Career Girl in the Country / The Doctor's Reason to Stay (27 page)

“And you wear your heart on your sleeve, Edie. That’s what makes you so good with the kids. You care, they see it, they feel it. There’s nothing hidden. Which goes for Rafe, too. Nothing hidden.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Or maybe it’s not what
you
think. Look, at the risk of getting involved in a place I shouldn’t, let me just tell you one thing. Years ago I took my shot at it. The timing was bad, my self-esteem shot all to hell, and I went in a direction I later regretted for more reasons than I’ve got time to tell you about. But out of that confusion, out of that bad place in my life and all the mistakes I was making, I got my son, and he’s my constant reminder that there’s nothing that can’t be fixed if we want to fix it. Rafe and I … we’ve had problems in the past. Rafe came to me, apologized, and I was the one who wasn’t ready to deal with it, wasn’t ready to let those mistakes … his and mine … pass. Yet when I go home at night, and see Christopher.” He smiled, shook his head. “The best things in life can happen when you’re least expecting them. Even in the midst of what you think is the worst mistake you’ve ever made. Like I said, you wear your heart on your sleeve. That’s
not a mistake, Edie. So, tell him to give me a buzz when he has time.” “He’s not easy, Rick.”

“Want to see the scar on my shin to prove it?” he asked. “Of course, if you ever notice a little nick on his right shoulder.” He grinned. “In the meantime, I’ve got a pizza date with a very demanding little guy who rocks my world. No mistake, Edie. In the whole scheme of the universe, definitely no mistake.”

So maybe it wouldn’t be a mistake, dropping by to see Rafe and Molly. That was the resolve that got her all the way up to the driveway. But the rest of the way, from the road to the door, after her resolve had dissolved, she doubted herself in every way she possibly could. She didn’t want involvement, yet she did. She craved it while she pushed it away. Denied it while she dreamt of it. One way or another, she had to get her head straight. Get him totally out of it, or find a way to deal with how he was totally in it. She didn’t know which, didn’t want to know why she didn’t want to know. It was all too confusing. And the plan had been so simple. Show Rafe that he could be Molly’s father.

Well, in that, she’d failed. If anything, her insistence had caused more of a gap between them, pushed Rafe even further away from Molly than he had been before. Now it was time to see if she could fix it. Yet, as she rang the doorbell then stood there chewing away nervously on her bottom lip, waiting to be let in, she didn’t have a clue in this world how she was going to accomplish that.

Step one foot inside, she told herself. Then take another step after that. And another, and another. That was all her brain would allow and she hoped against
hope that her brain would come up with the second part of the plan once the first part was under way. Otherwise she’d be adding another mistake to her list, but with no good outcome in sight.

When the door opened a crack, Edie was prepared to meet Rafe eye to eye. But it wasn’t Rafe there to let her in. “Edie!” Molly cried, practically jumping into her arms.

“You’re looking better,” Edie said, bending down to hug her. “Are you feeling better?”

“I have to, since I’m going to be a nurse.”

“Nurse? That’s a very good thing to be,” she said, stepping inside and looking around. “In a few years, when you’re old enough …”

“Not then. Now! I have to be a nurse now.”

“Why now?” Edie asked.

Molly pointed to the kitchen. “Rafey’s at the kitchen table, taking his nap. I think he’s sick.”

Suddenly Edie was alarmed. Darting around Molly, Edie ran straight to the kitchen where Rafe was, indeed, slumped over the kitchen table. His face in his arms, breathing, thank God. “Rafe,” she said, laying her fingers to the pulse in his neck.

“I’m alive,” he muttered. “Wish I weren’t, but I am.”

He looked up at her through bloodshot eyes, and his features were hardly noticeable under a two-day growth of beard. Sexy, actually. Would have been sexier if he hadn’t looked so darned sick.

“Would you mind making me some French toast?” he continued, his voice gravelly to the point it was beyond recognition. “I think I need someone to indulge me.”

“Flu?” she asked, nudging him up, out of the chair.
Getting a steadying arm around him, she guided him to the stairs.

“The worst flu anybody has ever had,” he muttered, slumping into her as hard as he could without knocking her over.

