Carried Forward By Hope (63 page)

Rose stared down at the cookies but shook her head. “Thank you, but I’m not hungry,” she murmured, wiping the tears from her eyes as she pulled her son closer, relishing the comfort his warm body gave her. She stared at him, wondering if freedom was going to give him a better life, or if it was merely going to change the way white people made his life miserable.

“Ain’t no good to be thinkin’ like that, Miss Rose,” Annie said quietly.

Rose had learned to appreciate the wisdom Moses’s mama had. “How do you know what I’m thinking?”

“I was listenin’ to Moses and Simon talkin’,” she admitted, her eyes sad.

“Then you know how we feel,” Moses growled, his eyes burning with tears as he thought of Otis’s full, laughing face. Otis had served under his command for two years. He’d been so proud to run away from his plantation in South Carolina to join the army, and he’d been full of such grand plans for how he was going to live his life as a free man. He bit back a groan as he envisioned Otis standing up against the plantation owner. He felt his heart skip a beat as he imagined Otis being shot in cold blood simply for going to church.

“I know what you be feelin’,” Annie agreed. “I also know it ain’t gonna help you none.”

Moses frowned. “How could we possibly feel anything else?” Then he stopped short, realizing his mama had felt what he was feeling for far more years than him. The image of his daddy’s broken body hanging from a noose in the clearing roared into his mind. “I’m sorry, Mama…” he whispered. “I know you know how we feel.”

Annie nodded. “I done did a heap of talkin’ with Miss Abby when she be here. She told me all about how them people up north fought for us to be free.” She paused. “They had to fight for a long time. Did you know folks started trying to stop slavery way back even before I was born? They been fighting it since before the Revolutionary War. It done took a real long time for them to get slavery done way with.” She took a deep breath. “Lots of our people died while folks was trying to get things to change.”

Rose listened carefully. “What are you saying, Annie?”

“What you think I be saying, Rose?”

Moses snorted. “I told you she was just like your mama, Rose.”

Rose smiled, remembering all the times Sarah had answered her questions with questions of her own. She recognized the value of thinking through things, so she let Annie’s words flow through her mind. She thought of all the people who had fought slavery while it seemed to do nothing but grow more pervasive and violent. She thought of laws passed while even more slaves were smuggled into the South to begin lives in bondage. She thought of all the slaves killed and beaten while owners carried the belief that it was their right and privilege to do whatever they wanted with their property.

“Nothing is over yet,” Rose said slowly. “The amendment abolishing slavery is a big step toward freedom, but it’s going to take a very long time before our people are truly free.” She stared out into the distance. “Many more of our people are going to die because the battle is far from over.”

Annie nodded. “That be the truth of it,” she said calmly.

“So we just sit back and watch people die, saying it’s just the way things are?” Simon cried angrily, clenching his fist.

“I sho ‘nuff hope you
don’t
do that,” Annie said, “but feeling hatred ain’t gonna hurt nobody but you.” She reached over and put a hand on Simon’s fist. “I learned a long time ago that the only way to keep from going completely mad was to forgive people.”

“Forgive—”

Annie held a finger to her lip to stop Simon’s outburst. “I remember a time when I thought forgivin’ them people that killed my Sam was pure craziness. I couldn’t imagine forgivin’ the beatin’ that crippled my bright little girl.”

“How did you do it?” Rose whispered.

Annie smiled. “I learned forgiveness ain’t ‘bout makin’ an excuse for the wrong somebody do. It be about stoppin’ what they done from destroyin’ my heart.”

A deep silence fell on the porch while everyone pondered her words.

Janie was the first to break the silence. “How long did it take you?”

Annie sighed. “It took me a good long time, Miss Janie. There be some days I thought I done let it go, and then somethin’ or somebody would bring it right back up. It would burn right into my heart just like at the beginnin’. But every day done got a little better,” she said. “I had to make a decision ever’ single day not to let them destroy my heart.” She stroked Simon’s hand tenderly. “Once you let them destroy your heart, you ain’t got nothin’ left to live for,” she said firmly.

Annie stood and walked to the edge of the porch, and then turned back around to face them. “We all be free on paper, but it gonna be a good long time before we be free in people’s eyes — especially down here in the South. Lots of our people gonna suffer. Lots of them are gonna die,” she said heavily. “It just be the way of things. We keep fightin’ it,” she added firmly, “but if we do it with hate in our hearts, we ain’t any diff’rent from the ones who be doin’ the killin’.”

Moses stared at her and slowly nodded. “You’re right. When I heard about Otis, and when we talked about it tonight, I felt hatred for white people.” He looked at Janie apologetically. “I know that’s wrong because I know so many white people who are wonderful, loving, caring people.”

“Hatred ain’t a color issue,” Annie said. “It be felt on both sides. I figure hatin’ be the easy choice to make.”

“How do we fight it?” Rose asked. She smiled at Annie. “I’m asking all of us. I think you’re right that it’s going to take a long time, and that there are going to be a lot of deaths. So the question becomes, how do we fight it and not hate?” She gazed down at John nestled against her breast. “How do we make America better for John and little Simon?” She thought about all the children in her school. She envisioned the faces of all the adults who were so determined to learn. She thought about their perseverance in the face of fatigue and hardship.

Rose suddenly remembered something Sarah used to tell her. “Mama used to say that she was already free, because somebody might own her body, but no one could own her soul and her mind.”

Annie nodded. “Your mama was right.”

Moses stood and stared out over the fields, drinking in the sight of the plantation he had come to love. “How long?” he asked. “How long will we have to fight?”

