I was caught, pure and simple, and there would be no easy way out.
“I love you,” I told Greg's picture again and again that weekend, tears in my eyes. “I'm so sorry. Somehow I'll fix this. Somehow I'll make it right.”
But then I imagined visiting Derek and telling him we could only be friends. I knew the pain he would feel, and I could not bear it. He didn't deserve that, especially not in his feeble state. And there was one more reasonâthe selfish, inexcusable reason whose very existence caused me the most anguish. A part of me did not want to break off what we had started.
“You don't see Derek today?” Greg asked when he phoned Sunday afternoon.
“No,” I replied lightly. “I don't need to see him so often anymore. I mean, at first we thought like he might not make it. But he's gettin' stronger now. Really amazingly fast. The doctors even say they'll probably move him out of intensive care in a day or two.”
“Oh, that is good,” Greg replied. “God answers my prayers.” I could hear his relief that I would not be seeing Derek as much, and it only made me feel worse. He was trying to be so understanding of Derek's need for friends. If only he knew what I was feeling. I
couldn't
let him know. He didn't deserve that.
School started on Monday, and our family quickly readjusted itself to the familiar schedule. By the second day I again faced the unhappy task of helping Clarissa with her math. And studying my own homework, and making supper and doing laundry. I found myself looking forward to the day when Katherine would be around to help with the household tasks.
By Wednesday, I could not avoid Derek any longer. He was asking for me, Katherine told me at supper that night. She looked at me pointedly, and for the first time I saw expectation in her eyes. “He's in a regular room now,” she reminded me. “No reason you can't see him any evening. If I know you're going, my parents and I'll stay home.”
Her lack of subtlety dragged instant betrayal through my stomach. She was pushing me toward Derek! So much for her wanting me to be with Greg. I could only imagine that Derek's accident had laden Katherine with guilt over not helping him sooner. She'd chosen my desires over those of her own flesh and blood. Now, evidently, she had amends to make.
I flicked my gaze at Daddy. Disapproval tightened his mouth as he surveyed Katherine. A second realization stilled me in my chair. While Katherine was pressuring me for her brother's sake, Daddy clearly empathized with me. Perhaps he was remembering the complexity of his own teenage years. I glanced from him to Katherine. Were my own issues going to cause problems in their relationship?
“Okay, Katherine,” I blurted, standing quickly to clear the table. I did not want to look into her eyes another moment. “I'll . . . go tomorrow.”
“Good. I'll tell him you'll be there.”
The decisiveness in her voice was unmistakable. No way to back out now.
I was surprised to see how much improvement six days had brought to Derek. The bruises on his face had waned, and he had more color in his cheeks. His new semiprivate room was so much quieter without all the blips and beeps of intensive care. The second bed in the room lay empty. My heart did an odd little flip when I saw that we would be completely aloneâwhether from relief or apprehension I couldn't tell. Maybe both.
The shaved side of Derek's head bristled with new growth. “Great haircut,” I told him.
He made a face. “It itches.”
We smiled tentatively at each other.
“Where you been?” he asked quietly. “I thought maybe I scared you away.”
There went that tug again in my chest. I couldn't stand to think that my mere absence would cause him worry. “No, no,” I assured him. “I've just been busy with school and everything.”
Derek looked into my eyes and knew I was lying. He dropped his gaze to the sheet.
I moved closer to the bed and took his hand. He searched my face again, as if trying to see whether I'd done it out of sheer pity. I couldn't let him think that. “I've missed you,” I ventured, squeezing his fingers.
He nodded. “Yeah, well. I stopped by your house a couple a times, but you were out.”
I tried not to wince at the blame underlying his facetious words.
I pulled a chair up beside his bed, and we talked about school, the teachers, my classes. We avoided all discussion of what lay heaviest on our minds. I think at that point Derek knew he had to slow down, that he couldn't push me. And apparently he was prepared to wait me out. After all, he'd made me a promise.
I touched his lips lightly with mine as I left. I suppose because he'd been thoughtful enough not to ask me to. “Come again tomorrow night?” he pressed.
