Then the second part of me, the softer, forgiving part, saw the agony in Logan's eyes, the torment in his face. He was afraid of losing me. Perhaps he was telling the truth; perhaps he was guilty of only a single indiscretion. Maybe he had been lonely and I had been wrong not to accompany him to Winnerow.
And what had kept me from doing that? my second self asked. Wasn't it my longing for Troy, my infatuation with the past, my effort to make the impossible possible? I did bear some guilt here. It was only just that I be forgiving.
"Heaven," he said again, pressing my hand to his cheek. "Please, believe me. It was a mistake and I'm sorry for it. I didn't want to do anything to hurt you."
"She says the baby is yours," I repeated.
"What should I do? You tell me what to do. I'll do whatever you think is right."
"When it comes to Fanny, you can't be concerned with what is right and what isn't. Fanny will get her way. What she will do is make it known that you and she slept together."
"But everyone in Winnerow knows what she is," he said. "Surely because of that--"
"Because of that they'll believe her," I said. "If every Tom, Dick, and Harry is sleeping with her, why not Logan Stonewall, too? Many of those people are eager and willing to believe bad things about us, either because they are jealous or because they still can't stomach a Casteel being so wealthy and powerful in their hometown."
"Are you saying we should let Fanny blackmail us?"
"It might be your child, might it not, anyway?" I asked. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. "I'll handle Fanny," I said. "She'll be happy once she knows she's going to be taken care of, once she knows she's hurt me deeply."
"Oh, God, Heaven. I'm so sorry. So sorry," he wailed, pressing his hands to his face. A part of me wanted to comfort him, but a stronger, harder part of me wouldn't let me.
"Think of an excuse for your sudden return," I said.
"I don't want Tony to know about this right now." "All right. I'll just tell him I missed you and--" I spun around so fast he swallowed the rest of his words.
"I don't want to hear any of that right now, Logan. I just want to go to sleep and see what I can do in the morning to pick up my self-respect. Do you understand?"
He nodded, looking so weak and insecure and regretful I was almost unable to continue my hard demeanor.
"Good," I said and prepared for bed.
Afterward, he crawled in beside me, taking great care not to touch me. He crumpled up as far away as he could on his side of the bed. When I looked over at him, he did look like a little boy, a little boy who had been naughty and sent to bed without any supper. He would try not to breathe too loud, afraid he might bring on some further chastisement.
I couldn't help wondering how it would have been, had it been the other way around. What would have been his reaction had I confessed to him about my meeting with Troy and our lovemaking? Would he have forgiven me or hated me? Would he have understood? Would he have forced me to sleep far away from him in the bed and not touched me, not given me any hope of redeeming myself?
I cried silently that night for all of us, even for Fanny, who was so filled with jealousy and hate that she was willing to destroy herself just to get back at me. I knew that in years to come she would use this new child like a whip, stinging me whenever she could by reminding me whose child it was. My only hope was that it would look so much like Randall Wilcox that the question as to who was the father would be obviously answered. But in my heart I knew it really wouldn't matter anyway. Once I sent that first check to Fanny, she would have her hold over us.
Oh, well, I thought, rationalizing, at least it would all go to family
Family. How strange and ugly that word had become. Perhaps that was the saddest thing of all.
Tony was still in such a daze the next day that he didn't even think much about Logan's sudden return. Logan said he only half listened to anything he told him. In a way it worked out for the better that he had come home, for he accompanied Tony to the Tatterton offices and stores and was able to take over some of the duties Tony was either not able or willing to assume yet.
Every day for the remainder of the week Logan brought me some gift before dinner. I knew he was trying to win his way back into my heart. He brought me flowers and clothing, candy and jewels. He didn't press hard for my forgiveness. He simply gave me his gifts and waited hopefully for a sign or for a warm word.
Finally, one night when he came to the suite after spending the day with Tony, he found me crying. I let him embrace me and kiss me and stroke my hair. I listened to his pleas and his words of love. I let him make eternal promises and beg me for my forgiveness and love. And then I let him kiss me hard on the lips.
I was afraid myself that we would never make love again, or that when we did, it would be so mechanical and impersonal it would mean nothing. But my hunger to be loved and to put aside all the hardship and misery I had experienced was greater than I had realized, and Logan's need to be forgiven was all- consuming. We made love passionately and before it was over, both of us were crying in each other's arms.
