Cast Me Gently (25 page)

CHAPTER 25

Ellie glanced up to
check which bus was approaching. It was hers. She stood, keeping her head bowed as she climbed the steps, handing her card to be punched.

“Hey, Ellie,” said Larry. “How ya—” He stopped abruptly and shifted in his seat. “Look at me.”

Reluctantly, Ellie lifted her face. Larry’s nostrils flared.

“Who did that to you?”

She raised her hand to her bruised cheek. “I fell.”

“Like hell you did. You tell me who did that, and I’ll—”

“No!” She shook her head. “There’s nothing you can do. I’ll be fine.”

He stared at her, his jaw working, but he said, “All right. You sit here behind me.” He glared at the man sitting there, who immediately got up to move to another seat.

She could feel Larry watching her in his mirror, but she kept her eyes lowered. She was so angry, she was on the verge of tears, and she didn’t want to cry on the bus, not in front of Larry. She’d fled from the bank before closing, before counting her drawer—
I don’t even know if I’ll have a job tomorrow.

Had it all started only a half-hour ago, when she’d heard her name called from the second floor? She’d looked up to see Aaron Myers standing at the balcony.

“Could you bring me that file?”

He pointed to the counter where he’d set a file down while talking to Bill White a few minutes earlier. For weeks, she’d been avoiding going into the staff room by herself, knowing that he was watching for opportunities to corner her. He’d been getting more obvious in his attempts to get her alone. Grinding her teeth, she glanced over at Suzanne, who gave a tiny shrug. She came around the tellers’ counter, picked up the folder, and carried it upstairs where she found Myers in his office.

“Here you—”

“Come on in,” he said.

She hesitated, but he’d gone behind his desk. She entered the office and set the file on his desk. So quickly, she wasn’t sure later how he’d done it, he had gotten around the desk and pushed the door shut, trapping her.

“It’s about time we stopped this tease,” he said. His gaze ran up and down her body, leaving her feeling dirty, as if he had touched her.

She took a step backwards.

“I think this has gone on long enough,” he said, approaching her. “You’ve played very hard to get.”

“I’m not playing anything,” Ellie said. “I want you to open that door, please.”

He laughed. For one fleeting moment, she considered running behind his desk, using it as a barrier between them, but it seemed so childish.

She pulled herself up to her full height and said, “I’m leaving.” She began walking past him, but he grabbed her arm.

“Like hell you are.” He grasped her other arm as well, pinning her and pulling her to him. He mashed his lips against hers as she squirmed, trying to get free. Desperately, she bit his lip. He jerked away from her and raised a hand to his bleeding mouth.

“You bitch!” He backhanded her across the face so hard that she was afraid he might have broken her cheekbone.

Ellie fought to clear her head and keep her wits as he yanked her to him again. She raised a knee and caught him in the groin. He grabbed his crotch and doubled over, gasping for breath. She ran for the door, wrenched it open, and rushed down the stairs to the lobby where Suzanne and Linda were talking to Bill White. She stood, breathing hard, her face throbbing where he’d hit her. Bill glanced up toward the balcony and cleared his throat.

“Well, I, uh…” He shuffled toward his office and closed the door.

Ellie stared at the closed door for a moment, and then ran to the staff room where she grabbed her backpack from her locker and rushed out the back door.

She raised her hand to her swollen cheek now, wincing. She felt Larry watching her in the bus mirror and, for a moment, she considered telling him who had hit her.
Why should that bastard keep getting away with this?
It was clear Bill White wasn’t going to do anything about it. She had no idea what kind of recourse she might have for filing a complaint, but if the higher-ups’ attitude was the same as White’s, she couldn’t count on any support from them.

But what if I don’t have to go back?

“I’m going to get off here, Larry,” she said, standing up.

“You sure you’re okay?” He reached for her hand.

She nodded, giving his hand a squeeze. “I’m fine.”

She descended the bus steps and began walking. She hadn’t told anyone at the bank about Louise’s offer. She felt she’d learned enough in these past few weeks that she could step in as manager. She’d been basically doing it all since Louise’s surgery last week, going in every night after the bank to take care of the orders and paperwork. What if she just didn’t go back? She didn’t need the damned bank.

But every time she’d considered accepting Louise’s offer and quitting the bank, there had been a moment of near-panic at the thought of being trapped in Pittsburgh forever. Ever since she was a little girl, she’d dreamed of leaving, of seeing other places, and now, it seemed life was conspiring to keep her here for the rest of her life.

