I bit my lip. What on earth did I do now? The last thing I wanted was to hurt Leo’s feelings but I couldn’t let him think that just because Flynn had gone there was any chance of us
getting together.
‘I didn’t realise,’ I stammered.
‘Flynn did.’ Leo’s voice hardened as he spoke.
There was an awkward pause.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
‘Flynn saw . . . how I felt . . . and he made it clear I had to keep my distance.’
‘He
said
that?’
‘No, not exactly’ Leo sighed. ‘But he still made it obvious. That’s why I kept away from you all summer.’ He hesitated. ‘I think that’s why he hit me
too.’
‘No,’ I said, my head spinning. ‘No, he was just mad at me.’ The memory of the evening Flynn had been in a bad mood after counselling flashed into my head. He had asked
me then if anyone else had ever tried it on. I closed my eyes, remembering how I’d lied and told him I’d never kissed any other boy.
‘Was that why you were so angry when I got rid of those guys at the party?’ I asked. ‘Was that about Flynn too?’
‘That was the most humiliating moment of my life,’ Leo said, his voice barely a whisper. ‘Think about it . . .
me
being rescued by
you
because of
him.
I couldn’t bear what you’d think of me. How pathetic you must think I was.’
‘I don’t think you’re pathetic. I think you’re . . . great. You couldn’t help those guys picking on you.
I’m
the one who screwed up that
night.’
‘No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Flynn had no right to be mad at you.’
‘Yes, I—’
‘No
,’ Leo interrupted. ‘I heard that whole story about you getting drunk at the party months ago and asking James for a stupid kiss. It was nothing . . . nothing that
any sane person would have minded.’
My stomach knotted. Leo was saying Flynn had overreacted . . . that I wasn’t guilty of betraying him. But I had. I’d kissed his best friend and I’d lied about it.
‘Nothing
Flynn did was right,’ Leo went on bitterly ‘I hated the way he swaggered around all the time, doing his tough guy thing, making out he was better than
everyone else. And the way he’d look at you – like he owned you – I hated that.’
I stood up. I couldn’t stay here and listen to Leo saying these horrible things.
‘You didn’t know him,’ I said. ‘You didn’t understand him, nobody did.’
‘Right.’ Leo pressed his lips together into a thin, angry line.
I took a step to the door.
‘So does that mean you don’t want to be friends anymore?’
It sounded so childish, the way he said it, that I almost smiled.
I turned and faced him as I reached the door. I wasn’t prepared to listen to Leo dissing Flynn like he was vermin but I wasn’t ditching my only real friend over it.
‘We’re mates,’ I said. ‘That’s that.’
The next morning, Leo and I took the bus to college together. Dad had offered us a lift but Leo wasn’t bothered and I wanted to keep everything as low-key as possible. I
was dreading being back at Norton Napier and my arrival was as bad as I’d expected. People pointed and whispered as Leo and I walked along the corridor. Later, in class, was just as awful.
Everyone acted really weird around me, even Kirsty It was like I had some terrible disease they were scared of catching. None of them suggested meeting up after school. And when they asked me
questions about what had happened I didn’t feel they cared about me – they just wanted information.
Lunchtime came and I found Leo at a table on his own in the cafeteria.
‘I feel like a leper,’ he said. ‘You know, something untouchable. Everyone’s still staring at my face. How about you?’
‘Leprosy would be a breeze after this,’ I muttered.
I’d decided the fairest thing I could do with Leo was be all jokey and matey. There was no point talking about his feelings for me. And I certainly wasn’t going to talk about Flynn
with him anymore.
I looked around the canteen at the various counters. Flynn had come up behind me so often as I queued at them, grabbing me from behind and pulling me into a kiss, not caring who saw or what they
thought. I felt a sudden stab of misery. How was I going to get through the rest of my life without him?
After a few days, college life settled down. Leo’s bruise finally faded away and people stopped staring at me as I passed but I still felt there was a huge distance between me and everyone
else at Norton Napier.
I looked forward to seeing Grace at the weekend. She and James were planning to drive up for the whole of Saturday and I imagined that hooking up with old friends, even ones as involved with my
past with Flynn as Grace and James, would be just what I needed.