Edie laughed. So she wore her heart on her sleeve? Well, if she did, the man leaning on her sleeve, maybe even drooling on it, was the man she loved. She wasn’t sure what to do about it, except put him to bed.

“It’s juice,” Molly piped up. “You have to drink it. Edie said so.”

Rafe glanced across the room, caught sight of his face in the mirror, and moaned. This was the first time he’d been sick in years. He hadn’t caught so much as a cold, but look at him now. He was pale, emaciated looking, his eyes looked hollow. And Edie was loving every minute of it.

Actually, the part about Edie being here to take care of him wasn’t all that bad. She was taking a few vacation days from the hospital to play nurse. It was nice. Domestic in a way that felt good. Probably too good, because he wasn’t in much of a hurry for this little illness to come to an end. “Tell Edie I said thank you. And thank you, too, Nurse Molly.” She was cute, carrying her play nurse’s kit, dispensing him candy pills every hour. Edie had bought those for her, and managed to find a nurse’s cap and surgical mask at the hospital, which Molly hadn’t taken off for two days.

Oh, he was pretty sure it was all part of Edie’s plot to get him to keep Molly, but the more he got to know the child, the more he knew she needed the best life she could possibly have, and parents who weren’t … him.

At times, though, he did catch himself wishing it could be different.

“Edie said you have to get out of bed, get dressed and go and sit outside on the veranda for lunch. That your in-in …”

“Indulgence?”

She nodded. “It’s over.”

No wonder everybody at the hospital loved Molly. No wonder his aunt had. She was a real charmer.

Thirty minutes later, Rafe descended the stairs, showered but not shaved. “It’s a look,” Edie said, fighting back a laugh. “Beard’s good, but the sad look on your face sort of spoils the rugged effect.”

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“Not enjoying it so much as being entertained by it.”

“My inconvenience is your entertainment?”

She shrugged. “Just a little. Oh, and so you’ll know, it’s only going to be the two of us for lunch. Johnny Redmond stopped by, and he’s taken Molly with him to pick up a neglected pony out near Jasper. She was getting pretty restless being cooped up here, and I thought the fresh air would do her some good. Plus Johnny as much as promised her the pony would be hers once the pony is in better shape. Grace was in the process of trying to get this particular pony when she … Anyway, I guess it’s a gentle thing, and there was no way Molly wasn’t going out with Johnny to get it. Oh, and your brother called. He was surprised you were still here, and when I told him why, he said to say tough luck, but he’s not coming back until you’re over your flu.”

“My family has an uncanny way of avoiding the things that really shouldn’t be avoided.”

“You mean the decision about Molly?”

“I mean decisions about a lot of things.” His life, the hospital, Edie.
Molly.
“Look, would you like to take a walk with me?”

“Are you sure you’re up to it?”

“I’m fine. More humiliated about my illness than anything else.”

Edie laughed. “Just proves you’re human, like the rest of us. You had the same flu as Molly, who came through it in good spirits.”

“Children take things better. They don’t have as many preconceived ideas of how they really should be feeling.”

“If you say so.”

“And illnesses usually run a much less serious course with children.”

“Anything you say,
Doctor.”
Smiling, she turned to face him. “But keep in mind I’m the one who works with sick children, so if it’s me you’re trying to fool …”

“Not trying to fool, Edie,” he said, suddenly serious. “In a way, that’s what I’ve been doing. But I can’t do it, not any longer.”

“Fooling me about what?” she asked, stopping dead on the porch. “What’s this about, Rafe? Molly?”

He nodded. “About adopting Molly.”

“You’re going to do it? You’ve actually decided to go through with it?” She was so excited she was almost jumping up and down.

“Not me, Edie. It’s never been me, and I’ve said that all along.”

“Then who?”

“You. I want you to adopt her. She loves you, you love her …”

Edie held out her hand to stop him. “No,” she choked. “I can’t do that. Grace wanted you—”

“And Aunt Grace isn’t going to get everything she wanted. I’m sorry about that, and nobody wishes more than I do that it could have turned out differently. But I’m not the answer to this situation. You are. Which is why I want you to adopt Molly.”

