“I got my voice early,” Runt said happily. “I think it was from watching the History Channel with Clio.”
I nodded, but once again I felt like a heel for letting Clio be the one who did all the raising of our shared hellhound pup. It was one of the only times in recent memory where I actually found myself wishing that I didn’t live in my Battery Park City apartment. If I lived somewhere less selfish—like Sea Verge, maybe—then
I
could’ve been the one watching the History Channel with Runt.
“Giselda?” Snarly head said, his one yellow eye popping wide open. “Your voice is beautiful.”
Snarly head was right. Though she was teeny tiny in comparison to her father, there was just something regal and beautiful about the puppy’s voice. In fact, if I had just closed my eyes and listened, I would’ve realized that Runt sounded
exactly
like Cate Blanchett in that movie where she played Elizabeth, the Queen of England.
So much for the History Channel,
I thought.
More like the Movie Channel, if you ask me.
My cute little puppy nodded and Snarly head bent down and licked her on the cheek.
“My precious little girl is all grown-up,” Snarly head said jubilantly. The two other heads seemed equally excited by Runt’s vocal maturation, each taking a turn licking Runt’s face and making her giggle.
“Uck, family reunions make me sick,” Kali said, rolling her eyes.
“But why are you here, daughter?” Snarly head said as his gaze passed from Runt to me and then, finally, to Kali. I could tell by the fiendish look in her eye that Kali was enjoying this—increasingly—awkward situation immensely.
“Allow me to introduce you to your new replacement,” my honey-skinned friend said, her dark eyes brimming with black humor.
“Your daughter.”
Snarly head’s one eye flared in barely concealed rage.
“How dare you—”
“How dare I
what
?” Kali said belligerently, cutting Snarly head off with her quick, offensive retort. “You’re the stank breath who wants out of his contract, so bite me. I get to do whatever I please because your sorry ass made an illegal wager, butt wipe.”
“But I only—” Snarly head started to say, but Kali wouldn’t let him get a word in edgewise.
“I let you out of your contract. I did
not
have you sent to Purgatory, so you better be thanking me instead of arguing with me.”
Snarly head saw the writing on the wall. He knew that no matter what argument he put up, Kali had the upper hand and she was
not
gonna let him off the hook so easily.
“Daughter, don’t you see what they are doing to us?” Snarly head said, changing direction to try to persuade Runt to join his side. “They have subjugated our kind to subservience since the dawn of time. Finally, I am free and can rally our tribe to forsake their chains of bondage. Don’t sell yourself to these people. No matter what they say, they will abjure from what they have promised you. On that, you can count.”
I was surprised by Snarly head’s words. I suppose I had just always
assumed
that Cerberus was the Guardian of the North Gate of Hell because he wanted to be, not because he was under contract to my father or something. Even worse, it sounded like whatever this contract was, it wasn’t even being honored properly. Snarly head and his two brother heads were being forced to do a job that they hated and weren’t being correctly compensated for.
“But Dad, they haven’t promised me anything,” Runt said, cocking her head adorably. “I just want to help Callie.”
Well, that one brought the tears back on.
“I could talk to my dad,” I said, swallowing hard to hold back the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm me.
Snarly head only glowered.
“You think your father has any say over what happens to the minions of Hell?”
“Honestly, I don’t know
what
the dealio with you and my dad is,” I said hastily. “I guess I just thought because my dad was Death and Kali and the Board were involved—”
“You thought incorrectly,” Snarly head interrupted me, his great yellow eye unblinking. “If
only
our lives were in the hands of your father, a leader known for his compassion and respect for the creatures under his dominion.”
“Well, if my dad can’t help you,” I said, not really sure where I was going with all this, “maybe I could talk to someone else who
could
help you.”
Snarly head chuckled, but it wasn’t the kind of Santa “hoho-ho” sound one imagined when one thought of the word “chuckle.” This chuckle was bitter, full of longing and pain—and terribly, terribly sad.
“And who might that be?” Snarly head asked disdainfully.
“Well, uhm, I might know someone who could help you, maybe,” I fumbled. “It’s a long shot, but, you know, sometimes the long shot pays off.”
Kali and Senenmut looked at me like I was crazy, but I tried not to let their lack of confidence make me feel bad. I had never really done anything to make either of them think I was more than a whiny little brat. I was pretty sure they were wondering what kind of connections I could possibly be referring to when I said I knew someone who might be able to help.
Well, I knew one being who could help Cerberus, and even if I wasn’t totally sure how to get in touch with him/her, I figured it was worth a shot if it meant that neither Runt nor I would have to take over Cerberus’s boring job.
“I have a friend upstairs,” I said quietly. “A
special
friend.”
Now everyone was staring at me.
“Not
that
kind of friend,” I said quickly—not wanting them to think I was getting it on with this “special” friend or anything.
I hesitated now, feeling like an utter fool. I mean, what if I tried to contact my friend and he/she didn’t answer me—or even worse, blew me off or something? Just the thought made me cringe inside.
I took a deep breath and gave Runt a quick smile.
“It’s God,” I said finally. “You know, the guy/gal upstairs with the RuPaul voice?”
Snarly head did that horrible chuckling thing again and I gritted my teeth at the sound.
“You think the Creator would listen to you, a mere half mortal with middling magical ability at best?” Snarly head said.
I looked down at my feet, embarrassed. Cerberus was right. I was about as magically adept as a peach pit.
Then I felt Senenmut’s hand on my shoulder.
“Calliope has more magic inside her than all of us here combined,” he said.