It wasn’t.
Both James and Grace seemed awkward around me, right from the start. I knew that James hadn’t seen or heard from Flynn since the night of the party and I wondered at first if he blamed me
for what had happened. But as our time together went on, I realised that far from being resentful towards me, James was furious with Flynn.
‘He
totally
blew the whole thing out of proportion,’ he said. ‘Running off in the middle of the night and leaving you in that state.’
‘But . . . but he thought we’d betrayed him,’ I said.
James shook his head. ‘You made a tiny mistake, River.
Way
tinier than most of the mistakes Flynn’s ever made but he was only seeing it from his point of view. It was really
selfish.’
I tried to explain that Flynn had resented other stuff too – his life at the commune and his counselling sessions – but James didn’t want to hear it. I gave up completely when
Grace started hinting that maybe I’d soon be ready to make up with Emmi. As far as I was concerned, I never wanted to set eyes on her again.
Grace and James left early after a few hours, and I felt relieved. It wasn’t just that we saw my fight with Flynn differently . . . In the past couple of weeks I’d been in a place
Grace didn’t know existed. She had no understanding of what I’d gone through – and that changed our friendship. I remembered the coach journey to the
Romeo and Juliet
auditions just over a year ago. That seemed, now, to belong to another lifetime. Even then I knew I was different from Grace and Emmi. I’d wished for love. Deep, true love.
And I’d found it.
Grace had no idea.
After she and James had gone, I went up to my room. My thoughts, as always, turned to Flynn. He would have understood the darkness of my life at the moment. Maybe he was in that darkness
himself. I lay down on our bed and curled up. The pain of missing him washed over me in waves.
It was as bad as it had ever been. My mind whirled with memories until I fell asleep, crying into my pillow.
Several long weeks passed. I went to school. I avoided people and got on with my work. The girls who’d been so eager to hear all the details of the party incident when
I’d started back at Norton Napier now thought I was stuck up and unapproachable and cold-shouldered me.
Which was fine.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
Of course, I had to talk, some of the time.
I talked when I was asked questions in lessons. I talked to reassure Dad I was fine. I spoke to Mum on the phone every few days, telling her what I was studying and how I was learning to bake at
the commune. And I answered politely when the commune residents asked me things. I discussed homework with Leo, texted Grace from time to time and charted with Gemma and Ros about recipes.
I even talked to my counsellor, Beth. She was older than Sally, and really nice. I told her a little bit about how I felt. Not the worst of it but some. I think it was supposed to help me, to
get it off my chest. But, talking to Beth, none of it ever felt real. I cried alone but I never cried when I was with her.
Night-times were the worst. Sometimes I would wake in a panic; other times I would wake still believing Flynn and I were together. Either way, as reality dawned, the terrible naked pain of being
without him would swamp me, taking away all hope and all possibility of happiness. I would lie, clutching my little silver heart bracelet, barely able to breathe I missed him so much.
I rarely went out. Leo and I spent our free time talking about college and listening to music. He started reading to me again . . . he just walked in one night with
Jane Eyre
in his
hand, and sat down at the end of the bed. I was pleased. I liked being around Leo. He never mentioned his feelings for me again and, after a month had gone by, I started to hope they had
transformed into the same feelings of friendship that I felt for him.
When I wasn’t pretending to be fine, or hanging out with Leo, I buried myself in my AS work and tried to keep my mind off Flynn as much as I could. Some days I’d forget about him for
minutes at a time. Others he was with me every second, weighing me down, making every step, every word, an unbearable effort. I couldn’t stand the thought that he hated me . . . that our love
had burned away leaving only darkness and dust.
I checked my phone every day for texts, calls, emails and messages. And I scoured the front doormat for post every morning.
Nothing.
I couldn’t believe how easily and completely Flynn had cut me out of his life. And then one Saturday afternoon, the week before Christmas, the doorbell rang.
I opened up, expecting to see carol singers on the doorstep. We got loads of them: kids who only knew one verse of Away in a Manger’ and who obviously thought the commune
‘hippies’ would be a soft touch for loads of cash.
Flynn’s sister, Siobhan, was standing on the doorstep. She looked gorgeous – all long legs and red hair shining in the sunlight. Her eyes widened as she looked at me.