“But you, Rafe …”

He laid a hand on her arm. “Just listen to me for a minute, OK? Then maybe you’ll understand why I can’t do it. And believe me when I tell you I’ve given this a lot of thought. Lost sleep over it. Weighed it from every angle. Always came to the same conclusion.”

“That I’m the one?”

“That you’re meant to be Molly’s mother. It makes sense. When I watch the two of you … Edie, my old man.” He paused for a moment, and stared off in the distance, at the property directly across the street. “We lived over there. Nice house. Big. Our house was actually nicer than Gracie House, if you go by size and furnishings.” Except now it was a meadow. Trees, grass, several of Gracie Foundation’s horses turned out to graze. For which he was very grateful. Land where so much hatred had been rooted deserved to be reclaimed for something good and decent.

“When the old man died, Jess and I burned it down. Didn’t want to see it, didn’t want it cluttering up the landscape as an ugly reminder. So we torched it … legally. Funny thing is, the town turned out and most of the people were shocked by our sentiment. Shocked that we would dare destroy the residence of the venerable Dr. Lawrence Corbett, but for us it was liberating. And what I discovered that day was that sometimes
you have to dive into the fire in order to come out tempered on the other side. When I walked away, I didn’t look back, didn’t come back.”

“No one ever knew, or suspected, what he’d done to you?”

“There weren’t any visible scars to show anybody. Anything other than that was my word against his, and who the hell would believe a kid? Especially when that kid’s father makes a point of telling everybody how bad his kid is.”

“But your aunt?”

“She knew. But every time she threatened to turn him in to the authorities, he told her she’d better make sure she came out on top because if she didn’t she’d never see Jess and me again. That was the one threat that always beat her, because if she had waged the battle and lost, I don’t know what would have happened to Jess and me. Maybe the old man wouldn’t have gone through with his threats but, then again, maybe he would have. Who knows?

“And whatever the case, Aunt Grace did what she had to do to stay involved in our lives. That’s why she built her house across the road from ours. It wasn’t so much that she wanted to live in Lilly Lake but she wouldn’t live anywhere where my brother and I couldn’t get to her whenever we needed to. And there were so many times …” He stopped. “But that’s not why we’re out here, is it? This is supposed to be about going on a nice walk, relaxing, thinking positive thoughts. About me telling you why I think you’re the perfect mother for Molly.”

But what positive thoughts could there be when every time Rafe stepped out the door he saw
the
house,
even if, quite literally, it wasn’t standing there any more? It looked like an innocent, peaceful lot, but the more Edie stared at it, the more she could see the house, see the scared little boys inside. For the first time, Edie truly understood why Rafe couldn’t stay here. Memories adjusted, and they found their rightful place, but some memories didn’t fade. To Rafe, the house was as real right now as it had been when he’d been a boy. All she had to do was look at the sadness written all over his face to know that, to understand it.

Perhaps it was when she studied the lines of that sadness that she realized she couldn’t stay here and have him, too. The thing was, it was too soon to be thinking this way. She was only now discovering who she wanted to be, and the journey was good. Difficult, sometimes frustrating, but ultimately very good, and she wasn’t ready to trade it in for anything else. Except maybe for motherhood? And perhaps for the slim chance at a life with someone who didn’t have a clue where his own journey was taking him?

“I do love Molly,” she confessed.

“Which is why I want you to take Gracie House. Adopt Molly, live here with her, give her the life she deserves.”

So, this didn’t come with Rafe after all. He was bargaining for his escape without taking anyone with him. And here she’d been, ready to make a commitment he had no intention of making himself. What a fool she’d been. An utter fool!

Still, she couldn’t deny that stirring inside her. Couldn’t ignore it either. Because it was now infused with heartbreak … something she would never let him see. Which was why, when Rafe took hold of her hand
and they headed toward the trail that led to the lake, she clung to him like her life depended on it yet didn’t say a word. After all, what was there to say? Except. “No. I can’t adopt her, Rafe. I’m sorry, but I can’t adopt her.”

Not because she didn’t want to, because she did. With all her heart. But because Rafe was using her as his easy way out, and if he didn’t have
her
to fall back on, maybe he would be the one to adopt Molly. With the way her heart was breaking, it was the only thing that made sense. The only thing she could do.

