Career Girl in the Country / The Doctor's Reason to Stay (14 page)

She crossed her arms to stop herself from shaking. ‘Worried you’re going to have to learn how to shop and cook, are you?’

His jaw tightened. ‘Believe me, cooking and shopping are the least of my concerns.’

Fool, fool, fool! He’s no different.
‘Oh, and let me guess what those concerns might be. You hate it that I won’t be home every night before you, that I’ll earn more than you, and that I’m not going to be barefoot and pregnant when you come home from a hard day at work.’

He threw up his hands. ‘Now you’re just being ridiculous.’

For heaven’s sake, Poppy, you’re my wife so act like one.
Steven’s voice faded as Matt’s moved over it.

Lisa’s choices made my life a lot easier.
She remembered so clearly Matt saying that out at the water hole.

Her world tilted sideways, tipping out the fantasy of marriage and a family that she’d foolishly allowed herself to believe in for a few deluded moments. She so wanted to trust that he loved her for who she was but, like her father and Steven, he could only love her if she changed for him. If she gave up everything for him. Her chest tightened so much she could barely breathe as the past choked her.

Matt didn’t really love her, he just thought he did. He only wanted a replacement for Lisa. His love, just like that of the men before him, came with conditions
that would destroy them both. She stood up, moving away from him, and forced herself to do what she should have done the moment he’d proposed.

‘I can’t marry you, Matt. I can’t make your life easier by being a stay-at-home wife. I can’t be Lisa’s replacement and live in the same house and help you live the life you had with her.’

Poppy’s words plunged into Matt’s heart like a knife, leaving him completely bewildered. ‘God, Poppy, this has
nothing
to do with Lisa.’ But he could tell by the look on her face she didn’t believe him.

He tried to explain it. ‘Lisa
chose
to stay at home and I supported her in doing that. I’m not asking you to give up working—of course you need to work. I want you to work. All I’m asking is that we live and work
here
so we can protect what we have.’

The starchy Poppy he hadn’t seen in weeks materialised, her voice sharp and brisk. ‘What we
have
is a short-term affair with an end date. We’ve been in this sensual bubble where it’s just been us and the sex, but that isn’t real life.’ Her hand touched her pendant. ‘Today real life intruded and already it’s tearing us apart and it’s only going to get worse.’

‘It doesn’t have to.’ He walked towards her, wanting to touch her, wanting to remind her that what they had was worth saving. ‘I’d consider moving to Perth if you took another job there. Look, if we compromise, we can make this work.’

Her eyes flashed. ‘Not when one of us wants something at the expense of the other.’

‘I’m not stopping you being a surgeon!’ Trying to rein in his frustration, he ploughed his hand through his hair, only to discover with a shock just how unsatisfying it was with short hair. ‘Give me some credit
here, Poppy. I know how much time it takes to make a relationship work and if you become Chief of Surgery, you’ll disappear into that job and it will kill us.’

She shook her head, her lips compressed into a thin line. ‘Obviously I can’t be married to you and be the surgeon I want to be.’

His heart slammed against his ribcage and slithered down, a bleeding, battered mess. ‘You really believe that? You’re going to walk away from this amazing thing we share for a job?’

‘A job?’ Her eyes glittered with a collage of emotions that swirled together with no defined edges. ‘You really don’t get it at all.’

Anger born of desperate hurt spewed bile. ‘Oh, I get it. I get it loud and clear. My God, I thought you’d grown while you were here. I thought you’d worked out what was important in life, that it was people and relationships and love that counted, not pushing yourself to win at any cost. You’re putting this job ahead of everything else. You really don’t have a clue, do you?’

She tilted her chin up, her eyes flashing and her shoulders sharp, reminding him of the very first time he’d met her. ‘I have more of a clue than you do, Matt. This conversation is just the start of what will happen to us if we get married, and the arguments will only get worse until we’re tearing each other apart and wondering why the hell we once thought we loved each other. I’m doing this for us.’

‘That’s total garbage, Poppy. You’re doing it for yourself and I only hope being Chief of Surgery keeps you warm at night.’