‘Oh, River.’
I stared at her, a million questions flooding my head.
Have you seen him?
Is he all right?
Where is he?
‘Can I come in?’ she asked timidly. She glanced over her shoulder at the 4x4 car parked on the country lane behind her. ‘Gary’s here. He’s got a few errands to run
for his dad’s salon but he’ll only be a couple of hours – can I stay while he does that? It’s okay if not, I—’
‘Of course, come in.’
She nodded, then turned and sped off to tell Gary. I watched him get out of the car as she ran up, then wind his arms round her, bending down to kiss her goodbye.
I saw couples all the time at school. Normally it was hard seeing people together but there was something so tender about the way Siobhan and Gary leaned into each other that was beautiful to
watch.
As Siobhan ran back into the house, I said: ‘You and Gary look happy.’
She blushed. ‘We’re getting married, actually.’ She held out her hand and showed me the glittering ring on her finger.
‘That’s great,’ I said. I was genuinely happy for her, for them. I took a deep breath. ‘Does Flynn know?’
Siobhan tugged off her coat and scarf. ‘Yes.’ She looked at me, her eyes round and anxious. ‘I didn’t have your number but I knew roughly where the commune was so we
drove up here . . .’ She stopped.
It sounded like she’d made a special trip. ‘You mean you came all this way?’
‘It’s no bother. Could we sit down somewhere?’
‘Sure.’ I led Siobhan into the kitchen. I was certain we wouldn’t be disturbed for a while. Leo and Dad and several of the other commune residents were outside, doing pregnancy
checks on the Jacob sheep. I was on baking duty. The loaves I’d put in the oven filled the kitchen with their fresh, wheaty scent.
‘That smells good,’ Siobhan said, sitting down at the table.
‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘I only just started baking properly.’
We sat in silence for a moment, then Siobhan took a deep breath. ‘He’s back in London,’ she said. ‘I thought you should know.’
‘Oh.’ My chest tightened. ‘Has . . . have you seen him?’
‘Not exactly.’ Siobhan made a face. ‘His lawyer called Mum. She’d been going out of her mind because Flynn wouldn’t say where he was living and Mum was all set to
come over here from Ireland to look for him, then next thing the lawyer rang to say he’d been given a caution for an assault.’
‘An assault?’ I gripped the edge of the kitchen table.
Siobhan sighed. ‘He decked some guy in a club last week. It sounds like he was massively provoked but you never know with Flynn.’
‘Did you speak to him?’ I felt sick at the thought of Flynn in another fight . . . of Flynn in a nightclub . . . of Flynn in London . . .
She nodded. ‘Two days ago. I was so angry with him. I mean, he wouldn’t answer Mum’s calls and she was worried sick. In the end I texted him and told him he was breaking her
heart and that if he didn’t take the call I was about to make to him I would never speak to him again in my life.’
I stared at her, amazed that she’d been so forthright.
She smiled. ‘So he answered, all annoyed with me for being so heavy with him. And I had a go . . . about Mum . . . about you . . .’
‘Me?’ I stared at her. Not for the first time I was struck by the way her nose was exactly the same shape as her brother’s. What had Flynn said about me?
‘I told him what your dad told Mum . . .’ Siobhan’s voice was soft and sympathetic. About you locking yourself away and how sad you are.’
‘Oh.’ A fresh wave of misery surged through me. I dug my nails into my palms to stop myself crying but everything inside me was churning over. Flynn knew I was heartbroken. I
couldn’t even begin to imagine how knowing that might make him feel. Would he even care?
‘My brother’s such an eejit.’ Siobhan stretched out her legs.
‘Did . . . did he say anything . . . about me?’ My face burned with humiliation as I asked the question. But I had to know.
‘No,’ Siobhan said. ‘He said something about how he’d trusted James, that was all . . . I don’t know, it didn’t really make sense. He did say that if I ever
got the chance I should let your dad – and Gemma, is it? – let them know he was grateful they took him in.’
Dad and Gemma and James.
He hadn’t even mentioned me. I promised to pass on Flynn’s message, then asked Siobhan for more information.