Authors: Stephen Birmingham
But listen, Miltie, this fire chief's brother says the fire chief is real nervous. You've oversold by twenty-five thousand tickets! That's a hell of a lot of no-shows. This fire chief's brother says if the news got to the papers, the city council or whatever the hell it is would cancel the show and you'd have to fork back the entire gate. We're talkin' big bucks, Miltie. We're talkin' nearly a mil five, right? ⦠Now wait a minute, Miltie, don't fly off the handle. All I called for is to try to help you out. No need to make a federal case out of this. We're just talkin' fire laws, Miltie, and this fire chief's brother says that for thirty big ones this fire chief will forget about the whole matter.⦠Yeah, I think I can get him down to twenty-five. You happy with that figure? ⦠Okay, you Fed Ex the cash to me tonight, and I'll take care of the whole thing. Plus my fifteen percent commission, naturally.⦠How's the wife? Slap her butt for me, Miltie, and have a nice day.
He hangs up and immediately dials another call
.
Credit card call â¦
(More numbers.)
Hello, Chief Gomez? Moe Minskoff here. It's all set, big buddy. I got your ten big ones for you. They're Fed Exing the cash to me tonight from LA, and I'll Fed Ex it on to you first thing in the morning, minus my fifteen percent commission, naturally.⦠Not at all. Don't thank me. That's what I'm here for. Let me know if you have any more of these type of problems, and have a nice day.
He hangs up and dials a third call
.
Credit card call â¦
Sal? Moe Minskoff here. Listen, big buddy, we got a little problem. You gotta lower your bid for construction of that casino down in the islands by at least five hundred big ones or you're outa the ballpark, buddy.⦠Yeah, the prime minister seems pretty adamant about that.⦠Well, maybe I could talk him into it if you'd drop the price by three-fifty. But if I do that, Sal, I'm gonna hafta ask you a favor. I want you to put Irving Sender in charge of the construction down there.⦠You know who Irving Sender is. He's Honeychile's brother.⦠Whaddaya
mean
who's Honeychile? Honeychile is my
wife
, for Christ's sake! Irving needs a job, and his wife wants to spend the winter in the Caribbean, okay? ⦠Well, I'll see what I can do. Get back to you, Sal. Have a nice day.
Another credit card call
.
Ah, Mr. Prime Minister. This is Moses L. Minskoff calling. How is the weather down there, sir? Ah, how I envy you, basking in the tropical sun, the breezes rustling the palm fronds, those miles of sandy beaches, the blue crystalline waters of the sea. You truly live in paradise, sir.⦠Ah, but of course I have news for you. I wouldn't have called you, sir, if I didn't have news, and good news it is. Mr. Cortelli has lowered his bid by a quarter of a million dollars, just what you asked for. And the other good news is that he wants to place Mr. Irving Sender in charge of construction down there. You're very lucky to be able to obtain Mr. Sender, because he's the best in the business, the very best, and very much in demand. I couldn't believe you could be that fortunate when I learned Mr. Sentler might be available. But he's agreed, not without a certain amount of personal sacrifice, to take on your government's job.â¦
Yes, sir.⦠Yes, all financial arrangements will be handled through this office, to spare you personal involvement in any awkward money matters.⦠But, sir, I wouldn't consider asking for a commission from your government.⦠On the other hand, there was that little arrangement we discussed earlier.⦠Yes, once the casino is in full operation, we would each take a percentageâten, I think, was the figure you mentionedâoff the take from the tables and the slots.⦠No, I don't think of it as a skim, Mr. Prime Minister. I think it would just give us both a sense of having a partnership in your government's beautiful new casino.⦠Well, I do thank you, Mr. Prime Minister. It's a pleasure to do business with a man of your caliber, and I hope you have a wonderful day in your island paradise.
Hangs up the phone. With his hand still on the receiver, he frowns thoughtfully. Clearly, his next call will be of a somewhat trickier nature. His lips move as he formulates his thoughts, then he picks up the receiver and dials another credit card call
.
Mrs. Van Degan? This is Moses L. Minskoff, the investment banker, calling from New York. You may remember me. I handled a number of real estate transactions for your late husband, which were, if I may venture to say so, very profitable to him.⦠Ah, you
do
remember me! How are you enjoying retirement in Arizona? ⦠Good.