She flinched. ‘I think we’re done now. Goodbye, Matt.’

The door slammed behind her, shattering his hopes and dreams and leaving him devastated and alone.

‘M
AIL
for you, Ms Stanfield.’

Poppy glanced up from her spreadsheet to see the Perth City internal postwoman holding out a sheaf of mail. ‘Thanks, Leanne. By the way, how did that biology assignment go?’

Surprise raced across the young woman’s face before she smiled shyly. ‘Wow, I can’t believe you remembered that I was doing the course. I got an A.’

Poppy smiled as she picked up her outbound mail from the tray. ‘Of course I remembered. It sounds like you’re well on the way to getting the mark you need to get into nursing.’

‘Hope so.’ Leanne took the proffered mail. ‘See ya, Ms Stanfield.’

‘Bye, Leanne.’

As she walked out, William walked in, clutching a manila folder. ‘First-name terms with the clerks, Poppy?’ His brows rose. ‘What the hell happened to you in that godforsaken place?’

‘And hello to you too, William.’ She pasted a smile on her face for her acerbic boss. ‘Perhaps you should visit Bundallagong one day.’

He either missed or ignored the jibe. ‘Harrumph. Far too busy for that and so are you.’

He wasn’t wrong. She’d thought her first two weeks in Bundallagong had been long and arduous but they’d been almost relaxed in comparison to her start at Perth City. Not that she minded working hard, she didn’t, which given her current circumstances was a good thing. But unlike in the past, when work had excited her, now a lot of it seemed like a chore.

When she’d first arrived back in Perth she hadn’t cared how busy she was because work had filled her brain to capacity, leaving no space to think about Bundallagong, Matt and heartache. But just recently, when most nights she was only home for barely enough time to sleep, she’d started to think William’s expectations of his department heads might be excessive. For the first time in her life she was pining to sit on her couch and just ‘be’. Yesterday afternoon she’d even found herself wondering who she knew in Perth who might want to catch up for a drink and a chat, and much to her surprise she’d checked the notice-board for any posters about product parties.
You’re lonely.

William dropped the file on her desk. ‘Applications for the surgical registrars and consultant operating rights. You also have to pick someone to go to Bundallagong next month. Interviews start at seven on Thursday evening. Happy reading.’

She stifled a groan. She’d been determined to have one night at home reading this week but job applications didn’t count. ‘I can’t do Thursday.’

He fired her one of his penetrating looks. ‘You
are
full of surprises today. I thought your life was the hospital but don’t tell me you actually have a private life?’

She bristled, even though he was pretty much correct.
‘I’ve organised a movie night fundraiser in the hospital auditorium for that night. I can interview earlier in the day.’

‘Oh, yes, I think I saw a poster about that—something to do with women in Samoa? Can’t you just do your speech at the start and then leave?’

Somehow she held onto her temper. ‘No, William, I can’t. I need to be there, sell raffle tickets, answer questions and thank people for their support.’

He nodded slowly, as if absorbing the news. ‘I’ll get my secretary to contact you with the new interview date but, Poppy, next time you act out of character, let me know.’

Quietly seething, she watched his retreating back and pictured daggers. Just because she wanted to have
one
night off, it didn’t mean she’d changed.

You never got involved in anything out of work before Bundallagong.

True, but just because she was raising money for a worthy cause, it didn’t mean she’d changed.
Lisa’s Way is not just any worthy cause, though, is it? You’re doing it to feel close to Matt.

Blocking the perceptive voice in her head and throwing off her William-induced ill humour, she started flicking through her mail and her hand stalled on a small square box. She sliced open the tape with her letter knife and drew out a CD and a card written in Sarah’s bold script.

Poppy laughed as she read the words, able to hear Sarah’s voice in her head, and a fizz of anticipation bubbled inside her at the thought of seeing her. They’d shared some laughs at choir, the pub and at their respective houses and it would be wonderful to kick back over a leisurely brunch and hear all the Bundallagong news.

