

By flicker-light of telly

I love to lie between your thighs

My cheek upon your belly

To smell you and to feel you
 

And to hear your small intestine

And know that this is perfect bliss

Just as it was predestined

In the hour that my death draws near

      
And I wonder what my life was for

      
It'll be the afterglows

      
With your fragrance in my nose

      
I'll remember and relive once more

And now I rest, caress your breast

And sail in satiation

On the oceanic motion

Of your rhythmic respiration

And now my lips and fingertips

Are flavoured sweet and sour

For I have nipped and fully sipped

My favorite furry flower

      
In the hour that my death draws near

      
And I wonder what my life was for

      
It'll be the afterglows

      
With your fragrance in my nose

      
I'll remember and relive once more

I know in time I'll have to climb

Up next to you for sleep

With no regret, but not just yet

This moment let me keep

And suddenly it comes to me

—how glorious and dumb!—

I had so much fun making love

I plain forgot to come…

Please, Dr. Frankenstein

I've walked a thousand miles in an effort to retain ya

And I didn't come for charity: I fully plan on payin' ya

But I've been so depressive, guess I'm ready for some mania

That's why I've traveled all this way to gloomy Transylvania, singin

Please Dr. Frankenstein, won't you try and bring me back to life?

Cause I truly have been grieving' since I got "Goodbye, I'm leavin" from my wife

I'm slowly goin nuts because the memory of her cuts me like a knife

Please Dr. Frankenstein, won't you try and bring me back to life?

I cannot seem to find my pulse; my temperature is down

And I can tell I smell like hell, the way that people frown

I feel like rigor mortis, all I do is lay around

You gotta help me Frankenstein, I'm halfway in the ground (I'm beggin)

Please Dr. Frankenstein, I am up for any kind of change

Spent evenings in this coffin just a little bit too often, and it's strange

Please don't consider me more than some flesh for you and Igor
      
to arrange

Please Dr. Frankenstein, I am up for any kind of change

I'll stagger like the victim of a wreck

I'll wear those funny bolt-things in my neck

I’d love to be in stitches—what the heck

Do you need cash, or will you take a check?

I'm not afraid of what you'll do—I'm immunized to pain

Cause everything I ever had has bubbled down the drain

Make me the Pride of Frankenstein and I will not complain

Just strap me down and let me have a transplant of the brain: I need it

Please Dr. Frankenstein, won't you try and raise me from the dead?

My heart is barely beatin since I caught the woman cheatin in our bed

My entire world's a coffin and it doesn't get me off an like I said

Please Dr. Frankenstein, won't you try and raise me from the dead?

Come to My Bedside

by

Zaccur Bishop

Come to my bedside and let there be sharing

Uncounterfeitable sign of your caring

Take off the clothes of your body and mind

Bring me your nakedness; help me in mine…

Help me believe that I’m worthy of trust

Bring me a love that includes honest lust

Warmth is for fire; fire is for burning

Love is for bringing an ending to yearning…

For I love you in a hundred ways, and not for this alone

But your lovin’ is the sweetest lovin’ I have ever known

Come to my bedside and let there be giving

Licking and laughing and loving and living

Sing me a song that has never been sung

Dance at the end of my fingers and tongue

Take me inside you and bring up your knees

Wrap me up tight in your thighs and then squeeze

Or if you feel like it, you get on top

Love me however you please, but please…don’t stop

For I love you in a hundred ways, and not for this alone

But your lovin’ is the sweetest lovin’ I have ever known

      
I know just what you’re thinking of

      
There’s more to love than making love

      
There’s much more to the flower than the bloom

      
But every time we meet in bed

      
I find myself inside your head

      
Even as I’m entering your womb

So come to my bedside and let there be loving

Twisting and moaning and thrusting and shoving

I will be gentle; you know that I can

For you I’ll endeavor to be quite a singular man…

Here’s my identity, stamped on my genes

Take this my offering: know what it means

Let us become what we started to be

On that long-ago night when you first came with me…

O, lady! I love you in a hundred ways, and not for this alone

But your lovin’ is the sweetest lovin’ I have ever known

Out of Your Way

You went out of your way to make sure I’d love you

And now you say be patient for awhile

You went out of your way to be just as nice as you could be

Until I fell, and then you modified your style

You say you’re somebody else’s slave…I suppose we all got our crosses

But I ain’t nobody’s slave and I figure it’s time I cut my losses

You could end up mine some way, but baby until that day

I’m goin’ out of your way by a country mile

You went out of your way to make sure that I’d need you

You taught me the significance of need

And I went out of my way to show you who I am and how I fell

Which is for me a think remarkable indeed

You got a lotta laughs inside, but I’m afraid that’s where they’re keepin’