“I
APPRECIATE
you doing this for me. I’m usually a pretty good judge of character, but as this is about Molly, not me, I want your opinion of these people, too. Molly needs the best and I think you’re much better equipped to handle that than I am.”

Even before she entered the den where prospective adoptive parents Wallace and Betsy Cunningham were waiting, Edie felt a cold chill. She hated doing this. Hated, loathed, despised it. Couldn’t believe he was actually going through with it. Somehow she’d hoped for a change of heart. But that wasn’t the case. Rafe was actively interviewing prospective parents now, and the only thing she could feel was … nauseated. “Let’s just get it over with,” she said grumpily, on the first thud of what she knew was going to turn into a pounding headache.

“OK, I get it. You’re not happy about my decision, but I still think it’s best for Molly. She needs a real family. Needs the stability of parents who know how to raise a child, and that’s not me. Apparently, not you either.”

“That’s not fair, Rafe. This was never supposed to be about me, and you know that!”

“What I know is that you turned me down, so I had to move on to the next plan.”

“And do what? Hope that I’ll back down and agree to take her when it looks like you’re getting close to making a selection? Is that what this is about?”

“It’s about moving on, Edie. We all need to do it, I think.”

She’d peeked in at the Cunninghams a while ago. Peeked in at the Bensons as well as the Farleighs. They all seemed nice. Henry Danforth had put them through the initial wringers, so to speak, and she’d even read the background checks. All suitable candidates was what Henry had said. But Molly didn’t need a suitable candidate. She needed a parent, or a set of parents.

The thing that bothered her most, though, was the air of indifference Rafe was trying to put on. It wasn’t working on him. She saw that, but she didn’t know how to get through it. So maybe it was time … time to make the next move. She’d thought about it for two days now. In fact, that was all she’d thought about. Being Molly’s mother. Even now, as the words floated through her mind, they made her smile. There was no downside to the situation. Not the way Rafe saw the downside, anyway. She loved Molly, and that was really all that mattered.

But it did feel like such a betrayal. Except the one thing that kept coming back to her was how Grace’s only concern was that Molly have the best chance at a good life, with a good parent. So maybe Grace had miscalculated a little. Maybe what she had seen in Rafe simply wasn’t there. The only thing was, Edie saw it in him, too. In those unguarded moments when he took hold of Molly’s hand, when Molly walked next to him
and tried to match his steps and Rafe would slow his stride just for her, in the way he watched Molly when he thought no one was looking … the big gestures didn’t matter so much, but she saw Rafe’s feelings for Molly in the little gestures.

She didn’t know what to do, though. Not any more. “Yes, I think we all do need to move on,” she finally responded.

Expelling a frustrated breath, Rafe turned away from the door to face Edie. “Look, I’m not going to argue with you about this. I thought it was going to be easy, finding her a family. In my mind, the perfect family would magically materialize, and Molly would get her happily-ever-after. I want her to have that, Edie. I
really
want her to have that.”

“Yet you can’t be the one to give it to her? Because she’s getting attached to you, Rafe. I see it more and more every day. Molly adores you, and her attachment is growing.”

He shook his head. “I see it too, and it scares the hell out of me. But, no, I can’t be the one to bring her up. I know that makes me look terrible, but it’s not me. I don’t have what it takes to be a good father, and at least I have the sense to know what I’m
not
capable of doing. I wish it was different, but it’s not.”

But he wished he could raise Molly. Edie could see it in his eyes. Rafe truly wished he could, and something was stopping him.

“So, let’s just get this over with, OK? Henry has one more set of prospective parents to send over later today, and by tonight I really intend on deciding which ones will get Molly.”

“Which ones will
get
Molly? Will
get
Molly? Oh,
my God, Rafe! Could you be any colder about it? It’s like you’re having a contest and she’s the prize. Step right up, put your name in the hat, let me pick a winner!” OK, so she was shouting. She couldn’t help it.

“Now you’re being ridiculous,” he hissed.

“I’m being ridiculous? Look in the mirror, Rafe. Take a good hard look then come back and tell me who’s being ridiculous. Molly needs you, you need Molly, and I don’t know why you can’t see that. Everybody else can.”