“I can’t leave Pittsburgh. I can’t leave my family.”

She and Teresa had never talked about moving away, and Teresa had never said those words, but Ellie could picture her saying it if she brought up the possibility of leaving.

Ellie looked around and realized she was only a block from her old house. She turned in that direction, slowing as she neared it. There, in the front yard was the elm tree she’d gotten stuck in when she was eight and Daniel’s friend dared her to climb it. She could still feel the thrill of hearing Daniel say to his friend, “Don’t ever dare Ellie to do anything, ’cause she’ll do it.” But she’d climbed so high, she became paralyzed at the thought of climbing back down again. Mortified at the thought of admitting she was afraid, she only replied, “I like it up here. I might stay up here forever,” when they urged her to come down. She could see Daniel looking up at her, and he said to his friend, “She does crazy stuff like that, too. C’mon.” They went away, leaving her up in the tree, but as soon as his friend had left, Daniel was back. “Hey, Jellybean. Don’t cry. I’m coming. Don’t be afraid.” He climbed up to where she was and talked her back down, branch by branch. “No one else has to know,” he said when they were safely back on the ground. “Just us.”

Ellie stood looking up into the tree’s branches now. “Just us.”

Teresa climbed quietly out of bed and went to get showered. When she came back into the bedroom to get dressed, Ellie hadn’t moved. In the half-light coming through the blinds, the ugly bruise on Ellie’s cheek showed darkly, and her insides burned.

She leaned over and kissed Ellie lightly on the forehead.

Ellie stirred. “What time is it?”

“It’s early,” Teresa whispered. “It’s Saturday. Stay in bed. I have to do a couple of things before I go to the store. I’ll see you later.”

“I love you,” Ellie said sleepily, her eyes already closed.

Teresa smiled. “I love you, too.”

Outside, it was a beautiful late May morning. Teresa got in the VW and headed, not to Oakland, but to Bloomfield. She had decided to come by early before either her mother or—God forbid—Gianni would be at the store.

“Good morning, Mrs. Schiavo.”

Mrs. Schiavo’s face lit up. “Teresita, it’s so good to see you.” She gave Teresa a tight hug. “Come sit down. Tell me how you are.”

“Do you need help with the bread?”

“I already done it,” Mrs. Schiavo said with a wave of her hand. “I want to know how you are. Sylvia, she won’t tell me nothing.”

She brought two cups of coffee and a doughnut to the table.

“I’m good,” Teresa said. “I’m working down at our Oakland store now.” She tilted her head in the direction of the drugstore. “How are things here?”

Mrs. Schiavo peered up at her. “I think not so good. She won’t say so, but I think your mama misses having you around. Gianni, he’s not a good worker, is he?”

Teresa laughed. “You always see everything, don’t you? No, he is not a good worker. And now, maybe Ma and Pop see it, too.” She took a bite of her doughnut and closed her eyes. “I’ve missed you. I kind of miss being here. Any news?”

Mrs. Schiavo filled her in on a few of the neighborhood births and hospitalizations and some gossip. “People ask about you, you know.”

“Me?” Teresa said. “Who would ask about me?”

“Everyone!” Mrs. Schiavo tapped her arm. “Everyone knew you, and they like to see you and have you around.” She looked at Teresa again. “They miss you. When are you coming back?”

Teresa blinked rapidly. She took a sip of her coffee. “I don’t know. I’m really busy in Oakland. I might not be back.”

Mrs. Schiavo studied her for a moment. “You and your mama, you’re not talking, eh?”

Teresa shook her head. Surely, her mother was too proud to admit to anyone that her daughter was a lesbian, so she had no idea what Mrs. Schiavo might be thinking.

“You want to live your own life, eh? Not the life your mama she want for you.”

Again, she sees straight through the bullshit.
“That pretty much sums it up, Mrs. Schiavo.”

“Well, that’s a hard thing for your mama. I am sorry if you don’t come back.”

“I had to come by and see you, though.” Teresa finished her coffee. “I need a dozen doughnuts.”

A few minutes later, she sat in front of the aunts’ house. It was still early, not yet seven, but she knew Anita, at least, would be up. It seemed a lifetime ago that she’d left here, knowing she might not be welcomed back. She could never have imagined going weeks without seeing her aunts. She reached over for the box of doughnuts and got out of the car.