"Oh, Heaven," he said. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, so sorry I gave you any pain. I would run through a hall of fire rather than have done this to you."
"Just kiss me and love me and never let me out of your mind again," I whispered breathlessly.
"Never. I'll make you so much a part of me that when you're sick, I'll be sick; when you're tired, be tired. When you laugh, I'll laugh. We'll be like Siamese twins, connected by a love so strong even Cupid will be amazed. I swear it," he said. He kissed me so many times, he made my body tingle and sing. He was so grateful for my love and forgiveness, he made me feel like a princess again, bestowing the gift of life and happiness upon him.
That night we both slept more soundly than either of us had the entire week. In the morning when we went to breakfast, it was as if the pall of mourning had been lifted from the house. Even Tony seemed more alert and eager to begin the day. He and Logan walked about Winnerow again. An old energy and excitement returned. We all decided to leave that afternoon for Winnerow and visit the site. And while we were there, I was going to pay a visit to my sister Fanny
Logan knew that was what I was setting out to do when I left him and Tony at the site Fanny had a contemporary-styled house that sat high on a hillside, directly across from the mountain where the log cabin was. She had built it with the money she had gotten from Mallory, the elderly man she had married and then divorced. He had been paying her alimony all this time. Her two Great Danes came barking around my car as I drove up. She had to come out to put them into their pen before I would get out of my car. She thought that was very funny.
"They're good watchdogs," she said. "Neva know who's comin' up here, know what I mean, Heaven?"
"Just keep them away from me," I scowled. They looked scraggly and poorly cared for. Fanny never liked animals. She said she kept them only for protection, but even guard dogs needed some love and affection.
"Ain't this a pleasant surprise," she said when I finally got out of my car.
"It's no surprise, Fanny Not to you."
She threw her head back and laughed.
"There shouldn't be no hard feelin's betwixt you and me, Heaven. Sistas got ta stick togetha, don't they?"
"Yes, they do. And sisters don't try to steal husbands, either."
That made her laugh again.
"Ya comin' inside or ain't my home good enuf for ya now?"
Without replying, I walked into her home. She hadn't done much to it since I had been in it last. Her eyes were on me as I looked about.
"Not too fancy, but comfortable," she said. "Maybe now I kin afford ta git some fine, rich things." "What happened to your alimony?"
"Didn'cha hear? Ole Mallory kicked the bucket an' the ingrate left everythin' ta his children. Lot they cared 'bout him, but he was blind ta truth, jus' like most men."
"I see."
"I'm not goin' ta offa ya anythin' ta eat or drink. Ya probably don't think I'm clean enuf now that ya live in a palace an eat offa silva dishes and outta silva bowls."
"I'm not here to pay a social call, Fanny. You know that. You know why I'm here." I sat on the couch and looked at her. No matter how I felt about her, I had to admit that Fanny was an attractive woman. She wore her jet-black hair cut stylishly about her neck and her bright blue eyes were more vibrant and sparkling than ever. Her complexion was as rich and as flawless as I had ever seen it. She saw the way I was looking at her and put her hands on her hips. Her pregnancy didn't show yet, so she still had a perfect hourglass figure.
"They tell me pregnancy makes a woman look healthy," she said. "What d'ya think?"
"You look fine, Fanny. I suppose you're seeing a doctor."
"Ya suppose right. I'm seein' the fanciest, most expensive docta I kin. This baby's gettin' only the best. I already told him where ta send the bills.
"So." She smiled and sat across from me. "I take it ya had yer little talk wit' Logan."
"I'm not here to argue with you, Fanny. What happened, happened. There's no way we can be sure this early that the baby is indeed Logan's, but--"
"Fancy talkin', aren't ya? No way ya kin be sure. Suppose ta mean I sleep around wit' jus' anyone, huh? Well, I don't care how fancy ya kin talk now, ya can't talk yer way out of the truth. I haven't seen Randall for nearly a month a Sundays an' I haven't been wit' any man other than Logan. Doctor's kin tell when a baby's been made, Heaven. An' Logan Stonewall made this one," she said, jabbing her stomach. I winced.
I had come here hoping to be tough and determined, to present her with an offer and leave with some dignity, but as usual, Fanny was beyond being embarrassed or frightened. Her eyes burned back at me with stubborn, arrogant pleasure.
