“Cal?”
Ethan’s soft word snapped him out of it, and he realized they were alone in the locker room. He didn’t even remember walking in here. Calvin finished changing and shut his locker.
“I’m fine. I’ll see you later.” The heartbroken expression Calvin managed to catch a glimpse of as he turned away from Ethan had him adding the man he loved to the long list of people he’d hurt today. He walked off, needing to be alone. It was best he be on his own right now. He’d caused enough pain.
I’LL WAIT
for you.
Ethan hated this part more than anything. This was where Calvin shut down and shut him out. Ethan was terrified one of these days Calvin would get lost for good. The team stayed clear, knowing it was what his partner needed. They’d finished up quick and left the locker room. Calvin had gone through the motions, his head somewhere else. It broke Ethan’s heart to see him like that. Even if it didn’t last long, it was there, dimming the brightness in his partner’s blue eyes. Ethan followed Calvin out, though he kept his distance. His partner didn’t know he was there. Calvin had changed out of his uniform. He’d have the rest of the day off, but first he’d be up to see Dr. Winters. Tomorrow he’d spend the day filling out his report, finding the right words to paint a picture and show why it was necessary for him to do what he did.
I wish you would let me in.
Ethan yearned to reach out and take Calvin’s hand, to pull him into his embrace and not let go, but he didn’t. A thought struck him. He had a few minutes before Calvin went upstairs to meet with Dr. Winters. Ethan hurried to the elevator and went up to the seventeenth floor. He briskly walked through the corridor of offices and suites until he found the frosted-glass door with Dr. Winters’s name on it. He walked into the reception area where a young Human woman smiled at him. Ethan pointed behind her to the office.
“One moment. I’ll check.” The receptionist put in the call, and seconds later the doctor emerged. He smiled widely.
“Agent Hobbs. How good to see you. Please, come in. I have a few minutes before my next session.”
Ethan walked into the doctor’s office and waited while the tall wolf Therian closed the door.
“What can I do for you, Ethan? Have you thought about my proposal to learn ASL?”
Ethan was embarrassed. He shook his head.
I will, though.
The last few months had been so crazy, he’d completely forgotten about Dr. Winters’s suggestion for him to learn American Sign Language. Ethan wasn’t sure it would help. ASL was communication, and no matter what format he was using, whether it was spoken words or sign language, it didn’t stop him from growing too anxious to communicate with someone.
“Well, you think about it and let me know. I have a wonderful program that can help. If it’s what you want. No one’s forcing you.”
Ethan nodded his thanks. He placed his hand out around his chest level before moving his hand over his hair and making spike motions.
“Agent Summers?”
Ethan nodded.
I’m worried about him.
He swiped a hand in front of his face.
The doctor’s expression softened. “Yes, I know. It’s rather difficult to get through to him after an incident.”
No, you don’t understand.
Ethan put his hand to his heart, then motioned between him and the door.
“Oh.” Dr. Winters blinked at him. “You and Agent Summers are involved romantically?”
Ethan nodded. He waved his hand in front of his face again before putting it to his heart.
Every time he shuts down, it breaks my heart.
He pushed with his hands.
“He pushes you away.”
Ethan nodded.
“Your partner carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, even when no one has asked him to, and that’s when he’s not carrying the responsibility of his duties. I’ll see what I can do, but I’m sure you know better than anyone how willful your partner can be.”
Ethan wasn’t surprised. Calvin wasn’t one to share his feelings. He had no problem expressing himself, but when it came down to the core of what was eating away at him, he never let anyone in, not even Ethan. All Ethan could do was hope for the best.
“CALVIN, THANK
you for seeing me.”
“I don’t really have a choice,” Calvin muttered as he entered the doctor’s pristine office and headed for the couch. The room was furnished to resemble a living room more than a psychologist’s office. Apparently it made agents feel more open and at ease. Didn’t matter how you dressed it up, it was still a shrink’s office.
“There’s always a choice, Calvin.”
Here we go. Calvin took a seat on the floral couch. At least it was comfortable. He sat back against the plush throw pillows, his fingers laced and resting on his lap. He waited for the doctor to finish setting up the recording application on his tablet. Once he placed it on the coffee table beside him, he crossed one knee over the other and placed his laced fingers on his lap. Now the usual questions began.