Before she even climbed the last porch step, the front door opened, and Anita was standing there in her housedress. Teresa froze, waiting for a reaction.

“Come here,” Anita said, hurrying to give her a hug, squeezing so hard, Teresa could barely breathe. “Oh, I missed you.” Anita rocked her and patted her back.

“I’ve missed you, too.”

Anita released her at last. “Come in.”

Teresa hung back. “Who else is up?”

Anita glanced toward the house. “Let’s sit out here.” She guided Teresa toward the wicker chairs on the porch, freshly scrubbed for the spring. They sat, and Anita took Teresa’s hand.

“I’ve been worried sick about you,” Anita said. Her eyes scoured Teresa’s face. “You’ve lost more weight. You sure you don’t have cancer?”

Teresa smiled. “I don’t have cancer. I’m good. Really.” She looked down at their hands. “I’m sorry about the day I left.”

“Your mother won’t talk about it,” Anita said. “She won’t talk about you at all.”

“I know,” Teresa said quietly. “I don’t want to put you in the middle. I just wanted to see you.”

“You won’t talk about it, either?”

Teresa shook her head.

“Okay. But you’re all right?”

“I’m all right. I’m working down at the Oakland store.”

“Where are you living?”

Teresa hesitated. “I’m living with Ellie.”

Anita nodded. “I’m glad you have a friend, Teresa.”

Sudden tears pricked Teresa’s eyes. “She’s been a good friend.”

Anita looked out to the street, a far-away look in her eyes. “When I was young, there was a young man, a steelworker. He was Greek Orthodox. We met at a dance and dated for three years. We talked about getting married, but one of us would have had to convert. Neither of our families would accept that.” Anita’s fingers tightened around Teresa’s. Teresa had never heard this story. She watched her godmother’s face, seeing her as a beautiful young woman. “For a while, we talked about going away—away from Pittsburgh, away from family. It was the only way we could be together, but… We didn’t do it.” Anita dabbed at her eyes. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. Not a day.”

“I didn’t know that. Have you been unhappy?”

“Not completely unhappy.” Anita looked at her. “I got to watch you grow up. But I can’t help but wonder what my life could have been with a family of my own.”

Teresa’s brow furrowed. “How would you feel if I moved away from here? Not so far I couldn’t visit, but… away.”

Anita squeezed her hand. “I would understand. No one else can tell you how to make that decision. But you have to know, you’ll have regrets no matter what you decide. Don’t let anyone tell you you won’t. You have to decide which regrets you can live with.”

CHAPTER 26

Ellie entered the bank
through the back door into the staff room. Bill White was there, pouring himself a cup of coffee. At the sight of her, he sloshed coffee all over the counter and placed the pot back on the burner, mumbling about something he needed to do in his office, and left as quickly as he could. It had been like that ever since the incident with Aaron Myers. The atmosphere at the bank was rife with tension.

“If they want to get rid of me for walking out, they’ll have to fire me,” Ellie had finally decided. “I’m not running away like I was the one in the wrong.”

Teresa had been furious and had wanted to contact the police. “He attacked you!”

“It’s my word against his,” Ellie said. “Besides, I think I hurt him more than he hurt me.”

Myers had looked startled to see Ellie at her window with Suzanne and Linda the next morning as he limped through the lobby. The bruise on her cheek had turned an ugly purple, and Ellie made no attempt to hide it. At the sight of him, the other two women had sidled closer to Ellie.
Like bison,
Ellie thought and she almost laughed at how he nearly tripped over himself as all three of them glared at him, watching him retreat upstairs. They had barely seen him since.

Linda had confided that Myers had tried cornering her a few times until she had her fiancé come by and stare him down. “He’s a coward,” she whispered. “He’ll try anything he thinks he can get away with, but as soon as he’s confronted, he looks for someone else.”

Ellie looked balefully in the direction of Bill White’s office. “And they let him keep getting away with it,” she added, not bothering to lower her voice.

“Be careful,” hissed Suzanne.

“Or what?”

A new kind of defiance had blossomed inside Ellie—
no, not new; it’s old. As old as Katie’s lies.
This job suddenly felt like another of the things keeping her chained to Pittsburgh, and she found herself fantasizing about what she would be free to do if they did fire her.

At noon, she left for her half-hour break. The park she’d found last fall had become her favorite lunch spot. The old men who played chess now recognized her and waved hello as she approached.