I turned to look at my new friend and something inside me—I was pretty certain that it was just plain old gratitude—made me want to cry. I didn’t understand how someone I barely knew could actually have faith in me when everyone else just considered me a screwup.
“He’s right,” Runt chimed in—and my heart soared at the hellhound pup’s words. “There’s something special about Callie, whether she knows it or not.”
I looked over at her, my eyes brimming.
“White girl is a pain in my ass, but she does
not
back down from a fight,” Kali said. “Believe me, I know from experience.”
I giggled at Kali’s words, trying not to cry even though I could feel the tears prickling the backs of my eyes and trying to run out my nose.
“You guys,” I said, wiping my eyes with my hands, as I’d lost my purse on the trip to Ancient Egypt—and the wad of Kleenex that I always kept inside it.
Snarly head watched me curiously.
“You would go and talk to God on our behalf?” he said, the words slipping out of his mouth unbidden.
I nodded, reaching out and patting Runt’s head.
“You and Runt are my friends,” I said. “Of course I’ll help you.”
Snarly head sighed and lowered his head. I stood there, not sure what he meant by the gesture. It was Runt who nudged me forward with her nose.
“He wants you to stroke his head,” she said quietly.
I swallowed hard, remembering my first encounter with Cerberus, the three-headed Guardian of the North Gate of Hell. I had been terrified of the giant hellhound, afraid that he would eat me whole the first chance he got. Now here I was, petting the damn guy’s head.
You just never know where life is gonna take you,
I mused as I held out my hand and tentatively petted the giant dog head. After a few moments of patting, I started to get comfortable, even scratching behind his gnarly-looking ears a little bit.
“Thank you . . . friend,” Snarly head said finally as he lifted his face so that his one eye was directly in line with my own two eyes.
“Anytime,” I replied, liking immensely the new direction our relationship was taking.
“So, you wanna stay now, do you,” Kali said, hands on sari-clad hips.
It wasn’t really a question.
Snarly head turned to his other two heads—who only panted, pink tongues lolling out of their mouths.
“Yes. We will stay,” he said, looking at me, then Runt. “For now.”
“So be it,” Kali said before turning to me. “Okay, I’m outta here, white girl.”
“Wait,” I said as I walked over and slipped my arms around the imposing Goddess. She stiffened for a moment, then slowly relaxed into the hug.
“Thank you,” I whispered in her ear. “I know you didn’t have to do this.”
She nodded, but when we pulled apart, she had a funny little smile on her face.
“Later, white girl.”
And with those three little words, she disappeared into nothingness.
“You have to go home, Callie,” Runt said in the wake of Kali’s departure. “Jarvis and Clio need you.”
“Is something wrong?” I asked nervously.
“That cat,” Runt said, shaking her cute little puppy dog head. “I don’t like how she’s insinuated herself in with Clio. Jarvis seems to understand that she’s bad news, but . . .”
She trailed off.
“I got it. You don’t need to say another word.”
I turned to Snarly head.
“May I keep Senenmut for a couple more hours? I wouldn’t ask, but it’s really, really important.”
Snarly head considered my request for a few moments, then nodded.
“Giselda may stay with me until he returns?” Snarly said. “Not as insurance that you
will
return, but because I have missed my little girl.”
I gave him a crooked smile. It made me happy that he’d missed his kid and wanted to get to know her again.
“Uhm, well,” I said, “it’s really not my call. I think you’re gonna have to ask your daughter what
she
wants.”
“You don’t mind?” Runt said, surprised.
I shook my head.
“You’re your own person, Runt,” I said. “You don’t need me to make your decisions for you.”
It was true—and doubtless the wisest thing I had ever said. I didn’t
need
to feel like a jerk for missing Runt’s first words. I was her friend, not her parent. She didn’t need me to boss her around or act like I owned her. She was a sentient being in her own right, and her decision-making process was probably way more mature than mine anyway.
I squatted down beside her and rubbed her ears, glad that we belonged
with
each other, but not necessarily
to
each other. I knew we had a very special bond, one that would not be easily broken, no matter
what
happened to us in the future.
“I want to stay,” Runt said tentatively as she looked from me over to her dad.
“Then be a good girl for your dad,” I whispered as I pulled the soft, black-furred puppy into my arms and pressed my cheek against her soft muzzle.
“Just don’t forget me,” Runt said softly. “I wanna come back soon.”
“Of course,” I said, scratching her ears. “You’re an honorary Reaper-Jones now—whether you like it or not.”
Giving the hellhound pup one more kiss on the top of her head, I stood up and watched as she trotted over to her father and sat back on her haunches beside him.
“See you later, then, alligator,” I said as Snarly head licked Runt sloppily across the side of the face.
I truly didn’t think I had ever seen anything cuter.
twenty-five
“Hey, Mr. Mom, how about a wormhole outta here?” I asked, very glad to be getting out of Hell in one piece and without a new job looming on the horizon. I shuddered, not wanting to think about how close I had come to losing everything that was important to me in one fell swoop.
“It would be our pleasure to send you home,” Snarly head said, giving Runt a knowing look. “Giselda?”
Runt issued a short bark, then gave her tail a furious wag. Suddenly, I heard a tinkling sound—like a thousand tiny fairy bells ringing in concert—followed by a dry breeze that counteracted the saturating sweatiness that I disliked so much about Hell. The dryness enveloped me, sending pleasant shivers up and down my spine, and I smiled, a sense of well-being permeating my entire body. A shimmering doorway magically appeared before us, splitting apart the air and radiating so much love and happiness that I wanted to sing with joy. My mind was filled with images of butterflies and unicorns and ice cream cones that dripped their sticky sweetness all over your hands when you tried to eat them.