“Everybody else sees what they want to see, and you … you’re the queen of it, Edie. But guess what, you’re not seeing everything. You’re not seeing why—”

“Then tell me, Rafe! Tell my why you’re refusing to keep Molly. You keep saying that it’s not your lifestyle, that you don’t have room in your life, but I don’t buy it. I’ve seen the way you and Molly are with each other, and there’s nothing in you that
doesn’t
scream father.” Her voice softened, and she reached out to squeeze his arm. “Rafe, please …”

He shook his head.

“Then I’ll adopt her.” She didn’t want it to sound like she was accepting the consolation prize, because as she said the words, her heart skipped a beat. In the blink of an eye, she’d become a mother … Molly’s mother. And suddenly she was excited. “I’ll adopt her!” she said, the enthusiasm rising in her voice.

“You’re sure about his?” he asked, sounding more relieved than anything else. “I’ve always thought it was the perfect solution, but I don’t want to force you …”

“You’re not forcing me, Rafe. I
do
want to adopt Molly. I want to be her mother, want to give her the
home she needs. More than anything else, Rafe, I want to be the person who will help her develop into everything she’s meant to be.” The way
her
mother had done for her in spite of so much adversity. “I was lucky. I had a perfect mother who showed me life in so many wonderful ways. That’s what I want to be for Molly. What I want to do for Molly.”

“Then Molly’s going to be a very lucky little girl. From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I considered you perfect for Molly. She lights up around you …”

“She lights up around you, too.” It was exciting, but in a way sad, because with the feelings she’d been harboring for him, the only thing he’d been harboring for her was the desire for her to adopt Molly. Foolish in love, once again.

“And she can’t wait to see you, to talk to you, to play with you.”

“The way she can’t wait to see you, to talk to you, to play with
you.”

“What’s this about?” he asked.

“It’s about adopting Molly. That’s all.” About giving Rafe one last chance, about showing Rafe what he was going to be missing. About trying, one last time, to do what she’d promised Grace she’d do. She
had
to do it. Never giving up was also a big part of who she was.

“But I get the impression you’re still trying to convince me I should be the one.”

“You should, and.” She placed her hand on his chest, her palm pressed flat to his heart. For an instant she felt a little jolt. Felt it so much she nearly pulled back. But it had to be static shock, that was all. “And if you’ll let yourself, you’ll feel it in here, Rafe. You
are
Molly’s father, meant to be. I know it. Grace knew it. Molly knows it.”

He pulled back. Stopped for a moment, and simply stared at her. Stared hard, stared deep, then spun and walked away.

Suddenly, the whole idea of adopting Molly scared Edie. What was she thinking? That somehow the three of them could turn into some kind of real family? She loved Molly, she also knew Rafe did. Molly loved both of them back. But the rest of the dots didn’t connect, and Edie startlingly realized what she was afraid that Rafe was feeling—that this was a trap meant to either stall the inevitable adoption so she’d have more time to convince him, or to slowly pull Rafe into a place he clearly didn’t want to be.

She should have thought it through more carefully. Truthfully, all she’d thought about was Molly. “It’s not what you think, Rafe,” she called as he headed to the front door. “I’m not trying to back you into a corner here. I only want what’s best for Molly.”

He stopped for a moment, but didn’t turn back to face her. “And how many times do I have to tell you, that’s
not
me?”

“Because you don’t want to?” Edie cried. “Because you really don’t want to? Tell me the truth, Rafe. I know we’ve argued this over and over but tell me the honest truth now, and I won’t say another word.” She watched him turn toward her, and saw agony written clearly on his face. It was excruciating, it broke her heart. And in that moment she knew for sure that she loved Rafe Corbett more than life itself, no matter how he felt about her. His pain was so acute to her that his suffering was taking root in her very being.
But through the pain, she saw the heart of the man she wanted to be with for ever. A good heart. A kind heart. But a troubled heart. “Tell me, Rafe. Please …”

“It’s about loving someone. I can’t. Can’t love them, don’t want to be loved back. Sure, I can do the right things for Molly. Outwardly, go through the motions. But she’ll know the difference. She’ll see that I don’t have that real capacity in me to be anything more than an authority figure, and she needs better than that. I needed better than that, and I know what it’s like to be raised by someone who can’t, or won’t, give you what you need. I was. And now I see so many of my father’s traits in me. I look in the mirror and see my father’s son. I’m
just
like him, Edie. I was abused. In turn, I abused Rick Navarro. I
am
my father’s son and there’s nothing I can do about it. His heredity beat me.” He spoke his words—words filled with the emotion of an anguished man. Then he was gone.