“Hey, Ernie, Sam,” she called as she pulled her sandwich out of her backpack and sat on a bench. It was the same bench where the pie lady had sat down next to her, she realized. She watched a few other homeless people shuffling around, one woman carrying four shopping bags by their handles and another man pushing a shopping cart loaded with his belongings. She finished her sandwich and peeled a banana as she watched the bag lady approach a small group of mothers watching their kids play. She must have been asking for a handout because the other women were turning away or shaking their heads.

Could I have done that? Even when things were at their worst, could I have begged people for handouts?

You didn’t have to beg. Louise saw and took care of you,
a small voice reminded her.

The bag lady shuffled on, coming in Ellie’s direction. The woman sat down on Ellie’s bench, setting her bags down at her feet where she could keep an eye on them.

“Spare a quarter?” the woman asked.

Up close, Ellie could see that the woman was probably in her fifties, but it was hard to tell. Her gray hair was filthy as were her clothes, and a powerful odor of sweat and garlic settled around her as she sat.

“I can do better than that if you can do something for me.” Ellie unzipped the pocket where she kept Daniel’s photo. “Have you seen this man? He’s older now, early thirties. His name is Daniel.”

“May I?” the woman asked, looking at Ellie.

Startled at such a polite response, Ellie handed the photo over. The woman peered intently at the image and shook her head.

“Can’t really tell anything from this picture, but there was a man, called himself Danny. Or was it Davy? He had a beard and a bum leg,” she said.

Ellie stared at her for several seconds. “Where was this? When?”

The woman pursed her lips as she thought. “Wasn’t near here. It was down at the Strip, or maybe the Point. So that would have been winter before this last one. I moved out this way. No idea where he’d be now.”

“Oh, thank you,” Ellie said, reaching into her backpack. She pulled out a five-dollar bill. “Thank you so much.” She tucked Daniel’s photo back into its pocket and stood. “I’ve got to go, but thank you.”

“Thank you,” said the woman, turning the five over and over in her hands.

“Jesus Christ, do you have any idea how long it’s been since we did anything, just the two of us?”

Bernie grinned from the driver’s seat.

“Since before Christmas,” Teresa said.

“I mean, I like Ellie,” Bernie added, “but this is going to be fun.”

Teresa looked out the passenger window at the Monongahela River passing below them as they drove over the bridge.

“Go,” Ellie had insisted when Bernie suggested going to Washington for some outlet shopping. “You two haven’t done anything together in ages. I’ll be fine. I’ll probably be at the diner all day. Believe me, you’ll get the better end of the deal.”

She’d given Teresa a kiss that almost changed Teresa’s mind and pushed her out the door when Bernie honked from the curb.

Teresa settled back in her seat. “So, why are we travelling an hour away when we have all the shopping in the world in Pittsburgh?”

“Because it’s my fucking birthday and it’s not Pittsburgh,” Bernie said. She glanced in her rearview mirror at the city behind them. “We escaped.”

She cranked up the music and talked about her latest issues with a student whose mother’s boyfriend was arrested for beating them. Teresa half-listened, wondering where Ellie was. It felt weird to be separated from her, even though they rarely got to talk during the workday.
I wonder what she’ll be doing at the diner today?
She was startled by a punch in the arm.

“What?”

“You haven’t heard a goddamned word I’ve been saying, have you?”

“Sure I have,” Teresa said. “You were talking about your student.”

“That was five minutes ago,” Bernie said, lighting a fresh cigarette. “Christ, you are pathetic. You can’t even be gone from her for a day.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Teresa said, but she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. “I was thinking about the order I forgot to send in yesterday.”

“Liar.” Bernie exhaled, blowing the smoke out her window. “You are the worst liar in the world. No wonder your mother figured out the truth. Any contact from her?”

Teresa scoffed. “Are you kidding? I did go over to see Anita a couple of weeks ago.”

“Really?” Bernie glanced over. “How was that?”

“It was good.” Teresa shifted in her seat. “Ma hasn’t talked about what happened, but I think Anita guessed. She told me she’d been in love. With a Greek boy, a steelworker, but neither family would let them be together.”

“No way. Did you tell her about you and Ellie?”

“God, no.” Teresa paused. “But I think she knows. She said she has always regretted not marrying him. Can you believe that?”

“Jesus. To live your whole life wishing you’d done it differently. That is fucking sad.”