A leaden feeling settled in her belly, overriding the excitement. She hadn’t done anything fun since she’d got back to Perth. With shocked surprise, she realised exactly how much she missed Sarah and Jen’s company.

You miss Matt.

You know you miss Matt. Every. Single. Day.

A fresh wave of pain washed through her.
Call him.

The idea had her reaching for the phone but as her fingers started dialling she dropped the handset back into the cradle like it was on fire. Exactly what was she going to say? ‘I miss you.’ But then what? Nothing had altered; the impasse still stood. At least this time she’d found out before getting married that the man she loved wanted to change her.

So why are you so miserable?

Distracting herself, she shoved the choir’s CD into her computer and while it loaded she read the last bit of the note.

Hope Perth is worth it. Sarah xx

She pushed the note aside and then pulled it back, her gaze fixated on five words.
Hope Perth is worth it.

Deep in the recesses of her mind a small voice asked a question.
Are you sure this job is what you want?
The question scared her witless and she stomped on it hard and fast.
Of course it’s what I want. I can depend on it.

OK, if you think so.
But the reply didn’t sound all that convincing.

The CD finally started playing and her throat tightened as the choir’s voices filled the air. She closed her eyes and Bundallagong moved into the office. She could smell the dust and the salt, see the smiling faces of her staff, visualise the old choir hall and feel the camaraderie of the women. She heard the pride in their voices and she knew how much more than just music the choir meant to its members; how much it had come to mean to her. An aching lethargy came over her, dragging at every muscle like flu. She ached for the connection she’d shared with the women.

You ache for Matt.

And she couldn’t deny it. She pictured him lying in her bed with his arms around her, sitting at the kitchen bench, listening to her talk about her day and offering advice, and laughing as they swung Lochie between them.

But he wanted you to give up something that was vitally important to you.
She bit her lips to stop tears spilling. She loved him but, like her father and Steven, he just didn’t love her enough.

Get fresh air and coffee. Coffee will help.
She pushed back her chair and left her office, walking across the road to the park and the coffee vendor. Families sat under trees, having picnics, and children on school holidays charged around kicking footballs.

She joined the queue, enjoying the sunshine on her skin after too many weeks of being inside.
You saw more of the outside world in Bundallagong.

Yeah, red-dust dirt.

Walker’s Gorge was red dust and dirt but it had a rugged beauty.

‘Poppy, good to see you.’

With a start she pulled her attention away from memories of Bundallagong to the present, and the outstretched hand in front of her. ‘Oh, Alistair, you’re still in Perth?’

She’d met Alistair Roland once, soon after she’d returned, and she’d assumed he’d gone back east. ‘Sorry, obviously you’re here and not in Sydney.’

He laughed. ‘We moved to Perth lock, stock and barrel five months ago. So, how’s the new job and workaholic William treating you?’

She scanned his face, looking for signs of resentment that she’d got the job over him, but all she could see was genuine interest. She thought about the punishing hours. ‘You know, like any new job, it takes a while to get a handle on it.’

‘The surgery’s the easy bit, right?’

She blinked at his insight and relaxed. ‘I have days I want to hide in Theatre and not come out in case there’s another manila folder on my desk.’

He nodded in understanding. ‘You’re lucky you’re single.’

Irritation and sadness buffeted her. ‘Why do you say that?’

A boy ran over. Alistair stretched out his arm and the boy snuggled in against him. ‘Hey, Dad, can I have a strawberry smoothie?’

‘Sure.’

‘Thanks.’ The boy tore off again.

Alistair shook his head, his expression full of affection. ‘That streak was Jake and …’ he pointed to another boy chasing a football ‘… that’s Lucas. My wife Deanna is reading under the tree. They came down to meet me for lunch because I had a cancellation, and that’s the beauty of Perth over Sydney. Lifestyle.’

‘Exactly.’ This was what she and Matt could have had if he’d been prepared to leave Bundallagong. ‘It’s just what I was trying to explain to someone not that long ago and it’s great you’ve been doing this sort of thing since you arrived.’

A light frown creased his forehead. ‘The whole time I was working for William, I hardly saw the boys.’

