Can't Wait to Get to Heaven (20 page)

Where’s Elner?

8:30
AM

B
ack in Elmwood Springs, the phone lines had been buzzing all morning with the news and latest reports about Elner. Out on the farm Elner’s good friend Louise Franks had been up all night worried and wondering how she was going to tell Polly, her retarded daughter, about Elner. Polly didn’t understand about death. How could she explain that Polly would never see Elner again? Louise burst into tears when Irene Goodnight called her and told her that Elner was alive. Tot and Ruby had been so busy answering questions and calling people that they totally forgot about feeding the cat, feeding the birds, or filling the birdbath, and Sonny the cat was not happy. He had just walked over to his dish and discovered that it was empty. This was a shock to him. His breakfast was always there at this time. He hunched down and stared at the dish for a while, then got up and wandered around the house. Then he came back to his dish and sat there thinking cat thoughts, wondering whether or not to take a nap or try to catch one of those birds that were flying all over the yard, also upset and wondering where their birdseed was. One old blue jay was squawking his head off, and three smaller birds sat in the birdbath looking for water to splash around in. Two squirrels sat in a tree nattering at each other. The old lady had always thrown a couple of biscuits out the back door for them by now. Something was not right. After a few minutes of debating the issue, Sonny opted to take a nap and went to his spot on the back of the sofa.

Meanwhile a red-eyed Luther Griggs was just pulling into a Flying J truck stop outside of Yuma, Arizona, and he had never felt so alone in his entire life. As he climbed into the back of the truck to get some shut-eye, he thought about what Elner had told him over and over. “Honey, you need to get married. I’m not going to live forever, and I want to think that you won’t be left all by yourself. As much as you don’t think it, you need to be with somebody. Women can handle it, but men don’t do well alone.” He had not wanted to get married, and as much as she’d said it, he never thought she would really die. But now that she had, he saw that she was right. He was so lonesome, and if Elner had liked Bobbie Jo Newberry, he figured she was the one. Miss Elner had always known what was right for him, so why fool around? And so before he drifted off, he made up his mind; when he got home, he’d go on over to the Dairy Queen where she worked and pop the question.

The Arrangements

8:31
AM

B
y the time the Warrens arrived back at the hospital the next morning, Elner’s room was filled with flowers. All the arrangements that had been ordered yesterday to be sent to the funeral home had been rerouted to her hospital room instead. Unfortunately, Neva down at the Rest Assured Funeral Home had not had time to change the cards, and most were still signed “With deepest sympathy” or “Our thoughts and our prayers are with you.” And the flowers from Elner’s friend Louise Franks said “Gone but not forgotten.”

When the Warrens walked into her room, she was sitting up in bed and happy to see them. “Look at all my flowers!” she said. “It looks like a funeral parlor in here, doesn’t it?” Then she laughed. “I never knew I was so popular till everybody thought I had croaked.” She then pointed to a large arrangement of orange gladiolus. “That’s from Bud and Jay, wasn’t that nice, those others are from the Missouri Power and Light Company. Beverly Cortwright sent me those white roses, you know that set her back a pretty penny.”

“Wow, Aunt Elner,” said Linda, “I’ve never seen so many flowers in my life.”

“I know! We had to put some in the bathroom. I feel kinda guilty people spent all this money on a false pretense. Merle and Verbena sent me an azalea that I can plant, but the rest of them are just money wasted.” She turned to Norma and said, “Norma, promise me that next time you will tell everybody, no flowers. They shouldn’t have to send them twice.”

After a while Dr. Brian Lang, true to his promise, stopped back by and knocked lightly on the door. “Hello.”

When Elner saw him, she waved. “Hey. Come on in, I want you to meet everybody. This is my head doctor…he examined my head.”

He walked in and said, “Hello, I’m Dr. Lang.”

Elner said, “This is my niece Linda I was telling you about, the one with the Chinese baby. This is my niece Norma, and her husband, Macky.”

They all said hello and shook hands. Dr. Lang quickly glanced at Linda again, and then said, “Mrs. Warren, may I speak to you for a moment?”

“Oh, of course.”

When they walked outside the door, he said, “Mrs. Warren, I just wanted to let you know, all her tests show that there was no brain damage, or long-term or short-term memory loss.”

“Oh, well, that is a relief,” said Norma. “She was out for a long time, and I was worried it might have done something.”