“How are you feeling?”
Calvin shrugged. “I’m fine.”
“How are you feeling about what happened today?”
“I did my job.”
Dr. Winters smiled warmly. “That’s what you did, not how you feel.”
“I had to kill someone. Someone with a family who loved them. How do you think I feel?”
“I can’t answer that for you,” Dr. Winters replied gently.
“I feel shitty.” Like that was big news. What agent wouldn’t?
“You know, Calvin. Whenever we have a session, you sit here in my office, I ask you the same questions, and you give me the same answers. That you’re fine. You were doing your job. That you understand what’s required of you, and that you need some time, but you can handle it because you always have.”
“Right.” At least they were on the same page. “That hasn’t changed.”
“Let’s try something different.” Dr. Winters cocked his head to one side, his sharp amber eyes studying Calvin. He smiled. He was always smiling. “Tell me about Ethan. How is your relationship with him progressing?”
Calvin sat up and narrowed his eyes. He eyed Dr. Winters warily. Not that it did much good. The wolf Therian barely blinked.
“Things are good. Was he here? Did he come here?”
“Does that concern you?”
Why would Ethan come up here? Not that Ethan hadn’t been up here before. Ethan had plenty of sessions with Dr. Winters before today, the most recent in connection to Shultzon taking him, Sloane, and Ash. “What did you say to him? Did he say anything?”
“He’s worried about you.”
“Why? It’s not the first time this has happened. He knows how these things go. How is this different to any other time?” It was a sad fact, but Calvin had done this a number of times.
“You push him away.”
Calvin swallowed hard. He was finding it difficult to meet Dr. Winters’s gaze all of a sudden. “I need time. He understands that.”
“He does, but it still hurts him. When you’re in pain, he’s in pain.”
It was strange, hearing Dr. Winters talking about Ethan during one of their sessions. “I don’t mean to hurt him. I need to deal with this on my own.”
“Why?”
“Because he has enough to deal with. I won’t lay my shit on him too.” On any given day, Ethan was struggling with his mutism, his anxiety, his family, and anything else determined to keep him up at night or fuck with his attempt to remain fully functional. Calvin’s job was to protect Ethan, not bring him more heartache.
“So you’re protecting him?”
“Yes. Like I said, he has enough to deal with. His dad, his older brother, his job, the assholes who get in his face because he doesn’t answer them, or because he has to move when they sit next to him. They get offended. You know what it’s like for him. I won’t put my shit on him too.”
“What about your mother? Do you speak to her about how you feel?”
Calvin frowned. “Of course not.”
Winters nodded. His expression turned thoughtful. “You’re protecting her as well.”
“Of course I am. She’s my mom. After all the shit she went through, she’s finally happy. She worries enough about me being out in the field. What is she going to do with the information I give her? Nothing. She’ll worry about me more. I can handle my job, Doctor.”
“I have no doubt that you can. Otherwise I wouldn’t continue to clear you for duty.” Winters watched him silently before seeming to come to some sort of conclusion. “Tell me about Mr. Ruiz. How do you feel about what you had to do today?”
“I’m pissed.”
“Why?”
“Because he gave me no choice. Because instead of asking for help, he took a bunch of people hostage. He shot someone dead and injured two others. He left me no choice.”
“All right. Let’s try a little exercise. Pretend I’m Fernando Ruiz. What would you like to say to me?”
Calvin shook his head. He hated this type of role-playing strategy. It never worked, and he always felt stupid doing them. “Doc, come on.”
“Take your time. I’ll wait.”
Fuck. All right, fine. Calvin got to his feet. He looked at Dr. Winters and shook his head. This wasn’t going to work.
“Why did you kill me?”
Calvin swallowed hard. He started to pace in front of the couch. “Because it was my job. He—
you
left me no choice. You were going to shoot that man.” He felt like such an idiot doing this. What difference would it make? He didn’t feel anything. That was the whole point. He wasn’t going to go into his moral beliefs, what it meant that he was capable of killing someone, that he could detach. It would lead him to places he didn’t want to end up in. “I did what had to be done. Someone was dead, and someone else’s life was already in danger. If I’d gotten there sooner, there might have been injuries but no dead bodies.”