Teresa turned to the window again. “I know. She hasn’t been completely unhappy, but she told me there would be regrets, no matter what choices you make. ‘You have to pick the regrets you can live with,’ she said.”

“Shit. That’s a cheerful thought. Do you think she was warning you you’d have to make a choice?”

“I already have, haven’t I? I don’t see Ma or Francesca or the kids, but I’ve got you and Robbie and Karen. And Anita, if I can see her away from the others.

Bernie flicked her ashes out the window. “Let’s hope that’s all the choices you’ll have to make.”

Ellie got off the bus on Liberty Avenue, near the Greyhound station. She’d slipped away as soon as Teresa and Bernie left, sneaking out of the apartment building so Sullivan wouldn’t hear her. She hated lying to Teresa, but she had to have some time alone. Ever since her conversation with the bag lady in the park, she’d been obsessed with coming down to the Strip district to look for Daniel. It was the first clue she’d had in seven years as to where he might be, and she had to see for herself. She figured the bus station was a good place to start. The streets and alleys around the station had large numbers of street people hanging out, hoping for handouts from passersby. Ellie had to keep reminding herself that the woman said Daniel had a beard now. She’d been picturing him as she’d last seen him, clean-shaven, with his military buzz cut. The woman also said he had a bum leg. Ellie couldn’t help worrying that he’d been injured somehow, or maybe he’d been wounded in Vietnam and came home with a bad leg.

He won’t be the same,
warned that careful voice in her head.

I don’t care,
Ellie answered.
I have to try and find him.

Don’t you think he’d have found you if he wanted to?

Ellie didn’t like to think about that, about why Daniel hadn’t come to find her. That question had plagued her for years, sometimes making her angry that he had simply abandoned her, and sometimes, she almost hated him for it—and then immediately felt guilty. But she knew, if she ever succeeded in finding him, one of the things she would have to ask him is why—
why did you just leave me there with them? Why didn’t you come find me when you got back? Why have you let me search for you all these years?

She paused at the entrance to a side street with sign after sign for strip clubs and bars. This was not like the alleyways she was used to searching near the diner or in Squirrel Hill. Driven by a recklessness triggered by all of her unanswered questions, she took a deep breath and began stopping people, showing them Daniel’s photo and asking if they’d seen him. Most of the men she encountered already smelled of alcohol, even though it wasn’t yet ten o’clock. Judging by the sounds issuing from the bars when the doors opened, the strip shows took place all day long. A couple of men tried to talk her into going inside with them, but she kept moving. She knew she was taking a greater risk down here, but this was the last place someone had seen Daniel.

She wandered for hours, getting nowhere. No one else said they’d seen him. Glancing at her watch, she saw that it was three o’clock. She would have to hurry to get home before Teresa. She made her way back out to where she could catch a bus. She had to change buses three times, and was approaching the apartment when she stopped abruptly. Teresa was sitting on the front steps of the building.

“Hi,” Ellie said, sauntering up the sidewalk.

Teresa didn’t reply. She simply stared at Ellie.

Ellie forced a grin onto her face. “How was the shopping? We were crazy at the diner—”

“I just called the diner,” Teresa said. “They said they haven’t seen you today.”

“Oh.” Ellie sat beside Teresa, who immediately stood and stalked around the building to the side door. Ellie got up and followed her up the stairs to their apartment. Silently, she sat next to Teresa on the couch as KC jumped up into her lap.

“Where were you?”

The calmness of Teresa’s voice worried Ellie more than if she’d yelled. “I was looking for Daniel.”

Teresa turned to her. “Where?”

Ellie braced herself. “Down along the Strip district.”

“What? Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?”

“That’s why I didn’t tell you,” Ellie said, keeping her eyes
on KC.

Teresa paused for a moment and Ellie could almost hear her trying to control her temper. “Why? Why did you go down there, and why did you lie to me?”

Ellie bit her lip, weighing how honest to be. At last, she sighed. “I ran into a woman, a street lady, a couple of weeks ago, near the bank, who said she might have recognized Daniel’s name. She thought she’d seen him down there winter before this last one.” She raised her gaze to meet Teresa’s stony face. “I had to go. I’m sorry I lied, but you always worry so much, and you wouldn’t have let me go if I’d told you.” Ellie’s eyes filled with tears. “It’s the first clue I’ve had about him in seven years. I had to go.”