Edie stood alone in the entry hall, not sure what to do next. Run after him? Leave him alone? Give him his space then go to him?

She didn’t know, and as she brushed back the tears on her cheeks there was nothing inside her that could reason this through. Nothing at all. So she left. Went home, sank down in her favorite cozy chair, and wished desperately for her mother. Or for Grace. Or for Rafe.

It was a beautiful evening. Clear black sky, millions of stars, the sound of the bullfrog in the distance croaking out some kind of mating call to his lady love. He’d always felt balanced here. Balanced, accepted, safe. Maybe it was the only place he’d every truly felt that balance, and being here again brought so many
memories rushing back. Mostly the good ones, though. And there had been some good ones, especially with Jess. Coming here together, camping out, making plans for their future like nothing was wrong in their lives. Yes, some good times, and he missed those. Missed his brother. Missed that youthful optimism that tried so hard to come through even when everything else was going so wrong. “When I was little, I used to think that when I looked out over the bluff, I could see the edge of the world,” he said.

“Is that where it is?” Molly asked innocently. “Over there, where you can’t see anything else?”

“No, sweetie. The world is infinitely large. You can’t see the edge of it.” Even though right now it felt like he was about to fall over that edge. He’d done the right thing, though. He was sure of it. Molly would have everything she needed now. And he would have … nothing more, nothing less than he’d come with.

“But what’s on the other side of where you can’t see?”

“A world full of possibilities. Things that will make you happy, things that will help you in your life, things you don’t even know about that are waiting for you to find them.”

“What kind of things, Rafey? Maybe toys and a kitten?”

“Maybe toys and a kitten. Maybe more people to love you, and for you to love.” “And candy?”

Chuckling, he tousled her hair. “And candy.” The innocence of a child … it was magical. Molly was magical, and he was already beginning to miss her. But he’d made the decision and there was no turning back. In
his heart of hearts he knew Edie was Molly’s mother. That was the only consolation in this. Edie was Molly’s mother, and he’d seen that so many times over these past few days. Even seen himself in the father spot, too. Except that couldn’t work. “And anything else that makes you happy. It’s all out there for you, Molly.”

“You, too,” she stated seriously. “Except the toys. You’re too old to play with toys.”

This was tougher than he’d expected. When he’d been young, Hideaway Bluff was where he’d come to make things simple in what was, otherwise, a very complicated life. Yet there was nothing simple here tonight. Not for him, certainly not for Molly. “You’re right, I’m too old for toys. But I do have equipment.”

“What kind of equipment?”

“Medical equipment. The things I use to help make people feel better.”

“Then maybe there’s medical equipment out there for you, so you can make lots of people feel better.” Sitting on a craggy rock shelf, protected from the elements, Molly snuggled into Rafe’s side and laid her head against his chest. “Whatever kind you want, Rafey. Like whatever kind of toys I want.”

“And candy,” he said wistfully, staring into the campfire he’d built. “Look, Molly, there’s something I need to tell you.” Instinctively, he put his arm around her shoulders. “It’s very, very good.”

“Aunt Grace is coming home?” she cried. “When? When is she coming?”

Dear God. He hadn’t expected this. Not at all. And he didn’t know what to do, what to say. Somehow he’d just figured Molly knew. Granted, everybody had pretty much tiptoed around the subject of Grace’s
death when Molly was around, but he’d truly thought she understood, and that she was simply taking her time to process it in the way a child would.

He needed Edie here. She was the one with all the right words for children. She was the one with the empathy, the one who instinctively knew what to do. And he was the one who didn’t have a clue. Not a single, solitary clue. So maybe it was time to douse the fire and head back. Put this off until he could get to Edie.