"I don't propose we go through any test to see what is true and what isn't, Fanny. It would only hurt everyone."
"Ya don't propose . . ." She sat back, smiling like a mad wildcat. "Well, what do ya propose, Heaven Leigh?" Her black eyes narrowed until the whites were only glimmers between her heavily lashed lids.
"Naturally, we'll take care of all the medical bills."
"Naturally. And?"
"And provide a sum to support the child and its needs . .
"And its needs includes me," she said. "I ain't a pin cushion ta prick and poke and forget about, ya know. I mean ta be treated like a woman with class, jus' like you," she said, putting her fists on her hips and spreading her legs. "Who do ya think ya are, anyway, comin' in here and offerin' jus' ta take care of the baby's needs? Yer husband comes ta me becuz ya ain't there when he needs love and tenderness and now there's hell ta pay. I gotta live with the child, don't I? gotta be tied down, don't I? I ain't gonna be able ta go around lookin' for a new man."
"Fanny," I said, smiling at her, "are you sure you want to keep this child?"
"Oh, I see what yer gettin' at. Think ya kin come in here and make me a single, one-time offa, huh? Get the baby and pretend it's yers, maybe, huh? An' then I'd have no claims ta anythin' more, right? Smart . . . only I ain't dumb no more, not dumb as I was when the Reverend took my Darcy."
"But you just said yourself how difficult it's going to be for you to have a child, and you're right. It will restrict you."
She smiled, and when Fanny smiled, even a wicked, hateful smile, her white teeth flashed brilliantly in contrast to her Indian coloring.
"I'll take that chance," she said.
"But what kind of a mother will you be for this child?" I asked, taking the most reasonable tone I could, even though it took great effort to control my anger.
Her dark eyes narrowed again.
"Now, don'cha go and start that stuff again, Heaven Leigh. It was an excuse ya had when ya couldn't get my Darcy back from Reverend Wise."
"It's not an excuse, Fanny," I said, still speaking softly. She sat back and studied me. Then she shook her head.
"Ya jus' like Pa, ain'cha? Ready ta buy and sell children, do anythin' that'll make things easier for ya."
"That's not it, not it at all," I said. How could she suggest such a thing? I wasn't looking out for myself, I was worried about what she would do to a child.
"Sure it is. Ya'll pay me a sum for the child and then go and give it away, won'tcha? Won'tcha?" she demanded.
"No. That wasn't my intent."
"Well, I don' care what ya intent was. The answer is no. I'm keepin' the baby and Logan and ya are payin' me ta keep it well. It'll be as good as any of yer kids'll be and it'll go ta the finest schools and wear the finest clothes, ya understand me, Heaven?"
"I see," I said. "So what do you propose?" I asked. The question, demanding something specific from her, took her off guard. She just blinked at me a moment. "How much do you think we should send you a month, Fanny?"
"I don' know. I suppose . . . fifteen hundred. No, two thousand."
"Two thousand dollars a month?"
She studied me to see if I was happy or sad about the amount, but I kept my face expressionless.
"Well, ole Mallory was sendin' me fifteen hundred, but that was me without a child. Better make it twenty-five hundred," she said. "I want it on the first of the month, promptly. Shouldn't be no hardship for ya, Heaven. Not with ya all buildin' this big factory here in Winnerow and all."
I stood up abruptly.
"You'll get your twenty-five hundred a month promptly, Fanny. An account will be set up for you and the child in the Winnerow bank, but I'm warning you now, if you ever, ever try to blackmail us further by threatening to tell the people of Winnerow stories about you and Logan. . . cut off every penny and let you fend for yourself.
"And I don't want you talking to Logan or trying to see him or contacting him in any way. If you have any problems, you'll call me directly,
understand?"
She stared up at me, her dark eyes brilliant, fired by hate and jealousy. Then her expression became a pained one. No one could discard one emotion and replace it with another as quickly as Fanny could.
"I'm so disappointed in ya, Heaven. I woulda thought ya'd feel sorry for me. I was the one taken advantage of, ya know. That's all men kin do is take advantage.
"Ya come ta my house, where I live all alone, jus' wit' two dumb guard dogs, come from ya place where ya got all those servants an' some family and a husban' an' all those fancy things, an' what do you do, treat me like some thief, instead of the sista who suffered wit' ya in the Willies. Ya shoulda come here offerin' ta do a whole lot more fer me."