Well, the reason I am calling you is that I have a very unusual offer to make to you, an offer I am making only to a few close friends and relatives. I'm letting my mother go in on this, by the way. You see, I happen to have in my possession some promissory notesâIOU's, if you willâfrom the late Mr. Silas Tarkington. You may have read that Mr. Tarkington passed on recently.⦠Yes, I remember you were always a Tarkington's shopper, Mrs. Van Degan. Now, these markers of hisâthese promissory notes, I should sayâare in fairly large denominations, representing funds I advanced to Mr. Tarkington over the years. I am looking at one, for example, for five hundred thousand dollars. These promissory notes are, in effect, undated checks. Now, obviously I wouldn't ask you to pay five hundred thousand dollars for a promissory note in that figure. On the other hand, I could offer you a fifty percent discount, the same discount I'm offering my mother, and let you have it for two hundred and fifty thousand.⦠What's in it for you? Ah, there's the beauty part, my dear Mrs. Van Degan.
You may have read in the financial press that Continental Stores has been for several months trying to take over Tarkington's. Si Tarkington was fighting the takeover. But now that the old baânow that Mr. Tarkington has passed on, Continental is really going to pull out their big guns and up their offer to Tarkington's stockholders. In any takeover, these promissory notes become most valuable. Continental is going to have to buy them back, since they represent money Tarkington's owes. They will come to you with an offer, and I think I can promise you a thirty to thirty-five percent return on your investment within just a few months, Mrs. Van Degan.â¦
Is it legal? Would I offer a woman of your caliber and social position anything that wasn't legal? Certainly it's legal. Here on Wall Street we call it factoring, the discounting of accounts receivable. You pay the discounted price, and I simply endorse the notes and turn them over to you.⦠Why don't I hold on to them myself? Well, here on Wall Street this is known as streamlining. My interest in Tarkington's is comparatively small in relation to the rest of my business, and managing these small matters just takes up too much of my time. Besides, I am in the business of serving my customers, and I thought of this as a way to repay your late husband for all the business he brought my way. He was a wonderful man, Truxton Van Degan, a truly wonderful man.⦠Yes, he did drink a bit, but never to excess, Mrs. Van Degan, never to excess, and I know he wanted you to be in comfortable circumstances after his untimely demise.â¦
Yes, you think about it, Mrs. Van Degan, but don't think about it too long. Remember, I can promise you a yield of between thirty and forty percent within a few short months, and these units of mine are being snapped up right and left. I only have a few more left, Mrs. Van Degan, so think about how many units you'll be wanting to buy. I'd recommend you get back to me no later than the end of the week. Let me give you my private, unpublished number.â¦
In the outer office, SMYRNA has been juggling some incoming calls on other lines, putting them on Hold. Seeing that her boss is briefly off the phone, she turns in her swivel chair and faces his door
.
SMYRNA
(yelling):
I got the President of Mexico on line one, Moe. And the credit manager of Bergdorf's is on line two. It's something about Honeychile's charge account.
MINSKOFF:
Tell the President of Mexico to go to hell. I can't do business with that spick. Tell him his Banco de Mexico isn't the only bank in the damn third world. I'll take the call from Bergdorf's.
He presses one of the blinking buttons on his phone and picks up the receiver
.
Moses Minskoff speaking,
(a pause.)
What do you
mean
Mrs. Minskoff has exhausted the credit limit on her Visa card? That's quite impossible. Let me speak to your immediate superior, young woman.⦠You mean you
are
the credit manager? Then let me speak to the president of the store.⦠He's in Europe? Young woman, do you realize who the person is to whom you are speaking? I am Moses Minskoff the developer, and even as we speak I have the President of Mexico waiting on hold to speak to me.⦠What? ⦠Then your computer must be malfunctioning, unlessâunlessâ
(He strikes his forehead with the heel of his palm
.) Wait! Wait, please forgive me, but I had that Visa account closed last week. I just remembered, and I'm afraid I forgot to give Mrs. Minskoff the new account number. Surely that's the cause of this misunderstanding. Let me give you the new number.
(He paws through slips of paper scattered across his desktop.)
Here it is.
(He recites a thirteen-digit number.)