“I figure we’s gonna have to fight all our lives,” Annie said bluntly. “I think it be a mite easier for John, but he gonna have to fight, too. I reckon his chillun and all his chillun’s chillun gonna be fightin’ too.”

Moses whirled around and stared at her. “You don’t think it will
ever
end?” he asked with disbelief.

Annie looked at him sadly. “Once you start somethin’ evil, it be ‘bout impossible to stop it, Moses. The very first slave that done be brung here set somethin’ evil in motion. People had to stop seeing us as human in order to keep us as slaves. Theys had to believe we’s were less than them so they’s could feel good ‘bout takin’ care of us,” she said. “There be generations of people who done believe that. They’s gonna teach their chillun, and then they gonna teach their chillun.”

“So there’s no end?” Moses demanded, slamming his fist against the porch column. “I refuse to believe that!”

“Oh, it gonna get better,” Annie said calmly. “Now that the slaves be free, they’s gonna show what they’s can do, and who theys can be. They’s gonna make white people have to question what theys really believe. Some of them gonna change their minds in time.”

Moses took a deep breath. “So we have to show white people what we’re really capable of,” he said slowly.

Rose stood up and moved beside Moses, slipping her hand in his. “We’ve been proving ourselves all our lives. We’ll keep right on doing it. And we’re going to help others prove themselves,” she said firmly. “You are showing plantation owners what can happen if they treat their workers fairly.”

“And you and Miss June teaching all them folks how to learn,” Annie said proudly. “They’s gonna hold their heads up high, and then they ain’t gonna be afraid no more.”

Rose turned and looked at Annie closely. “That’s really the key isn’t it?” she murmured. “As long as black people are afraid, we’re easy to control. When we stop being afraid because we know we’re more than what white people believe we are, then they will lose their power over us.”

Annie nodded. “I reckon that be true, sho ‘nuff.”

Janie stood and moved over beside Moses and Rose. “I believe that is true for everyone,” she said quietly. “I know it was easy for Clifford to control me because I had started to believe I was who he told me I was. When I realized that wasn’t true, I was able to take action to control my own life. He lost his power over me.”

“Ain’t nothin’ more powerful than fear,” Annie agreed. “I reckon every person alive gots to fight it every day of their life. I learned a long time ago that I’s couldn’t control what was goin’ on in my world, but it for sure weren’t going to control
me
.”

Moses stepped over and pulled his mama up from the chair, wrapping her closely in his massive arms. “I love you, Mama,” he said gruffly. “The best thing about the war ending was getting you back.”

Annie smiled and patted his shoulder. “I reckon that be true, sho ‘nuff,” she said. “I knows you be growin’ up ‘cause now you be smart enough to listen to your mama!” She chuckled and stepped back. “Now, are you young’uns gonna eat these cookies or not?”

A holler from down the road made everyone lean forward.

Moses looked at Janie and nodded toward the door, but she shook her head firmly. “I’m done with being afraid of Clifford. There’s not a thing he can do to me with all of you here.”

Annie stepped up and laid a hand on her arm. “Bein’ careful ain’t the same as bein’ afraid, Miss Janie. From what I hear, your husband be an angry man.” She glanced around the porch. “There be a bunch of people here he would like to hurt. He be more likely to do it if you not doin’ what he wants.”

Janie gasped. “Of course, Annie. I never thought about it like that. I wouldn’t put all of you at risk for anything in the world.” She quickly moved into the house and peered out from the window, watching as the horses got closer. Her heart pounded against her ribs as she wondered if Clifford had finally come looking for her. She suddenly realized she was almost looking forward to it. She was tired of being afraid. As she waited, she was aware it was time to file for a divorce and deal with whatever ramifications came. It was time to quit hiding.

******

Everyone on the porch waited for the wagon to get close enough to identify the occupants.

Suddenly a wide smile broke out on Rose’s face. She shifted John into Moses’s arms and ran down the stairs. “Carrie!” she cried. “You’re home!”

Carrie was laughing when she leaped from the wagon to embrace Rose. “I missed you so much!”

“Oh, I missed you too.” Rose smiled up at Robert. “Welcome back,” she said. “Thank you for bringing my best friend home.”

There was a wild flurry of welcome, and then everyone sprang into action to carry things in from the wagon.

Carrie smiled with contentment when she finally settled down in one of the rocking chairs with a cool drink in her hand. She gazed around at all her friends. “I love going away, but I think coming home is always the best.”

Carrie smiled when she walked out on the porch to find frost glistening on the pastures, each blade of grass sparkling like a diamond under the early morning sun. The almost bare limbs of the trees created gray sculptures that seemed to be posing, showing off their splendor now that the leaves had drifted to the ground to lay at the base of their trunks. Granite lifted his head and snorted at her before he lowered it again to continue grazing. Carrie sighed with contentment.

Moses stepped out beside her, a hot cup of coffee nestled in his huge hands. “Indian summer has officially ended,” he commented as he took a sip.

“But not before you got the tobacco harvested,” Carrie said gladly. “I do believe I’m ready for some cold weather. I can hardly believe it’s November. Life always seems to slow down when summer is over. I’m ready for a change of pace.”

Moses chuckled. “Don’t tell the men that. I’ve given them a list of work to be done that will keep them busy the entire winter. There is so much to do to be ready for next year. Now that we’re not spending every minute in the fields, we can finally get to all the needed repairs.”

Carrie nodded. “I know the women are busy canning and putting food away. The long fall produced a huge bounty within the gardens, as well. I was down at the cabins yesterday. Everyone seems to be happy.”