‘Oh, why was that?’

‘Seriously? You’re working for William as Chief of Surgery and you’re asking me that? How many evenings have you been home since you became Chief?’

None.

But that’s because I want to be busy. Not totally.

Alistair nodded, taking her silence as an answer. ‘Which is why that job defeated the point of us moving here. Deanna’s amazing but she didn’t marry me to become a sole parent and that’s what was happening. I want to be involved in my kids’ lives.’ Passion and love shone on his face. ‘The stress of trying to do the job and be a dad and a husband, well, it was crazy stuff so
I pulled out of the running. Only a single surgeon can do that job.’

She stared at him, stunned. ‘Wasn’t it hard to walk away from the sort of job you spent your entire career aiming for?’

He gave a wry smile. ‘You know, I really thought it would be, but at the end of the day I realised you can’t have the one hundred per cent best career and a real family. So I’m not Chief but I get to see my kids most evenings. It’s all about balance.’

If we go to Perth you’ll disappear into that job and it will kill us.

Her gut rolled with nausea and she almost gagged. Alistair Roland with a supportive stay-at-home wife had walked away from the top job to protect his family.

‘Poppy, are you OK?’ Alistair looked concerned.

She tried to rally as her head swirled with thoughts and she managed a sort-of smile. ‘Nothing a coffee won’t fix. So what are you doing job-wise now?’

He moved up with the queue. ‘It’s been a huge step but I’ve gone into private practice and it’s giving me the flexibility with the boys I could never have as Chief of Surgery. Being a parent is one big juggling act and I guess it’s always going to be a work-in-progress but Southgate’s given me operating rights and I’m really hoping you’ll approve my application for City.’

Somehow she managed to nod, give her assurances that she would support his application and then finished the conversation with a promise of meeting his wife at a later date. Somehow her legs carried her back across the park to the reflection room at the hospital. In the cool quiet of the sanctuary, her heart thundered loudly and her stomach sizzled with acid that spilled into her throat.

Give me some credit, Poppy. I know how much time it takes to make a relationship work.

But she hadn’t, she hadn’t given Matt any credit at all. She’d seen his love and care for them as a couple as a direct attack on herself, and had lumped him in with her father and Steven. But Matt was nothing like them. He hadn’t been trying to change her. Not wanting her to take this job hadn’t been lack of support at all. He’d been trying to create the opportunity so they could try and have it all—love, marriage, career and a family. And she’d let her past control her and had completely messed it up.

Her head fell into her hands as everything she’d thought she believed in came crashing down around her. She’d risen to the top of her career ladder in the job of her dreams and she had absolutely nothing else. Five months ago it wouldn’t have mattered that work was all she had, but William was right. She’d changed. Bundallagong had changed her. Matt had changed her. Being Chief of Surgery was no longer enough.

She wanted more.

She wanted Matt.

She’d put her trust in the wrong basket and made the most horrendous mistake of her life. She’d been so deluded, so busy playing the blame game, but it was all her own fault she was alone and miserable—she’d brought it on herself.

So stop whining and do something about it.

For the first time ever, her father’s words actually helped.

She pulled out her phone and hesitated. She might be risking everything for nothing.

Just do it. Deal with any regrets later.

Matt sat contemplatively in the airport lounge at Perth airport. His flight from Apia had been late, making him miss his connection to Bundallagong, and now his only option was to sit out the two hours until the next flight. He texted the new flight details to Sarah, who was now on the Lisa’s Way board, explaining his delay, and then let out a long sigh. The funny thing about travel was that the moment the date for returning arrived, the brain raced ahead and took up residence at home while the body still had to undertake the journey.

Home.
He shifted in his chair. He didn’t actually have one.

He’d sold the Bundallagong house fully furnished, as he’d planned to do before he’d proposed to Poppy, and had stowed a few boxes in storage before heading to Samoa to set up Lisa’s Way. Two months later, with a fantastic young woman on the ground in the village, and the connections in Australia all set up it was time to go back to Bundallagong or even think of working somewhere else.