“No, she’s perfectly fine. Her conversation is slightly disjointed, but that is entirely consistent with someone her age, so I wouldn’t be concerned about that.”

Norma said, “Oh, I’m not, Doctor, her conversation was always slightly disjointed, long before this.”

When they went back inside, Dr. Lang walked over to Elner. “I have to take off now, but I wanted to say good-bye before I left.”

“I’m so glad you did. I wanted you to meet Linda.”

The doctor then looked at Linda. “So your aunt tells me you live in St. Louis, is that right?”

“Yes,” she said.

“I see.” Then he turned back to Elner. “Well, good luck, Mrs. Shimfissle. Don’t be falling out of any more trees, OK?”

Elner laughed. “No, I won’t. I have a feeling my fig picking days are over.”

After the Warrens visited for a while, they concluded that Elner was doing well enough for Linda to go back home, and Macky and Linda left for the airport.

The second they walked out the door, Elner suddenly became very excited and said to Norma, “Lock the door, Norma. Hurry before the nurse comes back, I’ve just been wanting to get you alone, I’ve got something to tell you. Hurry up.”

Norma walked over and locked the door and then came closer to the bed. “What is it?”

Elner said, “I know you’re mad at me for falling off the ladder, but when you hear what I have to tell you, you’ll be so glad I did, you’ll thank me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know the old saying ‘I felt like I just died and went to heaven’?”

“Yes?”

“Well…I really did!”

“Did what?”

“
Died and went to heaven!
I wanted you to be the first to know. Aren’t you happy? And oh, Norma,” Elner said, with her eyes shining, “I just wish you could have been with me to see how wonderful it all is! I know how you worry about your health and dying, but now you won’t have to be scared ever again, because people don’t ever stop, we just go on and on forever…. Isn’t that just the best news?”

Norma said, “Well, yes, honey, we all hope that’s true, but—”

Elner interrupted her. “Oh, it is! And you’ll never guess in a million years who I saw.”

“Who?”

“Your mother!”

“
My mother?
”

“And guess what else? She knows Tot did her hair.”

Now Norma was alarmed. “
What?
”

“Yes, but don’t worry about it, I smoothed it over, and after that I had a nice visit with Neighbor Dorothy and Raymond. You remember Neighbor Dorothy?”

Norma, who at this point was totally confused by the conversation, said, “Of course I remember Neighbor Dorothy…but I don’t understand what you are talking about…. Who’s Raymond?”

“Dorothy’s husband.”

When Elner said that, Norma realized what was going on and said, “Oh, Aunt Elner, you must have been having some sort of dream, honey. Don’t you remember, Neighbor Dorothy’s husband was named Robert.”

Elner said, “Well, I can’t help that he looks like her first husband, but she’s married to Raymond now, and it was no
dream,
Norma. Dorothy was as alive as you and I are right now. And I saw Ginger Rogers and Princess Mary Margaret, Dorothy’s old cocker spaniel. There are dogs and cats up there too. Isn’t that good news? And, oh, I had a nice visit with Ernest Koonitz, and Thomas Edison stopped in to say hello.”

Norma sank down in the chair. “Oh dear God,” thought Norma as an excited Elner continued, telling her in great detail everything that had happened from the moment she got onto the elevator until she floated up off the porch and over to the hospital and woke up back in her room. When Elner finished, she looked at Norma with a big smile and exclaimed, “So, what do you think about that? I was dead down here, but still going up there!”

Norma sat there in a daze, not really sure what to say, and just stared at Elner with a pained little expression for a moment. Then Norma asked, “Aunt Elner…are you
sure
you were really dead?”

“How should I know, honey? I’m not a medical expert, I’m just a person, all I know is what I saw, and who I talked to, and imagine, Tom Edison came to see me! He is the nicest man, so humble.”

“Oh my God,” Norma thought again. The doctor had been totally wrong. Aunt Elner’s brain
had
been damaged. The poor thing really believed she had been to heaven and talked to dead people. Norma knew this was a serious situation with untold consequences and that she would have to tread lightly, so she reached over and took Elner’s hand and asked sweetly, “Aunt Elner, have you told anybody else about your…visit?”

“No, not yet, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

Norma forced a small smile. “And I’m so glad, but, sweetheart, I really think it would be best if you didn’t mention this to anyone else, OK?”

Elner was taken aback. “Why?”