“I don't know. If Daddy and Katherine go out, I'll have to baby-sit.” “Ah-ha.” He raised his eyebrows. “Guess I'll just have a little talk with my sister then.”
This was beginning to sound like a conspiracy. I could easily guess where that conversation would lead. I'd be back at the hospital the following night, and Katherine and Daddy would stay home with the kids. Which was not what their own relationship needed. Not at all.
Daddy was paying bills at the kitchen table when I got back home. “Don't you need some time alone with Katherine tomorrow night?” I asked him. “If you want to take her out somewhere, I'll stay with the kids.”
He laid down his checkbook, absently tapping a pen against it. “Is this about me and Katherine,” he ventured, “or you and Derek?”
You and Derek.
I winced at the sound of those words. “I don't know. Both.”
He considered my answer. “Are you looking for an excuse not to visit Derek?”
“I'm . . . it just seems like you and Katherine aren't doin' so hot all of a sudden, and I thoughtâ”
“Don't worry about me and Katherine. Do you want to visit Derek tomorrow?”
I rubbed my fingers over the back of a chair. “No. Yes.” I closed my eyes. “I don't
know!”
“Jackie,” Daddy said after a moment, “don't let other people push you into something you don't want for yourself. Do you hear what I'm sayin'?”
I nodded, gratitude welling within me. All these weeks of Daddy's concern over me and Greg, and now he was taking my side.
Whatever “my side” meant.
As it turned out, Grandma Westerdahl insisted on baby-sitting Friday, leaving me no excuse not to visit Derek while Daddy met Katherine in Albertsville for supper. Daddy drove me to the hospital and dropped me off, saying he'd be back in a couple hours to see Derek for himself and pick me up. We talked little during the drive. I couldn't think of much to say.
Sometimes our assumptions can get the best of us. As I would later hear, instead of enjoying an intimate meal together as I'd assumed they would, Katherine and Daddy ended up arguing. Apparently in what little time she'd had to think of herself that week, Katherine had chosen to dwell upon the pleasant memories of our night in Lexington. The night that had reminded her how much she missed city life.
“Do you ever think, Bobby,” she said over supper, “that you'd be willing to move from Bradleyville? I don't mean now, when I need to be close to Derek and my parents. But maybe in a year or two. I could work in much bigger retail stores in a place like Lexington, and you can surely find a job in another bank. And we wouldn't be too far away to visit Bradleyville often.”
The question sank through Daddy's chest like stone. “You're asking me to leave my home?” Daddy replied, hurt in his voice. “Bradleyville's where I was raised, where my kids have been raised. I can't imagine livin' anywhere else.”
“Even if that's what I wanted?” she pressed.
The conversation went downhill from there. Daddy insisted they could compromise on their differences in other ways. Hadn't he tried not to be the homebody, taking her out all he could? But “out” to Daddy meant a date in Albertsville, which hardly fit with Katherine's expectations over the long run. The more he implied Katherine should be content with small-town living, the more defensive she became. He said he loved her, but he wanted marriage on
his
terms. Shouldn't he be placing their relationship above his own desires?
Individual hurts can render grace as elusive as the wind. Feeling guilt over paying too little attention to the brother she'd nearly lost, Katherine, I think, was already struggling with a growing sense of unworthiness. In that frame of mind she easily inferred from Daddy's statements that she wasn't as important to him as she'd once thought.
While they argued their way through supper, I sat by Derek's bed, holding his hand and listening to him talk of his senior year, and how he hoped to return to school in a few months. How he wanted to escort me down the aisle in his sister's wedding. As he talked, my thoughts kept slipping to Greg's visit in December. What the sight of him and me together would do to Derek. I could not imagine how I would act if they ended up face-to-face. Suddenly I found myself almost dreading that visit. I sat there half-listening to Derek, his fingers in mine, awash in horror that I would feel even the slightest sense of dread about seeing Greg again.
That's when I realized just how deeply entangled I'd become.