You got a lotta tears there too, and I reckon you’re much more fond of weepin’

You could end up mine, it’s so—but baby, until I know

I’m goin’ out of your way with all due speed

You went out of your way to make sure that I’d want you

With your eyes as much as with your knowing hands

But you’ll never be happy at all until you want to

And till I don’t want to be makin’ long-term plans

They’ve already dealt the hand: I’ll either win it or else I won’t

You understand how I feel and you either want me or else you don’t

Take as long as you need to decide—but baby, I got my pride

And I’m goin’ out of your way while I still can

—oh, can’t you see?

You ain’t no use to me like this: there ain’t enough of you left to miss

Why don’t you come out of your way, just one more time, with me?

Hardon You

I know my constant horniness gets hardon you

Sometimes it seems I’m always in the mood

If that is so I truly beg your pardon, too

It wasn’t my intention to be rude

      
My love is like
 
my horniness, in that it never quits

      
But I’d love you if you didn’t have those tits

Men have only got the one thing on their mind

It gets so repetitious it’s a crime

Somebody said a hard man is good to find

As long as you don’t find him every goddam time

      
You are not only
 
something that I lust for, that I hunt

      
I would love you if you didn’t have a cunt

I’m neurotically erotic, with a taste for the exotic

And your body is hypnotic when it’s next to me

I’m dementedly attentive, and in need of no incentive

But you know you represent much more than sex to me…

You know that I was horny for you from the start

And that’s the way it’s always gonna be

But you ought to know your sexiness is just a part

Of the value you will always have for me

      
It may have been what caught my eye: it isn’t why I stick

      
I would love you if I didn’t have a dick

Mountain Lady

(Jeanne’s Song)

Mountain Lady, sing for me: your singing makes me glad to be alive

Mountain Lady, give to me your lovin’, for it helps me to survive

Mountain Lady, stay with me, and let me drink your beauty with my eyes

I want you to lay with me, and be there in the morning when I rise

      
You give me what I need, and you need what I can give

      
Like you I live for loving, and like me you love to live

      
I swear I’ll make you happy if there’s any way I can

      
And if you will be my Mountain Lady, I will be your man…

Mountain Lady, smile for me: your smile is like the rising of the sun

Wait a little while for me—I’m coming back as fast as I can run

Mountain Lady, talk with me, for talking is essential to our growth

I want you to walk with me through all the days remaining to us both

      
You give me what I need, and you need what I can give

      
Like you I live for loving, and like me you love to live

      
I swear I’ll make you happy if there’s any way I can

      
And if you will be my Mountain Lady, I will be your man…

Mountain Lady, dance for me

Your dancing takes my breath away, you know…

Save that loving glance for me—I love it when you let your loving show

Mountain Lady, give to me a kind of love I’ve never had before

I want you to live with me: I cannot live without you any more…

      
You give me what I need, and you need what I can give

      
Like you I live for loving, and like me you love to live

      
My love is deep and stronger than a river running wild

      
I want to be your lover, and the father of your child…

Dramatis Personae: 

I believe in my heart of hearts—and in my brain of brains, for that matter—that an epigram should be like a good son-in-law: completely self-supporting.  If it needs footnotes, it’s not an epigram.  My old friend and esteemed editor Jim Frenkel, however (like clams, he’s better esteemed than eschewed), is certain you will find the epigrams in this book more enjoyable if you know a little something about their speakers.  And he is quite keen that you enjoy yourself, since he has overpaid me so outrageously for this volume and wants to be sure you’ll give copies to all your friends for Christmas.  Who could argue with that?  Well…me, for one. 

      
It’s not just that I’m lazy, though I’m proud to say I am.  It’s not even that he’s getting extra work out of me for free, which offends my religion.  My feeling is that if you finish this book curious to know more about the people whose wit and wisdom hold its covers apart, the sensible thing for
me
to do would be to just refer you to the six available volumes in which they appear at much greater length, and hope you take the bait.  

      
But in all fairness, I have to admit that might not be the most sensible thing for
Jim
to do, as none of those six books is published by this house just now. (Although Jim was the editor who bought the first Callahan book…and was working for Tom Doherty at the time!  Life is strange.)  Therefore I bow to his editorial insight, marketing savvy, and phenomenal endurance in argument.