“Well, just promise me that this will be our little secret. All right? Will you do that for me?”

“But why? Shouldn’t everybody know? I have a few messages I was supposed to deliver.”

“Aunt Elner…Please, if you love me, just promise me that you won’t tell anybody about seeing polka-dotted squirrels or Thomas Edison or any of the rest, OK?”

“But why? I don’t understand.”

Norma was firm. “Just trust me, Aunt Elner, I have my reasons.”

Elner was disappointed. “All right, Norma, I promise but—”

At that moment the nurse knocked loudly on the door. “Mrs. Warren, you have a phone call at the desk.”

Norma, still somewhat addled, went outside and picked up the phone. It was Louise Franks.

“How is Elner? Is she all right?”

Norma said, “Oh, Louise, she’s doing just fine. They did a lot of tests and everything looks good, no broken bones, just a few bruises and wasp stings, but other than that she’s OK.”

A much relieved Louise said, “Well, thank the Lord. I’ve been worried to death.”

“Well, don’t worry, everything else seems to be fine,” she lied again. “I’ll tell her you called, Louise.”

“Oh, please do, and tell her Polly and I are sending her all our love.”

“I will.”

“Do you think she’ll be home for Easter?”

“I’m not sure, but I’ll let you know.”

Norma hung up, and thought, “Aunt Elner might be home for Easter, if she keeps her mouth shut and they don’t cart her off to the loony bin first.”

As Norma turned around she saw a familiar face smiling at her.

“Mrs. Warren?” he said. “I wonder if I might have a word with you.”

She did not want to talk to him, but even under stress Norma was polite. She knew who he was. She had seen his ad on television enough times. Gus Shimmer, the largest lawyer in town, as he liked to call himself. Macky said he was one of those ambulance chasers, but as much as she wanted to get back in the room with Aunt Elner, she sat down with him and let him run through his entire speech, while she kept an eye on the door to Elner’s room.

After he finished she said, “I appreciate your concern, Mr. Shimmer, but we’re just grateful she is alive, thank you for coming.”

Shimmer, not to be put off, said, “Mrs. Warren, I don’t think you quite realize what mental and emotional stress this mishap—or as I prefer to call it, this gross case of negligence and malpractice—has placed on you and your family.”

“Listen, believe me, I do know, better than anybody…. It’s going to take a week to write all those thank-you cards for the flowers alone, but really, I don’t want to sue anybody. All I know is, that poor doctor certainly didn’t do anything on purpose.”

“Mrs. Warren,” he said, “in a situation like this, purpose is neither here nor there, the fact is that it did happen and in their hospital. To pronounce a patient dead when she is still alive is certainly more than grounds for a lawsuit—a major lawsuit. And if you let me handle this, I can guarantee you that by the time we get through, you might very well own this entire hospital.”

Norma looked at him, puzzled. “Why would I want to own a
hospital
?” she asked while still watching the door. “No, I just wouldn’t feel right about it.”

“How would you feel about twenty-five, or depending on the jury we can get, maybe as high as fifty million dollars? Would that make you feel any better?”

Suddenly Norma did not like the tone of his voice, and turned to him and said, “Mr. Shimmer, I’m not a fool. Who wouldn’t like to have that kind of money? But to get it by ruining a doctor’s life and costing these people so much. No, I just couldn’t do it, not and sleep at night. I’m sorry but you are wasting your time.” She stood up to leave.

Shimmer stood up and said, “Maybe I should talk to your husband and explain to him. He might make you understand a little more clearly.”

“I do understand, and I am trying to tell you just as politely as I know how, I’m really not interested in suing anybody, and my husband isn’t either.”

Mr. Shimmer looked over at the door to Elner’s room. “Then I suppose I will have to go straight to Mrs. Shimfissle. After all, she is the injured party here.”

Norma felt her face flush. “Do what you think you have to, but I can tell you she is not suing anybody, except maybe you, for harassment of an old sick lady. She might even get a restraining order against you, and have you thrown out of the hospital, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.”

After Shimmer waddled away in a huff, Norma was glad she had watched so many Perry Mason shows with Aunt Elner, because she had pulled out some legal terms she didn’t even know she knew. She hoped she had not hurt Mr. Shimmer’s feelings, but some people just force you to be rude. Then it dawned on her, for the first time in her life, she had finally put her foot down about
something.