G
od will forgive you but nature won't.
I think of that line from Pastor Beekins' sermon as I remember the events of the following two weeks. For in those terrible two weeks I would make choices that would push me further into duplicity. Yes, I was caught in a hard situation, one that would progress from bad dream to nightmare. But I should have spoken honestly of my feelings, both to Greg and to Derek. God has forgiven me for my lack of honesty; I cling to that. Still, my choices spawned regrets that would pursue me to this day.
On the following MondayâLabor DayâDerek began to run a fever and have trouble breathing. I probably wouldn't have visited him so often that week had he not taken this turn for the worse. But when the complications of pneumonia set in, I worried and went in to see him daily. Grandma Delham took to coming over after school, staying with Clarissa and Robert while I used her car to drive to Albertsville. I would change shirts from whatever I'd worn to school to one of my three short-sleeved blouses so I could hide Greg's ring.
Often when I arrived at the hospital, Miss Connie would be there with Derek, but she'd always make an excuse to leave us alone. Derek's spirits were up and down, depending upon his physical strength at the moment. As he became sicker, he would insist that I touch him, kiss him, as though my affection were his lifeline. By that Friday I no longer needed to be asked. I pressed my mouth to his as soon as I arrived, lingering there, feeling the softness of his now familiar lips. And I thought,
I can't remember what kissing Greg feels like.
Greg's seventeenth birthday was coming up on Saturday. Three times that week he called in the afternoon while I was at the hospital. Grandma Delham relayed his messages, and I e-mailed him back each time.
I'm SO sorry I've been gone so much,
I wrote Friday night, explaining that Derek was weakening, and I felt compelled to visit.
I miss you, Greg. I miss you, and I miss hearing your voice. I love you.
On Saturday I was determined to stay home in case Greg called. But Katherine phoned from the hospital in tears, saying Derek was worse, and even with his family around him, he was asking for me. Would I
please
come? And of course I did. Derek was barely awake when I arrived. All the same, he lifted his hand from the covers, seeking mine. I hesitated, then slipped my fingers into his in front of his parents and Katherine. Feeling like a skulking figure in the dark caught by a sudden searchlight. My eyes watered, and Greg's ring seemed to burn into my chest. How would any of them forgive me when I broke things off with Derek?
For surely, I reminded myself, that is what I would do.
The doctors were beginning to scratch their heads. Clearly, the antibiotics weren't working. We didn't doubt that they'd find a way to stabilize Derek once more, but this added illness was sapping his strength. I drove home from the hospital, praying for Derek and feeling more guilt than ever over Greg. Only to hear that I'd missed a fourth phone call. That news drove me to my bedroom in tears, exhausted and feeling torn in two. Not until supper did I realize that Daddy didn't seem all that happy himself. Katherine was noticeably absent. “She's still at the hospital,” he explained. But I knew there was more to it than that.
Late that night I checked my e-mails, hoping Greg had written me after his concert. Nothing. Apprehension seeped through my chest. Surely he knew.
He called before church Sunday morning, which he'd never done. With his late nights, usually at that time he was still asleep. The moment he said my name I knew something was terribly wrong. “Greg, what is it?” I demanded, gripping the phone.
“Jackie.” His voice caught. “I love you. I need you much right now.” “I love you too.”
Silence, then a gasp of air. Greg was crying. “I make a bad mistake last night,” he breathed.
My blood chilled. Immediately I thought of his brother's and my own daddy's “falls from grace.” Of all the girls outside his hotel room door. No. Greg would never do that to me. “What did you do?” My words were a mere whisper.
“I . . . .” His voice shook. “It is hard for me since I saw you, Jackie. You sound far away when I talk to you, and many times you are not even home. I feel alone. I feel scared. You know I need your help to try to be a Christian in this business because it is hard. And I don't feel it any more.” He drew in air raggedly. “Yesterday is my birthday. I think, she will forget. She is not thinking of me now. And you do forget, don't you?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, miserable to the core. He was right. In my worry over Derek, I'd completely forgotten.