“Do you care?” Winters asked as Ruiz.
“Do I care? That he’s—
you’re
dead? Of course I fucking care.” Calvin continued to pace. He wasn’t a heartless monster. Just because he could detach didn’t mean he didn’t care. Maybe they were targets to him at first while he had them in his crosshairs, but in the back of his mind, it was always someone’s life. There had been plenty of times when he’d had nightmares about a shooting. Reliving the moment. Sometimes it went exactly as it had during the incident; sometimes the details changed. The worse ones were when the target changed to someone he cared about, like his mom or Ethan, someone on his team. Those nights he’d wake up in a cold sweat, his face wet from the tears he’d cried unknowingly.
The more he thought about Ruiz, the more pissed off he got. Ruiz had no idea Calvin had been there. He was completely unaware of the sniper aiming at his head. Yet what did he think would happen if he killed that second hostage? That they’d let him keep killing people? What did he hope to accomplish? He wasn’t the only one in the city in pain. The only one suffering. Calvin’s mom had been through hell. They’d lost everything. He’d practically grown up in a goddamn car. His mom had gotten fired plenty of times for choosing to be with him when he was sick rather than serving at a roach-infested shithole for fifty-cent tips, if that. She spent more time fighting off the advances of lowlife scumbags than she did waiting tables in those hellholes.
“You think I don’t know fucking hardship? You think my mom didn’t know it? Fucked-up shit happens. We didn’t go out and kill people. We didn’t take it out on the fuckers determined to crush us under their Italian loafers. So you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for making me pull the trigger. We’re the ones left to pick up the pieces because
you
couldn’t ask for help. How could you do that to your family? To your wife, your kid! Do you think they won’t find out about this when they’re old enough? Do you think your wife will be able to hide this from them?
You
chose to walk in there, yet I’m the asshole in this for doing my fucking job, for stopping you from hurting anyone else. I’m the one who has to tell your wife why you’re dead. Do you know what that’s like? Do you know what it feels like to watch someone’s world come undone? No, because you fucking bailed! You bailed on your kid, you son of a bitch!” Calvin wiped the tears from his cheeks. He dropped down on the couch, his throat too choked up to go on. It was hard to breathe, and his eyes hurt.
“You’re angry.”
“Angry?” Calvin let out a harsh laugh. “I’m not angry. I’m fucking furious. Did you even think about what you were doing? When you picked up that gun and got in your car? When you stopped at a traffic light on the way there, did you stop to think about your kid? About what you were about to do to your family? Did you not give a shit? Did you give up? Everything is shit, so fuck the world. I’m going down in a blaze of fucking glory. Well it wasn’t glory, was it? It was one fucking bullet. Mine.”
“Kids.”
Calvin blinked. “Excuse me?”
“You keep saying kid. Mr. Ruiz had two children.”
The sudden change had Calvin confused. “Oh.”
“Calvin, I believe this particular case is different. It’s far more personal. You feel Mr. Ruiz abandoned his children because of the bad choices he made, like your father abandoned you.”
“My dad has nothing to do with this.” Where the hell had that come from?
“He was killed, wasn’t he? By the police. He robbed a gas station and took the clerk hostage.”
Calvin swallowed hard. It took him a moment to digest and believe what Dr. Winters said. He’d spent so long telling everyone, including himself, how his father abandoned him, how his mom chased him off after he tried to take her car, that he’d fallen for his own lies. Ethan was the only one who knew, and he’d promised Calvin a long time ago to keep his secret.
Shame and anger clogged his throat like thick smoke polluting his lungs. The THIRDS had overlooked his father’s criminal record and given him a chance because of Seb and Rafe. His father had been a piece of shit who’d been so disgusted with himself and his life that he took his anger out on his wife and kid whenever he got a chance. Calvin flinched at the memory of a belt hitting him across the face, splitting his lip. He’d been four years old and accidently knocked over his dad’s beer can.