There. Does that satisfy your computer? ⦠Of course it does. Now you let Mrs. Minskoff charge whatever she wants. She's a very good customer. I'm sorry about the mixup, but you were quite right to check. I'm going to commend you to the store's president when he gets back from Europe.⦠Thank you, and have a nice day.
Once more, he appears to be deep in thought before placing his next call. Then he yells to the outer office
.
Smyrna! Get me the president of Continental Stores in Chicago. Name's Albert Martindale. Use the two-four-one credit card. See if you can get him on the line before you put me on the line; you know the routine. But if you can't, I'll go through his secretary.
We see SMYRNA placing the call and then, inaudibly, arguing with Martindale's secretary. Finally, she yells into the inner office
.
SMYRNA:
Won't work, Moe! She says put you on the line first, then she'll put Martindale on.
MINSKOFF
(sighs):
Okay.
(He picks up the phone.)
Moses Minskoff here.⦠Yes, thank you.⦠Ah, Mr. Martindale! How are
you? â¦
Well, you may recall that you and I have been in correspondence about some shares of Tarkington stock which I own, and which you have made an offer to purchase in connection with yourâahâproposed acquisitionâI dislike the term “hostile takeover”âof the Fifth Avenue store. As you may know, Mr. Martindale, I am something of an expert in the field of mergers and acquisitions, and, yes, I am considering selling my own small number of Tarkington shares to your investment group.â¦
Yes, but first let me tell you that, since the founder's sudden death, the situation has changed somewhat.⦠Yes, the situation has changed considerably, Mr. Martindale. But permit me, if you will, to move back in time a bit. To begin with, Silas Tarkington was my oldest and dearest friend. He helped me start in my business, and I helped him start in his. I was perhaps his closest confidant. Over the years, in addition to being permitted to purchase small amounts of stock in his company, I was able to advance him certain amounts of cash from time to time. These loans, in the form of informal IOU's, are still outstanding in my accounts receivable files.
Now, not long before his sudden deathâjust a couple weeks ago, in actual factâMr. Tarkington hinted to me that he felt his life might be in danger. He mentioned nothing that was actually specific, but as you and I know, any rich and successful man such as Si Tarkingtonâor even you yourself, or even I myselfâis bound to acquire his share of enemies. In fact, when he mentioned his imminent death to me, I wasn't even sure whether or not he was contemplating suicide.
The real point is that, when I learned that he feared he didn't have long to live, I decided that it would be prudent if I were to call in these IOU's. Collecting debts from the estate of a deceased person can be damnably complicated, as I'm sure you know, so I approached him on that specific subject.
I said, “See here, old sport, I think it's time you settled my account and not leave your poor widow and children arguing with my lawyers.”
What he told me then, frankly, shocked me. He told me that the store was experiencing severe cash-flow problems. He told me that Tarkington's had accounts receivable in the amount of many millions of dollars. He hinted that someone within his organization may have been embezzling from him, may have been cooking the books, may have had his hand in the till, and that he was on the verge of discovering who that person was.
In short, he was unable to repay the various debts he owed me.
Are you still with me, Mr. Martindale? ⦠Why am I telling you all this? Because, Mr. Martindale, if you will let me broker this acquisition for your company, I would be willing to forgive those IOU's, or at least offer them to you at a seriously discounted rate, thus facilitating your purchase greatly.
Greatly, Mr. Martindale. Greatly. I think you can hear what I am saying. Sound good to you?
And that's not all I can offer you, Mr. Martindale. If the small matter of Si Tarkington's indebtedness to me were all I was telephoning you about, I would not be wasting yours and my valuable time, now, would I? As you know, Si Tarkington ran his business in a way that was unusual, not to say unique. Yes, unique is the right word. After all, Tarkington's is unique among American fashion retailers. Si Tarkington always kept the store's figures very close to his vest. It was never clear, for instance, what the store's markup was. As often as not, Si's markup was a matter of whim. His suppliers, those who created his “Ours Alone” line, were equally secretive about their prices. And it was never clear where, and how, he disposed of his unsold inventory, though it was obviously sold somewhere. Back in 'eighty-nine, when the F.T.C. boys came to review the store's operations, I remember Si chucklingâheh, heh, hehâabout how the F.T.C. boys spent three weeks shuffling through piles of paper and went away scratching their heads.